Chapter One: Liquor is Quicker
AN: I could give a rat's ass about your cannon. All is how it should be. Oh, and disclaimer and some such nonsense.
Dedicated to Yakitori on the Rocks or whatever she has decided to title herself. Without her I would never have dared to write something so… heh heh.
Is quicker and all that...
"Wotcher Sirius!" Harry entered the Grimmauld kitchen with a joyous smile. Sirius - who had been leaning on the counter talking to Molly - raised a hand and grinned in acknowledgement. "Neville gave me some ale before we left...as a gift." Sirius raised his eyebrows and closed his smile as if already tasting the heady liquid.
Harry continued, scratching his head "I don't particularly care for the taste of ale but I thought you might like it. Though I'd be careful, he brewed it himself."
Harry set three brown glass bottles of unmarked variety on the counter and pulled a fourth from his pocket as his fingers couldn't have held another neck.
Sirius pulled up one finger and raised an eyebrow conspiratorially and said "That's right, isn't it? You're of age now so Ol' Molls here can't do anything." He flashed a brilliant grin her way.
Molly huffed and began stirring the batter for crumpets a bit more vigorously.
Sirius chuckled and waved him off "You'd better go. The annual Christmas Quiddich match with the Weasleys clan must be well underway."
Harry hesitated briefly, lingering just a moment before Sirius barked out a jolly laugh that easily disguised his private fleeting pang of bitterness. "Go on now Harry - catch up with them! I'm staying to help Molly with supper."
The Weasley matriarch who was quite capable of putting Christmas dinner on the table without assistance rolled her eyes, covered the batter, and said while she set it out to cool, "Helping me? Huh! More like my taste tester."
Harry left smiling. Sirius, now feeling obligated to actually help rather than chat, stepped towards the kitchen table that had numerous vegetables piled on it. He plucked up a potato inspecting it as if it were a mechanical puzzle that he was to solve.
Molly took out her wand and pointed it at the vegetables, waving it around a bit before the potatoes peeled themselves and the knives began to mince the fresh herbs.
"Now Sirius," Molly spoke sharply, bringing the shaggy haired man out of his momentary reverie.
"There is someone who is coming to supper tonight, whether you like it or not and I don't want to hear any complaining from you what-so ever." She pointed her wand at his nose and fixed him with a crooked squint.
"You will behave and act as a gentleman-like a civilized person!" She turned towards the door, in which the load of laundry she was doing was hiding in a looming mass. She was muttering 'shameful, simply shameful.'
Whether it was about the laundry or his previous behavior he couldn't tell. Sirius snorted his amusement and brushed the stray strands of hair out of his eyes. "Yes Molly, sure, but who is coming?"
"Severus." She flashed a warning glare at him before disappearing into the next room. She was remembering the incident in which the Weasley family had just come home from the hospital to witness Severus and Sirius with their wands drawn in the kitchen, both looking as if killing each other was a very good idea.
Sirius couldn't help the disgust that had crept into his facial features; it curled his stubbled lip and made his angular nostrils flare. "Well, bollocks… There goes my whole bloody night." He turned around angrily, crossing his arms.
Then his eyes were drawn to the brown bottles Harry had brought in from his room. His eye lit with an idea.
Sirius strolled over to them, picked one up and rolled it around in his hand.
"Hmm... it might not be such a bad evening after all…"
Molly had finally collected all of the laundry together after some work. Holding her arms akimbo with her wand jutting out behind her like a sword, she considered the load.
"Far too much, far too much…" She muttered. "Best enlist Ginny."
"Wingardium Leviosa!" She marched back into the kitchen, holding her wand as if leading troops.
She could not have guessed in her quirkiest dreams what she was about to witness. The laundry, however, seemed more perturbed than usual.
Hermione was looking at herself in the mirror, twirling her skirt around and alternately smoothing it down.
Ginny crossed her arms and said "I really don't see why you care so much. It's only a few inches, Hermione."
"It's not like I'm going to run out and buy a whole new skirt, but altering it slightly should be alright. May I see the diagram again?"
Ginny rolled her eyes and leaned back, reaching for the open book. "Here- but honestly you can hardly tell the difference!"
