Title: Drowned Promises

Author: LiLAqUaMaRiE

Fandom: CSI: Miami

Pairings/Characters: Horatio/Marisol, Horatio/Natalia

Rating: PG-13/T/FRT

Genre: Angst and Drama

Spoilers: One of Our Own (4x25) – slight spoilerish though, I don't remember much of that episode so my take of it would be more on the AU-ish side.

Word Count: 3,018

Challenge Fic: #18

Challenge Word: #18 – Shower

Summary: Horatio deals with his emotions.

Disclaimer: I don't own "CSI: Miami" or anything related to it, so don't sue me please!! I'm already poor as it is and don't need a lawsuit to put me out on the street.

Archive: Yes at and the MiamiFicTalk Archive.

Note: This is a fic for the MiamiFicTalk Community prompt challenge.

Note 2: Flashbacks are in italics.

Note 3: Why the prompt 'Shower? Because in the sense of Horatio having a shower of emotion falling upon him. Think of it as a shower of rain, falling upon you, swallowing you whole.

DROWNED PROMISES

"The worst way to miss someone is to be seated by their side and know you'll never have them." - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

It was night time in Miami-Dade County and almost everyone, except the normal nightshift CSI workers, were already at their homes resting for the next day to come. However, one CSI that should have been home wasn't, he had yet to leave his office. In a way, it was ironic. His office was the last place he would ever actually be unless he had no other choice and he wouldn't be in for a long period of time as he was now. And yet, this time around, this normally abandoned office seemed like a haven for him, a refuge.

Lieutenant Horatio Caine sat in his chair, both his arms laid upon the desk as his fingers were wrapped around a glass that was filled with liquor. He was staring downward into the glass itself, watching how the ice melted slowly into the liquid.

He was trying to lose himself with the drink; trying to close his mind, his thoughts, to things he wished at the moment would vanish into air. He didn't want to remember, he didn't want to think about the past or the present, about what had happened and what was happening now – about either of them. They brought too much anguish to his old tired heart, a heart that had its full share of misery since he was a child to last him the rest of his life. He really did not need to add more sadness to it.

But still, even with the drink in his hands, he couldn't stop feeling, stop remembering. It made him feel guilty, as if he was betraying his past with his present, betraying the one he once loved with another. He never meant to fall in love again, it just happened, it just did and because of it, he was slowly forgetting the person he promised at their funeral to never forget.

And that broke him in a way he could never imagine.

Marisol was always on his mind. Since the moment he first laid eyes on her, she was like an exotic flower that had to be admired always and there wasn't a day that had passed since then that he did not remember her as he woke up in the morning and when he went to bed at night. Up until lately, however. Things started to change without him ever realizing it, his feelings changed on their own – his heart fell in love without him knowing it. He couldn't even pinpoint exactly when he fell for Natalia Boa Vista, but he could tell you that it wasn't going to end anytime soon.

They waited in silence within the waiting room of the hospital; the whole team had been there ever since the news of what had happened to Marisol spread. No one breathed a word out as they painfully waited for any news on her condition.

Horatio glanced through his sunglasses which he was wearing and observed his teammates. Frank was standing in a corner with his hands upon his hips as he silently shook his head, deep in thought. Ryan was pacing back and forth; unable to keep still, the silence and the helplessness he felt were starting to get to him. Calleigh sat quietly with her arms crossed against her chest as she studied the floor beneath her. Alexx stood on the other side of the room with Eric in her arms. She was trying her best to console the young man who was in shock ever since he saw his sister get shot, not even caring about the fact that he too had gotten shot.

Horatio shook his head silently as he closed his eyes behind his shades, he hated feeling helpless, he wanted to be the protector, the one that guarded and cared for all those he loved and today he failed. He wasn't there to protect Marisol from getting shot, he couldn't protect Eric from getting shot as well and from the dread of maybe losing a sister, he couldn't protect his team from the sadness they were now feeling, and he couldn't even protect himself from the anguish that was slowly rising within him.

They all stayed the way they were for a while, all lost in their own thoughts, in their own sadness. And that's how the doctor found them when he walked into the waiting room looking for the family of Marisol Caine. "Excuse me, are you all here for Mrs. Marisol Caine?" he asked as he walked up to them.

Eric's head shot up immediately at the sound of a new voice, he quickly stood with the help of Alexx as his left shoulder was bandaged up from where he had gotten shot. Once standing, he walked over to where Horatio stood wanting to question the doctor, but Horatio beat him to the point as he spoke first. "Yes, this is her brother and I'm her husband. Is she going to be okay?"

The doctor looked closely at Eric and noticed the similarities between siblings and nodded to himself before turning his attention back to Horatio who had removed his shades. "Mr. Caine, I'm Dr. Olsen." Horatio nodded as he shook the doctor's hand. Eric didn't bother to offer his hand; he just wanted news about his sister. "How is she?" he whispered out. The doctor nodded slowly, "Mr. Caine, Mr. Delko..."

