"I Will Not Die For You"
Author: Mari2Anne
Disclaimer: none of the characters are mine; I do not own them or Smallville.
Pairing: Chloe/Jimmy, Chloe/Clark
Spoilers: First four episodes of Season 8, mostly "Instinct."
References/memories from Apocalypse, Traveler and many other episodes.
Well, some things are just a little bit different and maybe just a little scrambled in my version of "Instinct."
Status: Completed/One shot. Just a short tale, and if you've read my other short tales you know it might get mushy. PG/PG-13. Chloe's searching her memory and her heart and soul after Jimmy's reaction to the "Fever" letter.
Hope you enjoy; please forgive any grammatical errors. Thank you for reading.
Chloe repeatedly reminded herself she was happy as she helped Jimmy unpack his things at her place; well, hers and Lois'. Lois had said she would be moving out as soon as she found a place. So in the very near future it would actually be just her and Jimmy.
She had thought of that often while trapped in that stupid fake-government-wannabe prison which turned out to be nothing but another torture lab of Lex Luthor's. Jimmy had proposed just before she'd gotten "arrested;" kidnapped as it turned out to be. At the time she wasn't sure she would have said yes.
But over a month of having her brain used and abused by Lex's creeps had made her realize Jimmy did love her. She had missed him. She had come to the conclusion that the very independent Chloe Sullivan wanted someone to lean on every now and then
She didn't really want to be alone anymore. While incarcerated she believed that Clark had Lana back and she'd hoped that he was happy; he deserved it. And so did she!
It wasn't until she returned that she found out from Lois how Lana had so cruelly left him. But he seemed to be moving on and more relaxed than she'd known him in years. Of course, life had been rather insane in the last few weeks; he did have many other worries. But maybe their relationship had been over a long time ago anyway; it had been quite an emotionally grueling roller coaster for some time.
She had told Jimmy as soon as she'd seen him after being rescued from that horrific Luthorcorp prison, "What I wanted in the past kept me from seeing what I have right now and that's you. You're perfect."
He had tried to give her a chance to back out as though marrying him was more than he should ask of her, "I am so far from perfect."
But she hadn't let him get away that easily, "Which is perfect for me."
She had convinced herself that they could make a success of it. They had fun together, whenever she wasn't avoiding him to help out Clark or Oliver. Sleeping with him was wonderful too. He was nice to wake up to in the morning. His life was all about his job and being there for Chloe. She needed that. He had even accepted her meteor freak ability, even though it had taken her a very long time to trust him with it.
And the only problem they really had, aside from her secret side jobs of helping Clark and Oliver, was she still wasn't sure if she would be able to tell him about her new "Brainiac" infection. How could she explain it?
She had thought of a hundred different ways, even contemplated the truth, that could work. "A walking, talking life-like, alien android computer tried to kill me, but my healing powers saved me; and he only succeeded in putting me in a coma and as a side-effect downloaded all the knowledge in his brain into mine."
Yeah, it sounded believable.
Jimmy would have her locked up in a nuthouse faster than Lex did. It was hard enough knowing how much Clark worried about her. Jimmy wouldn't be able to handle it. Meteor showers from heaven causing weird infections were enough for him to cope with; would she ever be able to share the fact that aliens--Kryptonians, Martians, Phantoms, to name just a few--walked the Earth and she'd even met some. Knew some quite well, actually. She stifled a giggle because she feared for her sanity for a moment.
So, yeah, there would be some trust issues again, if it came out, if she couldn't hide it from him, if she couldn't control it. She had to stop thinking that way or she'd freak out and start screaming for Clark to rescue her
Suddenly as she turned, she noticed Jimmy reading from a pink sheet of paper and her heart almost stopped as her memory kicked in, wondering why she hadn't hidden it in a more secure place or better yet, why had she kept that memory of her once broken heart in the first place. Did she think she would need a reminder for some future date when she was happy to remind her how miserable she had once been?
A combination of guilt and anger made her voice sound harsher than she expected as she told him, "I guess we sort of skated over the conversation about boundaries."
He fired back quietly, "Looks like I stumbled into the razor wires surrounding the Clark issue again. I knew that he was your first love. I just…never knew that you felt like this."
Why had she kept that damn thing? She was tired of this road, the scenery never changed. She tried to explain, "It's ancient history. I wrote that when I was 15. I've told you before, Clark is my best friend and that's all."
Jimmy couldn't let it go; he started reading out loud, "'I'm the girl of your dreams masquerading as your best friend.' You realize I'm living my biggest nightmare right now?"
Chloe wanted to scream at him, why can't you just be happy that now I'm with you, that we're together? But she remained calm even as she tried to be stern, "Jimmy, it was a school girl crush, and to be perfectly honest this constant insecurity about Clark is really starting to wear thin."
But her words didn't convince him, "Every time I try to leave it in the past it just keeps making its way into the present."
She gave up, "I-I don't know what else I can do."
"Why don't you start by asking yourself why you never said these things to me," he demands as he hands her the letter, a little crumpled and folded to reveal Clark's name printed on the outside.
