'You'll be okay, I promise.' My mother said. For the first time ever, I felt no fear.
At this age, paragliding was a hard word to say for me. I was eight, it would be hard for anyone if they were eight-years-old, and up thirty feet over a vast ocean; completely terrified.
But my mom was right next to me, my supporter, my rock. It was the first time I ever felt truly invincible, like nothing could hurt me. Paragliding was something fun for us we did on vacations; which my father couldn't even make, even after he paid for it. He figured it would be easier just to send us away to some four star resort, than actually be a father.
I could hear my older brother Danny roaring from the boat below, I could feel the wind against my feet, I could smell the salt from the sea. I could feel my mothers hand in mine, protecting me. I could see her smile as it gave me strength to feel no fear. I remember seeing her laugh as if she was eight-years-old.
The perfect day.
Now, I see a bright light, not much else. I hear a persistent beeping, I feel uncomfortable while I try to sit up, and the pungent smell of rubbing alcohol and vinegar filled my lungs.
"Where am I?" I spoke quietly, still unable to see much. There were a few things I knew: I was in a room, and my wrists really fucking hurt.
"OH, GOD! Holy shit, Tommy, you're alive!"
"Danny?" Curious at the sound of the voice. "Where am I," I turned to the sound of Danny's voice. "Why are you here?"
"Well, it's good to see you too, man." Huffing a sarcastic tone. I heard the creaking of plastic as he sat back down. Sarcasm was in our blood, but the sound of Danny's voice caused me to cringe.
Danny had a very specific voice. He smoked a pack a day since he was sixteen. Mom always got on him about it, Dad didn't really care; he was never home. Danny left as soon as he graduated, leaving for college as soon as he could. He got away right before things got bad. Leaving me with no one.
I felt a sharp tug on my right arm and found a tube protruding out of my skin in the crook of my elbow, I was wearing a floral green gown under thin white sheets.
"They had to put back some blood-" Danny stopped. "For the blood you lost..."
Fear started to set in. My vision returning, I could see now through the glass door people in different colored clothing, like pajamas, or scrubs.
"Danny, am I in the hospital?" I asked deadpan.
I was becoming frantic whilst my heart jumped into my throat. Danny stood up from the chair and crossed the room towards me, which only made me start to panic.
"Danny, am I in the hospital?!" I demanded an answer, I pulled myself up. The pain was sharp and immediate, a burn shooting up my forearm.
"Tommy, just relax, okay?" Danny sounded hesitant, nervous. "What do you remember?"
Danny's voice was so hoarse, like there was a small train station speaker in his throat. You could compare it to running your finger over the teeth of a comb; and he was trying to calm me down, but his voice started to aggravate me.
I closed my eyes in effort to remember. Seeing the moon, a clear August night, the moon was brighter than it had been all summer.
"Did I fall out of my window?" I asked more so curious than anything.
Danny gripped the railing on my bed. I heard the brittle sound of the hard plastic cracking under his grip. His glare made my wrists burn, I could feel the beat of my heart in my throat, closing with each thump; and the churning in my stomach started, becoming more unbearable by the second.
"Holy shit..."
It felt like I was on a delay, everything around me moving slower than my mind could pick up on. It all came back to me when I looked down and found gauze wraps around my forearms.
"I tried to kill myself, Danny..." I looked up to my older brother for guidance, for him to say anything at all; I was in disbelief. He just looked at me, with a stone face that was weathered with experiences; besides this one.
"What the fuck!" I started to panic while the memories of that night all came to the forefront of my mind.
Steak knives and goodbyes.
"Hey, Tommy, come on..." Danny tried to calm me down.
For a brief moment, I felt numb, but only for a moment. The realization slapped me across the face that I had failed where my mother succeeded. I did all that I could; physically and mentally. I cried. I screamed, I tensed every part of my body. I tried to think of something else, something other than this plain, daunting room. Danny just gripped the handrail tighter while I let out the last sob, before I went quiet.
