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5 Times Fanfiction Writers Killed Harry Potter

Scenario #1: Harry Visits Gringotts

"And does Mr. Potter have his key?" asked the Goblin, flashing a smile reminiscent of a zipper fly.

"Got it here in 'ne of these pockets," said Hagrid as he dug out an odd assortment of objects and a couple of dormice.

Harry patted Hagrid on the arm, "No, no, Hagrid, I've got this." He turned to the Goblin. "Master..." he said, glancing at the Goblin's nametag, "Grognok, first off, may your vaults flow with gold."

The goblin stared for a moment, taken aback. "Well, Mr. Potter," he said, "since you obviously are not serious about doing business with Gringotts..."

"Ahem," Harry cleared his throat, "I said, may your vaults flow with gold."

"Yes," said the goblin, "I heard you the first time. As I was saying, you can't be serious about doing business with us, and I must ask that you leave and stop wasting valuable time."

...

Harry sat in a chair in the Headmaster's office, cringing under the lead glare of Professor Snape.

"Headmaster, this boy has no supplies, no uniform, and, perhaps most importantly, no wand," said the Professor. "He cannot possibly continue his education here."

"I quite agree," said the Headmaster, peering at Harry over his typically half-moon glasses.

Harry Potter died of the killing curse whilst bagging groceries at Tesco's. The woman who purchased said groceries sniffed in disdain at his lack of work ethic.

Scenario #2: Harry Rides the Hogwarts Express

"I can help you there," said Draco Malfoy.

Harry looked between Ron and Draco's extended hand. He took a deep breath to steady himself.

"If you promise not to call any of my friends mudblood's," said Harry, "alright." He shook his hand.

Harry Potter died at the hands of Lucius Malfoy at Malfoy Manor over the Christmas holidays that very year.

Scenario #3: Harry is Sorted

"Slytherin would help you on your way to greatness," said the Hat in Harry's ear.

"Not Slytherin," said Harry, "I'm intelligent, I am! Put me in Ravenclaw."

"Very well," said the Hat who then shouted to the Hall, "RAVENCLAW!"

...

Harry glared up at the portrait, standing in nothing but a wet towel. During his usual after-curfew flying session, Cho Chang and her groupies, in retaliation to his friendship with Luna, had stolen his clothes from the Quidditch showers.

"Can you repeat the riddle?" Harry asked.

"What is black, white, and red all over?" asked the portrait.

"A mutilated penguin?" Harry guessed.

"No," said the portrait.

"A wine-stained newspaper?" Harry guessed.

"Close," said the portrait.

"A wine-stained penguin?" Harry guessed.

"No. Mr. Potter, I need sleep. I'm afraid I cannot allow you to guess anymore."

Even Madame Pomfrey could not reverse death by exposure.

Scenario #4: Harry Assists Dumbledore in the Cave

Dumbledore shone in the light of the raging inferno, standing upon the rock jutting from the darkened lake. He ambled forth, seeing Harry struggling in the water, inferi grabbing at the young student's clothes. He directed the fire to free him. Unfortunately, the cataracts in his eyes (which produced his ever-so famous twinkle) affected his aim, causing Harry to experience the unpleasant combination of incineration and subsequent drowning.

Scenario #5: Harry Confronts Voldemort

Harry slid beneath the covers next to the Dark Lord's sleeping form.

"Good night, Tom. I love you," Harry said.

The authorities never did find Harry's head.