PROLOGUE
2000
As the shrill wail of a baby's cry invades my ears, I give a groan and bury further underneath the blankets, I could already feel the steady thump of a headache starting at the base of my head and the day had barely begun. As I cracked my eyes and peered out at the window I could see the faint glow of sunrise beginning to peek between the curtains, as the baby's cry turns into sobs, I groan faintly and pull myself upright. As I grope unsteadily in the cool dimness for my shirt my mind goes back to the night before. I shudder as a chill runs through me and I gently put my fingers to my forehead, as they brush the smooth lump, I can feel the uneven edges of the congealed blood I have forgotten to clean off the night before and I flinch and pull my hand away as I brush a particulary tender spot. As I rush from the room and hurry quickly down the hall, I open the door and a ripple of relief flows through me as my darling daughter, sobs forgotten as she sees me, lights up with a smile. "Nice to know you at least are always happy to see me" I grin down at her. As I lift her out of her cot and gently stroke her tears away with the corner of my shirt, she snuggles into my shoulder and curls her chubby fingers through my hair. I think back to that day, eighteen months ago when I first realised she was a reality. The utter devastation I had felt knowing I was bringing a baby into my nightmare of a life and the wish that something, anything, would happen to make it go away. You see my life then wasnt the life anybody would want, even I didnt want it but I didnt know how to get out of it, I still dont...how does someone change their life?. My life has never been easy, even as a child, but looking down at Belle I knew it was time to change, I had to protect her and get her away from this house where misery and fear ruled my waking hours but how? Sadness was all I ever really knew, except for those first 5 years when my Mother was alive, they seem so long ago that I sometimes find myself wondering if my mother was just a dream. My thoughts wander back to where it all started as I dreamily stroke my daughters back and start thinking back on the past.
CHAPTER ONE
1994
As I raced to catch the bus to school my head was in a whirl, the weekend had been one of surprises and as my mind went back to the delicious moments of Friday night my mouth curled up in a secret smile and I shivered with delight. I heard my name being called and as I broke out of my daydream I looked across to see my friend Shay waiting for me, we had been neighbours and best friends for as long as I could remember. "Hurry up La La" she yelled "the bus is coming". La La was my pet name and only a few people could get away with that, if you weren't one of them then you better hope your legs were longer then my arms because I packed quite a punch for someone who was only 5 foot 4. I may be little for my fourteen years but dont let that fool you as many bullies have found out, the bullies usually leave me alone once they discover im not afraid to punch back, I am the only girl in a family of boys, I have 2 older brothers and 2 younger brothers so I am more then able to stand up for myself. My Mother left us when Pauly was only a baby, I was five and had just started at kindy. I will never forget the day the police came to school to pick me up, They had my older brothers Sam and Nick and the look on my brothers faces made me nearly wee my knickers in fear. It has been 9 years today since that horrible day and for most of those years Dad was more often then not at work from dawn til dusk or wandering for hours from pub to pub looking for some solace in the bottom of a beer glass. I never could figure out wether he was working for the money or if it was because looking at me was too painful and so he used work to avoid me. Everyone says I am my Mother's mirror image and my Dad worshipped the ground she walked on. Gran always says "Not a day went by when your daddy wasnt thinking about your mum, he would leave little notes laying around telling her how much he loved her, he would pick flowers and place them next to her pillow as she slept so she could wake to the sweet fragrance of them drifting across her senses. He would pop home with her favourite extra large Ben & Jerry's chocolate thickshake in his lunch break just so he could see her thousand watt smile spread slowly across her face and as she skipped across to take it she would leave a kiss on his nose and another on his heart". I used to love hearing the stories from Gran, Thank god for Gran! I thought with a grin. On day it all went wrong, Dad arrived home with plans on surprising her with a secret picnic lunch and instead found things were not as they should be. Pauly was shrieking in anger in his cot and 3 year old jack was half dressed in clothes that were inside out and back to front. As dad walked in the front door he saw jack balanced precariously on the edge of the kitchen counter trying to figure out the buttons he needed to press on the microwave to get it working, as he concentrated on his task he didnt hear the front door open and as Dad walked in and surveyed the mess of milk that was running in drips down the counter he bellowed " Jack,! What in blazes are you doing? wheres your Mum?" Jack turned sharply at the sudden noise and slipped, banging his head hard against the counter. As he broke out in noisy sobs Dad scooped him up and planted a kiss on his head, "never mind mate its just milk we will get it cleaned up in a jiffy, what were you doing?" as Jack stopped crying he gave a hiccup and replied "Mummy is still sleeping and she wouldnt wake up, Pauly was hungry and I was making his bottle only the milk was too heavy, im sorry Daddy, will Mummy be angry with me?" At hearing Jacks reply Dad stopped what he was doing and looked blankly at the clock, his heart started hammering as he realised the time, he grabbed the baby's bottle and started down the hall. As he stopped quickly to hand Paul the bottle he dropped Jack down next to Paul and told him to stay there and look after his brother, with a last quick glance at them before he pulled the door closed behind him he stood facing the bedroom door opposite. The hairs on his neck were raised up and tingling and goosebumps were racing up and down his body. As he pushed the door open he let out a groan and sank to his knees, curled up on the window seat was his wife, but even at this distance he could tell there was no life left in her. On the table next to her body was a letter and an empty bottle of sleeping pills. As the sound of his grief pierced the air, the will to live was slowly sucked from his body. As the days became weeks and then months and years he slowly learnt to live with it but it never really went away, he was a shadow of the man he once was and while he found my brothers a comfortable presence in his life, mine merely reminded him of all he had lost until eventually he could bear it no longer and sent me to Gran and while life was easier with her I still struggled to find myself.