Title: Weeping Willows
Rating: K+
Disclaimer: Unless Jerry is actually a female… Not me, so hence doesn't belong to me. Neither does the song; that is The Verve's- Weeping Willow. My only claim to fame is some poems that I've had published
Summary: Song fic Heartache is all Catherine's ever known Grillows
Note: My first ever attempt at anything remotely Grillows, so please don't slaughter me if I did absolutely terrible. Oh, spoilers for Built to Kill 1 & 2 ((7:01 and 7:02)) Feedback much appreciated!
Dedicated: mj0621 and Byte 366, they converted me to seeing everything at a Grillows point-of-view (although main ship still Sandle) and so… Viola, you get my attempt! Enjoy!
oOoOoOoOo
It had been five days; that meant it had been almost a week since the whole world had come crumbling down around Catherine Willows' eyes.
The Nevada sun was strong as it loomed just above the horizon; casting a thick blanket of heat over the city of Las Vegas. The fake neon extinguished, replaced by the natural light that made the place just look almost serene. Tourists were just emerging from their catacombs- readying themselves for a day of 'wild' activities and new win-falls of money. The residents of Las Vegas were only just waking, stretching their weary limbs out as they prepared themselves to scrape a living.
On the far edge of the strip; the opposite was occurring for Catherine Willows. A woman that lived by the neon of Vegas; and retreated just as everyone else started coming to life. Today though; she wasn't expecting to sleep; she wasn't expecting to ease her tired muscles; she wasn't expecting much these days.
When morning breaks
We hide our eyes and our love's aching
Nothing's strange
She collapsed onto the bed, smothering her head into the smooth fabric of the pillow. This was routine now; no sleep; just the ritual of blocking the world out. Hiding her face from the sunlight; as if there was no longer days and nights- maybe she could burrow herself in and pretend the days weren't slowly dripping away. Catherine didn't want to sleep; knowing that whilst within the subconscious anything could happen- but lying here… She was safe from any dreams; she was safe from the reality.
Catherine could already smell the salty tang of tears on the pillow; she could feel the unshed ones prickling at the back of her eyelids. This was the one place she found comfort in the world now; the one place she could be unguarded. She could feel the barriers that kept Catherine Willows CSI and Catherine Willows the mother, crumbling down every second she stayed there.
She blinked out the tears, she could feel them slowly carving trails down her face- leaving mascara trails upon her cheeks. They were leaving marks upon her face- even after she had scrubbed away the mascara and the moisture- people could still see where they had been. Everyone could see that she was weak now. She sobbed quietly; but still she could hear them reverberating off the walls. Echoes of all the pain she'd felt.
It was in our hands from 6 to 10
It slipped right out again
Shift that night had been simplistic; 6pm until 10am. She'd been working a case with Grissom at Circ Du Soliel; a place that she'd always been tempted to go to with Lindsey- but had never quite come to do it. There was so many things that she had wanted to do; but had never got around to doing; and that whole shift had made her think about it.
She'd always thought things wouldn't change; after all things were now just perfect and there was no need for any change. She didn't want the way she felt, the way Lindsey lived, the way things were, to ever of changed. Somehow, that shift had just changed everything.
There'll be no better time
There'll be no better way
There'll be no better day to save me
Save me
Yeah, save me
It was just a harmless drink; but she should have known better. Where had any of her CSI intuition gone when that drink had arrived without a name or a face? But somehow, she didn't mind… Maybe because the shift had been tough; and so she hadn't given second thoughts to drinking it all. Maybe, subconsciously, this drink was the proof that somewhere out there was a man for her… That wasn't Gil Grissom.
Once upon a time, a long time ago, there had been something there. Catherine had felt it, a deep connection between herself and Grissom, chemistry as it were. They'd played off each others' strengths, weaknesses and had managed to bring out the best in one another. That was when Catherine had found herself an equal in life; or at least a match. The way they could just cancel each other out and function as one unit; the way Grissom had shown her how to see things as facts and she'd shown him emotions.