"I can tell. That's what matters." Hermione accepted the book and took out her wand. Whilst Hermione was muttering over her book, Ginny pulled her copy of Witch Weekly over from the corner of her borrowed bed to read.
Hermione had furrowed her brow and was pursing her lips in concentration; mentally she was practicing the spell before attempting it.
Ginny casually raised her eyebrow and said in an offhand manner, "Oh look, here's that new spell I mentioned to you earlier. It's a short cut - it works just the same as that one. Oh! And it has comfort protection! No draft. That's nice isn't it?"
Hermione's eyes flashed over to Ginny before she set the book down on the floor, open to the page she needed. "Ginny, I'm not going to attempt a spell I haven't tried before by shortcut, and certainly not a diagram provided by the Witch Weekly."
Ginny raised her eyebrow and licked her fingers as she turned the page, opening her mouth to defend the mishap of naming and the fact that it gets cold at Hogwarts if one just so happens to favor short skirts in the advent of a date.
However, Hermione was posing over the open book like a maestro not to be trifled with, and Ginny knew that she would only be shushed if she spoke.
A brilliant and genius idea that her elder twin brothers would love had her trying to hide a smirk as she pretended recalcitrance.
After a lengthy mental practice Hermione performed the spell perfectly; the hem gently rose up as if softly curled by wind, and it fell down longer than it had previously been. Hermione looked down, pleased with the results.
Molly's voice came through the walls. "Ginny! Hermione, dear! Come down into the Drawing Room."
Hermione looked at Ginny questioningly. Ginny shrugged and subtly pulled out her wand, her hand upon the shortcut short cut diagram.
Hermione turned towards the door, absently inspecting the hem of her skirt, measuring it against her fingertips as she exited the room. Unbeknownst to Hermione - who was fully involved in the hem of her skirt - Ginny gleefully performed her prank.
"Oh, there you are, dears." Molly said while turning to them, a pile of laundry in her arms. Hermione came over and took some of it from her.
"Thank you, I'm trying to look for the table cloth I want in all of this." There was a mountain range of unidentifiable laundry strewn about the drawing room which was, thankfully, recently cleaned.
"Mum, I don't know why you have to do all of this. Fred and George are the ones who practically- oooff!"
She was cut off by a pile being placed into her arms. Molly was now hands-free and had a satisfied expression on her face. "Fred and George have their business now and some accidents are expected to happen. I'd be grateful for your help." Her tone of voice suggested that it wasn't an optional task.
Molly got out her wand again but suddenly held both hands on the ends, as if nervous, and turned to Hermione. "Could you check on Sir-the kitchen downstairs? Severus is here for supper and he's come a bit early you see."
Ginny called out, surprised "But he never comes for dinner!" Her interjection became a whine.
Molly said "Hush! I invited him. Eating alone during Christmas, hmph! I won't hear of it. Not a single good soul deserves that."
Hermione scrunched her nose. "Isn't… Sirius in the kitchen?"
Molly squeezed her eyes shut. "Yes. There's also the slight problem of Sirius and his choice of drink. It was Neville's..." she tsked and shook her head, "I just hope you can…" Molly smiled close lipped, her worry wrinkles showing.
Hermione winced in return and hurriedly exited the room.
Molly turned to Ginny, who was guiding the clothes into being properly folded. "Ginny dear, we need organized piles. I thought that Hermione was going to change the length of her skirt?"
Ginny said airily "Yes Mum, she did."
"Sev'rus! Why are you acting like this Sev'rus ol' pal? Ol' school buddy!"
Sirius clapped his hands on Severus' shoulder and gave him a wide grin.
"Remove your hands from my person or I shall remove them from your person." Severus was standing, stiff as a board, arms crossed, wand dangerously out.
Sirius had a bottle in-between his fingers and made a drunken retreat, waving his free hand around. "Fine, fine. I'm jus' glad to see you, friend! You are a stiff one aren't you? Crack open one of these!"
Sirius had made his winding way over to the counter where the brown culprits sat, oblivious to the look of absolute disgust and horror on Snapes face.
"I wouldn't take it even if you had vowed to kill yourself afterward. It is obviously-just let me see that!"
The Professor (in full bat-mode) swept over, pulling his robe sleeves up sharply and narrowing his eyes. Sirius laughed and tossed him one before Snape could make it to him. "I knew it!"