It started her thinking…which was not always a good thing for Jimmy
He walked out when she didn't offer any other defense; but she didn't ask herself the question he wanted an answer to. In reality she had never really said those things to Clark either. She had been a coward and spoken them only when he was in a fever-induced sleep.
She had been even more of a coward when she'd finally had the chance to have him to herself after that spring formal when she'd blurted out it was better if they just remained friends. She had seen the surprise on his face; had it been disappointment? Would he really have been hers? Why had she been so insecure and let him slip out of her hands?
Afraid he'd turn to Lana? He did that anyway and she hadn't even raised a finger to fight for him.
After Jimmy left the apartment she spent the time surfing through pictures of her and Jimmy on her laptop. What was she looking for? Would the pictures tell her that they were meant to spend their lives together? How could she make him believe in their relationship when she couldn't even convince herself? She so badly needed someone to rescue her, someone she could trust; someone who made the world go away when he held her. Was that really Jimmy?
Her mind instantly traveled back to the moment Clark had removed the belts that had tied her wrists to the chair at Lex's Black Creek lab. She had practically flown out of that chair and into his arms. Clark had a way of embracing you that made you want to hold on forever because you knew you were safe, nothing could hurt you while Clark held you.
She vaguely remembered her words, "Where have you been? I've been waiting for you!"
She had waited for Clark.
Clark!
Not Jimmy!
Not once in the endless days she'd spent locked up had she thought that Jimmy would come to her rescue. She had waited, and even though she hadn't lost hope, she tried to figure out ways to get herself out, even arguing with the guards and the technicians experimenting with her brain, that they had no right to keep her.
But at long last Clark had come, with no powers, barely having been rescued from some kind of prison himself, risking everything, possible capture and torture. Or death, as it had turned out. After Oliver had shot that arrow straight into Clark's heart, he had been prepared and willing to die to save her, trying hard with his last coherent breath to stop her from healing him because of what it might do to her.
The pain and guilt over not being able to save Clark really shocked and frightened her. Had she lost the ability to heal? Or was it just healing another species that was somehow beyond her powers? She had been afraid of the power, of the price she might one day pay for using it. She truly had never imagined she would miss it if she ever lost it or was cured.
And yet, the moment she realized she couldn't save Clark; that he would die in her arms, she wanted to die with him. She would never again complain about being a meteor freak; or even whatever she was now with this Brainiac-induced knowledge circling constantly in her mind, the crazy speed at which she could absorb things her eyes barely registered, and yet they were carved instantly into her brain. She knew things, infinite things about the universe she didn't even begin to understand.
She'd accept it all if it meant Clark would live. She would do anything for him.
So many memories had hit her as she tried pressing her hand harder against his bloody wound, praying her powers would kick in.
"If it means saving Clark, I'd climb Mount Everest!" She'd said that to Lana after being told that they'd have to climb a steep hill to sneak into the Luthor mansion to get Kara out. They had needed Kara to rescue Clark from a prison of Lionel's making.
"I love your son. He's in danger and he needs our help!" Chloe remembered shouting it out at the top of her lungs in a desperate attempt to reach the alien intelligence in Clark's frozen ice castle. An AI who had once ordered Clark to let her die so that he could start his training. Clark had pleaded and saved Chloe's life. It had crossed her mind briefly when she'd dragged a doubting, reluctant amnesiac Kara to the fortress that Jor-El could easily kill them both. But again, Clark's life was worth any sacrifice; a man worth dying for. A man who would also sacrifice everything for his friends' happiness; willing to not exist so that everyone could be better off without him. A man who had "died" for her trying to save her from that young maniac who had wanted to erase Smallville from the map with a bunch of underground missiles.
Her heart was in her tear-filled eyes as she watched him struggling for breath in her arms.
"No!" was all that she could utter, but her eyes revealed: I would die for you. I have died for you. I will do it again, without hesitation, thought or regret; just please don't give up.
And as she thought he'd be closing his eyes for the last time, the Martian had suddenly appeared, lifted Clark off the floor, crashed through a window and flew with him toward the sun. After they had recovered from the shock of seeing Clark carried away, Oliver had gotten his team and Lois and Chloe out of there.
Jimmy hadn't rescued her.
Jimmy had made a deal with Lex, a man worse than the devil himself. And then thought he could get out of his end of the bargain by just telling Lex he couldn't go through with it. He had actually believed the devil wouldn't seek revenge. It could have cost Chloe her life. Not to mention the lives of all the people that came to her rescue, including Lois.
She had decided to forgive him for that unintentional betrayal because she knew he never thought Lex would hurt Chloe and he really didn't understand the evil depths Lex had sunk to.
But she was tired, actually very tired of having to justify herself about Clark all the time. She was quite mad at Jimmy after thinking about everything she had been through in the last few weeks.
And then the fool had ended up in the hospital, having had what they thought was a heart attack. It had scared her and she was relieved when she finally saw him at the hospital and knew that he was okay. She didn't question how unusually calm she was and buried the one thought that if it had been Clark she would have freaked.
She was at Isis the next day, catching up on some filing when Clark walked in. She told him, "I'm bringing Jimmy home in two hours with his heart in the right place and his hormones in check."
