I hate myself. I truly, truly hate myself. I mean, how could I not?

I'm in love with my best friend's boyfriend.

I guess it's mostly my fault. Okay, completely my fault, but I don't know if I could have stopped this. It probably would have been a feat best completed if I had never started it.

It was two summers ago.

The attraction, on my part at least, had been bubbling beneath the surface for many years. What can I say? Scott Summers is a very attractive man, made all the more so by the fact that he doesn't know it himself.

It makes the crushes from the students a bit easier for him to ignore since he's not looking for them, and being a little blind in the romantic field already, he never sees them unless they're blatantly obvious.

For me, it became my death card.

You see, two years ago, Jean went to a medical conference down in Houston. The couple had said their goodbyes and they were very much in love. It was painful to watch, but it had still been just a crush then.

If only I had just let it all go.

Scott went down to the garage the next day, missing Jean terribly. After all, picking on her at 10:00 a.m. was part of his daily routine and now that was gone. Unfortunately for me, I followed him.

I'm not an unattractive person myself, but I'm more exotic. I'm like one of those fish in the store who is weird looking and you find yourself looking at it, but when it comes time to pick a fish for your tank, you never even think about that one. I had purposely dressed a little more...tight than usual.

It worked.

Let's just say, after very little conversation which involved him confiding in me that Jean and him had been having a few problems in the bedroom area and he was craving sex, we wound up in bed. It had been clear going in that it was a one time thing and for contact only.

My heart feels different.

I fell head over heels for Scott. When Jean came back from the conference, nothing was said to her about anything we did and there was nothing different in the way we acted.

But she knew.

She wasn't angry, which surprised me. It also angered me a bit, but not at anyone but myself.

Jean seemed to know this and let me talk myself out at the old pier by the lake. I told her about my feelings for Scott and what we had done. She'd simply nodded and thought for a moment.

"Does he know?"

I shook my head, "That's my problem."

"Well, if you want to talk to him about it, I'd suggest doing so."

My head swung around, "You're not going to kill me?"

She'd laughed, "'Ro, you're my best friend and I knew we were both attracted to him from the get go. Besides, I trust him enough and know him well enough to make the right decision for himself."

What she didn't know what that he'd already made his choice.

Scott asked me for a moment to talk the next day in his office. He brought me in and was acting all nervous so in turn, I was nervous. I had no idea what in the hell he was going to talk about, and my thoughts naturally turned to that day in the bedroom.

"'Ro, are you angry with me over what we did that day?"

I shook my head, "Of course not."

"Good. Are...are we still friends, because it would get more than a little awkward around here-"

I cut him off, knowing he sucked at verbal conversation, "It's fine. We're still friends."

"Then, can I ask you for a tiny favor?"

It was a tiny favor for him, but it was a life changer for me. He needed to do some shopping and needed some help. I'd asked why he was asking me and he'd replied, "No one here knows Jean's tastes better. You two are practically sisters so I thought asking you couldn't be worse than going at it alone."

A dreadful feeling was filling my stomach, "What exactly are we shopping for?"

"Oh, that would help in the decision, wouldn't it?" he'd grinned at his thoughtlessness. "I need an engagement ring. I want to propose to Jean."

Any hope I'd had in the back of my mind flew away with those eleven words. He was going to marry Jean. I knew she'd say yes, which she did when he'd asked a month later. She'd come to ask me about it later, but I'd waved her away and told her I'd get over it. And I would.

Eventually.

I can't hate them. They fell in love with each other, which is great considering the lack of love each of them has had in their lives, for very different reasons. I'm still waiting to find mine. I can't hate them or the circumstances because I played a large part in it all. It's not them I hate.

It's myself.