My mother killed herself, almost two months ago. She told me to go out with my friends, she told me I should go have fun. I wish I had known then, I wouldn't have left out the door. How tight she held me, the kiss to my forehead, my cheek, the chill up my spine when she told me goodbye. When I finally came home, I found a new kind of hurt, a new kind of fear.
I could feel other eyes on me, all the nurses had been watching me during my fit, it just made my stomach feel worse. I could feel bile rising up in my throat; so I swallowed it back down. Appearing like an exhibit from the other side of the glass.
I felt like death.
"What time is it, Danny?" Wiping the tears from my cheek.
"It's a quarter till five." He said with a sigh. "In the evening." A quick hand through his unkempt thick hair.
I gave a nod, then looked down to the wrappings on my wrists. There was no need to wonder why I did this. I wasn't pressured into it, I didn't want to be cool. I knew I had done it; I guess I just didn't plan on making it out alive to live with this type of embarrassment. This was a suicide attempt; and I couldn't even do it, I couldn't even do that right.
The sound of Danny's boots stepping on the floor caught my attention. I noticed he was heading for the sliding door.
"Where are you going?" I asked in a wet voice.
"I'm going to go see about getting you discharged." Danny said without turning around. He was out the door before I could ask anything else.
I needed to ask what was going to happen with me. I had been staying with my Aunt Lynn, the sociopath in the family. I was sent there after my mother's funeral. Just sitting in Aunt Lynn's living room would make anyone want to kill themselves. The whole house was furnished like it was stuck in the eighteenth century and it smelled of dust and missed opportunities.
There another Aunt in Chicago, Aunt Sandy, she's probably the coolest Aunt. I like to think I would have been better off with her, considering Aunt Sandy was the only sibling my mother had that wasn't completely out of their fucking mind. But sometimes, life just makes it rain harder on you.
The reason behind me living with my Aunt Lynn in the first place was that my father happened to be 'too' busy to take care of his seventeen-year-old son. My father- Wait, Vincent; Vincent is the president of a major record label: Vinnie's Records. He also owns a personal driver company called A-Ride.
My father is that big of an A-Hole, he's taking jobs from Taxi drivers. Plus, he wouldn't know good music if it had called him and told him to get checked for syphilis. He's such a class act, he sent me to my Aunt Lynn's house after my world fell apart, not even Aunt Sandy! No, he sent me to Aunt Lynn with her vampire tomb and a Shih Tzu that if you sneezed within a five foot radius, it would shit itself, and then promptly die.
Vincent Wake is a piece of shit. But that's just my opinion.
"You piece of actual shit!" Danny's voice was low and gravelly but laced with hate. "He's your fucking son, Vince." Danny continued in hushed aggression. I wasn't sure if he knew I could hear him. But, I guess Danny and I had something in common after all.
He was just outside the glass door that was left slightly ajar, open to wear I could hear his conversation, so I leaned forward a bit; catching what I could.
"How long are you going to just leave us here, huh? You know how long it's been? You know what's going on, so why aren't you helping?" There was a pause, Danny let out a rushed breath, "I can't believe you, this has nothing to do with money! It never has! We need your help! I can't do this-" Danny let his hand holding the phone drop to his side, he pinched the bridge of his nose, his eyes shut tight in frustration; it was a vintage Wake move.
I felt like a kid again, watching my parents fight, or getting in trouble. I was at the receiving end of a scolding that I wasn't sure I deserved, or just accepted because it was expected.
Danny walked into the room, clearing his throat to make his presence known.
"Was that Dad?" I asked, sarcastic charm was also a Wake trait. Danny stared at me, not looking amused at all.
"Get dressed." Danny sighed, he tossed a bag that the hospital held for me.
"I didn't even see you come in with that-"
"Yeah, yeah. You're gonna stay with me." Danny actually tried to smile.
I appreciated that. But I was sure the 'I can't do this!' was related to this particular situation. So my lack of confidence wasn't surprising.
"If you hurry, we can swing by McDonald's." Danny continued.
