Gin and Kisuke Special: Soul Society's Secrets Exposed!
By dominusalthus
Chapter 1: Ichigo reveals Byakuya's Secret!
Kisuke Urahara and Ichimaru Gin were both on the shop, sitting comfortably as they were drinking some tea. Both of them now are both exiles of Soul Society, the latter being cast away after Aizen Sousuke's defeat. It was another boring after noon, and aside from scaring unwary human costumers away, there was nothing left to do so Gin asked Urahara to do something that could make their day productive.
Across them was the hero of the century, Kurosaki Ichigo, wearing a puzzled expression. He scratched his head finding a good answer for the question that the two men asked him.
"Eh..." He gulped on his tea, still having a thoughtful look which was seldom seen from him. "Secrets?"
"Hai." Ichimaru flashed a smile that was supposed to be friendly but gave the other the creeps. "'Bout Rukia-chan, perhaps?"
Ichigo felt his face heat up and his right hand jerked up to scratch his head. "Well... I have nothing... really."
"Oohh! Well then," Urahara gave him a dark grin and his behind his fan. "Maybe Kuchiki-san's secrets involves you? Busy with other things?"
"No! Of course not!" Ichigo growled at the filthy man and munched angrily on the cookies on the table. Why did he ever agree into this when he was fully aware that these two were of the same, perverted, explicit, hentai types just like his father?
Mental Note: Stay away from maniacs or you'll end up just like them.
"How about her Byakuya nii-sama?" Gin once again interrupted Ichigo's train of thoughts with his polite accent.
"Eh-" Ichigo paused. He was talking to two of the most annoying ex-shinigamis in exile, and probably, if would be really interesting if he said something about Byakuya that could be the next day's headline if Soul Society had a news paper of their own. He dug on his memory, trying to find some details with his dreaded arch-enemy.
The light bulb went on suddenly. "Byakuya! I know one of his secrets!"
"Really?" Ichimaru and Urahara leaned closer to Ichigo to open their ears. What could be the secret of a stone-faced nobility like Byakuya?
Urahara giggled like a fan girl, a sly smile forming on his face. "I bet he have other kenseikan on his body."
"Yaaa!" Gin clapped his hands and sipped from his cup. This was definitely a great way to remove boredom out of their systems. "Byakuya-taichou would surely be happy if he hears about this."
-FLASHBACK, ICHIGO'S POV-
Rukia began, eager to ask Byakuya about this highly ridiculous topic that Ukitake-san gave her for the community report in monthly shinigami news. "Nii-sama, what's the most humiliating thing that happened between you and your vice-captain?"
Byakuya paused from stamping his paper works then slowly turned his head towards his sister with a blank expression. "What kind of question is that?"
Rukia pursed her lip after being threatened by her brother, so I decided to step in. "Hey, Byakuya, come on, don't be such a baby-"
"I am not. A Baby. Kurosaki Ichigo." He said on a monotone, though I could feel the acid on it, bubbling and slowly creeping towards me. "Beings such as yourself should learn how to respect those who are higher than you."
"Well then, could you please tell us, Kuchiki-taichou?" I almost coughed when I said the 'T' word. I wasn't used to call him this (it's not like I don't respect him, but I'm just entertained every time his brow twitches when I call him by his first name). Sometimes I wonder how Renji could call him with all of his reverence. But then again, it's Renji, and probably his level of intelligence is no less than a 3 year-old dog.
"..." He threw me a glare through his peripheral, looked at Rukia's face, then back to me.
"Please, nii-sama!" Rukia bowed as the moron looked down on her as if she were a foot rest.
"Souka. I shall tell it."
"Really? Thanks nii-sama!"
"Well..." he puts down the papers and leans slightly towards us on his desk. "It was atrocious." He gave a chagrin and I was taken aback. Never did I see him react that much. Then I imagined Renji; man, so he was that horrible to actually make 'the' Byakuya grimace. I am starting to regret this whole thing, being terrified for myself. I'd reckon Rukia hesitated in continuing too, but she had to do this for the shinigami work diaries section of their news paper.
"How was it?" I continued, being slightly amused by his sudden show of emotions. "What did he do?"
"... He... Abarai Renji..." He shrugged and looked somewhat uncomfortable in remembering that fateful day. Obviously, he was having some difficulties in remaining as stone-faced. I stifled a snigger that was forming on my throat. "That bastard—he was drunk... and he insisted on working. He was actually laughing aloud inside the manor that I could hear him meters away, and then he went on scaring off the maids and some lower-ranked shinigamis."
"Then? What's catchy in that—"
"Shut up Ichigo! Don't interrupt nii-sama!" Rukia slammed one of Byakuya's book on my head to keep my silence. I obliged, since I was interested on how terrible this was for the mighty Byakuya-boy.
"..." The Kuchiki-clan leader sent us both a death glare making us shiver. Dang, this one could really give you a cold shoulder. "Moving on, I immediately dismissed him since he rakes too much that the stench fills the manor, and I had a clan meeting to go to. I believed he followed my orders so I didn't check if he really stopped besmirching this place, but then somewhere, I heard him laughing aloud again. i just ignored it since I know he'd pass out sooner or later because of alcohol."
"So you could be kind after all?"
"Keep your mouth shut if you do not have any useful talking to do, kozo." He snapped at me as he was slowly losing his cool. He looked onto his sister who gave him a shy and quiet nod. Seriously, I really wonder how psychos could communicate with one another just as effective as this. Maybe when they were left alone they'd draw portrait of each other out of love, mostly consisted of horrible enormously eared rabbits and sickly green stuff resembling ambassador veggies.
