Everything, Nothing
Chapter 1
Emma walked into the house on Mifflin Street and toed off her boots by the door. She smelled the aroma of rosemary drifting through the hallway from the kitchen. She shrugged off her jacket and hung it neatly inside the closet and for a moment, Emma smiled to herself. She had changed so much, and wanted that change, so she could be the woman that her girlfriend deserved. Emma's feet touched the cool floor, a sure sign that winter was upon them in Storybrooke, as she padded toward the scents wafting towards the front foyer.
When Emma walked into the kitchen, she was greeted by a most beautiful sight, Regina stood by the stove in her skirt and tights, white dress shirt untucked and draping gently down, as she cooked by the stove, a glass of half-drunk red wine to the eyes on her right.
"Hey there," Emma called.
"Hi yourself, you're late today," Regina called as she stirred at the stove.
"Yes I am, I had an unplanned meeting with David this afternoon right before I left," Emma started with a smile.
Regina was quiet for a moment and then tried to utter a surprised "oh?"
"Yeah, 'oh,' want to know why I was in this unplanned meeting?" Emma teased.
"I am not interested in the inner workings of the Storybrooke police force. I receive enough information in your untimely and sloppy reports each week," Regina told her, trying to seem stern and uninterested.
"Well, you might be interested in this. Seems David spent an hour this afternoon taking a statement from Tinkerbell and another hour convincing her to drop charges. Some woman threatened to crush that fairy's heart," Emma recounted.
"That fairy should keep her hands off what doesn't belong to her then shouldn't she?" Regina returned, pulling the pot off the stove and trying to act distracted while she continued cooking at the stove.
"Perhaps. But her side of the story is that she was merely having coffee with the accused's girlfriend one afternoon to talk about employment opportunities in Storybrooke," Emma offered.
Regina huffed. "She didn't need to be sitting so close and touching her unless her new line of work is prostitution."
Emma smiled and laughed to herself. "As I recall, from a witness of course, all she did was place a hand on someone's arm when speaking to her."
"She didn't have to leave it there for so long. She also didn't need to offer a full frontal hug whose duration lasted longer than any friendly one should," the jealous mayor replied.
Emma rounded the island and wrapped her arms around Regina's waist, tucking her head on her shoulder. "Did you really have to threaten to rip her heart out and crush it?"
Regina turned and draped her arms around Emma's neck and smiled at her. "It was just a figure of speech, darling."
Emma kissed her nose and then her lips lightly. "It is, unless you're someone who used to rip the hearts out of people and crush them."
"Point taken, Sheriff. Was the matter resolved?" Regina asked, stroking Emma's cheek gently.
"Mmm. Seems the deputy was quite persuasive and the sheriff may have promised to deliver a gentle warning as well," Emma told her, running her hands up and down her sides before resting them on her hips.
"Warning received Sheriff, did you tell that fairy to keep her hands off my girlfriend?" Regina teased.
"Oh, somehow I don't think that's necessary. You don't need to worry. She happens to be involved in a very serious relationship with one of the dwarves anyway," Emma explained.
"I don't care who she is supposedly involved with, if she touches you again, I'll-"
Emma cut her off with a kiss, "you'll do nothing because I belong heart, soul, and body to you, Regina Mills. You have nothing to worry about."
Regina leaned in to kiss her again, "Good. Now let's eat."
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Emma helped Regina put away the dishes after dinner.
"Where's Henry?" Emma asked, "he should be home by now."
"He's staying with your parents this weekend. I thought we might spend this special weekend together," Regina told her with a sweet smile.
"What's so special about this weekend?" Emma asked her with a straight face.
Regina's face flashed with anger and then hurt. Emma had only intended to tease her to rile her, not to hurt her feelings. She walked over and pulled her close, "hey there. I was just teasing. I know exactly what this weekend is." Regina didn't say anything to her.
"You forgot didn't you?" a hurt Regina asked.
