The Evening Star – Chapter One – The Circumstances of Me
I'd never given much thought to how I would die – I wasn't even entirely certain I could die – but I suppose that if I had taken the time to consider it, I would have thought that this was a good way to go. In the place of someone else, someone that I love. Surely if there was a god above that watched us, my death would count for something with them. Maybe if I couldn't be forgiven, then at least...
Maybe he could.
That would be enough to make death worth it.
For as long as I can remember (and that is significantly longer than most people can), I knew that I was loved. My very first memories are of my mother's unwavering devotion to me. She had been willing to die, if it meant I would be born safely. Even though I hurt her. Even though she didn't even know me. I'm so very much like her sometimes.
My father's love was not as immediate, nor was it as strong, but still I knew he loved me. He had to, I was part of his Bella. He taught me how to play the piano, and baseball, and how to drive a standard transmission. It isn't his fault that he would rather be a husband than be a father. I know that I was not exactly a planned for child, but he never made me feel like a mistake.
If Edward was unsure sometimes of how to be a parent to me, it was more than made up for by Esme and Carlisle. I could not hope for better role models than my 'grandparents'. Carlisle encouraged me, taught me, he accepted me no matter how odd my behavior or strange my cravings. He was such a constant, so certain of who he was and what he wanted from his life, and all he ever wished for was for me to feel the same self assurance. I always wanted to be more like him, even though I knew I would always fall short. And Esme! She helped me make cookies, even though neither of us ate them. She held me when I was sad. She caught me when I stumbled. She exuded maternal love for me, for Mama, for all of us. I never felt like I was missing anything a 'normal' family would have, mostly because of her.
I knew Esme's heart ached for her scattered children. As I grew older, it seemed that my 'aunts' and 'uncles' got restless and spent more time away from each other. There was no animosity or regret in them about it, just a need to roam free. Although I can't really say for sure, I think that my birth and all that happened before it made them want to see what else there could be to their existence. Rosalie said once that vampires were frozen in time, never moving forward, always the same, year after year, but after seeing all that Mama and Dad went through and the tiny miracle of me, how could they not want to know what else was out there? And I couldn't really begrudge them their desires. There were always messages and emails and letters flying back and forth and they rarely refused me when I wanted to visit them, so it was not like I felt longing for them. For most of them at least. They were as much a part of my life as if they had been right next door. My life with my family had an easy routine.
Winters with my parents in Washington, New York, Alaska or any other number of private places. Mama told me she hated snow before I was born, but once I was here it was an endless parade of snow men, snow angels and snow forts. Sledding. Dad taught me and Mama both how to skate until we could glide across the ice like a family of particularly graceful swans. Home schooling courses which Dad supervised and Mama broke up by making faces and saying that was surely enough for one day. Books, endless books, large libraries in every single house and always time for the three of us to read by a fire. How could a child not feel safe and loved being raised like this?
Fall with Alice in Paris and New York for the fashion shows. I would come back to my parents laden down with boxes and bags and hangers. Most of it I never wore but that wasn't the point. Shopping was the point, trying things on was the point. Actually buying the $400 shoes was entirely beside the point. "It's not about the kill." Alice would whisper to me with a mischievous smile. "It's about the hunt."
Where Alice was the height of fashion at any given moment, Rosalie was stylish and beautiful in a completely different way. She didn't have to try, I guess would be the way to put it. I only ever felt ugly when I was in a room with Rose. But that wasn't her fault and she loved me so much I couldn't hate her for being as beautiful as she was. She taught me nearly as much as Carlisle. Also, she bought me my first Audi. It would be very difficult for me not to adore her. I usually spent the summer with Rosalie and Emmett because there was always an adventure to be had. When I was 14, they took me along on their tour of the autobahn and when I turned 16, Emmett arranged for a safari for the three of us. Dad threatened to ground me when I got home that time, the first and only time that happened, but it was entirely worth it.
I spent the least amount of time with Jasper, which is to say I barely knew him. During the first few months of my life he was absent entirely and he was like a phantom when I was growing up, flitting in to see my parents for a few days and then flitting out again. When I was six he and Alice disappeared entirely for several years. No one would talk to me about it but by eavesdropping here and there I collected that Jasper had 'slipped' again and Alice was taking him somewhere more isolated.
Alice came back though, after a few years.
I didn't see Jasper again until I was 17.
I had been in town with Dad running errands. My parents had just purchased a beautiful lake house in a ritzy 'vacation' neighborhood. We had a stretch of shore and land that we actually owned, a few miles worth, and then basically we had no neighbors until Memorial Day anyway, so naturally Dad loved the place. But it wanted for painting and decorating and we were laden down with wallpaper samples and fabric swatches.
Why didn't Mama come with us? I thought in my head as we pulled off the main road onto the private drive.
"Because she doesn't really care what the house looks like." Dad answered with a shrug, turning to smile at me. "Just so long as we're all together in it. And remember to speak out loud, we don't want you getting any bad habits."
I made a face. Even though I had been fully grown for a decade he had a bad habit of treating me like I was a child sometimes. I knew he did it because he loved me and wanted me to have the easiest life I could, but he was also kind of a dick about it sometimes.
...No. I was just cranky, I knew it, but I felt anxious all week. It was like a itch just between my shoulders that I couldn't make go away and it was annoying the hell out of me. If something was going to happen, I wish it would just happen already. Well, I wouldn't have to wait long to get that wish.
