Author: Hagane ^^\/
Pairings: GojyoxSanzo
-o-
It was the flames that did it. It showed me how……how he's so…..
……so….fragile. Watching him shiver like that, and gathering himself up with an almost jealous resolution….as the flames dance across his frame…I see……I see him in a different light now. He seems lonely, but there's this aura that radiates off him that repels everybody that tries to get close to him. I would know. I've tried before. And like everyone else, been pushed away as he retreated even farther back into himself.
"Ne Hakkai, I'm cold….can I have another blanket?" the saru's voice cut through the chilling silence of the night. The wind was howling outside the cave where we had sought shelter and snow was layering the ground in thick sheets.
I snorted. Any minute now Hakkai would indulge the stupid stomach-brain monkey.
True enough….
"Here you can have mine in the meantime." He spread the blanket that protected him from the piercing cold with his own.
"Hontou ni Hakkai? Aren't you going to feel cold?" asked the saru, though I noted the grateful look in his eyes as he gazed in concern at Hakkai.
"Well, if I do, you can be certain that I'll get it back from you," smiled my green-eyed friend.
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes and gave in. Why resist when temptation was great? The saru caught me in the act and pointed an accusing finger in my direction.
"Hakkai~~~~~~ the stupid kappa's making that stupid face again!"
"It's called eye-rolling stupid. Do I look like I'm making a face?" I baited him.
"Who you calling stupid kappa?!!!"
"He's so stupid he doesn't even know when we talk about him," I conversed with the fire.
That flared him up. "Sanzo!!! Hakkai~~~~~~"
"Humph. You can't even defend yourself. Gotta call on people to save you…" I sighed, "how….weak."
"Ero kappa! You're no better!"
I should have gotten used to it by now but… that irritated me a bit. "Who you callin' kappa baka saru!" I shouted back at him.
"Stupid hentai with shit for brains! I'm calling YOU!"
My eyes threatened to fall out of their sockets. This was new. "WHAT DID YOU SAY?!!!"
"Stupid hentai with shit for brains and sex on his conscience~~~" sang the monkey.
"I'm going to kill you!!!"
I leapt right at him when a gun cocked to my temple froze me on the spot. It clicked.
"You got a death wish redhead?" rumbled a low, cold voice.
"Nuh-uh. Not now when I haven't laid with a 100 girls," I protested.
The cold metal pressed harder on my skin.
"WHAHAHHAHH!!! See that's what you get for calling me stu-" he never completed his sentence as quick as the wind, the gun was transferred away from me, to the saru.
"Urusai." Growled Sanzo threateningly. I smirked at Goku…who stared down at the nuzzle in terror as it pressed against his chest.
"Maa maa…."Hakkai chirped happily, "Let's all not kill each other now…it'll be tough having to bury your bodies in the snow..and.." he threw a glance at the napping Hakuryuu, "Hakuryuu won't be up to shoveling either."
I narrowed my eyes at him. Sanzo grunted and moved away, tucking his gun into the folds of his robe. Goku beamed gratefully at Hakkai. I growled in frustration. "You could have let the saru die."
Hakkai turned his smiling face to me, "And who's going to help me carry the groceries the next time?"
I fell flat on my face. Seriously, Hakkai has got to be the weirdest person I know. I stared at him in disbelief as he cooed to the saru. He was saying something……
"…and he wasn't making stupid faces at you Goku, that's just the way he looks."
Well, shoot me.
-o-
I tossed around some more before abandoning all hope on ever getting to sleep. Annoyed, I threw off my blanket and moved closer to the fire. It had subsided, and was now glowing steadily on several remaining embers. I noted that it would probably last a few minutes before it died out on us, and with that in mind, I thought of being the altruistic person I was by bracing the storm and getting some wood. Turning to get my cloak, I noticed that there were only two other occupants in the cave- Hakkai and the saru, who had snuggled close to Hakkai for warmth. The bouzo was missing. Cursing all trigger-happy monks, I stepped out into the middle of a snowstorm.