This was a strange situation, and I wasn't sure how I was leaving. I slipped my pants on, took the gown off and shoved it far into the trash can, so it would never see the light of day again. When I pulled my shirt over my head, I saw that it was stained reddish-brown at the hem; the color was faded, so I assumed they had it sanitized.
That is blood.
It was my blood, the reason for the gauze around my wrists. My right index finger sliding against the medical tape, but before I could pick at the bandage, Danny placed his hand on my shoulder.
"I know this isn't ideal, I know I was, like, the last person you expected-"
"I'm glad you're here, Danny." My interruption was quiet, I looked to his hand on my shoulder, and then back to him.
"Well, I'm glad you're alive." His smile was brighter; real. "We're going to be alright, Tommy." Danny gave my shoulder a squeeze for reassurance.
It wasn't much, but it was something to go on. At this point in time, Danny was my only family. He's my older brother, who at one point in my life I looked up to. Who's to say that things couldn't be the same?
"They wanted to have a shrink come in and evaluate you, make sure you were normal." Danny laughed.
He had such a way of making me feel... Better.
"Did I need to be cleared or something?" I mumbled with a furrow of my eyebrows. I didn't want to leave a hospital being considered a threat to myself.
"Oh, no. Something about Hospital Polices or some sort of shit, it was just-" Danny froze, slowly turning towards me. "Oh, fuck. Were you supposed to be checked out?" His eyes widening, his jaw slant.
I almost believed him if it wasn't for the smirk he cracked.
"Your hold is up, you're fine." Danny laughed.
"Let's just get the fuck out of here, Danny. I'm hungry!" I shoved Danny forward, as best as I could with his giant frame. Not even moving him an inch.
Danny wrapped his arm around my head as we walked out of the emergency room.
"Okay, I'm taking him, bye!" Danny announced to the lobby with a grand gesture with his free arm.
I saw two very concerned nurses start to rush towards us with another coming up behind to stop them. She told the two that I was cleared and the giant man who had me in a headlock was in fact my brother. I could see the relief on their faces.
"Peace out Shoreside Memorial Hospital!" Danny hollered at them, throwing on his sunglasses.
For the first time, in a long time. I didn't feel so bad.
We were alright, up until the car ride. I forgot how much of a reckless driver Danny was. I thought things would have changed, but, no. From weaving through traffic, to cutting people off and nearly rear-ending drivers. Danny has remained the same terrifying driver I remember as a kid.
"Fucker!" Danny cursed.
"I'm pretty sure they had the right of way." I added sharply, holding on to the door side handle; or the 'Oh, shit!' bar while driving with Danny.
Danny slammed on the breaks, making a hard right, and continued up a hill. I saw lovely town homes, they were similar in structure but decorated differently. The higher up we went, the more ocean view we had.
"Danny, how the hell do you live here?" I asked in disbelief. The view was breathtaking. For a moment, I forgot all about my life and just existed.
Danny pulled into the driveway of his town house. I started thinking, he was a cartoonist and comic book artist, which was his career choice, but he wasn't working for too big of a company. The fact that he was living in a townhome with an ocean view in Shoreside, with the money he made as a cartoonist, must have meant he was also a hooker.
"Seriously, Danny."
"Mom," Danny sighed as soon as he parked the car; I titled my head in confusion. He cut the engine, keeping his eyes forward. "This is mom's home, Tommy. She left it to me."
My eyebrows furrowed, the townhome that was strange and unfamiliar not even five seconds ago was now foreboding. It was made of brick with white window panes, the grass was still green, complete with white picket fence.; it looked like a house my mom would like, which scared me. I could smell the ocean breeze and when I stepped out of the Jeep and for a second, I was fine. I grabbed my food, the fact that I wasn't at Aunt Lynn's, or back at the hospital gave me more relief than apprehension. Getting the full view of the place, this home that my mother had, which was a secret to me up until now. I felt a sudden rush of anger.
