Recently saw the Three Stooges, and was of course inspired to somehow throw Harry Potter into the mix.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor the Three Stooges or any other affiliates of either productions.
Chapter 1: The lawn is not the loo
"Petunia! PETUNIA!" Vernon roared as he somehow managed to squeeze passed the entrance into his house. In one hand was a bottle of vodka, and in the other was his pants. He carried the trousers carelessly and in fact once he entered the house he threw them on the hallway ground.
The extremely thin, faintly horse-resembling woman popped her head out from the open door that connected to their kitchen.
"What is it Vernon dear- Oh my, Vernon where are your pants!" she asked scandalized as she looked away from the man's chunky thighs and legs, his socks and shoes which were still stretch over his fat legs were stretched to the limit his socks looking to be too small for his calves which were spilling over the tight article of clothing.
"hpmm?" he grunted unintelligently before realization befell him. "Well I 'ad to take 'em off to use the loo." he slurred matter-of-factly. Petunia gaped, before putting a hand to her nose pinching the nostrils shut.
"Vernon what is that god awful smell?" she asked horrified as she stopped breathing through her nose all together. The beefy no neck man shrugged as he stumbled passed her, her heart jumped as his underwear started to fall down his legs to his ankles as he walked. Vernon didn't appear to notice.
"Well, I'd reckon tha loo's broken again, las' time it broke that plumber did a shoddy job at fixin' it." Vernon rolled his shoulders back as he stumbled to the living room. Petunia nearly fainted at the smell, looking out the front door she realized with a start that a lot of neighbors had probably witnessed Vernon defacating all over their lawn.
"Vernon did you poop on our lawn?" She asked horrified already knowing the answer.
"No you daft woman! I use tha outside toilet!" he slurred a bit still, looking a bit put out.
Her face turned green and she suddenly couldn't even look at the food she was preparing.
"Petunia! Where's dinner!" Vernon roared from the living room, the TV blaring. Petunia took a heaving breath, which was hard for her to do without gagging as she hoped that Dudley and Harry wouldn't come back from playing outside till she got this sorted out.
"Vernon you don't deserve dinner, you're drunk! Now march up stairs and take a nap!" She ordered walking into the living room crossing her arms and looking at him dissaprovingly. Vernon scoffed, before his face suddenly turned purple with rage. He was probably realizing what she just said, and no dinner was not the correct answer.
"Don't you dare order me woman!" he bellowed standing, Petunia shielded her eyes from his nasty fat all around private areas. Vernon had once been a healthy man, perhaps a bit stocky, but someone that had won the state title for his high school in wrestling. Now he was just fat and nasty. She could hardly hold down her meager lunch from earlier.
"Vernon, you are being entirely inappropriate-" She shrieked, but was cut off as Vernon threw his vodka bottle at the wall. She jumped back, her eyes shining with fear.
"Vernon, wha-?"
"Don't order me woman!" he hissed threateningly, and Petunia was scared. Vernon didn't often get drunk, and when he did he was never violent. Just more usually inclined to participate in other activities, which she stiffly denied. He'd never before scared her when he'd been drunk. Petunia realized perhaps too late, that something was terribly wrong.
"Vernon-" she started weakly. But the man suddenly screamed, not unlike a wild hog releasing a war cry before charging. He struck her in the face.
"Made me dinner woman!" he bellowed with rage. Petunia was slight of frame and didn't eat often, due to her small stomach. That one blow sent her to the ground on top of their coffee table her head hitting it at the corner drawing blood.
Seeing the blood Vernon let out an exasperated sigh.
"Ah great, she's on her period too! Bloody great." he grunted, settling down on the couch and promptly falling asleep soon thereafter.
Unfortunately the head wound went untreated and Petunia died, Vernon waking up sober and realizing what he did, he ended his life by drinking himself into a oblivion. Harry and Dudley came back later that day after having a fun day at the park, escaping the back yard easily as the two mischief children skipped to Ms. Figg's house. They then convinced the lady to take them to the park using their four year old children charm.
Of course when they came back and Ms. Figg's stumbled upon what had become of the Dursley's she was horrified. Notifying the officials, Harry and Dudley were placed in foster care by the end of the night. They were too young to understand what quite happened, and were quite worried if they would at all be getting their spaghetti madness night like Petunia had promised.
Authors note: I'll probably be updating in a few days, at the end of the week at most. Of course, I'll only update if people express that they want me too. Which means: Reviews = updates(:
I'll get more into what I was inspired to write in the next chapter or so.
WARNING: There will be a timeskip in one of the foreseeable future chapters. Also there will be OC's (Original Characters) in this story, but no main ones.
Next Chapter: Harry and Dudley meet the third member to their group, and the plot thickens.