Title: The Professor and the Madwoman

Tag: The ultimate role reversal ...O'Connell as straitlaced scholar, Evelyn as jailbird temptress. TM turned on its head through the alternating eyes of our mismatched lovebirds.

Disclaimer: Me? Nope, no ownership here. Unless you count a blue ceramic camel and half a college education. Otherwise, I got nada.

Reviews: Greeted with great enthusiasm. :):):):):) ~Buff

I had heard stories of the infamous Evelyn--usually when Jonathan was drunk--and had always come away with the impression that she was perhaps too clever for her own good. Not that I was even sure it was a "she" past Jonathan's assurances that the thing thrown at our feet was his sister. I'd pictured her as a shorter, more feminine version of my friend, except with fewer scruples (if that was possible) and more wiles (certainly possible considering that Jonathan was, after all...Jonathan). My first impression, sadly, was that I would cross the street to avoid meeting her. Made the rest of my life all the more ironic, I thought later.

The woman on the ground was filthy, to say the least, but I suppose living in prison for a few weeks would do that to anybody. Her hair was stringy and matted and fell in her face as she looked up at us. Dirt had made her skin brown and splotchy. Her clothes were filthy, too, and torn in places. She narrowed her eyes at me, and I got the distinct impression that she would kill me if she got the chance.

And thus began the romance.

"Hullo, Evy," said Jonathan cheerfully, and the woman leapt at him with fists flying.

"I'm going to kill you!" she screeched. "I'm really going to kill you, Jon!"

I managed to pry them apart before Jonathan had lost too much dignity, but was forced to back away before I gagged on the stench. "God, what is that smell?"

She looked at me with wild eyes, her hands still itching to strangle her brother, I'm sure. "Terribly sorry, but the spa here is just so second-rate. They don't even let you bathe. You can imagine the complications."

"Nice to see you're in good spirits, Evy," said Jonathan, backing toward the door. "This is my dear friend Rick O'Connell. I'm just going to let you two talk for mite, all right?"

With that he flung open the door and slammed it in his wake, leaving me alone with the madwoman. "Who in Hell's name are you?" she growled, pushing some hair out her face. "Knight in shining armor of the month?"

"I'm just here to help. Jonathan dragged me here--"

"Ah, I see. Rather than facing the problem himself, dear Jon handed me off to someone else. Again." I caught a hint of disappointment in her voice, perhaps, but it was quickly covered as she narrowed her eyes at me again. "Look, buddy, I don't know what he told you about me, but--"

"He just told me that his sister was in trouble and needed help." Maybe if I reason with the madwoman, she won't claw my eyes out.

"That's all he told you?" She took a step toward me, and I involuntarily took one back. "He didn't mention anything about, I don't know, a particular artifact or a lost city or something?"

"Uh...no. Nope, none at all." Good cover, Rick, good cover... Oh, what the heck. "If you did happen to know something about a lost city, say...Hamunaptra? I sure would be interested from a scholarly point of view."

"Right. A professor? Let me guess, Oxford?"

"Ah, yes. See, my parents were quite famous archaeologists, and they--"

"Save it for another time. My parents abandoned me on the streets of Cairo at age thirteen, so I'm sure we'll have lots in common. Let's talk about the deal. You get me out of here, and Jon pays you--"

"No no no no no!" I waved my arms for effect but then stopped for fear that she might attack moving objects. "I'm not agreeing to anything unless you agree to take me to Hamunaptra."

She stepped close to me, eyes narrowed, teeth gnashing with barely contained fury. "Here's the deal, buddy. You may be interested in the scholarly aspect of the situation, but the fact is, I'm going to be dead very soon unless I get out of here. I've been kept in a separate cell for a couple of weeks now, owing to the little money Jonathan's been able to slip the warden. But it seems that the esteemed gentleman has lost his patience and decided to throw me into the main cells. Now, generally I can take care of myself, but unarmed against a few hundred men who haven't seen a woman in a few years, I don't give myself much of a chance. I'll be dead within a day... And that's if I'm lucky."

"I'd say you're not really in a bargaining position, then."

"Oh, I can bargain. I'm sure we could come to...arrangements." Her eyes flicked up and down me, and although I appreciated her attention, the stench made it difficult to imagine her in any more agreeable situation.

"I'm sure if you cleaned up a bit, I might reconsider, but owing to the circumstances I'm sure it's best if we keep a business relationship."

She grinned, teeth startlingly white against the dirt. "What a relief."

I thought about replying, but stopped myself. Wait a minute--am I insulted that the madwoman does not, after all, find me attractive? I changed the subject, quickly. "Here's the deal. I get you out, you get me to and from Hamunaptra, and we call it even."

I held out my hand, too late realizing that hers was probably germ-ridden, but it was too late to politely retract the offer of a handshake. She eyed me for a moment, then took my hand, her own small one surprisingly strong. "Deal." She hesitated for a moment, then stood on tiptoes and pressed her lips to mine before I could react.

I don't really remember anything about the kiss. For reasons that would only become clear later, when I was well on my way to falling for her, the memory is sort of a blur, a mere moment of lost time that was over in a flash.

After about the ten seconds of silence I could finally form words. "I thought we agreed--"

"Don't get your hopes up, buddy." She laughed, and I got the feeling that I had made a very big mistake in agreeing to let the madwoman lead me through the desert. "That one was just for fun."