Salazar's Kitchen

A/N: Based on a tumblr post by 'electric-prince'. This one here;

"OK BUT I SWEAR TO GOD I COULD SEE DRACO GROWING UP TO BE GORDON RAMSAY LIKE NO JOKE.

"THIS QUICHE LOOKS LIKE VOLDEMORTS ASS. I WOULD KNOW."

"SO MUCH GINGER IN IT, IT COULD BE A WEASLEY"

"THE BOY-WHO-LIVED? MORE LIKE THE-BOY-WHO-CAN'T-BLOODY-FUCKING-COOK"

Harry felt incredibly old because tonight the entire family were going out for his youngest son, Albus's 17th birthday dinner. Albus had been insistent that they go to Amour Bouffe, a restaurant which Harry generally avoided because it was owned by Draco Malfoy, and he was also the head chef there.

However, Scorpius Malfoy was also 17 and he happened to be Albus's best friend. They were both in Slytherin, and they had been friends since they were 11 years old. Harry had seen Draco in the passing a few times, but he still didn't trust the man not to spit in his food if he dined in his restaurant. Albus had apparently spoken to Scorpius, and Draco had promised to be on his best behaviour, not that his word meant much to Harry.

Albus's birthday was on the 1st of January. It made dining out difficult because most places were pretty fully booked on New Year's Day. Ginny had made this reservation months ago however, upon Albus's insistence. He was home from Hogwarts, and so was his younger sister Lily. James had left school and was training as an Auror, but Albus was still in his 7th year and he was also Head Boy. His best friend Scorpius, was the captain of the Quidditch team. Together they effectively ruled Slytherin. Lily Luna was the youngest, she was in 5th year and she was a Gryffindor, but her brother had never made her feel excluded because of that. Albus was the odd one out in the family, because James had been a Gryffindor too.

Ginny hooked her arm through Harry's and they headed downstairs where the three children were waiting for them. James was leaning in the doorway, he was the tallest of the children. He had Harry's dark hair, but his Mothers hazel eyes. Albus was Harry's carbon copy from his messy dark hair to his emerald green eyes. Lily was the only redhead, her hair was a beautiful shade of auburn and her hazel eyes made her look all the more like her Mother.

The family floo-ed to the restaurant and waited to be shown to their seats.

"This is pretty swish," James said as he looked around the restaurant.

"It's a bit too white for my liking," Harry said. The walls were white, the floor was white, the tables were white, "It reminds me of a hospital."

Ginny rolled her eyes, "You'll say anything bad about this place because of the fact that Malfoy owns it. White is trendy at the moment, Harry."

"It still looks like a hospital," Harry muttered.

Albus shot his brother an amused look, they were determined to make their Father like the restaurant by the end of the evening. A polite waiter showed them to their table, which was a very nice table. It was close to the kitchens and they had a lovely view out over Diagon Alley.

"Bit less like a hospital now Daddy? Lily asked with a triumphant smile.

Harry tried not to roll his eyes, "Slightly," he said as they were given menus.

They ordered wine for themselves and James, and soft drinks for Albus and Lily. Albus could drink now that he was 17, but he had said that he didn't want to. Their drinks arrived, and they ordered starters. Harry would not admit it, but the food was actually very good, as was the wine. He got to his feet before the main arrived, claiming that he needed to go to the toilet, but in all seriousness, he was just being nosy. He slipped down the hallway to the toilet, but paused in the doorway to the kitchen when he saw Draco Malfoy milling around.

The chef whites suited him in an odd way. Harry would have thought that white would have washed him out, but he looked very professional as he commanded that kitchen. Harry found himself being drawn in as he watched Malfoy walk around, tasting food from pots and making faces as he did so. When he wasn't happy about something, he made it very clear.

"Fucking hell Abrahams!" Draco said, throwing a spoon into the sink aggressively, "There's so much ginger in that bloody stew it could be a fucking Weasley!"

Abrahams grabbed the pot with both hands, "I'll start again chef, sorry chef!"

"Yes, do!" Malfoy snapped.

Harry had to hide his amused grin as Malfoy walked over to another chef and gave a row full of quiches a good inspection. When he reached the last plate he scoffed, "Which idiot made this one?"

