Youko Kurama Teaches Science

by dazai-san

Or really, it's the computer doing all the teaching. In which Kurama is too lazy to do his science project himself, and he shoves it on his friends to do the research. Warnings: Crack. Breaking the fourth wall. Hilarity in general. Possible OOC.

a/n: This was written for a science project a while ago, but it's still funny as hell.

Warnings: Breaking the fourth wall, hilarity in general.

[Youko] Kurama teaches Science

"Youko has returned, they cry," Kurama declares as he steps into his bedroom dramatically, smiling a feral grin.

Hiei is unimpressed, sitting at the windowsill. "If you must quote yourself, at least quote from the Japanese version of Yu-Yu Hakusho, not the dub! Most fans appreciate the sub more, you know."

"And you really had to change into Youko?" Yusuke adds, his eyes glued to the TV screen as he kicks Kuwabara's butt in the game again.

Kurama, slightly disappointed at the lack of awe from his friends, sighs and shrugs. "The author wanted me to be Youko, so here I am."

"Here you are, breaking the fourth wall," Kuwabara says dryly, groaning when he loses again.

"I just realized that I'm the last to break it," Yusuke comments, leaning back while grinning. "So, what did you call us here for, Kurama?"

He brightens up immediately. "I need your help for a science project. Research, you know?"

Yusuke and Kuwabara collectively groan. Hiei just snorts and turns the other way, looking out the window.

"You're asking us, people who deal with the supernatural, to help you with a science project?" Kuwabara asks incredulously. "Urameshi and I cut school for a reason, too!"

"I'll help you if there's something in it for me," Hiei pipes up, glancing at Kurama.

"I'll buy you ice cream for three months whenever you want it, with the exception of school hours and when I'm talking with my human mother. And, also when the shops are open."

Hiei nods. "I'm in."

Yusuke and Kuwabara gape openly at Kurama and Hiei. "That's all it takes to convince Hiei? Ice cream?"

"It has to be chocolate," Hiei adds, grinning. "And with rainbow sprinkles."

Kurama coughs and glares at Yusuke and Kuwabara. "You'll help me, right?" They gulp and nod.

"Alright, just so the readers know, Hiei's sweet tooth is not canon; just a popular speculation amongst fans," Kurama says and picks up a whiteboard and marker out of nowhere because the author needs them there, and this is her story, so there.

"The fourth wall totally needed to be broken again. I feel sorry for the one building it again," Yusuke grumbles and watches as Kurama hangs it on the wall and uncaps the pen.

"This is what I've gathered on the sun so far. That's what we're researching." Kurama begins to write in his neat handwriting. "The sun is a medium-sized star, in the main sequence stage. It is a yellow dwarf, and is 149,606,000 kilometers away from Earth. 92,960,000 miles, in American terms."

"How long do you think it would take the shrimp to get there and back?" Kuwabara inquires curiously. "He's pretty fast, you know."

Kurama blinks. "I-I actually don't know. But anyway, let's get back to what do I know. The chemical makeup of the sun is 91.2 percent hydrogen, 8.7 percent helium, .078 percent oxygen, .043 percent carbon, .0088 percent nitrogen, .0045 percent silicon, .0038 percent magnesium, .0035 percent neon, .03 percent iron and .015 percent sulfur."

"How do you remember all that?" Yusuke demands. "I can't even remember Keiko's birthday!"

"It's not my fault your memory is so horrible you can't even remember something as special as your girlfriend's birthday, okay?" Kurama snaps, irritated. "Anyway. The sun makes energy through nuclear fusion. The heat and pressure from gravity force hydrogen molecules together to create helium."

"Do you think the sun's heat would be as strong as Kokuryuuha?" Hiei asks innocently while smirking wolfishly.

"I don't know and I don't care, Hiei. The sun is about ten million degrees on the surface and twenty-seven million degrees at the core," Kurama continues, getting agitated quickly with the annoying questions from his friends.

"Nope. Kokuryuuha is hotter."

Kurama's eyebrow twitches. "The sun is 4.5 billion years old."

"Oh. So it's older than you?"

"Shut up, Kuwabara!" Kurama growls. "I'm only an eon old!"

"That's a lot."

