So. Let's start by referring to what happened last time. Arthur, you were just about to...
What?
No, Bors, you can't.
Because dwarves can't use a broadsword in each hand, that's why.
Because I am Gamemaster and I say so.
Now, back to the game... Arthur was just about to try using his healing skills on Guin's character.
Yeah he can.
No, Lancelot, you can't.
Because you're a fighter, he is a paladin. Ok Arthur, make the roll...
Okay 17, that's rather cool. You manage to put her fingers in place and they heal like, real fast.
Okay Guin maybe not that fast.
What?
No, it's not just because you're the only girl in the group.
Well, it isnt!!
NO, woodelves do not heal faster!
(Sigh) Fine... use the damn bow whenever you like then.
Well, the healer guy that's with you guys manages to put the li'l guys arm right as well. It might heal in time. He seems to have taken the kid to his heart.
What?
No, he doesn't do a skill roll.
He doesn't.
Because he's the GM's character!
Anyway, on with it. Tris, you have been out and...
Tris?
TRISTRAN!!!
What's that he is listening to? Bors will you just hit our ranger upside the head thankyou?
Thanks.
Shut it, I asked him to do it.
Because we're playing right now, so no ipod!
I don't care if Fields of the Nephilim rock, we're ingame!
Right. So, Tris, you have been out scouting and...
Would you two just cut it out while I'm talking to Tris?
Guin, please, if you're so tired of Lance always trying to have foot-petting why do you always seat yourself opposite each other?
(Sigh)
Lanceot, Galahad, switch places.
Crikey, just do it already!
So what if you won't. The two of you always jabber on disturbing the game anyway.
Do too, Gawain.
Well, you can hold hands on the way home after the session... HEY, leave the GM-screen alone!
Now where were we.
Yeah, Tris, you have been out scouting and your animal companion lands on your arm and tells you she's found a way across the mountains.
Yeah but you have to go that way.
Right.
Ready to continue then?
Great!
What's that?
Well then call for a friggin pizza, Galahad!
Done?
Good.
For crying out loud Gawain, you can check out his new phone later!
OK, you have camped. I'll just do the ambush-roll to see if you get a peaceful night or not.
(arches eyebrows) Ooh, this should be interesting...
(Pizzabreak)
Okay, anyway, the healer guy has been buried, leaving the little boy in your care.
The Lord of the Army of Darkness have unleashed his hordes in the north, forcing all of you to withdraw to...
You're gonna what, Arthur?
You're kidding right?
What?!
I'm not railroading the game, it's just totally ludicrous.
Because it's the bloody Hoardes of Darkness!
Thanks for the support Lancelot. See?
I am a good GM.
I bloody well can improvise!
I am telling you, I can!
... Fine. You stay then. And the rest of you are OK with that?
Yeah I kind of figured you would be Bors. Dwarves tend to be suicidal.
Ok so the battle is on. Guin, you are positioned with the other woodelf archers at the edge of the ...
No, it's still not because you are a girl!
It's NOT! It's just that your character wears no armor!
Yeah, by all means, if you so please. It's your funeral.
Right. The battle is on. Roll your dice.
Right.
Galahad hits.
Bors, hits.
Gawain, hits but takes an arrow in your shoulder. Nothing serious though, 5 hitpoints.
Tristran... (grin) dude, your modifiers are sick... You slaughter them.
Lancelot, hits.
Guin, hits.
Arthur, you hit, and manage to help out Gawain.
Right. Next round.
I don't care if it's boring Guin, it was you who insisted on joining the fray.
Yes well, fine! You attack the second-in-command next then.
No, Lancelot, it's not because she's my sister.
(Evil grin) You attack the second-in-command. The Lieutenant of the Lord of Darkness. Roll.
11, you don't hit.
Because you don't! The Lieutenant is actually quite a badass!
Because Tris has a bigger plus modifier than you, that's why!
Because he's a higher level, now shut your trap!
You sure about that Lance? Ok cool. You can try to engage him, but that will be in next round. Roll.
Gawain, hits.
Bors, you get a spear in your back. Roll for CON.
Ok, 7 hitpoints damage, but you'll manage.
Gawain, hits.
Galahad, dodges.
Guin, the Lieutenant hits you. 3 hitpoints, and you lose the initiative.
Lancelot, tries to engage the Lieutenant. Success, now you're duking it out.
Arthur, hits.
Tristran, since you're on a roll, you engage the Lord of...
TRISTRAN!
(sigh) Not again?!
No Bors, don't. He'll have to learn it some way. Tristran, you engage the Lord whom your ranger would have dispatched of comparatively easy, if you could bother to remove that ipod! But since you can't, he rolls a critical, and you die. Gawain, get his attention focused.
(acidly) Your Exellency, thank you for joining us! I regret to inform you that you just died in your absence.
I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH FIELDS OF THE NEPHILIM ROCK!
Yeah well, sorry for shouting then. Go make another character. We're almost through the battle anyway.
Arthur, you see your friend fall.
(tiredly) Yes, I figured you would. You do realize he is quite a badass right?
Right... well... (thinking quick) Tristran managed to hurt him before he died, so he might have some minus modifiers by now.
Roll.
(looks over) You all hit, I see.
(looks at own dice) However, Lancelot this is not going too well. The Lieutenant just made a crit.
I know, it sucks.
You're going to what?
(grin) Dude, your stubbornness is worth rewarding. Ok try to throw the sword then. Roll.
(wideeyed) YOU HIT!
It's a critical. He croaks. Unfortunately, so do you.
Yeah, but that's the rules.
Well, it is. I know, but cheer up, we'll make a new cool character.
Guin, shut up. You're being so ungrateful, you know that?
Arthur, it's not working out so good with the Lord here... yeah I know you're getting low on hitpoints, but rules are rules.
So all fights over except Arthur. Right. Arthur, Roll.
Okay that's sick dude. You roll a 20 and crits him.
(surprised) Dude, you win!
Yeah well, that's the end of the battle. Next wednesday we'll...
What is that Tristran?
Yeah, sure, he looks cool. You can play him next.
No, Guin.
No!
Because you have pestered for ages about being a woodelf, and now you stick to your bloody character!
I don't care!
Yeah, good point Bors. You'll get some extra experience points for that.
Because he has been helping me out Galahad.
Well, no, I don't think you and Gawain actually managing to shut up when it wasn't your turn qualifies.
(sarcasticly) Yeah, go play with your phone, that a boy.
Anyway see you next week guys. Oh Gawain, would you please remember to bring the sourcebook next week?
Yeah but you kind of borrowed if for half a year now.
Yeah, thanks, that would be cool.
Ok, bye everybody. What's that Tris?
Aw shit, you're right, the last one leaves so early. Anyway, you can just stay on the couch.
Yeah, sure. I got the new X-box and everything. Or we could just eat popcorn and watch porn.
(wicked grin) Yeah? Cool, we'll do that. But put the ipod in the bag meanwhile.
(Laughter) Yeah I know, they do rock. They do.
Fin.
Authors note : Seems I'm on a roll with the humor-fics. Or else just very very bored. In case someone should have miraculously not gotten the gist of it, Dagonet was Gamemaster (seemed the obvious choice to me). Anyone want to guess what band I was listening to while writing this?