"Me chef."

"Williams, are you fucking blind! That quiche looks like Voldemort's fucking arse!"

Harry nearly choked on the laughter he was trying to hold in.

"You'd know chef," Williams said irritably, "You kissed it often enough!"

"Well done Williams, you just lost your job. Get the fuck out of my kitchen. Jacobs, make me another quiche and if it looks like an ass you better kiss mine to keep your fucking job!"

"Yes chef!"

Malfoy shook his head in disbelief and stepped to another area of the kitchen where gourmet steak sandwiches were being prepared, "What the fuck is this Smith?"

"A steak sandwich chef."

"That's not a steak fucking sandwich! There's no steak in it you imbecile!"

"Sorry chef, I'll fix that chef."

Draco rolled his eyes and grabbed the empty baguette. He ripped it in half and placed a piece of bread on either side of the man, Jacobs, face, "What the fuck are you Jacobs?"

"An idiot sandwich chef."

"Too right you are. Make another one."

"Yes chef."

Harry hadn't actually needed the toilet when he left the restaurant. But he was laughing so much that he really did now. Malfoy was a brutal chef, but his workers clearly respected him for the most part and were used to the way that he worked. This restaurant had 5 stars and it had amazing food, but clearly a tough love approach was used to garner that success.

Draco groaned in frustration, "Bloody New Year's Day and I'm stuck in this kitchen with you idiots when I should be at home watching shit films with my son while my wife gets drunk on red wine and reminisces about the good old days when I used to screw her."

The workers in the kitchen laughed, and Harry could tell that he had a good relationship with them, despite all of the shouting, and the insults. Maybe he insulted the people he liked, maybe him and Harry had been friends all along without Harry realising. He snorted at the idea.

"Oh for Salazar's sake Robertson! Is this meant to be ready to go out?" Malfoy asked as he picked up a piece of beef.

"Yes chef."

"You can't fucking serve that! It's so rare it could be a fucking inferi!" Malfoy shouted as he tossed the bit of beef into the bin, "Make another one, now!"

"Yes chef."

Harry was going to burst if he didn't go to the toilet soon, but this was priceless. It was top quality entertainment, Merlin, Harry couldn't help but think that Malfoy should open another kitchen with an open restaurant.

"Ugh Lawson!" Malfoy said as he chewed on a piece of chicken, "Have you seasoned this meat?"

"Yes chef."

"Well you clearly haven't done enough! It's so bland even a bloody Thestral wouldn't eat it! Thyme, marjoram and sage for fucks sake!"

"Yes chef, sorry chef."

"Abrahams! Are these haggis bolls going to table 4?" Malfoy asked, and Harry started slightly. That was his table, and Albus had ordered the haggis bolls.

"Yes chef."

"Not like that they aren't," Malfoy snapped, "I would rather eat dragon shit than put one of those in my mouth. I am not serving them to my sons boyfriend!"

"Yes chef."

Harry was startled by that. He knew Scorpius was Albus's best friend, and he also knew that Al had never had a girlfriend. But boyfriend? Scorpius was his boyfriend? Why had Al not told him that?

"Why are there no chunks of pumpkin in this pumpkin soup you fuckwit?"

Harry glanced up to see Malfoy berating someone else, "We ran out of pumpkin chef."

"You ran out? There's a fucking store-room behind you, you bloody moron!" Malfoy exclaimed, "I'll get you the bloody pumpkin and I'll shove it up your fucking arse! Would you like or whole or diced?"

The man he was berating took it well, "Diced chef, think it might be a bit less painful."

Malfoy actually smirked at that response, "Don't be a smart arse Davidson," he said, turning around to the doorway where Harry was standing.

Harry jumped a little about being spotted, "Uh sorry Malfoy. I was going to the toilet and I heard you and I was...intrigued."

Malfoy raised an eyebrow at Harry and slipped past him to enter the storeroom across the corridor, "Intrigued by what, Potter?" he asked as he re-emerged with a large pumpkin.

"Your method of commanding a kitchen," Harry admitted, "It's effective."

"I know it is," Draco said, throwing the pumpkin at Davidson and dicing it with magic as it flew through the air.

