It's been weeks since I felt the sun on my face. I haven't gone above ground during daylight since I found this cave. It's where Lincoln used to live. When I left Camp Jaha, my family, my friends, Bellamy I came here. It's the last place they will think to look for me. I've been sneaking out at night to hunt. But, last night I heard someone. I don't know who it was. It could have been an animal for all I know.
But just in case I've decided to stay below tonight. I can't risk being found. If Bellamy or any other sky person finds me then they'll force me to go back. I know that if I have to look him in the face to say goodbye again I won't be strong enough. I'll go back and have to live with people who know what I've done; people who hate me.
If a grounder finds me then at least they'd probably kill me outright. But, I still fear that they might do something worse. I know that Lexi cares for me, but her people come before any emotions she might have. Like she said, it is weakness. I lie back against the soft animal furs and look up at the roots dangling down from the dirt ceiling. I can see through the small hole that Lincoln made to watch for danger.
I almost scream when a shadow passes by, but instead I cover my mouth. It's just the wind. No one is out there. I'm safe, for now. But I know that I have been here too long. It's a miracle that no one has found me yet. Tomorrow night I will leave. I will go to the desert. Jaha said that there were outsiders there. They wouldn't care if I lived out there. I fall asleep thinking of Bellamy. I do this every night. Imagine that he's here talking, just talking. He tells me everything. He talks about the latest trouble Wick and Raven have gotten into. He tells me about how strange it still is that his sister is with someone and how tough she has gotten.
His voice lulls me to sleep better than any moonshine that Monty could make. That is my favorite part of the day; when I am asleep. I didn't kill all of those people in my dreams. Lexi didn't throw us to the wolves. Bellamy didn't have that horrible pain in his eyes after we pulled the lever. We saved everyone. Maya and Jasper are happy together underground and Monty is always complaining about being the third wheel not that he really minds.
Octavia can actually look at me without disgust showing on her face. My mom doesn't treat me like I'm a sick animal that needs to be put down. Kane and my mom are happy together. They don't have to fight over whether what I did was right or wrong. They only fight about when they're going to tell me about them, even though I already know what's going on.
Lastly, and the best part of it all is that Bellamy is himself again. He cracks snarky jokes. He smiles and smirks. He calls me princess and even flirts. He is beautiful and whole. He's not broken like he looked when I told him that I wasn't going inside.
Crack!
I sit up wide awake instantly letting go of the hopeless dreams.
"Over there. We need to get to the drop ship before it gets much darker. The grounders won't follow us there." Bellamy's voice rings out and for a moment I can't believe my ears.
He's right above me. If I call his name he will hear me. He will come down to me. I won't have to be alone anymore. I open my mouth just to close it again. I can't do it.
"Hurry up Bell. Why did you stop?" Miller asks.
"I don't know. It's just I feel like I'm missing something." He sounds so lost.
"You're losing your mind. That's it. Let's go." Miller laughs and a couple other people join in.
"Shut up, Miller. You're going to get us killed. All of you; quiet." Bellamy whisper shouts.
Then with the cracking of branches and leaves they are gone. I am once again alone in the dark. Yes, tomorrow I will leave for the desert.