"No need for your comment, Yusuke." Kurama turns back to the whiteboard. "The sun's gravity is twenty-eight times that of Earth's. It's also 2,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 kilograms in mass and 330,000 times Earth's."

"That's thirty zeroes," Hiei says. "What number is that?"

"No idea, Hiei! Stop with the dumb questions! So, that's all!" Kurama produces a piece of paper out of his silver hair, because in the show and the manga, he hides seeds and roses in there and shows it to the three others.

"You'll research the questions I put a mark next to. I've done most of them—be thankful!" Kurama huffs in annoyance and heads downstairs for a drink.

He picks up a glass of water, downs it, and heads back upstairs, only to see Hiei poking at his computer with a confused look.

"And you use this how…?" Sighing, Kurama turns on the computer for him and explains the basic functions of it before Yusuke and Kuwabara join him, sitting in front of the monitor.

"So," Yusuke says, typing in something rather fast for somebody who doesn't typically use technology. "Our first question to do; 'how do astronomers measure the temperature of the Sun without going there?'"

The author knows that Yu-Yu Hakusho takes place in Japan and they probably don't use Google and probably don't use English, but for the sake of the convenience of the story, she will make them use Google and use English.

"How…do…a…" Yusuke suddenly breaks out into a fit of giggles, which is actually quite funny, considering Yusuke is a guy.

"What's so funny, Urameshi?" Kuwabara takes one look at the screen and starts laughing. Hiei stares at the words, raising an eyebrow.

Under the search bar, there is written, "how do astronauts poop" as the first option. "What is up with you humans and your weird ideas?"

Kurama, sighing, walks over and immediately he sees the first option. "Really? Really?"

"Stop laughing, detective, fool! Kurama promised me ice cream. I might share if you hurry up."

After Yusuke's incessant laughing slows to a halt, he sits up and completes the question, still stifling giggles. He clicks on the first website with the mouse and reads.

"Okay, Hiei, write this down. The spectrum of the sun has a black body. Its surface gives off radiation that goes in different frequencies. This is related to the temperature of the surface giving off light in thermal equilibrium. You add absorption lines and you get 5750 thousand or 50 thousand degrees."

"Wow," Kurama comments, skimming over the passage. "You paraphrased that quite well."

Hiei nods, looking over the paper he'd written it on. "Got it."

Yusuke grins. "You know Vegeta from Dragon Ball? 'IT'S OVER NINE THOUSANDDDDDDDDDDDD!'"

"Are you serious, Yusuke? The author hasn't even seen Dragon Ball!" Kuwabara exclaims.

"There goes the fourth wall again," Hiei remarks, watching as they bicker.

"Excuse me. The project?"

Kuwabara picks up the paper and starts typing, ignoring Yusuke's protests of "hey, I'm typing!"

"What does…" He blinks. "'What does the fox say?' Really?"

"The fox says that he gets hurt in the same area way too much during the show," Hiei chimes in helpfully.

"Shut up, Hiei. No, 'What does the fox say' is a popular song by Ylvis from last year," Kurama explains.

"How do you even pronounce that?"

"I don't know," Kurama admits. "The author typed it, so I guess I said it."

Kuwabara continues to type. "What does the SOHO spacecraft do…?" He clicks on a random site.

"Um…SOHO stands for Solar and Heliospheric Observatory—what the heck? How does that even work? I don't see the first 'o'!" Yusuke exclaims.

The author does realize that they all speak Japanese and English and Japanese are different. It will be changed for the convenience of the plot. It appears that the author is digging herself into an even deeper hole, but this story is a crack fic so it will be excused.

"Are you writing this down, Hiei?"

"Mm."

"Er, SOHO keeps an eye on the sun's activity—whatever that means—and is a joint project between NASA and the European Space Agency and has been going on for fifteen years," Kuwabara reads aloud as Hiei scribbles something onto the paper.

"Next?"

"'What…is…the…h…" Yusuke kicks Kuwabara aside so he can type and goggles at the screen. "What the heck?"

Kuwabara sits up and glances at the screen. "…I have no idea."

"What is it now?" Kurama sighs, glancing at the screen.

The first option is "what is the hottest pepper in the world". "The things humans come up with!" Kurama grumbles. "And to think I live amongst them. Hurry and type, half-demon."

