"Alright then, Max. That'll be about it."
I sat there, trying not to fidget too much in my chair. I knew that the doctors here would analyze my every movement and take it as something it's not. Or maybe, for something it is. There was this unfiltered feeling of vulnerability flowing through me now. This doctor, Rebecca as she'd gently introduced herself, knew some of the darkest parts of me. Things that no one else knows. She knows my issues. She knows how messed up I am.
Dog, no one knows how messed up I am.
It's very difficult trying not to move. My right arm reaches up to grasp onto my left, nervously. I tap my foot on the floor.
Rebecca scribbles something on her little clipboard, then peers at the paper there carefully. She sets her pen down and then looks up at me. Her movements were slow and deliberate. It was clear that she was trying to make me comfortable. Regardless, all I feel is tense.
"Based on what we talked about here today, I think you have PTSD and a depressive disorder. What you described about your sleep, the nightmares you have, the breathlessness you feel... It sounds a lot like a panic attack." She's watching me like she's expecting something. What does she think I'll do? How am I supposed to react? I'm just sitting here, waiting to hear the verdict. "Then again, this was just the first appointment. We typically have a little 'get to know you period' of about three or so appointments. I'd like to see you here again, so I'm making the next appointment for Friday the thirteenth."
That's two weeks from now.
"Would you rather have a morning or afternoon appointment?"
I shrug at first, unsure about which time would be better. She waits patiently for my answer and I realize she's not going to decide for me. "Morning," I answer quietly. Better just get it over with.
Rebecca nods her head and writes on her paper again, "Ten in the morning it is." She rips the corner of the paper off and hands it to me. It has the health services number, her name, and the date of the next appointment written on it.
She leads me out of her office and into the waiting area, where I see my dad sitting with a book resting on his lap. There's a smile from Rebecca as she says, "I'll see you on the thirteenth."
Dad came all the way up from Seattle to give me a ride today.
I didn't want to go.
I knew I needed to.
I knew if I asked him to give me a ride, he wouldn't ask questions. He'd show up, drop me off, wait for me, then bring me back to the dorm. He's supportive in that silent, trusting way.
I'm silent in that untrusting way.
Guess I'm more like mom.
When I get back to the dorms, I walk to my room alone. People tend to give me a wide girth nowadays. Can you blame them? They don't know what really happened. They don't want to know, and I don't want to say. Rumors escalate quite a bit. I don't care. There isn't a lot that fazes me anymore. It doesn't matter.
It's just as I reach the door to my room that Victoria walks out of hers. Our eyes lock and for a moment we just stare at each other. Neither of us knows what to make of the other anymore. It's because of me that her half-brother was arrested. It's because of her half-brother that I was-
No.
Don't go back to that dark place.
My eyes flit away. I can't match hers for long. Not anymore.
I'm sorry, Victoria. We used to be equals. Now I'm guilty and naive, and so very foolish.
It was all my fault.
I open the door, walk into my room, and I don't look back.
I'm never going to look back again.
A.N.
I will be giving no explanation for this fic. Thank you for reading. ^^