She'd always thought there was something there; that it'd stay around forever until one of them finally decided to make a move… It didn't though, did it?
That shift though; there hadn't been the chemistry as there once was. Grissom seemed too preoccupied with other things; he moved with somewhat a guilty composure throughout the scene. He kept a professional distance; it was all strictly professional… That's when Catherine concluded that whatever chemical reaction had been there- it'd just fizzled out.
I hope you see like I see
I hope you see what I see
I hope you feel like I feel
She'd keep the hope alive; maybe just looking for the one person that could truly come and save her from the world outside. She'd hope that one day they'd somehow end up in a happily ever after- even with the bugs.
Well, there had been a hope. But that's possibly what caused the pain more than anything else; having a hope, denying anything else ever happened. Catherine was there, hidden away in her bedroom, wishing that she could go back just five days and make sure everything was just going to stay the same.
And the world don't stop
There is no time for cracking up
Believe me friend
She wiped her eyes, freeing them from the moisture that was collecting there rapidly. Tears wouldn't solve anything, neither would hope, because she'd learnt that life was ruthless. There was always a time and a place for tears; but that time had expired long ago, much like the majority of the food in her fridge.
Tears had been for when she'd woken up in a strange bed, dazed and confused. Tears had been for when Lindsey had been kidnapped, with the risk of never seeing her again. Tears had been for when Sam had been gunned down, and she'd never had the chance to admit that despite everything, she'd always be grateful to her father.
'Cause when freedom comes
I'll be long gone
You know it has to end
She curled up, clutching her pillow with her slender fingers. Catherine knew that somewhere along the lines there'd have to be an ending to the peace and the tranquillity she'd found in her life. It had been a long time since Eddie had died; and even though she had loathed him… It had still taken a long time for her life to resettle itself; and just as it had looked halfway normal; it had come to an end.
Her body rattled whenever she breathed; her life really had been dissolved over those few moments. They were all events that had been cataclysmic; the end to the world; or at least life as Catherine had come to know it.
No one knew the heartache or the pain that was going on in her life. She just wanted freedom from all of that.
There'll be no better time
There'll be no better way
There'll be no better day to save me
Save me
Yeah, save me
Yeah, save me
A light rapping at the door roused Catherine from her own tale of self-pity that had dominated her days. She could never say that she'd had the most fantastic life; but more recently things had really just snowballed dramatically- and she just needed someone there. Someone to catch her as she fell, someone who'd hold her until the nightmares stopped, someone that could just look after the fragile flower.
There was another knock at the door; this one more heavy; impatient. She pulled herself to her feet; even though everything in her body just told her to stay there within the confines of her room. She looked at herself in the mirror- just seeing a shadow of the woman she should have been. Her eyes were puffy and red, black lines webbing her face, and her eyes minus any signs of life. Catherine rubbed her face- getting rid of the visible lines; knowing that no amount of make-up could cover this damage.
I hope you see like I see
I hope you feel what I feel
Someone to stand beside me
Beside me
Beside me
Beside me
Beside me
She opened the door; expecting to see a salesman, a next-door neighbour of someone she didn't particularly care about. But what she didn't expect was Grissom stood there, his eyes filled with sympathy and worry and some other emotion she couldn't identify. She quirked her brow at him, a silent communication, asking him exactly what he was doing there, and he simply shrugged.
"I wanted to make sure you were okay."
And despite every rational part of her body telling her to lie so she could return to her room; something broke and Catherine could do nothing but shake her head as the tears started once more and the warm comforting arms of Grissom surrounded her.
Weeping willow
The pills under my pillow
Weeping willow
Pills under my pillow
Weeping willow
The Gun under your pillow
Weeping willow
Beside me
Beside me
Beside me
Beside me
There had been so many options that could have spared her pain; so many options that could have put Lindsey out of harms reach; so many options that could have made lives easier. But this was one she had never expected.
Somehow within the comfort of his arms, Catherine could truly find the sanctuary that she'd always search for. And it was the only one that would ever have truly eased all the pain that had stumbled into her world.
It's the one to ease my pain.
Grissom was her one and only.