Eric was getting anxious with the wait, "How is she?" he repeated, this time louder than before. The rest of the gang had slowly surrounded them, not only to know in what state Marisol was in but to offer their support as well. Calleigh gently laid a hand on Eric's shoulder in an attempt to calm him as the doctor spoke.

"The injury she sustained was very serious. I'm sorry, but we've done all we can." The doctor paused as he glanced at Eric then back at Horatio, taking in the tears that fell from Eric's dark brown eyes and Horatio's face was expressionless. "For a moment she went into cardiac arrest in the surgery room, but we managed to resuscitate her. However there was a lot of internal bleeding and we had to remove her spleen, and there was some significant damage to her lungs, so she is not breathing on her own." The doctored sighed heavily, how he hated being the bearer of bad news, "I should warn you both that the odds aren't very good."

Horatio stared blankly at the doctor, "Doctor..."

"She's in a coma right now and I doubt she's going to make it through the night. I'm sorry."

Horatio threw back another shot of his drink, with the intent of trying to drown the memory. The whiskey burned his throat as it went down and he accepted the pain it offer, craved it in exchange for the pain his heart felt at the memory of when his past love slowly slipped from his fingers.

He knew if he kept drinking throughout the night, he could past out into oblivion and forget the misery he was currently in. That was what he wanted to achieve, that was his plan from the start. Drink till he couldn't remember his own name.

How could he betray Marisol's memory by falling in love with Natalia? He had promised her on her death bed that he would always love her and here he was in love with someone else. How pathetic he was, a liar, unfaithful to his wife's memory.

He took another shot of the whiskey and grimly smiled as his throat burned once again. He wanted to completely forget, he didn't want to remember the day she got shot – he just didn't want to remember anything, but the memories just kept on coming, never ending.

Horatio waited out in the hall for Eric to come back from seeing his sister. The doctor had advised for only one visitor at a time and he had noticed how shook up Eric was so he allowed the young man to see his sister before him.

Eric slowly trekked to where he stood; his expression was one of a lost child unable to comprehend what was happening around him. He finally reached him, "You can go in now H..." he whispered out, his voice sounded raw. "B-but, I-I have to warn you it's not pretty. There are a lot of tubes and wires and..." his voice shook as he broke into a sob. Horatio instinctively pulled the young man into his arms and held him as he cried on his shoulder. "I know, Eric." He whispered. "Its okay, all will be fine eventually." he swallowed down the hard lump that had formed in his throat as he rubbed the back of the young man in his arms.

After a few moments, Eric pulled away as he rubbed his face with one of his hands. "Sorry."

"Don't be."

Eric nodded then he moved to the side, "Go, and see her. I'll be in the waiting room."

Horatio nodded and both of them slowly turned around to walk in opposite directions.

He slowly walked into the hospital room and another lump formed at his throat as he took in Marisol's appearance. The tears he had been holding in all day to be strong for the others had finally broken forth and fell down his face. She was so still, so small and vulnerable. His heart shattered at the image of her like that. Quietly he moved closer to her and leaned over the bed to lay a soft kiss on Marisol's forehead before standing back up again.

He stared down at her closed eyes; those eyes that once had been so full of life and excitement were now closed shut, unmoving. He lifted a trembling hand and caressed her pale cheek as softly as he could.

"I'm so sorry Marisol, I'm sorry I couldn't protect you as I promised."

In a sudden anger that overwhelmed him, he stood abruptly from his chair and threw the glass across the room. He watched how it collided with the wall on the other side and shattered into tiny pieces onto the floor below.

He breathed in hard, trying to calm himself.

"Did you suddenly decide you hate the wall?"

The new voice penetrated his mind and he turned around to find Natalia Boa Vista standing at the doorway of his office with her arms crossed against her chest and to him, she was simply breathtaking.

And yet he didn't answer her question, he just fell back into his chair in silence, his eyes studying the desk before him.

Natalia walked into the room and closed the door behind her before walking toward the office desk, standing at the side of it. "So now I'm getting the silent treatment again?" She lifted a hand to rub at her temple before dropping it to her side. "Okay Horatio, I know you're my boss and all, but with all due respect, what the heck is going on with you?" She sniffed the air suddenly and noticed for the first time how the office smelled – liquor. "Have you been drinking?" She sighed as silence continued to answer her.

She walked over to a chair that was on the opposite side of where Horatio sat and dragged it around the table to sit next to Horatio. She sat and studied her boss, quietly. For some time now, he had been acting differently with her than normal and it started a few weeks ago and she couldn't understand why. Not only just that, but his silent treatments that came and went not only unnerved her but hurt her deeply.

