The Reason

By Vinkunwildflowerqueen

AN. Because sometimes you hear a song, and think- why the hell is there no Fiyeraba story to this yet? Song is 'the reason' by Hoobastank.

Dear Elphaba,

I never claimed to be perfect. Oz knows my reputation more than speaks for itself. And like every person, I have regrets. Probably more than the average person, actually. Stupid pranks I shouldn't have played, tests I should have studied for, girls I shouldn't have slept with… or at least learned their names first.

But my biggest regret is pretty much any time I spent with you.

It's been six months, two weeks and four days since Galinda- sorry, Glinda, returned to Shiz from the Emerald City and told me what happened with you and the Wizard. And to be honest, in that time, Glinda hasn't been great. She's still Glinda, popular, bubbly, sweet and a little blonde at times… but she's also worried for her best friend.

The Gale force have been searching for you ever since you first fled the city, but they haven't found you. Which is surprising when you think about it, I mean, how hard is it to find the only person in Oz with green skin?

Glinda's also been promised a job with the Wizard once she finishes Shiz and she's excited about that, despite knowing the truth about the Wizard. She says the alternative is being like you- a fugitive, but I think the real draw is the prospect of thousands of Ozians cheering her name.

But where was I? Oh, yes my regrets… considering the relatively short time I knew you, it's a surprisingly long list. I regret that joke I made about your skin when we first met. Staring at you when you entered the OzDust in that hideodeous hat… not kissing you in the clearing when we freed the Lion Cub. And not having the guts to say anything more than "Good luck" to you when you was leaving for the Emerald City.

I wish now I had.

I know it's wrong of me, to be still dating Glinda and playing the part of the dutiful and loving boyfriend when my thoughts are always with you, but I do care for her and she just lost her best friend. I've been a jerk in the past, but I'm not going to abandon her.

More than anything, I wish I could talk to you and tell you what exactly has happened in the past six months, two weeks and four days. There's a lot of talk on campus about how much I've changed- and beyond the campus too.

My parents are thrilled, my teachers are surprised, and most of my fellow students seem rather disappointed that the scandalacious Fiyero Tiggular has stopped "Dancing through Life" and has actually been seen to crack a book open. Glinda is confusified by it all, she doesn't really know what's brought it on, but is accepting my story that if I do well at school, when we graduate I can join the Gale force and look for you myself if they haven't found you by then, and I can reassure myself, Glinda and Nessa that she's alright. Truthfully, I don't think they will find you. They don't know you and you're far smarter than they are.

Glinda thinks its sweet, but I don't think she would if she knew my real reasons- my real feelings. I do want to join the Gale force and find you, but not just for peace of mind that you're okay. I need you to know these things, how you've changed me without even being here.

So, if I could talk to you, here and now, what would I say?

Elphaba… I'm sorry for almost knocking you over in my carriage that first day we met. Despite the fact I was asleep and not personally driving the carriage, I should have made Avaric apologise to you and made sure you were alright.

I should have kissed you that day with the Lion Cub, and I'm sorry for panicking and running off. The truth is… it freaked me out a little that you saw right through my 'dancing through life' act and saw how unhappy I really am. And it freaked me out even more when I fell completely in love with you because you did see it.

I didn't know you that long before you left, but I think you are an incredibly brave person for what you did. I know how much you believed in the Wizard and wanted to meet him. I'm sorry he wasn't what you thought he was.

I wish you could see me now- you wouldn't believe your eyes. I'm actually studying and doing relatively well. I've stopped partying and started using the brain my parents and teachers kept insisting I had. And it's all because of you.

I found a reason to change who I used to be. You're that reason, Elphaba. Partly because I want to find you, so that I'll know you are safe; but also because you think I'm "not really stupid." That's a surprisingly large vote of confidence in my favour, which I'm not used to getting.