"Of course not. In fact, I've planned a pretty magical evening for us tomorrow," she told her proudly.
Regina smiled. "I love you, Emma."
"I love you too, Regina. Let's start this weekend off with some wine by the fire, it's cold tonight. I'll start the fire, you pour the wine," she instructed. Regina nodded and headed to the cellar to pull Emma's favorite red wine.
Regina uncorked and poured two glasses of wine and headed towards the living room. She stopped and propped against the doorway as she watched the scene unfold in front of her. Emma had lit candles around the room and pulled blankets in front of a roaring fire. Soft music was playing, light jazz – Regina's favorite, as Emma propped pillows up against the coffee table, creating the perfect evening for her. Regina felt she didn't deserve Emma and it took her a long time to accept how much she was loved, that she deserved that kind of love. Every time she doubted it, Emma would sweep in and remind her of how much she was adored, needed. There was nothing that Regina wouldn't do for her to make her as happy as Emma made her.
"Marry me, Emma," Regina called from the doorway. Emma looked up slightly shocked.
"What?"
"Marry me." Regina restated. "I can't imagine a single second of my life without you. I want to marry you. I want to show the world that I love Emma Swan and that I plan to make her the happiest woman in the world."
Emma stood in silence for a moment and swallowed. Regina started to get nervous, she could see the familiar look in her eyes, the look that told her inner Emma, her inner orphan, to run. Run away because it is always too good to be true. Run now because it will hurt you in the end.
Regina walked towards her and placed the glasses on the table. Emma dropped slowly to her knees in front of the fire and Regina joined her, gently lifting her chin.
"Look at me, Emma. Don't run away on me," she pleaded. "If this is too much, too much too soon, I understand. If you don't want this with me now, or ever, it won't change how much I love you and want to be with you."
Emma's breathing started to speed up and Regina saw the panic start to build as she had seen so many times in the past. Regina slowly took Emma's hand and drew it to her chest so she could feel her heart beating underneath it. She put her own hand against Emma's chest and let her steady heartbeat and breathing settle Emma. It had taken so long for Regina to find a way to help her when these feelings surfaced and this always calmed her. Emma's breathing leveled out, her heartbeat steadied and she looked up and into Regina's eyes.
"Hey there," Regina smiled.
"I…" Emma started, no words coming to her at the moment.
"Talk to me," Regina asked kindly, "what are you feeling? What do you want? What do you need right now?"
Emma was often overwhelmed by Regina's kindness, her patience with her. It was something no one ever saw, not even Henry. Regina was different with her and she needed that. Emma's bravado in front of the people of Storybrooke, her parents, and Henry hid a very scared and insecure woman who never felt she could be, should be, loved by anyone. Regina understood her and patiently waited.
A few minutes later, Emma realized her hands were in Regina's as they stayed knelt in front of one another. She looked at their hands and looked into Regina's face before she could speak.
"You couldn't want me," Emma told her. "I… don't… I don't know why you would want that with me."
"I do want you, Emma. Every moment of my life, I want to be with you, with our family. Nothing makes me happier than to hold you, to laugh with you, to make love with you, to just be near you. I want that for always. If you don't want that, I understand. I will always let you decide what happens next, you know that," Regina reaffirmed.
And she had. Every step of their relationship had been controlled by Emma. Emma needed that. She had been manipulated, hurt, and controlled for her entire life and her fear in love was palpable from the moment Regina had first kissed her lips three years earlier as they sat together on a bench near the water. Regina felt her panic in that moment and the chaos of memory in Emma's mind flooded Regina in a way she couldn't yet explain. She caught glimpses when they connected, memories of a life that Emma wanted no one to know about, of unimaginable pain and hurt inflicted on her by others, of shame that Emma carried with her, always making her second guess everyone's intentions. They took things slow, she needed that.