We were getting out of the car with our burden of samples when Dad froze. He stood perfectly with his head cocked to the side.
Dad?
"Dad?" I cast a worried glance around us. No ninjas. No zombies. No Volturi. Not even a werewolf.
After a minute he shook his head as if to clear his thoughts. "Sorry." He told me apologetically. "We have a visitor."
"A bad visitor?"
"Jasper." He looked equal parts worried and confused. "Wait by the car. I'll tell you when you can come inside." He told me before going in to the house.
That wasn't being a dick about it in the least, not at all. I waited for seven minutes and four seconds before I figured if Jasper was going to kill someone, he would have by now and I wanted to get out of the humid air. I went in, not even trying to be quiet or sneaky about it (not that I really could anyway), and found them in the living room.
I had time to take in the nearly perfectly framed image of them sitting there, my parents on the couch that was facing me and Jasper with his back turned to me in the sofa across from them, their heads all bowed slightly towards each other to signify an intense conversation, before my mother looked up at me.
"Hey Nes. Did you have fun at the store?"
"Yeah, sure." I replied, nodding, trying to sound casual. "I found this cool wallpaper for my room."
"That's good baby. You remember Jasper, right?"
As I approached them, bold now with my mother's invitation to join them, Jasper stood and turned to me. It was a gesture that equal parts greeting and (I had the idea) his discomfort with sitting with a lady entered a room. I got that part from the formal and slightly expectant way he held himself.
"Of course. Hi Jasper."
"Renesmee. You look..." Adult? Opinionated? Certain old enough to not have to wait outside? "...bigger than I recall."
"Well it's kind of been awhile." Only a few sentences and we had reached an awkward point. Was I supposed to hug him? Shake his hand? Any of the other Cullen coven would have been greeted like family but Jasper was...Well it had kind of been awhile. I finally settled for sitting down on the same sofa he had occupied and smiling at him.
Sure enough, once I was sitting, he sat back down too. Now that the formalities were over, I noticed that Dad was glaring at me. We would take about it later, I knew.
"Jasper is going to be staying with us for awhile." Mama said, and I could tell that settled things between the three of them for the moment as well.
For the moment.
That night, I heard them arguing. It wasn't like I could help it, if they wanted privacy they should have gone into the woods or something. But again, we tried to act normal. I tried to return my attention to the book in my hands, but I kept reading the same paragraph over and over again. I finally abandoned my room to go outside onto the porch where I wouldn't be right next to them at least.
Jasper must have had the same notion as he was already out there, leaning against the railing. I gave him an embarrassed look as my Dad said something about the situation not being safe.
"This might not be safe, Bella. Why take the risk?"
"It might not be safe for us to leave the house, but we do that anyway. The world isn't a safe place. "
"The world isn't staying in the guest room with Nes right down the hallway."
"Jasper wouldn't hurt Nes, Edward, you're being ridiculous. You know she doesn't have enough blood to be..."
"It's not just about the blood Bella. I don't want him giving her any ideas. You know how he's been living."
I cringed when my mother swore at him in reply. "I'm sorry." I said to Jasper. "Maybe you'd like to go for a hunt? The main road dead ends and then it's just woods for miles on that one end. Lots of wildlife." My tone was aimed at being pleasant and hopeful but he shook his head.
"It doesn't bother me. They aren't saying anything that's news to me." It occurred to me that if he wanted to, he could have calmed them both to the point where they wouldn't be fighting anymore, so he must want them to keep going. Maybe it was his way of hearing what they really thought about the idea of him staying.
"No, Dad is being silly."
"He's being protective." Jasper countered. "Don't fault him for it. He is not in favor of my being here, at least not without checking with Alice to see what may happen."
"Makes sense I guess. So why is Mama so against that?"
"Alice would both want to hear news that I am alright and be heartsick to hear my name." He answered truthfully. It was nice to have someone speaking to me so frankly about what was going on around me for once.
"Why aren't you and Alice together anymore?" I pressed him. I knew it was impertinent of me, but I wanted to see how far his truthfulness extended.
"I disappointed her." He said evenly. He made an effort to put no weight behind those words. I still felt it though.
"You fed from a human."
"Among other things. It's very complicated."
"I'll understand when I'm older, right?" I said bitingly.
"No. I just don't think anyone who isn't Alice or I could understand why I chose to release her." He rewarded my sarcasm with more of his steady tone.
"Release her?" Had he...I couldn't even wrap my head around everything that implied. Maybe he had done something horrible after all.
"From taking care of me. She deserves more than that."
"Oh." I couldn't think of more to say in reply and now I felt bad for asking at all. "Um...she seems really happy."
"Good." He nodded.
We turned our attention back to the argument we completely weren't overhearing. My mother delivered the killing blow to it a few minutes later.
"Why are you so insistent that he stay with us?" my Dad implored.
"Because I know what it's like to be abandoned by the Cullens." she replied in a voice I had never, ever heard from her before. It made me want to cry. "I remember how to feels to be on the outside. So if he wants to stay, he's staying."
That was how Jasper came to reconnect with all of us, reuniting the last bits of the people I thought of as family. He wouldn't take up permanent residence with Mama and Dad, or any of the others, but it was as if he were real again, instead of a figment.
And then there was Jacob...