Every day, I replay that scene with the Lion Cub in my head, wondering if when I pulled away from kissing you at the last moment, did I hurt your feelings? Did you know that because I felt so… guilty and confusified, I went straight to Galinda (as she was still then) and made myself play the happy boyfriend, even though I was thinking of you the whole time.

Did you know that I almost said so much more at the train station? But then Glinda was there, changing her name… and I lost my nerve. So now I have to live with that, every day, wondering every day how things might have been different.

I wonder what you're going through now… where you are, what you're doing. Are you hurt? Scared? Lonely? Hungry? Are you getting enough food or sleep? We hear so many stories here at school, you can't be sure what rumours are true. I wish I could be there with you, and help you. You must be feeling so hurt and betrayed- not just by the Wizard, but even by Glinda, who was so swayed by the temptation of her ambition she was willing to stand by and help cover up the truth.

I wonder if you're sad. Nessa says that you don't cry, you never have, but I think maybe you just don't show that side to Nessa. Everybody cries sometimes. I'm not ashamed to admit I've cried for you once or twice since you've been gone, wondering what is going to happen to you now or when Glinda's been so distraught, there's nothing I can do except fight back tears of my own as I wipe hers away and wishing I was wiping away yours.

It's funny, sort of, that this new behaviour that has everyone talking is what you saw immediately when I was trying so hard to hide it. And then suddenly, I'm bringing it out and people don't believe it. I wish you could know me now.

I'm a much better person, now. Or at least, better than I was. But I am working on being a better person. You have no idea how much you've inspired me, Elphaba… standing up for what you believe in even though the consequences have you on the run, being Oz knows where and doing Oz knows what.

I miss you. I barely knew you, but I miss you. I think of you constantly, and dream of you just as much. Sometimes you just show up, and it's like the past six months never happened and you still believe the Wizard will make Oz a better place. I like these dreams, because I can gently break things off with Glinda, and be with you. Glinda always gives her blessing for her ex-boyfriend to date her best friend, and I slowly convince you I was right what I told you that day when you entered Dillamond's classroom all Galindafied- you don't need to do that, because you're beautiful just the way you are.

Some dreams we're back in the clearing with the Lion Cub and I finally do what I should have done, and I don't chicken out and I kiss you. That gets a little messy because I am still technically dating Glinda in those dreams, but they all work out in the end.

Some nights in my dreams, I find you. It's never too specific how I find you, but I turn around or walk into the room, and there you are. I don't know what happens after I find you, and frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. All I know is you're there with me, and I can say all these words to you in person and hear you admit you love me too. Those are maybe my favourite dreams, because I'm allowed to wake up with a faint hope that one day it might become reality- that this may be the day I find you.

The dreams I don't like are the ones I find you but it's too late. Sometimes I stumble across your body somewhere. You might have been shot by the Gale force, or you've frozen to death or starved to death because you're on the run and no one will help you. Sometimes the Gale force finds you before I do, and they arrest you and march you back into the Emerald City before the Wizard to receive justice for the crimes they're accusing you of. Sometimes he merely imprisons you for life, which is the better alternative because I can play the "Winkie prince" card and get in to visit you. But sometimes he sentences you to death. No matter what, all of Oz is celebrating your capture, that the Wicked Witch of the West has been caught. If you're sentenced to death, they gather to watch in the Emerald City as though it's a sport or a game.

In these dreams, when I have to watch you be burnt at the stake or shot to death, Nessa is right. You don't cry, you won't give the Wizard that satisfaction. You hold your head high and your eyes gleam defiantly until suddenly the light of life is gone. These are the dreams I wake up in a cold sweat and I can't go back to sleep, because I know- just like the dreams where I find you alive and safe- these dreams also have a chance of becoming reality.

But I will find you… one day. I have to find you… because you need to know that I have changed. And I did it for you. One day, Elphaba Thropp, I'll get to tell you these things in person.

Until then, stay strong.

All my love,

Fiyero.