It's been 5 months since the mountain, since Clarke walked away from Camp Jaha, since Lexa saved her people and turned away from Clarke.
After leaving Camp Jaha, Clarke walked and walked. Then walked some more. She stopped only to sleep once she nearly collapsed from exhaustion, drank only when she came across water, and ate barely any of the rations she took from camp. Focusing on every step and every breath, anything other than the lever, other than the lifeless children, the lifeless bodies covered in blood, the lifeless girl Jasper loved who helped them, the lifeless boy she could have loved. 72 hours focusing only on the air flowing through her system. 4320 minutes until her nightmares finally seeped through to the day.
The horrors could not be kept at bay. The third day everything rushed her as she was forced to her knees. The pain escaped her body through every possible passage. Sobs unable to be stopped. Inhuman shrieks finally rose up through her lungs past her lips. Her hands punched the ground, pounded her chest, and finally smashed flat against her eyes—anything to try and stop the endless movie playing behind her eyes. The release could have last minutes or days until Clarke curled in on herself and finally slept free from the images.
Waking, she continued her walk. She tried to go back to the in and out of oxygen through her system but once the memories cracked her walls, she was unable to repair them. She tried to replace the guilt with anger. She tried to use the anger and drown in it—allow it to stifle all her other pain. Anger at Lexa for forcing her to pull that lever. Anger at Lexa for walking away. Anger at Lexa for leaving her. Anger at Lexa. Clarke could never keep a grasp on the anger though. It continued to slip through her fingers like smoke in the wind. Clarke could never hold her mindless anger long because the truth always seeped through the crudely rebuilt wall. Just as Clark saved her people, Lexa saved hers.
It's been 4 weeks since Clarke stumbled upon the Trikru village, since they welcomed her, since she had human contact.
Thankfully, even with Lexa's action in the Mountain Battle, the alliance still held. The mountain men who had terrorized the Grounders for generations were brought to their knees by the Skaikru's Princess. The Grounders knew of how Clarke defeated the mountain men. She saw their uneasy looks, they knew the lengths she went to rescue her people held within. But still the Trikru were grateful.
The Trikru gave Clarke a temporary home and she helped where she could. She found herself most useful in the medical tent. Thankfully, enough time had passed for none of the injured to be from the mountain captives. The few warriors she tended to were injured in a hunting accident. Her modern ways helped how the village healer could not.
It's been 3 days since the prep for the celebration started, since the whispers began hissing, since "Heda's coming" spread through camp like wild fire.
Clarke knew she couldn't avoid her forever. Clarke just acted as if the whispers were wrong. If she pretended it wasn't happening, maybe Lexa would not actually appear.
It's been 2 hours since the air of camp changed, since the whispers stopped and became truth, since Lexa strutted into camp with her head held high.
Clarke was uncertain what to do and she knew she only had so much time before a Grounder informed Lexa of her presence. The celebration did not begin for a few hours. Night had not even settled over the village yet. The injured warriors all healed quickly, except one. Clarke went to apply medicine and rewrap the slice across her chest. When Clarke first saw her, the slash was deep enough to reveal the white of her ribs. Now she was close to sitting up. Clarke could only waste so much time tending to the girl.
She returned to the tent she'd been sharing with the healer. He was one of few words for which Clarke continued to be grateful. Clarke graciously accepted the traditional clothing the older man handed her for the ceremony.
The top was simple, loose and gray with a few rips on the shoulder. There was a knit black sweater which laid off one shoulder. The pants were big but there was another chain Clarke used to keep them up. She wore her own boots and laced them tight. Her favorite part of the Grounder outfit was the gloves completely made of black leather with silver chains across the knuckles connecting the fingers to the main piece with another chain wrapping the wrists and the leather reaching all the way to her elbows.
It's been 1 hour since Clarke surrendered from the tents safety, since Clarke nearly collided with the Commander and her eyes met the impossible green of Lexa's, since the uncountable emotions flashed in seconds, since Clarke turned away from Lexa.
"Clarke, wait!" Lexa yelled and stepped to follow her.
Clarke slowed but refused to stop and face her. "We don't need to talk about it," she said calmly once Lexa got closer, "You saved your people and I saved mine."
Lexa stopped running with her hand frozen in its failed attempt to reach Clarke.
Smoke from the beginning of a fire burned Clarke's eyes as she weaved towards an unknown destination. She didn't know what to feel. There was still no anger. Rather than the indifference Clarke wanted, Lexa was like a magnet dragging Clarke to her. Turning away from Lexa was one of the hardest things she'd done.
Finding her healer awaiting the celebration with a bottle in hand, Clarke did not think twice before grabbing it and taking a large swig. She couldn't even feel the burn compared to the pain coursing through her veins.
It's been 30 minutes since the celebration began, since the Grounders began pounding out rhythms on the drums, since the towering, 10 foot flames danced in the night and the grounders along with it, since Clarke stood opposite the fire from Lexa.
Clarke could barely make out the dignified figure in the orange flames against the black background of night. Still, she was certain Lexa continuously stared at her. Clarke never let go of her claimed bottle. The alcohol allowed herself to admit she still cared for the girl. The drug following in her veins was not strong enough to stop Clarke from knowing she did not trust Lexa but she could not stay away.
Clarke found her courage at the bottle's bottom. She stalked over and grabbed Lexa's arm. She saw the uncertainty flash in Lexa's eyes. Lexa questioned what was happening as Clarke silently pulled her to the group of Grounders dancing.
"I want to talk," Lexa exclaims.
Clarke bounces around to the music allowing it to take control of her body. She yells over the pounding of the drum, "Don't you dare look back. Just keep your eyes on me."
"You're holding back!" Lexa shouts over the music.
Clarke just says, "Shof op and dance with me!"
Who knows if she'll ever trust Lexa again but for tonight she's her destiny.