You know those cliché lines in movies, where somebody says something along the lines of 'I didn't expect it to happen, it just did?' This is one of those times.
Eli Goldsworthy. Age 17. Black hair and green eyes.
It's not that I was looking for somebody to save me. There was nothing more that I wanted than to end my life right then and there. My foot was halfway off the ledge of the roof when somebody caught my attention. I turned my head around and I saw her.
Clare Edwards. Age 16. Light brown hair and sparkling blue eyes.
Her eyes. Her eyes had me in a trance like nothing I had ever felt before. Her short curly hair blew lightly in the soft winds.
Location: Degrassi Community School. Pardon me; I should specify. The roof of Degrassi Community School.
It had been a long four months since Julia died. Julia. The sound of her name brought out the old bruises-figuratively speaking. Four months ago. Only four. In my opinion, which is the only one that really matters to me, four months isn't exactly a long time. It isn't enough time. Not to get over the death of a loved one. Was that normal? I didn't care. Normal people didn't have to deal with the death of a girlfriend. Normal people usually only had to deal with the death of an uncle or maybe even their mom. A lot of people barely get to feel what it's like to deal with the death of your other half. The only person who made any kind of impression on your life.
Maybe my problem was that I didn't want to get over her. She had been a huge part of my life. Sure, we had only been together, at most, a year, but I loved that girl. She was the only light that shone in the darkness that is my life. I'm just full of clichés today, aren't I? Well, I guess I need something to make me the slightest bit happy. Actually, now I didn't have to. You see, this was all a show. For my parents, for my so called friends, for my teachers. For everybody. They would never be able to see things the way I do. They don't know what it's like. I'm alone in this world and there's nothing I can do about it. The only person who has gotten close to me was now dead.
I know what you must think. Killing yourself because your ex girlfriend died? And my answer to that would be: Yes. Why not? There was nothing left for me in this world. Oh, Eli, what about your parents? They love you and they would be devastated if something happened to you. Well, you're wrong. They would get over it. They still had a few years left to them; if they wanted they could have a new kid. That's a little hypocritical isn't it? My girlfriend died, so why don't I replace her, right? The problem is-like I stated previously-I don't want to.
And now here we are. There's me standing at the edge of the roof. My foot dangled over the edge and I couldn't help but smirk. It would be so easy. Just one more step and I would be with the one I love. The black haired girl's image came into my mind and by default the tears began to fill my eyes. Nobody was around, so I decided to let the water drip down my cheek. I could see the tear fall from my chin and plummet to the world below, disappearing from my view.
"What are you doing?" The voice startled me. Luckily enough I caught myself before falling off the roof. Wouldn't want people to think it was an accident. I want to make sure they knew it was on purpose. Wow, Eli, you must have a lot of anger built up about the world around you. What did everybody do that made you so angry that you want them to know you killed yourself? Well, my friend, it's not that I hate everybody. I don't. In fact, nobody has really done anything to me from what I've seen. I mostly keep to myself, anyway. I don't try to 'get to know' other people and they sure as hell don't try to get to know me. When people see the way I died, I don't want them to think it was tragic. I don't want them to look at it and have any guilt. I want them to see that it was my own choice and that it's something I needed to do. Hopefully when I died, people would see it my way. So no; I don't have anger built up around me. I just want people to truly know my emotions behind my actions.
After regaining my balance, I turned to look at the person behind me. It was girl. Not that the voice sounded man-like, I just wasn't quite expecting that. I was expecting something along the lines of a school janitor or the principal. Nope. There standing in front of me was a girl, only a little younger than me. Her blue eyes pierced into my green eyes, but there wasn't any anxiousness or anger about them. They were almost calming. I examined the face of this girl, but she didn't look at all familiar. The purple polo she was wearing told me that she was a grade 10; one grade below me. I almost wanted to scoff. Why would this underclassman feel the need to approach me?
Then it occurred to me. I'm standing at the edge of the roof.
That provoked a question of my own. Why the hell was a girl like that up here on the roof? This wasn't exactly a hotspot for most teenagers. Ignoring the question, I continued to stare into the girl's face.
"What are you doing?" she asked again. You know when two people are on the phone and there is a lacking in conversation? One line usually asks 'so, what are you doing?' That's exactly the tone she used. As if her being on the roof wasn't surprising enough, her words caught me off guard. Many people at ground level usually just watched, but this girl decided to make her way up. Probably to try and 'save my life.'
"Plotting my death," I replied just as casually. The girl raised an eyebrow cautiously, but curiously.
"Why?" she asked simply. I took a long look at this girl, but her expression remained the same.
"Why should I tell you?"
"Well, if you're about to end your life, at least one person should know why," she
shrugged.
Everything in my mind came to a halt right then and there. Was she going to even try to stop me? Or was this some kind of mind game? Either way, she had me convinced enough.
"A few months back...somebody close to me... died." Eli swallowed the gulp that was forming in his throat. The memories were getting to him. The tears from before stung in his eyes, but this time he held back. "And ever since, I haven't been able to get over it."
The girl took one step forward. In most cases I would have stepped back, but if I did, that would be it for me. "Who are you?"
"Sorry, how rude. I'm Clare. Clare Edwards." That was all she said before moving on to the next topic. There was something seriously odd about this girl, but I would be the one to talk.. Clare didn't even ask for my name. Did I know her? Maybe she already knew my name. She didn't seem familiar, so I said nothing. "How long have you been having these thoughts," she asked.
At this point, I felt like a science experiment or in a therapy session. It was as if this girl was dissecting my mind. I knew what she was up to by then. She wanted to stop me. But I wasn't going to budge. I was fully intent on jumping, or I had been a few moments before.
"A few days I guess. Why does it matter to you?" My tone was colder than I had expected, but I stood my ground. She didn't have any right to ask me all of these questions. I barely knew her.
"That's for me to know," a smirk played out a against her lips and I could almost feel myself smiling, but I held back. There was something interesting about her, but I couldn't put my finger on it.
The school bell rang and my head turned to look at all of the people on the ground shuffling to get to class. A few students looked up to see me. I stared right back at them, smirking. My face looked as if I were ready to jump. A few of them ran inside; probably trying to get a teacher, but it was too late. I was here. Or rather, it would have been too late, if it hadn't been for this girl. Clare. Clare was keeping me from falling to my death. But why? The reason was still unclear. Clare could see that I was contemplating it. She could see that I wasn't sure of myself anymore. That was strange even for me. I was so bent on doing it a few seconds before, but now I wasn't sure.
There shouldn't be anything more that I wanted than to fall gracefully and be with the girl I love. But something held me back. A tie-a tie to this old world.
"Hey, why don't you just head to class." I was almost shocked at her sentence. It was so unexpected. She didn't do or say anything to convince me not to jump, she was just telling me.
"No, I have to do this." I clenched my fists into balls, taking a deep breath. I turned back around to face the edge and my eyes fell closed. The picture of Julia formed in my head as I realized again why I was doing this. But the voice of the girl broke my trance…yet again.
"Trust me. You can step down. The ledge will always be here," Clare said. I felt my fists loosen a bit as I opened my eyes. I contemplated it again. For some reason the girl's words swayed me away from the ledge, but my own will power kept me there. She was right. The ledge would be there tomorrow. Would that mean she would come back again? Was she really intent on stopping me or was she literally being casual about this.
"If you really mean it-if you really want to end your life-you'll be here tomorrow."
And at that sentence, I felt my foot slowly move off of the ledge and touch the floor of the roof.