-o-
The snow was falling heavily and I found it nearly impossible to not sink into the ground with every other step I took. This was ridiculous. Why was I seeking my own death? Either the snow would bury me, or the wind would rip me to shreds. What a pleasant thought. Stupid monk. Was he courting death? If he wanted to die, he could at least have the courtesy to tell us. Now he's got me all worried about him.
Which was stupid. Why was I worried? That meant that I cared. Why did I care? I don't know. Shoot me. I suppose it's got something to do with some uncertain feelings I have towards the damn bouzo. I don't intend to let him die without me knowing what is it that he makes me feel.
A sudden blast of cold wind almost tore my cloak away from my grasp. I clutched on to it for dear life. If I lost it…then I'd be as good as a dead cockroach. Idiot, I kicked myself mentally, you sound like the baka saru! I rolled my eyes and almost went blind as snow blew right into my face. Oh fuck the bloody weather!
I swore that if I didn't see the monk soon, I was going to head back to base and let him freeze to death. I mean, I did try.
Scrutinising the white-cloaked surroundings, I almost missed him.
-o-
"Oi bouzo. You trying to catch your death of cold here or what?" I called out, treading carefully as I made my way to him.
Either he didn't heard me or pretended not to, because I received no response. Annoyed, I called out again.
"Stupid monk! What the hell are you trying to do in all this snow? Oh wait. I forgot. You're in your element." I sang tauntingly.
No response, not even the slightest movement.
"Oi…..bouzo…." my voice came out uncertain as fear began to clutch at my heart. Completely forgetting the snow, and my experience, I sprinted towards him, somehow getting to him without falling neck-deep into snow.
"Sanzo…" I grabbed his shoulder and spun him around.
He was crying.
-o-
"A-a….ano…" I reeled back, more than a little surprised. This was SANZO. And he was CRYING. Somehow, the two words didn't really go together. What the hell was going on?
"O…oi bouzo……" I couldn't look him in the eye but focused instead on the ground, "What's wrong?"
He didn't answer. Just turned away from me and looked back out over the horizon. It was only then that I noticed that we were atop a cliff…..and it was a loooooonnnngggg way down.
"H-hey….it's..not very safe here," I began nervously, "what if the wind blows us off?"
It was a while before he responded. "Then go." His voice was soft, softer than I'd ever heard before.
"Okay, come on." I turned around, expecting him to follow but he made no attempt. I turned back to him, unsure.
"Sanzo….let's go back. The storm looks like it's going to get worse and I really don't want to die now." I urged the silent figure.
"Then go."
"Sanzo?"
"Go. I never asked you to come." There. His usual attitude, even in the midst of all this.
"Hell you never did. I came out 'coz I wanted to not 'coz of your bidding!" I intoned indignantly.
He didn't rise to the challenge. The wind howled around and I shivered, glancing at Sanzo as I did so. If I was cold then he……as a human…would be….
He looked up, startled, as I wrapped my cloak around him and pulled him close.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" he glared, but the effect was lost as the tears continued to flow silently.
"Why are you crying?" I responded with a question of my own.
"None of your fucking business." He muttered, pushing me away. I let him go.
"Sanzo." He looked at me, surprised at the firm, commanding tone. "It IS my fucking business! We're stuck in the middle of a snowstorm, in the middle of nowhere, and you're crying,
dammit! I've got a business to know even if it's not my business!"
His eyes narrowed. "I am not crying."
"The hell you're not crying! What do you call those tears then? Snow?!!!"
"They are snow."
"The hell they are!" I was over the edge with fury and frustration. Why was he behaving like this? "You're crying bouzo, so admit it."
"Do you want to die so much?" the gun was immediately against my abs, his voice laced with murderous intent.
I met his eyes unwaveringly. "Go on. Shoot me."
"You asked for it." I heard the familiar click and waited for the gun to bow my guts out. It never came.
"Sanzo?" He had closed his eyes, and his arms hung limply at his side.
And the tears flowed.
-o-
"Dammit Sanzo, why won't you tell me what's wrong?" I grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him roughly. It was a suicide attempt I knew, but I couldn't care less. He had me worried….and I found that I was…hurt…that he didn't want to confide in me.