Severus had a moment of panic and instinctively held out his hands, his eyes blinking shut for a split second. When he opened them he looked at the object in his hands as if it were a miracle.
He regained composure quickly, and turned it around, looking for a label or a mark or something that would tell him what devilry he beheld now.
Sirius had taken another swig.
When his efforts of discernment were fruitless, Severus sharply slammed the bottle down on the kitchen table. Sirius came up behind him and leaned on the black robed shoulder with his arm. "Whut? Whutsa matter?" He seemed thoroughly concerned; his mouth had made a serious line and his forehead was scrunched. Severus missed the mischievous twinkle in his eye.
Severus sneered. "You are realizing the severity of the situation just now?" He moved away from him, crossing his arms. "You unwittingly imbibe a drink that was unmarked? With-are you smiling?"
Sirius let the crumbling façade break away into raucous laughter. He bent over and clapped his hand on his knee. "Oh Sev'rus! So bloody fun!"
Severus' left eye twitched and his long, thin fingers turned white from gripping the sides of his arms too tightly.
Sirius looked at the bottle with a bright smile. "Heh! No, I know where and who-whatsit. Harry gave this to me, he said he didn't like ale. Neville…. Shortbottom had given it to him as a Yule gift. Nope! Long- Longbottom- tha's it. Good Mate- brewing ale…"
As Sirius' story progressed, or rather digressed, Severus' mouth stretched sideways and down, his nostrils flared, and his eyes twitched in an expression that could only be described as 'Eulch, you stupid oaf.'
Severus sat down at the kitchen table and pressed his middle finger and his thumb into the bridge of his nose. Sirius had continued with a story about some inane game and the weasalbes, and Quiddich, and now barked out a laugh recalling something that the twins did and how his godson thwarted them. He was so proud and full of happiness that it really was quite disgusting to Severus and he really didn't know how long he could put up with it. He had come early hoping that when he arrived he could assist in making the process begin so that it could end sooner.
However, he had finished babysitting the potatoes and stopped the herbs from becoming paste and there really was no more for him to do - except suffer. He could go against his cardinal rule to never help Sirius, and produce some sort of cure for his overly friendly, magically-enhanced, drunken state-of-being.
It would be helping himself more than helping Sirius, but inadvertently it would be helping Sirius.
"I don't suppose you know what the idiot put in the ale, do you?" Severus said in a droll way, resigned to this abomination.
Hermione stopped at the door listening. There were no angry shouts from Sirius, and there weren't any spells being fired. In fact, there seemed to be a bark of laughter coming from Sirius. The droll tones of the Potions master seeped through the door. This she had to see.
Sirius was about to open his mouth when the door to the kitchen opened.
Hermione had a kind smile on her face as she stepped into the kitchen. "Good evening Professor Snape, it's nice to see you. Happy Christmas."
Severus raised a thinly tailored eyebrow at the girl, noticing that her school skirt - which was usually the impeccable school-required length - was in fact four inches above her knees. He said lightly "Good evening… Miss Granger."
At the same time as his acknowledgement, Sirius stood up and happily shouted "Hermione! Aren't you looking lovely tonight!" in the process almost drowning out Snape's courteous reply.
Hermione mistook her Potion master's expression as one of camaraderie and smiled knowingly while turning to Sirius, eyeing him critically. "Sirius, what have you gotten into this early in the evening?"
"It's not early bucket, it's nearly half past five!" Sirius' eyes twinkled and lingered, but Hermione didn't seem to notice with her gaze latched onto the brown bottle.
Severus, however, did notice and narrowed his eyes to glinting black points.
"What is this?" Hermione walked over to the bottle as Sirius gladly strode towards her, stepping out from the table's bench. Hermione plucked it out of his hands and turned around, gently sniffing the contents, then saying in a curious tone "Where did this come from?"
Sirius had leaned towards her hair, making as if to look over her shoulder and sniffing as casually as he could.
Severus rolled his eyes disdainfully.
"It came, Miss Granger, from Mr. Longbottom, who had given it to Mr. Potter as a Yule gift. I gather the imbecilic lazy boy brewed it himself."
