Author's Note: I do not own the characters or some of the nicknames. Those belong to the wonderful Miss Rowling. I only own the plot and some of the characters that you haven't heard of ever before. I hope you like it!!!! I'm told that this is funny but you'll just have to find that out for yourself, now won't you?

Killing Me Softly and Slowly

As she opened her eyes, she was relieved to see that she was in her bed, hidden by her hangings. She thought back to her restless dream. She was watching a small, skinny boy, who looked similar to a boy that she knew, running away from another chubby boy with balled up fists. As the boy started to tire, the chubby boy's friends appeared circling the skinny one. She watched as the skinny boy was beat until he was curled up and tears were running down his cheeks from the pain. She wanted to run over and cradle him, tell him that everything would be okay, but she couldn't move.

"Lily…are you awake??" a voice had called, waking her up. "Mmm??" the girl replied, "I asked if you were awake…" Lily's best friend, Madeline, was standing in the doorway looking amused. Madeline was a tall girl. She had shoulder length, brown hair that curled towards her face, framing it. She was very athletic, in shape, kind, and the person Lily always went to when she needed help. They had known each other since they were first years, now in their fifth. Lily was medium/tall. She had flowing, long red hair, to mid-stomach. She was a very caring person, except in the case of James Potter. She hated him. Always trying to ask her out. Apparently, he didn't know what no meant.

"Well now I am, and very hungry, any food around?"

"No…you know the drill, get your lazy bum out of bed, and let's go down to the Great Hall."

"Fine, but if I see those,…those, boys on my first day back…well…I don't know exactly what I would do, but it would provoke me…maybe…." Then under her breath, "…possibly"

A boy with short, scruffy black hair awoke with a loud "oomph!" as his best friend pounced on him. " Get offa me, Sirius!!" he mumbled into his pillow. "Come on mate, you're gonna miss Lily!" The boy's head shot up, causing a loud crack and a whined 'ow' to be heard followed by a "where??!!" as the boy practically threw Sirius off of him to get out of his bed. James Potter was a tall, with black hair that he always kept very scruffy. He shared his dormitory with his three best friends. Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew. James, Sirius and Remus were all quite tall for their age, but Peter had, as they liked to call it, a growth problem, he was very short.

"Nowhere, I just thought that it would get you out of bed fast, and boy was I right!" Sirius exclaimed with glee.

"Why you little…" he trailed off as he jumped on top of Sirius wrestling him to the ground.

"James? Sirius? What's going on? It's only the first day of school and you're already fighting??" a sleepy eyed Remus poked his head up from underneath his layers of warm blankets, trying to figure out who was making all of the loud noises so early in the morning and why.

"Sirius woke me up by saying that Lily was leaving and that I would miss her, just to see how fast I could get up!!" James growled facing Sirius, but speaking to Remus.

"I don't see what's wrong with that…" Sirius pouted and crossed his arms, "that doesn't give him the right to attack me!! Where's Wormtail?"

"Probably eating food like always, wait, that's you, Sirius" Remus replied.

"No, I'm right here, wow, you guys make a lot of noise…" Peter interjected with a mumble as he realized the boys were talking about him, "but can we go get food now? I'm hungry!"

"Me too, small ratish mouse person"

"James, is that Lily leaving her room with Madeline?" Remus had poked his head out of the boys shared room.

"What??!!! Where???!!!!! I wanna see her!!!"

"Uh oh, here we go again. Not even a day back yet. Why do you do these things to him and me Sirius? Grab his legs, Sirius, and Peter, block the door. I'll get his arms." Remus sighed. After a slight struggle, there was a muffled yell from the boy's room. "I AM VICTORIOUS!!!!!" a scraping and another yell. "James!! No!! You're pajamas are still on!!!!" And suddenly something came hurtling out of the room. It looked like some kind of flying blue object with golden balls on it.

Back up in the dormitory Remus shook his head. "That boy is going to kill himself over that girl one of these days. Oh my………this room is horrible!!" Remus had allowed himself the…pleasure, of actually looking at the room. There were dirty clothes hanging off of the beds, chairs, heater, trunks, and covering the floor. There were piles of Merlin only knew what. They resembled some kind of cake/pudding mix. It smelled like, well to put it nicely, Remus didn't even know what it smelled like. He gasped and ran for the bathroom.

After several minutes, he came back to Sirius and Peter playing Exploding Snap on the floor. "How can you stand living in this dump??!!" He asked both of them. "Oh, come off it Moony. It's not that bad!!" Sirius replied. A slight moan came from Peter followed by a slight boom. Remus sighed. "It's always me, isn't it?" he mumbled under his breath. He flicked his wand and bubbles exploded from the point and covered the room. "Mooooooonnnnnyyyyyy!!! Why'd you do that???!!!" Sirius whined from under a blanket of bubbles. The bubbles slowly disappeared and the room shined!! "WOW!!! I can SEE myself in the floor!!!!! How cool is that??!!!" Sirius was yelling at his reflection in the floor. The room was now sparkling. The bubbles had done the trick. The clothes were now sitting on top of the owner's trunk, the floor shined. Heck, even Sirius and Peter were shiny.

