Dialogues We Didn't Hear
By Bkpper email: Bkpper1066
Pairing: Jane/Maura
Words: 2926
A/N This my first published R&I fanfic. I've been lurking in this fandom for a while, and after Tuesday's disappointing episode, I had to expunge some of my sadness with this. There will probably be many of these from many authors; this is mine. I have several other R&I fics lurking in the depths of my computer. Let me know if you want more! Enjoy!
I: Evening
"I can't, Maura. I can't hear this right now."
"You're just willing to go into this blind? When you could know what might happen? What's likely to happen?"
"I have hope. I have to have hope."
An exasperated sigh. "Hope for what? That he'll treat you any better when he's well than he's treated you before?"
"What's that supposed to mean?" Jane's head leaves Maura's shoulder; she hugs herself against the gathering evening chill.
"If it were me, if a man treated me the way Casey treats you, you'd be furious. He disappears for...months, comes back, he tells you to let him leave, and he comes back again, promising a relationship that he will never see through. And you practically drool over him. I know he came here, Jane. Why? If he didn't want you to be with him, why didn't he just leave you alone? What's wrong with you? You've never..."
"Why is it any business of yours, Maura? Why the hell do you care who I date, or who I have in my life? What's it to you?"
"I'm your friend. I don't want you to be hurt."
"Well maybe I want to make my own decisions. Maybe I want to finally figure out my life on my own."
"I'm here for you."
"Does that mean you're here to meddle?"
Maura stands, crosses her arms. "Is that what you think? This is meddling?"
"Just...leave me alone, Maura. Just let me be."
"And watch you destroy everything that makes you special? The hell I will."
"Just go home. Please."
Maura slowly descends the steps. She pauses on the sidewalk, speaks without turning. "This isn't over."
She sways down the sidewalk into the dark.
Jane chews her knuckles, and, through tears, watches Maura leave.
II: Morning
"Hey, you! Wake up!"
Jane Rizzoli reassembles herself from various pieces, all afloat in a fog of fitful sleep. The shaking at her shoulder becomes more insistent.
"Dammit, Janie, get the hell up!"
She finally jerks awake, sits bolt upright, stares into the infuriated face of her mother.
"What are you doing here, Ma?" She looks around orienting herself. She's on her couch. "What time is it?"
"It's nine o'clock. It's Saturday. Ooohhh, Jane, I'm so mad at you I could take you over my knee!"
"Whoa, wait a minute, Ma, I'm not even awake yet. Lemme get some coffee..."
"Screw the coffee. You're gonna sit right here and listen to me! Then you can get your damn coffee."
Now hold on here, Ma, you can't just barge in..."
"Shut it, Jane!" Angela's tone is so aggressive that Jane recoils and is silenced.
"Do you know where I spent most of last night?"
"Innnnn...bed?"
"With Maura! On her couch! We must've gone through half a dozen tissue boxes!"
"What...Maura...and you...Ma, what the hell this all about?"
"You tell me! But I swear to God, Janie, I never thought you could be so mean!"
"Mean? To..."
"You know very well who. Do you know how hurt Maura is? You told her she was meddling? She's just trying to help you!"
"She has no idea! She's butting in to something she doesn't understand! Casey and I..."
"Since when is it 'Casey and you'?"
"What?"
"Do you love him?"
"What?"
"Simple question: do. You. Love. Him?"
"Yes. No...I don't know."
"Then why do you keep chasing him?"
"I need him."
Angela rises up like an avenging angel, then drops onto the couch next to Jane. "What happened to the Jane Rizzoli who told Joey Grant that she didn't need a guy, that she was fine on her own..."
"...You heard that?"
"Of course I heard that! I've heard you tell that or something like it to every guy you've ever dated since you were in high school! I'm your mother, for God's sake! I long ago accepted that you don't need a guy, that you are strong, that you're your own woman! What's so special about Charles?"
"We have a history...I'm comfortable with him...when he gets better we can have...a...normal life together. Isn't that what you want, Ma? Isn't that what all of us has always wanted? Me, a husband, kids...isn't that the way it was supposed to be?"
Angela stops yelling. Her face betrays shock, and not a little fear. She whispers "This has never bothered you before, honey. Why now?"
"I'm getting older, Ma. I don't want to be alone the rest of my life."
"And he's your answer? Charles?"
"He's a good man, Ma..."
"...He's full of himself. I never really liked him. Even when you were in high school with him."
"He's a soldier, Ma. He's a wounded combat veteran! Maybe he has a right to feel..."
"And so do you! You put your life on the line every day, and don't I know it! You deserve better, Janie. You deserve someone who won't play cat-and-mouse with your feelings. Someone who won't leave, won't reject you, won't make you beg for their attention. Are you telling me you don't know anyone like that?"
Silence. And more silence. A silence that thickens as it continues, surrounding the both of them with a blanket of certainty.
"Yes. Yes, I do."
"Of course you do."
"God, Ma. Really?"
"Don't tell me you haven't thought of this before."