"'What is the highest IQ?' 'What is the history of Christmas?' 'What is the history of the Super Bowl?'" At last Yusuke finishes typing and clicks on a random link.

"Okay, Hiei, start writing. It started off as a part of the solar nebula—whatever that is—and a cloud of gas and dust with all the elements that make up the sun inside clumped together. Gravity and stuff pushed down on the ball of gas and nuclear fusion occurred. Then the sun was formed and it'll probably last another few millennia. Hey, doesn't that kind of sound like the Pokemon Gastly?"

"Except the sun isn't purple," Hiei points out.

"Yeah, you're right. Wait, you know Pokemon?"

"Mm. The show was terrible, the manga was good and the games were awesome."

Kurama coughs again. "The questions?"

Kuwabara claims the seat again, typing. "'How…m…' What is up with the people these days? 'How many seconds in seconds in a year?' Calculate it yourself! 'How many days until Christmas?'" After he clicks on a random link he starts reading. "Shrimp."

"Don't call me that. But I'm on it."

"Um…27-35 days to complete the rotation. It's random. And the answer to the second question would be no."

Hiei nods. "Alright. Got that."

Yusuke takes over the keyboard again. "Okay. The sun heats the Earth with radiation—that sounds horrible. Are you saying that all those lovely days of sunshine were radiation?—but I digress. What the heck? I wasn't aware I had such a word in my dictionary! Oh well. But basically, the sun heats the molecules in the atmosphere, and those molecules heat the other molecules. Got that, Hiei?"

"Mm."

"That heat comes from nuclear fusion."

"Mm."

"My turn." Yusuke cedes the seat to the taller, letting him sit and type while he reads over his shoulder.

"'What are measles?' Do you really not know? Whatever. Here's the information. Write it. Basically, there's the core, which is the hottest layer, the radiative layer, where energy leaves the core in the form of whatever photons are, the convective zone, where energy is carried by convective cells—creative name—or rising and falling gas. Then we have the chromosphere, the less dense layer of hydrogen and helium which is 3000 miles thick—sorry, can't find the measurement in kilos—and the corona, the outer region of the sun's atmosphere."

Hiei nods. "Got it. But honestly, do you think Kokuryuuha could eat the sun?"

"No. Continue," Kurama growls.

"Mine!" Yusuke takes the seat again, and begins to type. "So…definition of prominence. The solar one. Yeah. 'An eruption of a flame-like tongue of relatively cool, high-density gas from the solar chromosphere into the corona where it can be seen during a solar eclipse of by observing strong spectral lines in its emission spectrum'…whatever the heck that means."

"Mm."

"For sunspot, we have 'one of the relatively dark areas that appear periodically on the surface of the sun and affect terrestrial magnetism and certain other phenomena.' What, can't be bothered to list them?"

"Mm."

"For aurora, we have 'a radiant emission from the upper atmosphere that occurs sporadically over mid and high latitudes of hemispheres.'"

"Mm."

"And solar wind, we have 'an emanation from the sun's corona consisting of a flow of charged particles.' Of course, these aren't actually the full definitions, are they? Since the author is too lazy to write them out?"

"Mm."

"Alright. Let's answer the last question. 'How can the sun's energy affect life in positive and negative ways?'" Yusuke is promptly shoved onto Kurama's bed and Kuwabara takes the seat before searching it up.

"'kay, so here goes. The sun's energy is vital to life because it gives warmth—" Hiei snorts. "Be a little more obvious, please." "—and is necessary for plants to do photosynthesis. It allows herbivores to eat plants, and carnivores to eat those. It provides light for us to see by. However, too much sun can cause sunburn and UV rays are dangerous. Droughts happen in areas with too much sun."

Kurama gapes openly. "You finished?"

"Yeah," Kuwabara says, looking at him. "I don't see how this is hard."

"Thank you." Kurama kicks Kuwabara off of his chair, snatching the paper from Hiei's hand. Surprisingly, the fire demon's handwriting is neat. Very. More than his. He sits down and an undignified yelp escapes him.

He'd sat on his tail.

Hiei stares for a moment before laughing. But he stops after a moment, looking thoughtful. "Kurama. Turn back into your human form please. Then we can go out for ice cream. Chocolate. With rainbow sprinkles."

~oOo~