Since before the mole incident, she had come to respect and admire Lieutenant Horatio Caine from a distance. She worked hard and long to gain his respect and trust, a few colleagues back then had joked that she had a crush on the redheaded lieutenant, but she always rolled her eyes saying that it was all in their minds. And yet, deep down, she had been slowly falling for the lieutenant. To her, he was just amazing. He was one of the best lieutenants Miami-Dade County had to offer and his team was no less, he hand picked each and every member of his team and she admired them all, was awed by them even back then and at times still was. However, Horatio Caine had held and still did until this very moment the mantel of a hero in her eyes and she loved him. But it wasn't something she could ever say out loud. He was her boss and he saw her as a friend and nothing more or so she thought before the different treatment he threw at her.

"Okay Horatio," she said softly, "Want to tell me what's wrong?"

Horatio turned slightly to stare into her beautiful dark almond colored eyes and noticed the deep concern that shined from them.

"Why are you still here?" he rasped out, his throat sore from all the drinking he had done earlier.

Natalia blinked at him. "Why am I here?" she repeated in exasperation, "You're asking me why am I here. The question should be why you are here!"

Horatio sighed and leaned back against his chair, laying his head back as he tried to ignore the dull headache that started to form. He closed his eyes, he didn't need this now, he didn't need to suffer anymore – having Natalia so close to him and not being able to express his true feelings, it was a torment. She was a special jewel that he could never touch.

Natalia watched him in deep concern, "Horatio?"

He gave in to his pain; he couldn't fight it off any longer. He opened his eyes slowly and turned to face her. He studied her face, the way her eyes narrowed in concern, how her lips turned into a soft frown, the way her hair fell to her side when she moved – everything about her was beautiful. "Have you ever wondered what hurts the most? Saying something and wishing you hadn't or saying nothing and wishing you had?" He questioned her softly as he stared at her.

Natalia blinked, taken aback by the sudden question. She didn't know what he was trying to get to with that type of question but decided to answer it anyways. "Um…It depends I guess, on the situation."

"Oh."

She didn't know why but that simple word urged her to continue, "But sometimes, sometimes the most important things…you know in life are the hardest things to say Horatio."

Horatio nodded silently as he listened and stared off at the forgotten wall that he had thrown the glass at earlier. Natalia frowned at the state her boss was in, he looked so vulnerable to her that she wanted to take him into her arms and soothe his worries away. Though she couldn't, she had to play the part of the friend, the teammate looking out for her boss, not of a woman worried about the man she loved.

"Are you okay?" She asked gently as she laid a hand on his arm, the sudden touch made him tense for a moment, she could feel it under her fingertips but she unconsciously rubbed soft circles with her thumb making him relax slowly.

"I'm afraid…" he whispered brokenly.

Her eyes widen at the soft revelation but something told her she had to be the strong one this time around, "What are you afraid of Horatio?" she urged him to continue.

"I'm afraid to tell someone how I feel about them." Natalia listened in silence, "If I do, I feel like I'm betraying someone else…" he laughed hollowly, "Besides I don't know if they feel the same, they may end up breaking my heart…and I don't think I can handle any more pain right now." He kept on talking as he continued to stare at the far off wall, "It makes me feel guilty. I promised someone I'd always love them and now…"

Natalia's heart ached for Horatio; she figured he was talking about Marisol and Yelina. "Horatio, your heart can't decide who it loves and who it doesn't or what to do. It does just that on its own, whether you don't want it to or when you least expect it. It just happens."

A single tear slipped from his eye, "It hurts so much inside."

"You love both of them don't you?" Her reply was a nod and she continued, "Horatio, you got to be honest with yourself and your feelings. It wouldn't be fair to anyone if you try to keep your emotions hidden; besides I don't think you're betraying anyone. I bet you loved both of them with the same strength, the same intensity but differently, and like I said, you can't help who you love. It just happens." She paused, "And I think Marisol can forgive you for caring about Yelina…"

At this point Horatio turned his face around to stare at her, "It's not…"

"Not Marisol…."

Horatio shook his head but regretted the action as the headache came back with such force that he forced himself not to wince, "No…"

It dawned on Natalia what he was trying to say, "Not Yelina." But then she frowned in confusion, "Then?" It couldn't be Alexx, she was married and she most of the time mothered Horatio and it couldn't be Calleigh – could it?

Horatio turned to stare at her, "There's someone that you know very well that I care about…" He lifted a hand slowly and moved it closer to her face, his fingertips barely touching her cheek. Natalia gazed at him with wide eyes, as her face flushed red and her breathing turned rapid. "I want to tell her how I feel but it hurts, I don't want to feel guilty and that's how I feel at the moment…" he whispered out to her, "Because I care about her, a lot more than I'm supposed to."

He dropped his hand onto his lap as they continued to stare at each other.

"A lot more…" he whispered.

FIN.