They all heard the door open and a sharp intake of breath. "Whoa…..what happened in here??" James whispered. "Blame Moony!!" Sirius replied. "Did you not see what it was like in here???!!!!" Remus questioned James. James sighed, and moved toward his wardrobe to put on clothes. "What do you think? Black robes or black robes?" James grinned at the others strewn across the room. "Ha-ha. Very funny. Just get dressed so that we can go and eat!" Remus sighed exasperatedly, while Sirius rolled around on the floor laughing. "See!! Someone thinks that I'm funny!!" James pouted at Remus. "Sirius thinks that everything is funny. Look, booger." Remus pointedly said to Sirius. He started laughing harder and nearly rolled into a bedpost. "Ha-ha. That was funny," Sirius sniffed and wiped his eyes, "but seriously, can we go and get food now??" James chose a robe, put it on and replied, "Let's go, buddy." They walked out of the common room and out into the halls toward the Great Hall. They ran into the Great Hall and walked towards the Gryffindor table.

The Great Hall was decorated for the first day of the term. It had the four founders' banners over the tables, decorated with their symbols and colors. The tables were set in the corners of the room with the teachers table sitting almost smack-dab in the middle of the hall. James and Sirius looked up at the table and saw Professor Dumbledore and McGonagall. Professor Dumbledore looked up from his bacon and eggs, and with an electric blue twinkle in his eyes, nodded towards the group of boys that had just entered the Great Hall.

"Oooh, James!! There's Lily!!" Sirius whispered.

"I'm not falling for that one again, Sirius."

"No. Seriously!! You should go talk to her!"

"Really?"

"Yeah"

"Okay then. I will" James stood up, located Lily, who was sitting pointedly at the other end and opposite side of the table from James and his dratted, what was it that they called themselves again, Marauders, and started to walk over to her.

"Lily, don't look now, but he's coming over here" Madeline whispered in Lily's ear. "WHAT??!!! What does he want??" Lily whispered loudly back.

"Hey Lily" James had appeared next to Lily and picked up a biscuit from the center of the table.

"Hi James. Is there something that I can help you with?" Lily responded as politely as she could.

"Nice day, we're having isn't it? Whatclassesareyoutaking? Howwasyoursummer?"

"Sorry James. Didn't catch those last two things."

"Whatclassesareyoutaking? Howwasyoursummer?"

"James. You're speaking incoherently."

James tried again, but to no avail. He just sat there. Lily looked at him like he had some sort of mental problem.

"James, are you feeling alright?"

"Hmmmm?"

"Never mind."

Back with Remus, Sirius and Peter, who were secretly spying on them, that is what you do when you friend is talking to the love of his life that hates him, right? Or so the Mauraders thought.

"Moony. James seems to be having problems…should I go and help him?" Sirius asked with a mouth full of bread roll, that he was spitting out with every word that he spoke.

"No Sirius. You stay right here." Remus said very forcefully, "He seems to be babbling again. Nothing that he can't solve on his own." Remus looked around and realized that he was talking to himself. "Padfoot, you might actually kill me one of these days" Remus sighed as he got up and walked over to James and Lily.

"Have either of you seen Sirius?"

"Not here Remus. Sorry" replied Lily.

"Dash it all! That boy will kill me one of these days!" Remus muttered again to himself as he walked away.

"Phew. That was a close one, right James?" Sirius said popping up from under the table causing Lily, Madeline, and James to jump.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING UNDER THERE??!!!" James, Lily, and Madeline shouted in his face at the same time. Sirius just doubled over giggling.

"You're all funny looking and purple in the face. I didn't even know that was possible!!" He gasped between giggles.

"Remind me to kill you later," James whispered to Sirius, "come on Pete. We're going. See you Lily!" They raced back to the common room. Sirius gasping for air while still giggling. He had to stop several times along the way and started to wonder around the school. Up, down, left, right, wait, maybe that was supposed to be an up... he had forgotten his way back to the common room, so wandering aimlessly sounded like a good idea to him.

Suddenly from behind him, he heard, "Black." He spun around trying to snatch his wand from his pocket and missing. "Snape." His voice was dripping with disdain for the slimy, greasy haired git. They had never gotten along. Cursing each other silently in the corridors, fighting, insulting, whenever they possibly could. 'Uh oh,' thought Sirius, 'this can't be good. For me or for him'

"Well, well. Black. Where's you entourage? You never leave them. You're like a puppy. Too afraid to do anything without them. I'm surprised to find you wandering the corridors like a drunk without them."

"I do not follow James around" Sirius spoke through gritted teeth, "you'll pay for that" A curse whizzed by Snape's right ear. Snape pulled out his wand right as the caretaker of Hogwarts showed up, Apollyon Pringle.

"Well, well. What do we have here? A duel in the corridors? You know that's not allowed." He said quietly, his voice filled with joy to be able to punish students. Apollyon Pringle led the way down to his office, but on the way they ran into Professor Elendil, who taught charms and was one of Sirius' favorite teachers, who claimed that she needed to see Sirius. "But, Professor, these two boys were just caught using magic in the corridors!!" Apollyon said with malice in his voice. "Tough luck, Apollyon! I need to see this boy, to speak about his failing charms grade. Teacher beats caretaker any day." Professor Elendil replied with a hint of annoyance resounding in the corridor. As she marched Sirius away from Apollyon, he hoped that Snape would get a harsh punishment, but as always, Sirius was sure that Snape would wiggle out like the worm that he really was. The professor pulled him into her classroom and Sirius thought that she was really going to speak to him about class. "Black. I really don't want to do this, but I have no choice." She spoke softly, so he had to lean forward to hear what she said. He still wasn't sure what she said, but he hoped that he wouldn't be too bad. He hadn't done anything too problematic in class. "Black. I'm assigning you to….."

This is my first story and I hoped that you enjoyed it!!! Reviews are encouraged, good or bad. The second chapter, will, I hope be up soon!!! -Lisbeth