"Why didn't you tell me about this?" I felt a sting of betrayal. "I could have been here instead of with Aunt Lynn?" Danny walked up the rest of the walkway, I stood waiting for a response.
I was lied to, that made me feel cheated. Aside from the random birthday text message, Danny and I never really talked. or the quick hour visit on Christmas.I was with Aunt Lynn for a month, and he never said a thing. Would he have told me if I hadn't tried to kill myself?
I took a step back, my own words knock the air out of me.
"I wasn't planning on keeping this place..." Danny said defensively, opening the door. He turned to me, eyes narrowed. "I was going to sell it. I just couldn't bring myself to walk in."
We both became quiet, staring at the darkened home. I looked into the cryptic hallway with a chill up my spine and an ache in my chest. From the looks of it, the house appeared to be desolate.
"Did you know Mom had this place?" I spoke into the dark hallway, the question intended for Danny.
"There was a note she left me with the keys. She had Dad buy it for her." I noticed Danny hesitantly step forward. "She told me I should get rid of my apartment and just live here since it's paid off, but it's too big for one person." Danny was already in the house, flipping on a few switches that brought the house alive with light. "It's kind of scary here alone."
I walked in slowly, careful as I strolled through the foyer. I was cautious with each step I took, seeming as if one wrong move and I'd fall through the floor, and into a dark abyss. I eventually made my way into the living room. The interior decor was pretty much my mother; her style, her flare. Blue walls, tall with a white trim. Big open windows with massive curtains, and a skylight in the living room.
Her taste in home décor made her one of the most wanted house planners in Shoreside.
She gone now. My throat started to close up. My hands clenched into fists caused my wrists to burn.
"Maybe she thought I'd have a niece or nephew by now." I cracked a smirk, putting what effort I could to make it look convincing.
I looked around, seeing some art work that I knew my mom had picked out. Everything about this home was my mom. Her choice of colors, furniture and art work made it all seem like it was just for her, then it all made sense. "For when Mom and Dad fought.." Danny glance over at me, "After they fought, Mom would leave, remember? This is probably where she went." I spoke staring up through the skylight. Watching the colors in the sky blend with dark blues and orange bursts as the sun set. A laugh from Danny had me certain I was right. "So he knew about this and they were both fine with it?" Pulling my eyes from the painting in the sky. Watching my brother looking through envelopes of various sizes.
Danny turned to me after a moment and tossed the mail onto the nightstand next to the couch..
"Mom and Dad were only together for us, Tommy..." He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, I felt his eyes on me with a weight of contemplation. "They did the best they could, to give us what we had, but ultimately they just fell out of love."
I guess I always had known that, I just didn't want to face it. I was holding out hope that maybe I had a fully functioning family that cared about each other. Even through the fights, the breaking of whatever they could get their hands on, the 'I'm sick of it's!' and the 'Then fucking leave's!' I just wanted my family to be a complete family so bad that I just tuned everything out and believed only what I wanted to.
Danny had caught on to me getting quiet, he tossed me something and I was surprised I managed to catch it. It fit in my hand, but it had some weight behind it. Sharp edged and very expensive looking. I gave him a quizzical look, expecting to open it and have there be something behind it. Like dog shit, or a dead something.
"What's this?" I asked.
"It's a phone, dumbass." Danny said as he plopped onto the couch. "I got it for you while you were out last night."
"Hey, thanks, Danny." It the first time since my tenth birthday that Danny had bought me something. I couldn't help but smile. I realized that on the wall Danny was facing was an eighty-inch flat screen TV, Playstation, DVR; causing my jaw to drop with a sound system that almost made me salivate. "Mom bought those?" I winced from the sudden pain in my chest.
"Yep." Danny replied. Turning the channel to ESPN with a special on the Anaheim Ducks. "Mom loved us, Tommy..."
I smiled, holding my hand to my chest. Waiting for the pain to leave. Focusing on what I could to take my mind off of it, eventually being able to move without any aches.
