Authors Note: Almost everything mentioned in this Fanfiction (except for
Algenon Huxley, The Whipping Boy of Slaanesh - hes mine!) is a registered
trademark of Games Workshop. As usual with Fanfiction, I am not making any
profit from this writing, so please, GW executives, don't sue me.
For those of you who do not know, the wood elves are a group of elves who
split off from the noble and haughty high elves many years ago to go and
live in the forest of Loren. Slaanesh is the Chaos God of pleasure (hence
the filthy humour ;) ).
Algenon Huxley couldn't help but get a sense of déjà vu as he hung from the chains that bound his feet and wrists to the wall. He was sure he had been in situations like this before. But then again, back then there had been lots of leather and it wasn't so. green.
Orion, King in the Woods, felt pleased with himself. He had captured Algenon Huxley, The Whipping Boy of Slaanesh, and had him now chained to a tree in his private quarters near the Oak of Ages. It was enough to make a big green behemoth's head swell. Skaw the Falconer was also present apparently because Orion was "too incompetent to do the interrogation alone." He didn't know what incompetent meant, but Skaw had assured him it was another word for important.
"I suppose you think you were clever trying to sneak into our forest domain through the grey mountains. But we were too clever for you! Tell us where the rest of your troops are you shall be flogged!"
"I wouldn't" said Huxley, grinning down at the huge multi-pronged spear that had been thrust to within inches of his left ear lobe, "I'll only enjoy it and get wood!"
"WHAT?" bellowed Orion. "You Chaos filth shall never claim our woods! We have repelled you time and time again and will continue to do so you insolent dog!"
Skaw slapped his forehead.
"What Orion means," Skaw said gently, pulling Orion back from ripping out the Slaanesh worshippers larynx, "is that he does not care for your filthy humour and only wishes to know where it is that your army is camped."
"Let me answer a question with a question," said Huxley, grinning widely again, "Where are your chariots as we speak?"
"They're trundling round the Wild Heath as we speak, why do you speak such litanies."
"Actually sir," Skaw corrected, "they've disappeared."
"WHAT?" bellowed Orion, "where have they gone?!"
"I don't know sir, you're the one that parked them."
"And also, why is it that your dryads are so weedy nowadays?" Huxley spoke up again. "They used to be the only thing in your pathetic arsenal that scared me. Now I do fear them - fear I will laugh myself to death when Im fighting them! Theyre so skinny, they are twig like! And so much easier to kill now as well! Haven't you elves heard of selective breeding? I thought I told you to stop ahem liking them yourselves last time I was here - the increase in elf DNA creates a far weaker species - one that we see now!"
Orion pondered on that.
"Skaw!" he said, "Take a note! There is to be no more dryad loving from the troops unless they themselves are dryads!"
Skaw's jaw dropped.
"But sir, they will be devastated!"
"That can't be helped Skaw."
"And Orion," said Huxley, again grinning maniacally, "how kind of you to lend out that spear to your fellow elves! OK, you call it a hunting spear when they have it, but it's still a nice gesture."
"This spear has not left my side since the day I was blessed by the power of Kurnous!" Orion snapped.
"But I've seen so many of your troops using them. maybe that explains the made in Taiwan label I spy on the side of yours."
Orion blushed a deeper shade of green. Skaw sniggered.
"And you can stop laughing multi coloured tights boy!" Spat Huxley. Skaw stopped laughing. Orion supressed a giggle. "Speaking of multi coloured tights. whats with your wardancers at the moment?"
"What, you mean they're brand spanking new wardances that we taught them?" Orion and Skaw high five in a very camp manner. "The less said about spanking the better, and yes I do mean said dances. I admit it, Im impressed. If only because of the delicious new number of positions they can show their groins off in. I'm also not wildly keen on the guy leading them."
"What? You mean our Blade singer?" asks Skaw.
"What? What kind of name is that? Does he sing to that rather hefty looking sword then? And what's with this treesinging thing! Oh look, the woods have just hitched up their skirts and run a few metres towards me? Oh no, Im shaking in my bondage gear!"
Orion rips his spear from the wooden wall in which he imbedded it a few seconds ago, and prepares to throw it at Huxleys face.
"Let me ask you a question before you kill me oh green one." Says Huxley. "Why was it that a self proclaimed Lord in the Forest was such a terrible fighter? Do you remember that Arena of Death you took part in? Lets face it, you were lucky to beat Snarsnik. And hes a goblin for goodness sake!"
"But I've got a really big horn." whimpers Orion.
Huxley looks down Orions body, then back into his face. "Keep telling yourself that, and it might come true." He says, smiling sweetly.
"That's quite enough of that!" says Skaw, drawing the binding bolas he had borrowed off Gruarth the Beastmaster.
"Oh put your Bolas away Skaw." says Huxley, just as a knock is heard from the door.
"Who is it?" trills Orion, in a sing song voice that he normally reserves for treesinging.
"Um. Ariel." Says a harsh, gruff sounding voice from the other side of the door.
"Aah! My Queen! My sweet! In you come my dear!" says Orion, flinging open the door of his office.