In return, Emma gave her something that Regina needed – to know it was ok to not be in control. That she didn't have to manipulate for a happy ending, she could let things evolve around her for that to happen. Emma gave her balance and the most precious of gifts, her unconditional love. Emma made her feel like she could be and should be loved deeply, passionately, and fully. She challenged her to be a better person, to know that patience and gentleness were part of the real Regina Mills as much as she liked to play the prickly, cold mayor.
Mistakes had been made. The first time that they tried to make love, Emma ran. For Regina, sex had always been violently passionate, except with her husband. Her lovers over the years had engaged in rough, hard, quick sex and Regina was always seeking completion of her own, making sure she was satisfied. As months of heated kisses and increasingly intimate touching had passed, she and Emma fell into her bed after a long evening out. Regina immediately switched into Evil Queen mode with her, roughly throwing her to the bed, finding the scene erotic. Emma was stunned at first and as Regina ripped her shirt open and pinned her hands above her hand, a moment flashed between them and Regina saw fragments as the body beneath her tensed, face squeezed tight, eyes closed and lips tightly pursed, both efforts to hold back tears threatening to erupt at any moment. The shock of the moment made Regina move off of her quickly and she stood staring down at the woman trying to pull herself together on the bed. Her look of guilt was mistaken for pity or disgust, disappointment, and when Emma opened her eyes to see the woman towering above her, she quickly escaped from the bedroom and ran. She truly ran.
It took weeks for Emma to speak to Regina. Her embarrassment too great. She had convinced herself in those seconds of looking at Regina's face in the dark room that she was nothing. Regina's texts and phone messages were ignored and it was finally one day when she was on duty that the mayor made an appearance in the sheriff's station. Emma looked up as Regina had entered and panic overtook her features, she looked around her quickly, seeking an escape, making sure she could get away.
"Emma," Regina started from the doorway. "I'm not going to come any closer, I promise."
Emma backed towards the window and wanted to climb away but something made her stay, her face downturned with only a cheek exposed, hands against the cool rock of the wall.
"I'm not going to hurt you. I would never hurt you. I just… I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am. I never meant…" Regina had rehearsed that moment over and over in her head but now she stumbled. The usually quick quipped queen was tongue-tied as she stumbled through her apology.
"I understand that you don't want to see me anymore, Emma, I do. I respect that, but I can't not tell you how sorry I am for what I did."
Emma relaxed and stood up a bit, her face showing her confusion as she processed what she said.
"I was inconsiderate. I didn't think… I just didn't think," Regina confessed. "That's not who I want to be. I don't even think that's really who I am. It's just… habit. It does not excuse my behavior. I have regretted the way I treated you every second since that night. You will never know how sorry I am. I would never hurt you intentionally. Ever."
Emma stood in silence, trying to decide what to say next.
Regina had nothing left to say, "I'll leave now. Just, please, know that from the depths of my heart how sorry I am that I hurt you."
Emma watched as her beautiful eyes started to warm with tears. Regina looked at her again, and Emma could see the pain, the guilt in her eyes, as she turned to walk away.
Emma swallowed and called to her softly, "Wait."
Regina turned around, thanking every god she'd ever heard of for that one word.
"I don't deserve your apology. I owe you an apology. I've just been…too embarrassed to tell you," Emma blushed.
Regina looked at her confused and stepped towards her. When she didn't flinch or move away, she continued and took her hands gently.
"You owe me nothing, Emma. All of that was me. It was my fault," Regina reassured her.
Emma shook her head. "No, I should have been more…more for you, but I couldn't. I'm ashamed. You deserve more than that."
"Emma, you did nothing wrong, you do realize that don't you?" Regina waited for a response but got nothing from her. Regina collected the memory fragments and tried to arrange them, finally coming to a bile rising conclusion, "You don't realize that, do you? You think that it's because what I wanted that you should have acted differently, even if it wasn't what you wanted."
Emma shrugged, "You are so loving and giving. You had been so patient and you deserved it. I couldn't though and I'm ashamed of myself. I wanted to…for you, you know. I really, really did, but I couldn't. I'm so sorry."
