Chapter 1
It had been a long night at Grey-Sloan Memorial Hospital. At 9:06 P.M. ambulances had begun rolling in, filled with victims of a fifteen car pile-up in the heart of Seattle. Of the twenty two victims, only eight survived.
Amelia Shepherd tore her mask off as she stormed out of the OR. Her fifteen year old patient hadn't made it. Time of death: 1:56 A.M.
She scrubbed out, eyes bloodshot, ignoring the sorrowful glances of the nurses and anesthesiologist as they walked by. Someone held the door open for her; she grunted a thank you without looking to see who was there.
The panicked bustle of the ER had dissipated; the patients from the wreck were either stable and admitted to a room, or dead. A few beds had unrelated patients in them, with nurses taking vitals and noting symptoms. Dr. Kepner sat behind the nurses' station with two residents, looking exhausted. Amelia nodded to her as she entered, walking up to the station to check if she needed to see anyone.
"You can go home, Amy. I think we have it covered," April sighed, not bothering to look up at her.
Amelia shook her head, "I'm on call until 8. I'll be in my office."
She didn't stay to see if April said anything else, turning on her heel and briskly making her way to the elevators. Most of the other doctors would sleep when they were on call late, but Amy couldn't. Not today. She could never sleep after a particularly bad surgery; she felt like she should have been able to save that kid. He would plague her dreams if she closed her eyes now.
The elevator dinged; she didn't even remember getting in when the doors opened on the floor of her office. She walked out, counting the steps into the neuro office. She paced, rubbing her eyes. After a few moments she stopped, turning to her board. She hung up the boy's scans and stared at them, studying again the brain that she had just cut in to.
At 3 o'clock, Amelia left her office in search of cleaning supplies. She needed something to do with her hands.
She pushed open the door to the supply closet, reviewing the boy's scans in her head. She recounted the steps she took, from the first cut she made. She was so lost in thought that she didn't hear the suppressed sound of sobbing until she already had two bottles of cleaner and a stack of rags in her hands.
Poking her head around the shelves, her eyes widened.
"Arizona?" She said softly. The woman was leaned against the wall, face in her hands. At the sound of Amelia's voice, she jumped. Trying in vain to wipe the evidence from her face, she looked at Amelia's feet.
"Hey, Shepherd." She said weakly. Amy took a step towards her.
"Mind if I sit?" she asked, setting her loot on the nearest shelf.
"Um, I was just about to leave, but…"
"Sure you were," she jabbed playfully. Arizona's smile didn't go any further than her lips, but she scooted over to make room for Amy still.
"I'm sure this looks positively pathetic," Arizona laughed sardonically.
Amelia shook her head, "I've been there. Absolutely no judgement here." Only then did Amy notice the half-empty bottle of wine sitting next to Arizona, accompanied by an occasional hiccup from the blonde. Amy smiled sadly, understanding. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"I don't know," Arizona breathed, leaning her head back and looking at the ceiling. She blinked back fresh tears. "I feel pathetic. I should be beyond this by now, you know?" Amy nodded, encouraging her to go on. "Like, these things just keep building up and they're crushing me. I don't know where to go."
Amelia nodded slowly, looking at the other woman out of the corner of her eye. She began slowly "I know that we haven't really been close in the past, but if you need to, um, unload some of those things, I'm here to listen."
Arizona looked at her, giving her a sad, tearful smile. "I'm sorry, Amy. I'm sorry that life just sucks sometimes."
For some reason, hearing it said like that, that things "just suck sometimes," took a weight off of Amy's chest. She looked hard at Arizona, knitting her eyebrows together as she thought. "Come on, Robbins," she said decidedly, standing and holding a hand out to her newfound comrade, "let me give you a ride home."
Arizona hesitated before taking the offered hand and allowing herself to be pulled up. She stuffed her half-bottle of wine in her purse as she followed Dr. Shepherd out of the supply closet and towards the staff exit.
Amelia checked to make sure her pager was on loud as they got in the car. Sitting in the driver's seat, she watched with mild amusement as Arizona drunkenly plopped down beside her, wavering for a moment before securing her seat belt. "You doin' okay over there, soldier?" Amy joked. Arizona giggled and nodded, giving her a thumbs up.
"Thanks for this, Shepherd," she said, her voice more sober than her body.
"Of course. I know you'd do the same."
They sat in silence as Amy pulled out of the parking lot, Arizona staring out the passenger window.
Amelia broke the silence to ask where Arizona lived.
"In Meredith's house. Old house, I mean. It was Karev's, but…"
"I know," Amy said as Arizona's voice trailed off, "I know where that is. Are you staying with Mer then?"
Arizona shook her head before she remembered that Amy wasn't looking at her. "No. I'm just staying until I can figure something else out. I just haven't really had the time to go apartment shopping."
"Yeah, Meredith offered to let me stay there too. I dunno, it just feels weird, living with her without…"
Arizona nodded, this time catching Amy's eye. She understood.
"Yeah, ever since the divorce, I just…" Arizona sighed, "I don't know how to get my feet on solid ground, you know?"
Amy nodded, glancing at Arizona's profile briefly; her eyes were glistening with tears. "Is that what you've been upset about?"
"Partially," Arizona admitted with a shrug, "it's been hard I guess. For the first few months I just didn't let myself slow down to think about it. I mean, I couldn't, with my fellowship and everything. But now it just feels like it's weighing down so hard on me. And Sofia is asking questions that I don't know how to answer. And now Herman is blind and – don't get me wrong, I appreciate what you did so much, more than you could ever imagine – but I feel like I've lost this incredible mentor, even if she made me feel like crap. And now Karev and Jo have their own place and as pathetic as it sounds, I just feel like I'm being left behind."
Amelia swallowed, letting Arizona's words sink in. Words that she could identify with so much.
"I feel left behind," Arizona repeated, though this time for herself – a revelation.
"I get that," Amy said as she pulled in to the driveway. "I feel the same way, with Meredith selling the house and everything."
"Like everyone is making choices for you."
"Exactly. Like I have no say in my life," Amy confirmed.
The two women succumbed to a comfortable, yet meaningful silence yet again.
This time Arizona broke it. "God, we're too old for this."
Amelia laughed, a melodic sound that brought a smile to Arizona's face. "Aren't we though?" Amy said.
Arizona sighed, reaching for the door handle, "Well, thank you so much for this Dr. Shepherd." She smiled at the other woman as she pushed the door open and stepped out, only slightly stumbling before getting her bearings.
"It was my pleasure, Dr. Robbins," Amy smirked, giving the woman an exaggerated salute. Arizona laughed as she shut the door and walked away from the car. Amy watched as the surgeon fumbled with the lock on the front door, laughing to herself until Arizona came out victorious. The woman stumbled into the house, closing the door behind her.
Amelia watched where Arizona's figure had just been for a moment before putting her car in reverse and heading back to the hospital.