"Yeah. I have. A lot. I want it. It's scary. Terrifying."
"And since when have you been afraid to face scary things?"
"But I thought...you'd be okay with this?"
"I'd be okay with anyone who could really take care of you and make you truly happy."
"Jeez, Ma, I love you." A hug that seems to heal so many things.
"I gotta get dressed. I gotta go."
"You apologize first. Before anything."
"Hell yes. I only hope..."
"She will."
"Feed Jo for me, willya?"
III: Midday
"I brought coffee. Can we talk?"
"I don't know what else to say. You won't listen."
"I'm sorry, Maura. You don't know how sorry I am. Please let me explain."
"Come in, then."
It seems so natural, so normal, the house, the air of it, the aroma of it that's the sweetness of Maura herself. I can do this.
Maura sits at the end of the couch, but Jane deliberately sits close to her, able to touch her and be touched, if it so happens.
I am so afraid. I think I'm gonna be sick.
"I had some time to think. And I had a talk with Ma."
"She was with me all night. She knows everything. I had to tell someone and your mother's a good person, she's been a good friend to me."
"I know...God, Maura, I feel like such a...jerk. Asshole. Is there a worse word?"
"Probably. And I'm sure it fits your recent behavior."
"Wait...I'm trying to apologize here."
"And I'm saying that you're doing the right thing because I think you've got a lot to apologize for."
"Jeez, Maura, have I been that bad?"
"Yes. Do you need me to tell you?"
"Look, I know I was an ass over Casey. And I treated you and your people...well, it was like junior high. I was a shit and I'm really sorry."
"It was more than that. You've taken advantage of our friendship. Jane, something is making you angry and you're taking it out on me. You've been sarcastic and nasty. I made the mistake of letting you get way with it. I'm sorry about that. A friend doesn't let her friend act that way. I should have called you on it, except I couldn't understand what was bothering you."
"I couldn't tell you. I...couldn't."
"Try."
Jane takes a deep breath, speaks quietly with her eyes closed.
"Casey...he was...Maura, I'm so tired of fighting. I'm so tired of not being accepted, just for who I am, what I do. I'm good at what I do. I'm not a bad person. But everyone new I meet, they look at me, wonder why a woman like me is a cop, why I'm still single, why I'm so tough and aggressive. So when Casey came along, I felt we had something, I felt I could be together with him and people would stop asking all the goddamned questions. That I could just be me, no questions asked."
Maura's expression is one of disgust mixed with pity. "Oh. Jane. Where do I begin?"
"Begin? Begin what?"
"To show you how wrong that is. In so many ways."
"Why? It's what I feel. I'm being honest with you."
"All right, then let's start with Casey. You're the best detective in BPD, one of the smartest people I know. Figure it out. What does he want from you?"
"Well...he says he wants to...not have a relationship. Because he's an invalid. He doesn't want to burden me."
"Then why does he keep coming back? Why does he keep making romantic overtures?"
"Maybe he hopes that...after the surgery...we can be together. On an equal footing. Like we were before."
"But he wouldn't let you in on what he was really going through. He must know the risks. Why wouldn't he tell you about them? This is an incredibly dangerous operation, Jane. Very, very poor odds. And a high probability of lethality. Surely he knows this. Why wouldn't he want you to know? If he didn't want you to wait, if he wanted you to give up on him, why not be honest about that?"
Jane's silence speaks volumes.
"He's playing you, Jane. He wants you waiting in the wings, despite what he tells you about 'letting him leave'."
"But...why?"
"I'd only be guessing. But...as a hypothesis, I'd say you're insurance, for him. Someone he can count on to be there if and when he recovers. And maybe then you and he can have your happy life together."
"Are you being sarcastic?"
"Thank you! I wasn't sure I was using that tone correctly. Yes, I am. I have very little faith in your dream of a gingerbread cottage with Casey."
"Why...God, Maura, even you? You don't think I can love someone enough to..."
"No. Yes. I mean...Here, think of it this way. Think of all the men you've had relationships with. What happened to all of them?"
"They ended. Well, except Casey. I think."
"Forget about Casey for the moment. So...when each of those relationships came to an end, who brought them there? Which of the two of you actually ended it?"
"It...was usually...ah...mutual..."
"Your face says you don't believe what you just said. Think it over and try again. It's just me here. No judgments."
Jane's eyes drop. The answer is a murmur. "Damn. This is gonna be interesting. You can't lie at all, and I can't lie to you."
"The truth, Jane."
"All right...it was me. I just couldn't...sustain a love affair without getting...I don't know...bored?...lethargic? Not worth the effort, I guess."
"So your efforts to build a life with a man have always failed to hold your attention. What makes you think Casey will be any different, even if he were the most loving, attentive man on the planet? That you won't eventually get 'bored' with him?"
Silence. Then Jane's eyes rise to meet Maura's, a hint of anger smoldering there. "You should have been a surgeon. You have a knack for driving the knife in at just the right place."
