This is my first attempt an a fanfic, so all mistakes are mine
I do not own castle.
She had noticed the small balcony earlier when heading to the Ladies room. Whether it was the years of training as an officer or her own personal tendencies to search out any tactical means of escape, she wasn't sure, but she had filed its location in the back of her mind.
It had been a long day, an exhausting, emotional, beautiful day and she could not help but be overwhelmed by the depth of feeling that this gathering had evoked. It was supposed to be a happy day, the start of a promise between two people to build a life together. And a beautiful beginning it had been. Standing there in the midst of family, that's the only description that seemed fitting, the 12th were her family, no way to get around that, she had been overwhelmed by the joy that she saw on her friend's face as he exchanged vows. The ceremony had been simple, traditionally Catholic but laced with humour from both Irish clan's.
Now after the speeches had been made and the necessary people had been thanked, the wedding party was kicking into full swing and she needed an out. Not from those happy smiling faces, not from her family at the 12th, but from him. She knew he was watching her, always, could feel his gaze boring into her throughout the day. She had chanced a few glances back, and every time he caught her, her heart stopped. Stopped for what felt like an eternity, and then erupted in a pounding that still reverberated in her head. She couldn't look at him, had to tear herself away. It was too much, what she saw there in his eyes, always too much, too much emotion, too much love, too much understanding.
She remembered the balcony and needed the out. She saw her chance when he was entertaining his daughter, his face beaming, and his laughter infectious. Alexis was the most precious thing in the world to him, but she wasn't his Achilles heel, not like her. Alexis's love would never destroy him, not like hers would, so she backed away slowly. She didn't want those thoughts, because she wanted him, she wanted to believe that she deserved him, deserved the happiness that he had brought to her life. He had called her extraordinary, but she couldn't t help but think that it was what he made her feel that was extraordinary. That he made her feel so much, when all she had felt for so long was pain, guilt, how could he push past all that. How could his stare upon her spark joy that rose above her sorrow, and erupt with that silly grin of his. It shouldn't be possible, but she felt it all the same.
The door to the balcony was surprising unlocked, the ledge was small but it was the view that grabbed her attention. It was dusk now, and the last remnants of light were sweeping over the gardens and grounds, it was captivating.
She couldn't breathe, not evenly; the weight that pushed itself down on her soul was so heavy she didn't know how to lift it off. She didn't want this, to feel this way. She was so happy for Ryan; she should be out there basking in the exuberance of the celebration. But she didn't want to pretend, to force the smiles and the small talk. None of them would notice of course, not really, she held her mask well, but he would, he would know. One look at her and she knew he would see right through her façade. Part of her hated him for it, for knowing her so well, sometimes better than herself. She laid her hand on the railings and took in a deep breath, exhaled slowly, trying to push the fear out with a demanding force. Because she was afraid, in spite of how far she come, how much she had grown, the wall remained, the wall that was for his benefit-not hers, she didn't think he understood that. Problem was he had already penetrated that wall, chipped away at it for years, and in those moments lying in the grass, his face the only focus she had left, his voice whispering those words she had secretly fantasised him professing, he made her believe.
She wasn't ready, to give herself to him the way the he deserved, the way that he would give himself completely to her. He practically already had, they were both in too deep.
Her mind drifted back to that day of the bank heist, she shuddered with the memory of the explosion. How everything had stopped, her world had stopped. Her greatest fear had come to fruition, that someone could be ripped from the way her mother had been. She loved him, and in that moment she realised, it didn't matter how much she distanced herself from him, how much she fortified that wall, he had changed her irrevocably. The pain that had a swept over her in those moments had almost crippled her, the thought that he had been snatched away from Alexis and Martha, from her, was unbearable. She didn't want to exist in that world and when she had seen him alive and whole, she couldn't contain her joy, and her world shone bright and shiny.
But it hadn't changed anything, only given her a reprieve. A stalemate that wouldn't hold for long, something was gong to give and soon. She didn't know why she was punishing herself.
Then she heard him, or rather felt him. His breath fell softly against her neck and she stiffened, hers hands gripping the railing more tightly. She wasn't sure she was ready, ready to face him, to look into those eyes that held so much, but his arms snaked over hers, uncurling her grip from the rail and slowly turned her around. She didn't t resist, could not deny him.
Her eyes remained fixed on her shoes or the hem of her dress, anything but his face, but she felt his finger cup her chin and raise her gaze to his own.
She looked up and breathed.