He looked at her a little skeptically, "I guess you figured out that Maxima kissed Jimmy."
"Oh, please, one look at Jimmy's blood panels and I put it all together. I can't say I'm thrilled that he macked on an alien goddess. But I must say—Maxima knows how to rev a guy's engine." In her worried heart she sarcastically added one more alien species to the list of visitors to Earth she probably could never tell Jimmy about. This trust and honesty thing was going to be a lot more difficult than she'd ever contemplated. For the first time she feared that a successful relationship with an overly insecure Jimmy might require giving up Clark. She quickly banned that unthinkable option from her brain.
Clark had smiled at her, tried to convince her to give him some slack. "You know speaking from experience he didn't stand a chance, especially since she went after him when he was vulnerable. He was really shaken up about some letter."
Chloe walked over to her desk and pulled the letter out from under a stack of work. "Yeah. That letter was for you. I read it to you sophomore year in high school when you were really sick; the only way I had enough guts to tell you how I actually felt was when you were unconscious."
She handed the letter to Clark and he read it, the last part out loud.
"I may not be the one you love today. But I'll let you go for now, hoping one day you'll fly back to me."
He looked back up at Chloe his eyes deep with concern and a realization of what he'd missed.
Chloe, with just a small bit of attitude in her voice told him, "The kicker is, you did respond with one word: Lana."
The look he gave her, confused and yet knowing he'd broken her heart, "I guess I always knew, I just…"
"Clark, that was a long time ago. Don't worry I don't feel that way now. I just wanted you to read it so that I could finally close that chapter of my life and put it behind me. But…don't get me wrong. I don't regret having had those feelings. But that's because they helped prepare me so that I was ready to share my love with the perfect person.
And to me that person is Jimmy."
His look said he wasn't exactly sure who she was trying to convince.
"So you blew it, bud," she snarked teasingly at him as she took back the letter.
And all he could think was, big time, I blew it big time, but what came out of his mouth was his patent: "I just want you to be happy." Not daring to add "but with me." He didn't really believe she would be happy with Jimmy but her happiness was the only thing he cared about so his wish for her wasn't really a lie.
"Clark, what you and I have, I will never share with anyone else. You're my BFF.
Which is why, um…when Jimmy and I get married I was hoping that you would give me away at the altar."
At first he felt a momentary happiness that he would not lose her and gathered her into his arms.
And it was exactly as always when they hugged; neither wanted the embrace to end. His logical brain which still felt the guilt from the pain he had caused her heart so often, wanted to tell her he'd be honored to walk up the aisle with her, to give her away to Jimmy, but his heart almost stopped just at the thought.
"Absolutely..." he murmured as he held her tighter.
"NOT!" he finished as he pulled back a little to look into her eyes. "It would kill me to give you away to another man."
Tears filled her eyes, "Why?"
"Because I want to be the one waiting at the altar as you walk up the aisle to marry me."
"Why? Why now?"
"I love you, Chloe. I think I always have. I'd die without you. I know you think we can remain friends if you marry Jimmy, but it's not possible. I would have to be out of your life for Jimmy to be happy with you. Otherwise he will never forget the words you wrote to me; they will always haunt him, always make him worry that one day you will fly back to me. I know that you love me, Chloe. The words in the letter, they're still in your heart. I know they've been in your eyes every time you've looked at me. In each of the few kisses we've shared. In each embrace. Whenever we hold each other, I feel like I'm home. I've always taken it for granted that I'd be your first priority because you've always been there for me. I don't know what my life would be like without you and I don't want to find out."
She hid her face against his heart as he slowly continued.
"You've died for me, Chloe. You saved a cold-blooded murderer to rescue me from being trapped in his brain and dying with him. At Black Creek you would have sacrificed yourself again and I saw the horrible sadness in your eyes when you realized your healing power was not working on me. Your heart can't possibly belong to Jimmy when you love me that much. I know I've been slow to realize all this, but picturing you marrying someone else shocked me out of my stupidity."
He could feel her tears soaking his shirt. He reached down to lift her chin and when he saw the shaky smile he lowered his head and kissed her lips very softly.
"I love you Chloe. Marry me. Please."
Her lips were still shaking when she finally spoke, "I guess I've been very unfair to Jimmy. It wasn't about his being insecure at all, he saw the truth and I just didn't want to admit it to myself. He's seen it all along, that's why he was constantly worrying about my being with you all the time. This is going to hurt him so much, Clark. But he deserves someone who loves him completely and I think he already feels that I'm not that person. Once he asked me to think about why I never spoke to him the way I opened my heart to you in that letter, I knew it was because I didn't love him the way I've always loved you."
He hugged her and smiled, "So you admit I'm right. You do love me?"
She lightly punched him with her right fist, "Yes, you big dumb alien, I love you…"
"I prefer the title intergalactic traveler, I do believe, I've mentioned that once or twice before."
Through her tears she smiled at him, "I love you, you big dumb intergalactic traveler!"
They both knew this would not be easy, they could only hope that Jimmy would one day forgive them both that they had made him collateral damage in their long slow road to finally finding each other.
--the end--