Maura reaches out for Jane's hand, but Jane pulls away. "I'm sorry. I know this hurts. It hurt for me, too, when I was twenty-two. I just had more help. My parents understood, and accepted what I was, without any drama. And the woman who helped me, who made me realize who I was, was open enough to accept my bisexual nature. You've been trying to do this all alone. All alone, Jane. Even when there have always been people around you who love you, who understand, who want to know you just as you are. Your family. Korsak, Frost. Me."
"Everything I was ever taught..."
"You may be the poster child for the effect oppressive societal expectations have on people who are outside those norms..."
"Wait...what? Translate?"
"You're afraid of what you are because you've been told it's wrong. Mostly by people who have no idea what they're talking about. It's not wrong. It's just different. And day by day it's becoming less and less different. Ten states allow same-sex couples to marry, now. It's not a big deal any more."
"It sure is to me! Dammit, Maura, this is my life, and it's coming apart at the seams! I feel like the most fucked up human being ever! Are you telling me It's taken me half my life to figure out..."
Pause. Very pregnant pause. Maura sees the tiny motions, the tiny details of muscle and nerve in a face she knows better than anyone else's.
Things are happening.
"It really hasn't taken you all this time to be aware, has it?"
"No."
"When did you first..."
"High school, I guess. When all the girls I knew were talking about the cute boys I was...looking at the girls. I had fantasies. But..."
"But you didn't dare say anything because of the environment."
"Yeah. There was one time, in Junior college...another student I had a class with. We wanted to study together...I went to her place. She got drunk, I got drunk...we got each other mostly undressed...then I froze, told her we shouldn't...she was okay, she understood. Said I should call her when I was ready."
"And did you?"
"Are you kidding? I was so scared I never saw her again. Dropped the class and took it again the next term."
"But you liked it?"
"Yes! Even though it never went anywhere, it was better than any sex I'd ever had with anybody before or since. I'm so stupid."
Tears. Sobs. Jane Rizolli, undone. Maura reaches out, and this time Jane comes into her arms.
Maura risks bringing up unpleasant memories. "Do you remember calling me the dumbest genius you ever knew?"
Jane nods. "Well, I think you're the bravest coward I've ever known."
Jane pulls back. "What...?"
"You stand in front of crazy people with loaded guns. You go into houses to arrest wanted killers. You chase serial murderers into dark basements. You scare the...crap out of suspects in interrogation. You're recklessly brave. But when it comes to your sexual identity you're..."
"...terrified?"
"At least. You're paralyzed, afraid of defining yourself in an unconventional way."
"I'm scared of being different."
"Essentially."
"So...what do I do? I simply can't turn my entire world upside down."
"Why not? What will really change?"
"My family..."
"Your mom already knows. Do you think Frankie and Tommy will think any less of you? They're not that kind of people."
"What about my job? Everybody's gonna look at me as that dyke, not..."
"Will it make any difference how you do your job? Will it be any harder than being the only woman in Homicide?"
"But what..."
An elegant hand gently covers Jane's lips. "Jane, you're making excuses. You're trying to adapt to the world. Let the world adapt to you. You are what you are. Be that."
"How?"
"Everyone makes their own way. I can only tell you what worked for me. Love who you love and don't give a hoot what anyone else thinks. It's your life, and that part of it is no one's business but yours and the one you love."
"That's all?"
"That's all. It's really no different."
Jane pulls away, covers her face with her hands. "Then I am in trouble."
"Why?"
"Because I think...I know...I am in love, Maura. And I...deliberately tried to drive her away. She makes me so uncomfortable. All I want to do...when I'm around her...I just want to hold her, kiss her...I'm afraid of the things she does to me."
"I know. You make me feel the same way."
Jane's hands fall in her lap. Her eyes are as big as softballs. "Ma said you might...I didn't really believe it."
"Believe it. I've been in love with you for...well, a while. A couple of years, or more. The worst time of my life was when I felt I couldn't forgive you for...you know. I don't really want to talk about it. I felt my life was over. That I had lost the best think I'd ever had in my life, even though we'd not so much as kissed. And when that was mended, I could only wait. I knew how afraid you were. But this business with Casey...I couldn't stand by. I couldn't watch you...diminish yourself. I...oh, damn, Jane, just shut me up, will you, please?"
The kiss is soft, tentative, cautious. It grows, as the exploration of hands expands, excites, warms two bodies as they begin to learn about each other in new ways. Eventually oxygen demands its due, and two pairs of bright eyes plumb each other's depths. Jane grins like she's just been shown a small slice of heaven.
"We're not going to have sex tonight."
"Really? I didn't expect..."
"You were hoping. Remember, I've been here before. Soon. We need to take a little time for you to get used to this. But you should share my bed tonight."
"Okay. I can handle that."
Maura kisses the tip of Jane's nose. "I know. Just cuddle with me. You need some comfort time, and so do I."
"In a minute." Jane dials her phone.
"Who are you calling?"
"Ma. She needs to know that you're okay."
Maura pulls Jane into her lap. "Very okay. Very."
Fin