"Thank you for not shoving it up my arse chef."

Malfoy smirked, "I don't think tables 5 and 6 want pumpkin arse soup Davidson. Shut the fuck up and cook."

"Yes chef."

Harry shook his head in amusement, "Sorry, I'll just be going now..."

Malfoy's smirk grew more mischievous, "No Potter, since you are here let's see how well you can cook."

Harry frowned in alarm, "Oh no, I'm not a good...cooking is not...I just don't do it very often," he tried to object as Malfoy frog marched him into the kitchen and stopped him in front of a work surface.

"Uh, what do you want me to do?" Harry asked awkwardly.

"Surely even you can make vegetable soup, Potter."

Harry rather awkwardly cut all of the vegetables and put them in the pot. The issue came when he poured in chicken stock, rather than vegetable stock.

"Chicken stock? Fucking hell Potter! You don't want to feed chicken fat to a fucking vegetarian! I can't believe they call you boy-who-lived, more like the boy-who-can't-bloody-fucking-cook!" Malfoy exclaimed, "Get out of my kitchen!"

"Gladly," Harry, reaching the doorway and looking back at Malfoy in amusement.

The blonde man grinned, "Enjoy the rest of your meal Potter. I've put treacle tart on as a special, I even stole the Hogwarts elves recipe for you."

Harry grinned back, not entirely sure why, "Thanks Malfoy."

Malfoy gave him a brief nod and then caught something out of the corner of his eye, "FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN, MORGANA AND FUCKING UTHER YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER IDIOT! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO SET THE ALCOHOL ALIGHT NOT THE WHOLE FUCKING CRÈME BRULEE!"

Harry slipped out of the kitchen, unable to stop himself from laughing. When he eventually got back to the table his family gave him odd looks, but he just shook his head in amusement, unable to tell them why he was acting so strangely.

Their main courses were brought out, and Harry finally managed to control himself, "I stopped to observe Malfoy in the kitchen. He seems to command his kitchen by abusing his staff, but they don't mind. It was hilarious, someone should give that man a radio show."

Albus grinned at James, and his older brother winked. Their plan had worked because their Father was actually enjoying his evening now. However, there had been a slight hiccup in that plan.

"So Albus," Harry said conversationally after they had finished their main courses and ordered their desserts.

"Yes?" Albus asked cautiously, he was wary of the look in his Dad's eye.

"When we you planning on telling your Mother and I that you were dating Scorpius Malfoy?"

Albus's eyes widened, and Lily grinned, "I knew it!"

James just snorted, "I suspected it."

Ginny raised an eyebrow at Harry, "How did you come by this information?"

"Malfoy told me, inadvertently," Harry said, amusement shining in his eyes, "When did it start?"

Albus sighed, realising he had been well and truly caught, "A couple of months ago. Scorpius's Dad only knows because Professor Longbottom caught us in a broom cupboard and then got drunk after the Halloween feast and told him."

Harry snorted, the idea of Neville spilling secrets while drunk was not unbelievable. In fact, many a secret had been leaked in just that manner, "And why didn't you tell me?"

"Because you hate his Dad! It was hard enough getting you to come here tonight!" Albus exclaimed.

"Now that is true, but I am having a fantastic time," Harry said honestly, "And if nothing else Draco Malfoy has a wicked sense of humour, and a talent for cooking very good food. He even put treacle tart on the menu for me, so I'm warming to him. And I love Scorpius, I've known him since he was 11, I'm really happy for you Al."

Albus breathed a sigh of relief, "Thanks Dad,"

Ginny smiled slightly and gripped her son's hand, "You should have told us Al, we would have invited him tonight."

Albus's smile widened and he looked generally relaxed as their desserts arrived. Harry had to hide his amused grin when he noticed a small note sticking out from beneath his plate. The handwriting had to be Malfoys because nobody else wrote in such a neat, girly way.

"Sorry for outing your son. I didn't see you spying on me, but I should have known that you were. It does seem to be a habit of yours.

P.S - Stick to the day job Potter, you really can't cook."

THE END! :)

A/N: I laughed so hard when I read this out loud to my Husband after I had written it. I haven't had so much fun writing a fanfic in years!