"And what did daddy say when you ran off and joined the Pagans?"
Gabriel blinked once before answering, giving himself time to swallow down the taste of regret and age old memories threatening to overspill and choke him. "Daddy doesn't say anything about anything," was the quickest and safest lie that leaped from his tongue. Loyalty and unshakeable belief. That was what he had been taught and that was how he was going to protect his father. Dean and Sam would probably flippantly point out that God seemed to have stopped caring so why should poor, misunderstood Gabe stand fast by his upright morals, the same morals that made him lose his brother Lucifer; however, inexplicably, quite beyond the edge of reason, he still had faith in his old man. He still remembered, however.
Gabriel had never spent his younger years rebelling unlike Lucifer. Ages ago (so long ago that he could no longer remember his father's voice, or bring back the surge of affection he had felt in his presence) he'd been Daddy's Golden Boy, gifted with a gold heart, sharp wit, compassion and steadfastness; all values which quickly gleaned respect in his father's eyes and sly jealousy among his other brothers and sisters. The third time Lucifer clipped his wings in his sleep was the time he realized that maybe, just maybe, not even Heaven was the place where all round goodness and perfection were rewarded with gentleness and kindness, despite his father's preaching. That was the time when Gabriel realized that something needed to be done to evacuate himself from the lies, rivalry and backstabbing that went on in his own family. That was the time when Gabriel decided to win his own ground back and play Lucifer, and everybody who saw him as a little goodie two shoes, and the sacrificial lamb who deserved the prize place on a dinner table with some sprigs or rosemary, tit for tat. And after the first few successful pranks that made a laughing stock out of his elder brother and brought him down a few notches from the sky high perch he sat on, Gabriel saw a future in this business.
With time Gabriel secured himself the position of a reliable prankster among the old pagan gods who took him under their wing faster than you could say the Lord's Prayer. He felt sneers crash against his back like waves breaking against surf as he walked through Heaven now. But the tide had turned, he felt. He had people (friends even) on his side, as well as their respect and affection, so the base whisperings and mutterings deflected off him. They deflected off him all the way up to when he arrived at the great oak door to his father's rooms on the day he decided to announce his plans to God. Lifting his arm, Gabriel placed his palm gently against the coarse wood, ran the speech he'd lain awake at nights for through his mind one more time, and knocked.
"Hmm," the weary, time worn and almost unbearably wise eyes fixed upon Gabriel's face. Those majestic eyes that had seen the birth of time and death had the power to make him feel smaller than a speck of dust floating around the universe; however, this time Gabriel came prepared.
"Father," he started quietly, his voice growing stronger as he spoke. "You know how you have always instructed me to find my own path without straying from your lessons, to hold my head up high in the face of spite and petty malice, to remain strong, gain good friends and earn their appreciation, yes? Well…" the words nearly leaping from his mouth, tumbling out, one after the other, "I would like to ask for your permission and blessing to allow me to go out in the world now that I have made friends and they wish me to join them in their adventur-"
"Who?"
"Well… you know – Thor, Isis, Zeus, Shiv-"
"No."
Gabriel stared dumbstruck. "Father, I…I don't think you understand…" he choked out.
"I do, son. And it is in my, and your, best interests to avoid mingling with that crowd. They are a bad influence and I do not want my son to be known as the deserter who left Heaven to frolic around on Earth with that immoral, debased and debauched scum." God's voice rose and rumbled around them until the great room shook. "Tell me, why else would humanity have turned away from them?"
"Father, please… If I could only explain." Gabriel's eyes swam with trembling tears. "Please, please just listen to me," but it was like no more useful than using a toothpick to tear down a mountain. "No, boy, I have no more time for your idle chatter… unlike some people who want to run around having adventures, I have a universe to manage," and with that God turned himself back to the tomes of parchment in front of him.
Gabriel had never expected this turn of events. All his life he'd been reassured by the knowledge that when he grew old enough to make his own choices, his father would stand aside and feel paternal pride for his fully fledged son, ready to take on the world. And now when the only plan he had for the future had been cruelly dashed in front of his fearful eyes and the only person he thought he could rely on turned his back on Gabriel's wishes, he could no longer hold himself back.
"NO, FATHER. LISTEN TO ME," Gabriel roared, the rush of adrenalin surging through his veins making his voice resonate like thunder. "I HAVE STOOD HERE, NEXT TO YOU, OBEYING YOUR EVERY ORDER, THROUGH ALL THE HATE AND BLOWS HUMANITY HAS DEALT YOU, TENDED OUR WOUNDED SOLDIERS AND PROVIDED COMFORT TO ANGELS WILLING TO LOSE THEIR GRACE, AND NOW WHEN I MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS, MY OWN CHOICES FOR THE FIRST TIME. YOU. REFUSE. TO. LISTEN."