He refused to open his eyes, but let the tears course down his red-tinged cheeks, red from the biting wind.
I stopped my actions and stared at him, holding him at arm's length. Those tears……they were so……so……sad. Well of course they were sad. He was crying dammit. But his face wasn't scrunched up like someone crying. He had his eyes closed, but the tears flowed all the same, and that was it…..it broke my heart to see him this way……
"Sanzo…" I grabbed him and crushed him to my body. His eyes snapped open at the sudden action and he resisted, but I had him beaten in the strength department. I buried my face in his hair and felt him struggle weakly against me.
It was a while before I finally let him go. He had stopped struggling, and instead had stayed stock-still in my arms. "Sanzo……" I began, noticing the angry, confused look in his eyes, "I……you……" I sucked in a breath, "you're so beautiful Sanzo……" and it was true. He had an almost ethereal air about him and the flush staining his usually pallid features made him look so impossibly beautiful. Like a creature descended from heaven.
He didn't move but I saw as his eyes widen. Knowing that I was going to regret it later, I closed the space between us and brushed my lips against his cold, frozen ones. He shivered and pushed me away.
"Yamete……Gojyo…" he whispered hoarsely, shaking his head.
"Why not?" I asked, leaning in again, but he turned his head away.
"Please Gojyo. Don't."
Please? Was he begging me? This was new. "Why not Sanzo? Answer me. Why the hell not?"
"Because……" his voice cracked, "I……" he couldn't continue.
"You what Sanzo?" I pressed.
He just shook his head, staring down at the ground. I let go of him and he stepped back and away from me.
This was not the Sanzo I knew. This Sanzo was……delicate…..fragile…..and as I observed the way his eyes looked desolately over the horizon, I noticed that he was so……frail. He looked like he would break any second.
I firmed my resolve, finally realizing what it was that I felt, what it was that he made me feel.
"Sanzo." I called out softly, gently, and he stiffened. I snaked a hand to his neck and tilted his head to me, so that I could gaze into his eyes. "Please." My eyes were begging him, "Tell me what's wrong."
Those beautiful violet eyes widened and those tempting lips opened just a bit. Unable to let the opportunity pass, I swooped down and kissed him, sliding my tongue into his open mouth. He moaned at the sensation it produced.
"Sanzo……"I whispered into his mouth, "Please, tell me why you're crying."
He replied by closing his mouth just a bit, but my tongue forced it open again.
"Tell me……please."
He shivered against me, and tried to push my tongue away with his own, but the feel of it against mine only flamed me up and I thrust fiercely into the sweet cavern of his mouth.
"Unhhh…" he moaned as my hand snaked up to grab his soft blonde hair that was caked with snow. I pressed our bodies closer, making certain he felt the bulge that was increasing in size.
He did and his eyes snapped open and he backed away, uncertainty clouding his features.
"I……." He was blushing slightly.
"Come on Sanzo. You can't do this to me," I took a step forward and I chuckled silently when his eyes widened in terror and he stepped back and slipped. I bent over to look him in the eye and smirked at the way he shrank back from close contact. "I'm cold, miserable, and alone….I want you…" I touched his face gently, "to warm me up."
"No." his voice was shaky, and his breath raspy, but he was adamant. "No."
"Sanzo……"
"No. I said no kappa, and I always mean what I say."
"Do you?" he was thrown into confusion at my words. "Do you mean what you say? 'coz it sure doesn't seem that way."
He glared at me, and I chuckled.
"Come on……I'll take you back." I reached out a hand.
Staring warily at my proffered arm……he closed his eyes, sighed softly, and took it. I pulled him to his feet and wrapped my arms around him possessively.
"Now……you're going to tell me what's wrong or……." I grabbed his chin and leaned down for a brutal kiss. He looked at me in disbelief when we parted. "……I'll make you cry."
-o-
We collected some wood and returned to the cave, where the two of them were still fast asleep. The fire had extinguished and the cave was dark and silent. Just perfect for what I was about to do. I made him cry.
….but he was writhing in ecstasy when he did, this time.
Then I lit the fire up again and watched the shadows dance across his frame as he slept soundly next to me.
It was the flames that did it.