"Oy! Harry! Where is it that we are going again?" Ron asked as he threw a broken tennis racket, stapler, and empty bottle of aspirin into his bag. He had just stumbled upon a box filled with Muggle things of Hermione's mother's that she was going to throw out and had insisted that she let him keep it all. His dad's birthday was coming up and he knew that there was nothing his father would enjoy more.
"I told you already. I just discovered that my dad's grandparents are still living. We're going to go visit them. My great-grandparents I mean." Harry was studying a map of Florin intently, trying to figure out how the Cliffs of Insanity got their name. Ron peeked over Harry's shoulder and Harry pointed to the small hut labeled "Miracle Max's".
"That miracle whosiwhatsit bloke is your dad's grandad?"
"Yeah... Miracle Max. The villagers think he is a bit dodgy but that is because they don't know he's a wizard. He's pretty old now and has been retired for a few years.'"
"How did you convince the Dursleys to let you go Harry? I thought they'd hate the idea of you going to spend time with your father's family." Hermione had just entered her room.
"Aunt Petunia about flipped a lid. It was Uncle Vernon who let me go. In fact, he had to nearly beg Petunia to allow it." Harry shook his head at the sight of his friend's shocked looks. "He's no Saint so don't go thinking that. Aunt Marge was coming to visit and I don't think he'd want me blowing her up again."
Ron pondered on that for a moment and then dumped more junk into his bag. Hermione watched with a single eyebrow raised.
"Your dad is not going to want a fly swatter or that old bike chain, I promise you." Ron wasn't listening. He was busy pushing buttons on a broken food processor. Harry and Ron and stopped by to get Hermione at her house and then the three of them were going on a summer holiday. Hermione had just finished her own packing and was impatiently watching Ron try to close his bag.
"Honestly Ron, I don't know why you didn't have your mum perform the expansion charm on your bag before you left so it could hold more," she said in an exasperated voice.
"Didn't know I'd be hitting the jackpot, did I?" he argued. She watched him struggle a little bit longer and then pushed him aside and begin removing his things and packing them as neatly as she could. Harry was now eyeing the Zoo of Death with great curiosity.
"Why on earth did you bring your figurines of the Chudley Cannons, Ron? You won't need those in Florin," Hermione informed him, reaching her hand in his bag to retrieve them. She yelped in pain when one of the players smacked her hand with his broomstick. Ron sniggered.
"I'm just trying to increase their fan base Hermione. People in... wherever it is we're going have likely never heard of Quidditch." Hermione motioned for Ron to come and sit on his bag while she tried to close the zipper. Harry watched, mildly amused, and went back to the map. He wondered how the Cliffs of Insanity received their name. A cold voice, however, brought him instantly out of his thoughts.
"Lets get this freak show on the road so I can go back to being nasty," the voice said. Ron and Hermione whirled around to see Draco Malfoy standing with his usual bodyguards, Crabbe and Goyle, both of which looked extremely puzzled as if they weren't sure where they were or how they had gotten there.
"What the bludger are they doing here?" an outraged Ron questioned Harry, who didn't look surprised to see the threatening threesome. He didn't looked pleased, but he didn't look surprised either.
"The author made me invite them. She said it would be worthwhile and that it would add to the humor appeal."
"You think we'd want to come on this stinking trip? My father tried fighting with the writer for hours but she wouldn't give in," Draco said bitterly.
"Are you bloody mad?" Ron cried at Harry, ignoring Malfoy. Hermione looked like she might be sick.
Harry looked at his friend sadly. "Ron, it wasn't me. It was the author. I'm not in charge of this story."
"What.... how... who does... WHERE IS SHE?" Ron roared, looking around. He dropped to his hands and knees and began crawling around the room in a frenzy, looking in every corner.
"Ron, she isn't under the bed. She isn't in my bag. Hey! Stay out of my drawers Ronald!" Hermione demanded. "I suppose that we are all in her mind since she is writing this right now. I suppose if you simply talk aloud, she'll hear you."
"Right. Well... LISTEN UP YOU STUPID WRITER! I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU THINK YOU GET OFF... YOU'D BLOODY WELL BETTER LISTEN UP! YOU'VE GOT A PRETTY DODGY SENSE OF HUMOR IF YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY, YOU TWISTED AUTHOR! AND YOU'D BETTER CHANGE THIS STORY RIGHT NOW OR I'LL... OR I'LL... or I'll....umm... wait a second...."
Draco and his cronies had burst into laughter. Harry and Hermione both had mixed expressions of amusement and horror on their faces. Ron was wearing a very ugly pink dress, a florescent orange hat, and bright green high heels.
"Okay!! Okay!! I'm sorry... I was wrong," Ron begged in a panicky voice, trying to hide himself behind a cabinet door. "It's your story... do what you want with it!"
"And...?" Hermione prodded Ron.
"And I th-th-think you're very lovely and a great writer and... ummm... and I'll set you up with my brother Charlie... or Oliver Wood... or both!" Ron was suddenly back in his normal clothes and he had a handful of chocolate frogs. "Oooo, thanks!" he cried, ripping open one of the wrappers with his teeth, tossing one to both Harry and Hermione.
Malfoy's eyes widened at the sight of Ron's treat, as did Crabbe's and Goyle's. Malfoy began yelling as well. "Hey! Well I think you're great too and I'll get you a date with... erm... me!" Malfoy's face was suddenly covered in rancid Tapioca pudding. Once Harry, Ron, and Hermione had had their extensive side-clutching laugh fest, Harry spoke up.
"We'd better be going then. I told them that we'd be there in time for supper."
Hermione looked very skeptical. "Harry, Florin is at least a two day trip from here!"
Ron snorted, spewing chocolate frog all over the front of his shirt. Hermione cringed. "Hermione, have you not been paying any attention? Malfoy's got a face full of goop and I've been blessed with loads of chocolate frogs. And you don't think we can make it Florin by nightfall?"
"Yes but it just wouldn't make any sense. The author surely must know that. It isn't logical that we could travel..."
Ron interrupted. "I don't care and neither does she. She is in charge, not logic. And I for one am perfectly happy with that if this holiday is going to begin with Malfoy smelling like a goat. And furthermore, I think that she is the most clever and cunning, not to mention beautiful writer I've..."
"Oh Ron, stop flirting with the writer. You've got your chocolate frogs." Hermione flounced out the door, her bag in tow. Harry followed her and behind him went three very glum looking bullies. Ron cast a wink towards the ceiling and grinned when he discovered another chocolate frog had found its way into his hand. This was going to be a great week.