"Do you plan to defy me, son? Do you wish to be cast out of heaven; a graceless, pitiful angel with no wings, no powers, no family? Because I can do that, as well as you know, and the fact that you are my son does not change matters in the least. Not even your newfound friends will be able to save you then. Don't go down the same road Lucifer is going."
"Dad," Gabriel sobbed, "I don't, of course I don't, but… if only you p-PAID A FRACTION OF ATTENTION TO ME AS TO THOSE WEAK HUMANS WHOSE MESSES YOU SPEND YOUR LIFE CLEANING UP." Tears freely coursed down his cheeks at the indignation and hurt, his lungs and throat burning.
"WHICH IS WHY I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE REMAINDER OF MY LIFE CLEANING UP YOUR MESSES TOO." God took a deep breath and rubbed his eyes wearily. "Son, you've made me proud. You've been a brave soldier, a loyal angel and, above all, a good son. Don't disappoint me now. Don't be the second son to grieve me like this. Lucif-"
"I'm not Lucifer, father," Gabriel snapped. "I thought you knew that. I was never like him, and never will be. But I can't… I won't, spend my life shackled up here." He stood breathing hard for a while. "The Pagans understand me. They listen to me. Do you have any idea how much that means to me, father?"
"You think anyone listens to me? When do you think is the last time I have opened up to a single celestial being? The burdens I carry are too great for any mind, no matter how powerful, to even begin comprehending, but do you see me complaining? No, you don't. Because I know my responsibilities and my duties and I FOLLOW THEM, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE."
"Fine. You leave me no choice, I'm done here. Done. I have never known what it's like to do something on my own, or what it's like to have friends, so blessing or no-"
"Gabriel, don't even think of walking out on me. Don't try me or I promise you will regret this, young angel. I'm warning you to change your attitude. Lucifer said the same words to me and it's a matter of time until he-"
"You know what, father? Do yourself a bloody big favour then and cast us both out. Heaven will doubtlessly be a much nicer place and you'll get the peace of mind you so clearly wish for. Who knows, maybe you'll even have enough time on your hands to have that heart to fucking heart."
"AS YOU WISH, I JUST MIGHT THEN. ALL THE WAY DOWN TO HELL, SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT THERE, ROASTING SLOWLY IN THE ETERNAL FIRES, YOU… YOU INSUFFERABLE FOOL."
"This is precisely why I'd leave. No deity among my friends would ever speak to me like this. I've been backstabbed, made a fool of, hurt and betrayed here more than I could ever bear, yet I did. For you, dad. But, clearly, that is nothing to you. It makes no difference to you that I'm an individual…"
"YOU'RE NOT AN INDIVIDUAL, DAMN IT. YOU'RE A SOLDIER."
Gabriel turned, knocking over a small, paper covered table and ran out of the room, seeing blurred and shocked figured huddled outside the door and lining the sides of the hallway. He was shivering violently, and bile was coating the inside of his mouth, but whether it was from fear, rage or disgust he could not tell. His mind in a whirl, strands of thought dizzyingly spinning before his eyes, he crashed into walls until he found his room where he flung himself on the bed and curled into a tight ball, shoulders heaving.
A gentle rustling scratched somewhere by his ear but he was lost too far in the depths and grasp of his feelings, so it was only when a warm, tiny figure butted against his shoulder that he pulled himself together enough to look up. A scruffy but cute kid angel was thumping his head against Gabriel's shoulder gesturing him to raise his arm. "Cas, what do you want, you silly thing…" he asked wearily, but the little angel ignored his question and steadily continued slamming his forehead into Gabriel. His tiny face, streaked with dust was fixed in such a frown of determination and concentration that Gabriel relented and moved his arm slightly, and in that instant, quick as a lightning bolt, Castiel climbed under it and curled up against Gabriel, who saw too late that Cas had brought with him the centuries old battered teddy Cas never let out of his sight; the same teddy that was missing both eyes, an arm and an ear, and had already covered them both in sawdust running out from a hole in its stomach. But there was something so tender and vulnerable about the kid staring up at him with those gigantic, soulful eyes that all Gabriel could do was to ruffle his head and embrace the kid tightly. "Gabe, I love you as much as I love Buttons," Cas whispered. "Who is Buttons?" Gabe inquired somewhat nonplussed but touched. "My teddy, of course, silly," Castiel answered, ignoring the fact that whatever buttons once may have been attached to him had gone missing long, long ago.
Gabriel could only stare at the warm bundle lying in his arms as a heady warmth coated his insides, and the rage and hate melted away like ice in the spring sunshine. Cas's fluffy winglets fluttered with every breath he took and grew slower and slower, until the kid's head thumped against Gabriel's elbow and rested there, fast asleep. Gabriel kissed the little angel's forehead and laid down his own tired head, feeling the pent up muscles within him relent and smoothen out. The Pagans could wait until Cas stopped needing his care and guidance, was Gabriel's last thought before sleep hit him like a battalion of angels. The Pagans will wait…