Danny let me use his laptop to help get in contact with some friends of mine. Ben Echo being the first I messaged, I told him I had a new phone and that I needed to talk to him. Ben was my best friend, ever since sixth grade. He went a different route going into high school then the rest of us. He joined the debate team and then lacrosse. Then finally, he fell into the system of popularity. We would hang out as much as he can throughout the school years. But this summer seemed to be a bit different, I rarely saw him.
Nathan Brooks and Zoe Castillo, who were a different story, got back to me immediately. I met both of them in sixth grade as well and we've just been weirdos ever since. We had similar tastes in music, we both like to go to shows, we loved everything about Halloween; just to name a few things.
They both got back to me immediately, and we made plans to meet up tomorrow in the afternoon. Nathan had just gotten his license, making him the last of us to do so; they promised they would come by and hang out. I hadn't told them what had happened, the whole attempt at suicide thing. But I figured they were going to find out one way or another. They already knew about my mother, they were the only two friends I had at her funeral; Ben didn't show up, and I know he knew about it. So, either I was going to tell them about my attempt to meet death, or they would see the bandages around my wrists. I decided to keep them covered until I told them, there's no point in ruining a surprise.
"Hey!" Danny called from the couch. "Check out this play."
I walked over from the kitchen table and watched the replay of some highlight reel that had all of the hardest hits in the NHL from last season. I used to be into hockey when I was young, but Danny loved it. I vaguely remember watching a few games with Danny and my Dad at the Arrowhead Pond. Danny and I enjoyed ourselves, Vince was always on his phone.
"Danny, you think you can tell me how to watch Hockey?"
"Sure, dude." He spoke while cracking open a can of beer. "The hardest part is keeping your eyes on the puck." Laughing before he took a sip.
My hopes weren't too high, mainly because things were going way too well. But, I took it minute by the minute. Thinking 'This is as good as it's going to get.' So not to set myself up for such a huge let down. I figured it didn't hurt to try, specially after my near death experience.
I wondered what would have happened if I wasn't found that night, or if I got to the hospital a little bit later. What if I died?
Another wave of pressure in my chest, followed by the burning in my wrists. Unrelenting. Danny must have noticed, because he glanced over with another sip from his can, then kept his eyes on the TV.
Danny showed me to one of the guest rooms, which would now be my room. It was plain, but a definite step up from the hospital. A big bed, a window with a view and a lot of space. Danny said he'd go into work late to take me to get a few things in the morning.
Our mother played it smart, leaving bonds and trusts in only our names. She started them when I was born, they only got bigger with every year that past. Plus what she left us in her will. We were more than alright financially, but that really wasn't as comforting as expected.
"So you're all good? Bed sheets, and all that stuff?" Another beer in Danny's hand, the aluminum dented by the pressure of his grip. No eye contact, just speaking with his eyes on the floor.
"Yeah, I even have my own bathroom... So... that shouldn't be a problem either." I replied with a raise of my eyebrows. I was standing right next to him, so he had to smell it. "Have you washed these sheets, Danny?"
"Don't be picky." Danny laughed, roughing up my hair into more of a mess. It frayed in every direction. I walked in and sat down on my bed, in my empty room, with my brother in the doorway. The silence becoming louder and louder.
"Alright, Tommy. Well, I'll see you tomorrow. Bright and early, man." Danny lifted his can to me before he left, I gave a small wave.
It was a strange situation, my room was very symbolic of my own mental state; a lot of nothing. Trying to keep my glass half full rather than half empty, really only because that's what my Mom would have rather wanted. I put the sheets over my bed and plugged my phone into its charger.
Staring at my ceiling of my room, laying on my bed, in a place where I felt a little bit more comfortable and myself; I actually felt tired. I was hit with a wave of exhaustion, it hit me like a check in the boards. I heard a dog howl, or maybe a coyote. No, it was bigger, it had more of a lower tone, loud enough to be heard, but just faint enough not to be close by. It had to be something big.
I've got to be losing it, there's nothing that weird in Shoreside.