Hermione turned around but then took a surprised step back as she discovered Sirius incriminatingly close to her person. Her mouth upturned and she tilted her head away, not quite sure if she should find this amusing or weird. She couldn't quite help the flush that crept up into her face as she inhaled Sirius' scent of spice and bittersweet alcohol. It was incredibly suiting but rather distracting.
"I'm pretty sure I can help." She backed away, leaving the bottle on the table.
Sirius grinned wolfishly. "Help? Oh! Help with dinner? You are quite the little housewife; altering your clothes and helping with the chores and the holiday... functions. Isn't she, old friend?"
Sirius glanced back to Severus, while Hermione looked with false disparity at the elderly Marauder. She raised her eyebrow and cocked her head to Severus, a growing goofy grin on her face, when Sirius called him old friend with the utmost sincerity.
Severus' voice took on a hasty snap. "Yes, yes, quite the transformation for the know-it-all bookworm." Grudgingly and seemingly with great effort Severus asked dolefully, "I don't suppose you would know how to remedy this?"
"Quite handy has the bookworm become?" Hermione quoted - too late she realized - the reference was lost on two wizards barely involved in the muggle culture, let alone literary history.
Severus' eye gently lit in recognition. Despite her doubt at this vague reference, but realizing that he had inadvertently contradicted himself, the light dissolved into his normal hard expression of focus.
Hermione turned around, a satisfied little smile adorning her features with finger pressed to her chin. "I might actually know why the beer is affecting him like this. Neville had told me that he wanted to try muggle brewing, hoping that it would help him improve in his potions."
Sirius made to move with her, but Severus whipped out an arm and snatched the back of his robes. His tone of voice was steely when he said "However could he manage that?" Sirius shot him a dirty look, his black eyes still glittering with the fun he was having.
Hermione continued to the counter while looking at the other two bottles.
"I did try to explain that it didn't work quite the same but that he would probably enjoy the process a bit more." Sirius had come and put his arm around Severus, simply watching Hermione. Severus was resisting the very tantalizing temptation to wrench his arm off and poke out his eyes with the tip of a dull wand.
The oblivious girl had turned around with a considering look on her face - she was examining Sirius - who matched her expression with delight.
"I think he's just drunk."
Snape's words were scathing "Brilliant deduction Miss Granger, quite innovative thinking really."
She ignored him and rubbed a finger to her temple. "I didn't think anything of this until recently, but sometime after our conversation Neville came and asked me for some suggestions for ingredients in a brew. I was under the impression that he was asking for magical ingredients." She covered the side of her face with her small hand and squeezed her eyes shut.
She whirled around. Sirius started rubbing his chin bristled with dark stubble, a nonchalant expression on his face. Severus noted this suspiciously and turned back towards his pupil that he begrudgingly, occasionally harbored mild affection towards.
He kept a blank face. Though the idea she may have had was one he was grateful for.
Hermione opened a few cupboards, looking for something. "I didn't verbally recommend anything, however, I did give him a book. So, I think with one magical substitution, a muggle remedy will do." She paused and looked around the kitchen momentarily.
Severus shook off Sirius, unable to contain his snideness. "We should just introduce him to a diseased dragon or perhaps possibly the squid in the lake. With any luck, he will attach himself to that and it will cause him enough bodily damage that it won't matter."
Oblivious to the direction she was facing in her hunt for a remedy, Hermione bent down.
Sirius, with a merry jolly twinkle in his eye, cocked his head at this. He leaned on Severus, who had become as stiff as a board, shocked out of his usually cold variety of evil expressions into something resembling befuddlement.
Hermione chose to ignore his comment and got on her knees so as to reach the farthest depths of the cupboard. "I wish Molly didn't keep so many oversized pots in here. It seems a little unnecessary." Severus was trying to twitch away from Sirius and surreptitiously tear his eyes away from the sight.
He would have enjoyed nothing more than Molly's inviting holiday curtains but it seemed impossible to even pretend to look away the more Sirius pulled him forwards.
"C-completely unnecessary!" Severus agreed, though his severity was ruined by the falter in his voice.
Sirius tsked and cocked his head the other way. "Oh, I don't know about that, Sev'rus. They're quite lovely."
Hermione let a little sound of effort leave her throat as she pulled a small pot out of the darkness and stood up, her bushy hair somewhat helter-skelter.