In the doorway stands Archaon, Lord of the End Times, Huxley's leader in the upcoming Chaos incursion, Slayer of Kings in hand.
"This probably won't end very well." says Orion, hiding behind Skaw's Bolas.
Algenon Huxley couldn't help but get a sense of déjà vu as he hung from the chains that bound his feet and wrists to the wall. He was sure he had been in situations like this before. But then again, back then there had been lots of leather and it wasn't so. green.
Orion, King in the Woods, felt pleased with himself. He had captured Algenon Huxley, The Whipping Boy of Slaanesh, and had him now chained to a tree in his private quarters near the Oak of Ages. It was enough to make a big green behemoth's head swell. Skaw the Falconer was also present apparently because Orion was "too incompetent to do the interrogation alone." He didn't know what incompetent meant, but Skaw had assured him it was another word for important.
"I suppose you think you were clever trying to sneak into our forest domain through the grey mountains. But we were too clever for you! Tell us where the rest of your troops are you shall be flogged!"
"I wouldn't" said Huxley, grinning down at the huge multi-pronged spear that had been thrust to within inches of his left ear lobe, "I'll only enjoy it and get wood!"
"WHAT?" bellowed Orion. "You Chaos filth shall never claim our woods! We have repelled you time and time again and will continue to do so you insolent dog!"
Skaw slapped his forehead.
"What Orion means," Skaw said gently, pulling Orion back from ripping out the Slaanesh worshippers larynx, "is that he does not care for your filthy humour and only wishes to know where it is that your army is camped."
"Let me answer a question with a question," said Huxley, grinning widely again, "Where are your chariots as we speak?"
"They're trundling round the Wild Heath as we speak, why do you speak such litanies."
"Actually sir," Skaw corrected, "they've disappeared."
"WHAT?" bellowed Orion, "where have they gone?!"
"I don't know sir, you're the one that parked them."
"And also, why is it that your dryads are so weedy nowadays?" Huxley spoke up again. "They used to be the only thing in your pathetic arsenal that scared me. Now I do fear them - fear I will laugh myself to death when Im fighting them! Theyre so skinny, they are twig like! And so much easier to kill now as well! Haven't you elves heard of selective breeding? I thought I told you to stop ahem liking them yourselves last time I was here - the increase in elf DNA creates a far weaker species - one that we see now!"
Orion pondered on that.
"Skaw!" he said, "Take a note! There is to be no more dryad loving from the troops unless they themselves are dryads!"
Skaw's jaw dropped.
"But sir, they will be devastated!"
"That can't be helped Skaw."
"And Orion," said Huxley, again grinning maniacally, "how kind of you to lend out that spear to your fellow elves! OK, you call it a hunting spear when they have it, but it's still a nice gesture."
"This spear has not left my side since the day I was blessed by the power of Kurnous!" Orion snapped.
"But I've seen so many of your troops using them. maybe that explains the made in Taiwan label I spy on the side of yours."
Orion blushed a deeper shade of green. Skaw sniggered.
"And you can stop laughing multi coloured tights boy!" Spat Huxley. Skaw stopped laughing. Orion supressed a giggle. "Speaking of multi coloured tights. whats with your wardancers at the moment?"
"What, you mean they're brand spanking new wardances that we taught them?" Orion and Skaw high five in a very camp manner. "The less said about spanking the better, and yes I do mean said dances. I admit it, Im impressed. If only because of the delicious new number of positions they can show their groins off in. I'm also not wildly keen on the guy leading them."
"What? You mean our Blade singer?" asks Skaw.
"What? What kind of name is that? Does he sing to that rather hefty looking sword then? And what's with this treesinging thing! Oh look, the woods have just hitched up their skirts and run a few metres towards me? Oh no, Im shaking in my bondage gear!"
Orion rips his spear from the wooden wall in which he imbedded it a few seconds ago, and prepares to throw it at Huxleys face.
"Let me ask you a question before you kill me oh green one." Says Huxley. "Why was it that a self proclaimed Lord in the Forest was such a terrible fighter? Do you remember that Arena of Death you took part in? Lets face it, you were lucky to beat Snarsnik. And hes a goblin for goodness sake!"
"But I've got a really big horn." whimpers Orion.
Huxley looks down Orions body, then back into his face. "Keep telling yourself that, and it might come true." He says, smiling sweetly.
"That's quite enough of that!" says Skaw, drawing the binding bolas he had borrowed off Gruarth the Beastmaster.
"Oh put your Bolas away Skaw." says Huxley, just as a knock is heard from the door.
"Who is it?" trills Orion, in a sing song voice that he normally reserves for treesinging.
"Um. Ariel." Says a harsh, gruff sounding voice from the other side of the door.
"Aah! My Queen! My sweet! In you come my dear!" says Orion, flinging open the door of his office.
In the doorway stands Archaon, Lord of the End Times, Huxley's leader in the upcoming Chaos incursion, Slayer of Kings in hand.
"This probably won't end very well." says Orion, hiding behind Skaw's Bolas.