I shrugged. I had to focus to Byakuya if I didn't want to be taken away in a world of fancies. "Anyhow... I just found out what he did to cause him too much joy."
Rukia slammed a palm at her nii-sama's desk eagerly. "What's did that bastard do, nii-sama?"
"After going to the clan meeting, I uh... uhm..." He grabbed one end of his scarf and covered half of his face with it. However, my view wasn't completely obstructed, so I caught a glimpse of his face before he concealed it under the expensive piece of cloth-was it just me, or I saw Byakuya blushing?
"I sat into my chair and went on with the paperwork." He continued with his voice slightly muffled. "One of the maids called me, acknowledging a message from Yamamoto-taichou, however..." he paused and became still, and I had the impression that he didn't want to share the next things that happened. He actually tried to open his mouth more or like seven times and he just got to blurt it out with the last one.
"...I found myself... glued on my chair. I had to blast it off of me."
"N-nani?" Both of us gasped upon receiving Byakuya's revelation, although my face is in fact tainted with a wide grin. At this point I almost had the urge to hug Rukia for this wonderful idea! Byakuya actually blasted the chair out of his butt! How did he ever manage to do that!
I looked over to his face, and it was turning blue like he was not breathing at all. Maybe because he was trying to hold back the humiliation on his face, still being the mighty clan leader. What a poser he was!
My throat felt very itchy while I held onto a laugh that I'm trying to suppress, but then the look in Byakuya's face is just so... charming to be ignored.
Sorry, but…
"BWAHAHAHAHA—GLUED! CAN'T IMAGINE—RIDICULOUS—BLASTED OFF YOUR BUTT IN THE DAMN CHAIR—HAHAHAH!" Even I couldn't make sense of what I was saying and all I knew I was rolling on the floor and laughing my ass off. I could only imagine that precious expression that Byakuya had in his face the moment he knew he was stuck onto his chair. If Renji only had planned to capture the moment with a digicam, I'd entirely volunteer mine.
-END OF FLASHBACK-
"Wha' happened next?" Ichimaru opened his eyes out of curiosity, Urahara rolling on the floor and laughing aloud on the background. "How did ya ever make it alive out o' there?"
"Well," Ichigo scratched his face, shrugging. "He chased me with his Senbonzakura on Bankai. I guess he still hasn't forgiven me on that. Anyhow, Kenpachi saw me running around. He actually thought that I was playing with Byakuya so he decided to join and challenged Byakuya inside the manor. I immediately seized the chance to grab Rukia out of there and got on the Senkaimon."
"What about the journal?"
"No it wasn't published, not really. Byakuya talked—I mean scared the shit out of Ukitake-san so the topic was changed. The bastard requested that the journal should be about what a substitute shinigami does. Of course her sister happily obliged and drew freaking rabbit versions of me and everyone."
"Wooh." Urahara stood up and composed himself, holding his small notebook. "That was fascinating. I never knew Byakuya-boy could tell that to you."
"Will you publish that or something?" Ichigo's eyes glinted in anticipation. He knew that Byakuya would know right away that he was the culprit, but he didn't care since he was out here in the living world. He wouldn't waste so much time in killing him for just a trivial matter.
"We'll think about it." Ichimaru and Urahara gave each other knowing stares that only people like Kyoraku Shunsui could decode.
"Oh, okay—" Ichigo looked outside and saw there were many pink petals that caught his attention. "Cherry blossoms? When did you...?"
"Yo?" Urahara gave a pondering expression and looked outside then to Ichigo. "That's strange, we do not have Sakura trees here."
Meanwhile,
"Taichou?" Renji had just finished putting the remaining stacks of paper on the floor near Byakuya's desk, but he seemed bothered when he heard the captain sneeze for the fifth time already. "Are you alright?"
Byakuya slowly lifted his gaze from the documents and gave the vice-captain the coldest stare that he could ever muster, then gave him a dismissive nod. Apparently he still couldn't forget what this babooned face did to him years ago.
"But Why are you sneezing like hell-" Renji paused, realizing that Byakuya's eyes was still focused to him like he was a target to shoot. This was definitely Code Red. These were the times when Byakuya recounts his experiences with a drunk Renji, and it was definitely a time not to mess up with him.
Was it even the anniversary of the fateful day? Dang, Renji thought. I haven't looked on my calendar yet. As of the moment…
"I'll leave taichou! Have a nice day!"
Byakuya resorted to stamping the papers after watching Renji nervously shunpoed out of his office. So the baboon did know that he was thinking about the incident? Did he had that nauseated, repulsive look on his face that was not fit for clan leaders?
Holy shit if that's the case.
…Then he sneezed aloud again. Time to get rid of the source of his allergies.
A bunch of bastards are talking about-no, laughing at me again. No one laughs at a noble like me. Byakuya straightened on his seat and grabbed the hilt of his zanpakuto.
"Bankai." Thousand of cherry blossoms erupted from the floor where the dropped Senbonsakura. The shiny orbs flew outside the manor, already had their target acquired. At content, he sniffed and continued what he was supposed to do with a twitch of an evil grin on his face.
Next chapter: Ikkaku and Yumichika reveal Kenpachi's secrets!
Author's Notes: I just tried the crack genre. Tell me what you think.
XD
Anyhow, I'll be uploading the other chapters of my other stories as well, so keep posted. ^^