Severus glanced down at Hermione's skirt, his eyebrows coming together sharply. He could have sworn on his wand that her skirt was only four inches past regulation instead of six and a half. What was this new devilry? Hermione went around the kitchen to get eggs and vinegar, seemingly oblivious. What was going on? How far was it going to shrink? More importantly, should he tell her? So involved was his conversation with himself that he almost missed her response to a question Sirius asked her.
"Oh, could you tell?" asked Hermione, sounding quite pleased with herself.
"Yes, yes I could. It's uh… quite a beautiful job. Quite attractive." Sirius had moved away from Severus and toward Hermione while casually scratching a tattoo on his chest.
She giggled. Severus snapped to attention immediately; his-no, Miss Hermione Granger... giggling? Dear forsaken heathen gods...! Severus seemed further lost in his thought process as she continued speaking. "Well thanks! It's a new spell for me so I really didn't know if I was doing it right, but it appears as though there isn't any mistake."
She opened a new cupboard containing magical ingredients and spotted the one she needed up high. Hermione lifted a knee up and onto the counter; Severus swallowed, dreading the worst as he watched her only half pull herself up.
Her posterior was not just visible, but along with her knickers, on perfect display. From the angle of his vision, Severus could swear that he was looking at knickers that seemed to be embroidered with tiny, dancing reindeer. It was tasteful at least. The thought flew across his mind and left him with a sense of horror.
Sirius had ceased idly scratching his chest and had darted forward, seemingly to help the poor just-of-age witch.
Severus had quite enough of this entire performance. His control was finished alongside his poor tolerance for Sirius' openly lecherous behavior. He whipped his wand in the air, hissed "Accio!" and the herb she was reaching for flew into his hands.
"Stupid chit!" He slammed the herb jar down on the table next to him and strode over to Sirius, smacking him on the back of the head and yanking him away by the robe. "Get down from there."
Sirius reached out to help her but Severus smacked his hands away and glared at him. There was a look of disgust planted on his face as he guided an unusually compliant Sirius away from Hermione.
She lowered her leg with a confused and slightly irritated look on her face. "What? It's not that high. I wouldn't have fallen."
"Learn to use magic. It would have taken far less of an effort and it would have been far more efficient." Severus was nearly sputtering. Nearly, but not quite. Fighting for composure, he searched for a reason to make magic as important as he'd made it seem. He himself had no love of the extraneous, foolish wand-waving, but did the girl really have no idea what she was doing?
Hermione was angry now. "You!" She sputtered bewildered, "But…" angry and dumbstruck. She composed herself and tossed her hair back indignantly as far as it would go.
"One does not need to rely on magic for everything." She said pointedly, a brown eyebrow arched high.
Sirius nodded, running a hand through his long black hair. "I agree Sev'rus. She's right, you know. Remember Fred and George?" Sirius started gesturing towards the pantry and the stove. "Well they-they sent flying beerbutter and bread with-with a knife! And see the burn on the table?" He pointed to the streak of black that had been left by the flying stew, and moved his other hand over the little nick in the wood where the knife had landed.
Hermione flashed her gratuitous eyes to Sirius and Sirius gave her a guileless grin.
Severus quietly hissed "Snake!" at Sirius while Hermione continued, unfazed and full of righteousness. "Just because one can doesn't mean that they should."
Severus noted that the total length of his dear pupil's skirt was in fact totaling six inches and said as condescendingly as he could, "One should also use their intelligence as much as possible. Kindly take your own advice."
Hermione narrowed her usually warm brown eyes and clenched her fists into tiny balls of fury.
"You know what, Professor? I will leave this in your more than capable hands to remedy! Clearly, I am no help as I do not use my intelligence as much as my effort to help and I do apologize for that." Snape was not one to miss sarcasm flung at him. She gave one last flashing glare, and stormed out of the kitchen.
Sirius put his hands up in the air when Severus turned towards him, a dark look clouding his features.
"Don't pull that with me, Black."
Sirius grinned like the wolfish dog he was and wiggled his fingers. "Eh, can't blame me. Never figured her to be fond of the bikini cut, eh? Hehhehheh."
"Shut. Up."
In case none of you noticed- there is literally no point to this. So, review and tell me if you laughed.