Regina looked into her eyes, seeing years of pain and guilt swirling, and it made her angry. Angry that others had damaged that beautiful woman in ways that no one should be.
Regina pulled her close and held her for a few moments. "I know you don't believe me right now, that you can't believe me right now, but you deserve what you want, too. You deserve to be loved and cared for, doted on, because you are the brightest star in the sky to me. I want to give you so much. I want you to know, and expect, that you deserve that and so much more. And I can be patient, Emma. I can. I want to explore this with you. If you'll give me another chance, you'll call the shots. You'll decide how we proceed." Emma took a moment then nodded into her shoulder before whispering, "I want that, too. Don't give up on me, Regina. Not yet. Let me try too."
Now, Regina knelt in front of Emma, patiently waiting for Emma to form her thoughts and share them with her.
"Regina, I don't deserve to be with you. You are everything and I love you so much. I love the way you love Henry. I love how you've found yourself. I love how you love me."
"Emma," Regina told her, "You're my everything."
Emma smiled at her softly. "You're my everything, too. Yes."
"Yes?" Regina asked with a smile.
"Yes," Emma nodded in return.
Regina brought their lips together and their kiss began to burn. She drew her hand up to cup Emma's porcelain cheek and Emma brought her hands up into the brunette's thick hair. They rose on their knees, giving each other more access. Emma slid her hands down her neck and began to work the buttons of her shirt, revealing her breasts in the bra beneath it. She pushed the shirt off her shoulders and Regina shrugged out of it, continuing to kiss her firmly, stroking her back with one hand. Emma reached around and unclasped her bra, the cool air hitting Regina's skin and setting her nipples on point. Emma relaxed her own shoulders, giving Regina the invitation to move in her own time. Regina carefully tugged the shirt over Emma's head and made quick work of her bra before settling in to lavish hot, full kisses onto her light pink nipples. Emma dropped her head back to give her more access to her neck and chest. Regina smiled and began to place gentle kisses along her neck, places she knew ignited Emma's passion. They broke apart for a moment and looked at each other, Emma giving a nodless look that told her to go ahead, she was ready. Regina shimmied out of her skirt and tights, knelt in front of Emma in only her satin underwear. She put her hands on Emma's hips and guided her up towards the coffee table. Emma cocked her head to one side and smiled softly at this new development, and Regina waited to judge her reaction. Emma rose with the guidance and Regina worked her jeans down her legs and off, her panties close by. Regina rose tall on her knees and guided Emma back halfway on the table, pulling her bottom towards the side of the table. She pushed her knees up, propping her feet on the edge of the table. She placed kisses on her ankles, up her calves and thighs and then settled gently, softly between her legs, starting to kiss and stroke her most precious center. Regina felt her hips begin to rise in the steady rhythm being created, her legs relaxed and opened wider, her invitation to gently press one then two fingers inside her to match the rhythm Emma had set. Emma's groans had gotten louder, more impassioned, bolder. She brought a hand to rest against the back of Regina's head to encourage her to continue. Emma was close, she could feel it. Regina took a chance and carefully inserted a finger into her ass, continuing to stroke both in rhythm. Emma never startled, only groaned louder, her hips moving faster against the circus of pleasure happening all against her. Regina felt her legs tense as her climax neared and Emma yelled her name as she came. Regina rested a cheek against her thigh and let her ride her fingers until her body had relaxed, carefully removing herself and bringing Emma down into her lap on the floor. The blonde's forehead was sticky with sweat and her eyes were drunk in euphoria.
"Amazing," Emma said, kissing her face all over. "You are amazing."
Regina smiled at her. "I love watching you come for me. To give that to you. I love making love with you, Emma Swan."
Emma smiled, "I love making love with you, too, Regina Mills."
They resumed kissing, their heat resuming as Emma would make her move to give Regina the pleasure she so desperately wanted to give. They made love throughout the night until the fire was embers. They never knew that greedy eyes were watching them from far away.