Keeping it together.
Hello! So after getting lovely reviews on my story 'Love' I decided to do a one shot!
This one focuses on when Spencer and Aaron finally admit their feelings...
I really hope you like it, and I hope you decide to leave a review.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
People tell you to keep it together in many situations. You'd tell yourself to keep it together whilst in an exam. I once saw a movie about a plane crash and all the co-pilot would say was 'Keep it together' I guess in situations like that you have to keep it together, it's almost like a matter of life or death, pass or fail, but sometimes situations to some people can mean life or death, even though you know you'll go to bed and wake up perfectly fine.
People are good at keeping it together, sometimes children more than adult, but then again they don't have many worries or fears, adults tend to do a bad job, because they either have people to worry about or they're worried about themselves and if you're being honest, everyone will have a moment in their life where one situation where you feel it's life or death, pass or fail, and looking back months later, you'll notice the situation wasn't as bad as you thought.
But you have to admit to yourself if not to anyone else, that as humans the one thing we know we can do for definite, is make things 10 times bigger than they need to be.
All Spencer Reid had to do was keep it together long enough to go into Hotch's office to give in the paperwork and get out again. He knew it would only take 2 minutes or so, but that still didn't make it any easier. Looking around he remembered everyone else left ages ago, leaving him by himself, he realised early on in his life, he didn't mind his own company, figuring it out in school that it was easier to be his own best friend. Smiling to himself he remembered how things had changed, looking up at Hotch's office, hoping things would soon change again.
Taking a deep breath he closed the last file, putting on the stack of other before standing up, looking around he wanted to make sure he was defiantly alone before he went to pick up the files, the fear of falling and dropping them all still played on his mind after god knows how many years in the BAU.
"Just keep it together." He whispered harshly to himself and he moved up the steps and knocked on the door.
"Come in…" He heard Aaron's voice, which only made him more nervous and eager to get in and out as quickly and as quietly as possible. Walking in, Hotch looked up, smiling at the agent, before clearing a space on his desk for the files.
"You should head home." Aaron said with a voice of authority.
"I will, I just wanted to get those done." Spencer's heart started to beat quicker the longer he was in the office.
"Maybe you should get going too?" Spencer asked and regretted it the moment he said it.
"Far too much paperwork, besides its Friday night, Jack is sleeping at a friend's." Aaron said, looking at Spencer with a smile.
"Right, well, see you Monday." Spencer said nodding a little.
"See you Monday…" Aaron said back watching Spencer leave his office.
After leaving Aaron's office Spencer went and sat back at his desk, trying to sort out his own mind. All he wanted to do was tell the man he was in love with him… although he knew it would be impossible, inappropriate, but worst of all humiliating to hear out loud that Aaron didn't feel the same way.
Standing up, he had a choice to make, he either went home, and let his thoughts take over, then it was back to keeping himself together for another week, or he went right back to Hotch's office and said everything he had wanted to for the past year. He made his decision, dropping his bag on the floor, he walked right back up those steps knocking on Aaron's door and that's when he knew, there was no going back now.
Walking in just as Hotch called out, Spencer couldn't look at him.
"Spencer…" Aaron said as a way of trying to make conversation.
"I know it's wrong and crazy and so many other things but I need you to listen to me, I just need you to listen to me for 5 minutes then I'm gone." He said, not sure he could make small talk.
"Okay, whatever you need." Aaron said sitting back in his chair, still a little worried, but willing to listen.
Stopping and turning to look at Aaron, Spencer took a deep breath, holding back an embarrassed laugh, but finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, Spencer spoke.
"I'm in love with you and I know it's not right and it's confusing and so many other things, but I had to tell you, because I've had to keep it a secret for so long and the job we do is so dangerous that I couldn't bear the thought of either of us getting hurt and me not telling you that Aaron Hotchner I am so very madly, deeply in love with you." Spencer didn't realise he'd moved closer to his boss's desk, but after he spoke he took a few steps back, feeling a lump in his throat and tears in his eyes all he wanted to do was run, hide away, make it feel like he was never there, but he'd opened his mouth now, and he said all he needed too.
"Spencer…" Aaron said, just like when Spencer had walked in for the second time. Spencer looked to the floor feeling the tears overflow, he couldn't look at him he didn't feel he could do anything. He felt empty now he'd poured his heart out to his secret crush, of as long as he could remember.
"I don't know what to say. Spencer, I, you know nothing can come of this…" Aaron said, hoping to sound more confident that he felt.
"Yes." Spencer said quietly, turning towards the door.
"Spencer, I…"
"I'm sorry for interrupting your evening. I'll see you on Monday." Spencer said never looking up from the floor as he walked out the office closing the door behind him, feeling humiliated, stupid and heartbroken.
When you're at home, you distract yourself. You go out, you read or watch T.V, and you do anything to distract yourself from getting lost in your own thoughts…
But tonight the only thing Spencer could do was think, he didn't want to get lost in his own self-pity he just wanted and needed to think, of ways to make this situation better, and so far he's come up with one plan that he knew for definite would work.
Leaving. Running away, selling his apartment, shipping all his stuff to an unknown location and getting a new identity, it would be difficult but it was easier than confronting the fact that he's told his boss he was madly in love with him.
As like every thought process, it was interrupted by something. In this case, Spencer pulled himself off from the sofa, reluctant to answer whoever was knocking at his door but at this point, he'd kill for a distraction even if it was for a moment to tell someone they'd got the wrong apartment, again.
"Yes?" Spencer asked whilst still opening the door.
"We need to talk." Aaron Hotchner said, his voice firm, leaving no room for Spencer to tell him to leave. Letting him in Spencer went and sat in the living room, figuring the best thing to do was keep his mouth shut, given the fact his talking got him into this mess.
"Why now?" Aaron asked quite simply, sitting on the other side of the sofa from Reid.
"It seemed appropriate. First, there was Hayley, then you had Jack, I was going to tell you when Jack got older, but then everything with Foyet happened…" Spencer could have gone on to the many reasons as to why he chose tonight, but he figured Hotch was smart enough to figure out the pattern.
"I never realised…" Hotch sounded defeated, not only as a profiler but as Reid's friend, he always thought he could read him well, obviously not.
"That was kind of the plan." Reid said with a small smile.
"You left without giving me a chance to speak…" Aaron pointed out, making Spencer avoid his gaze once again. Aaron only smiled, moving a little closer, causing Spencer to look at him directly.
"But, it's not really speaking that I had in mind…" He said quietly, showing Spencer a whole new side to the boss he was so used to.
"I don't, I don't understand…" Spencer instantly felt uncomfortable, trying to figure out just what was going on.
"I'm saying…" Hotch had to laugh a little bit, in an attempt to ease the awkwardness that had settled.
"I'm saying, I think I love you too." Aaron didn't have to say it twice before he felt Spencer's lips on his own. Moving his hands to Spencer's side, he felt the younger man slowly move backwards stopping the kiss, making Aaron wonder what exactly he'd done.
"I have wanted to do that for so long…" Spencer knew it sounded like something out of a tacky romance novel but it's all he could say.
"I think I have too…" Aaron didn't realise it until only moments ago, but hell he's fallen for Spencer and he's fallen hard.
"How much does this complicate things?"
"More than I am willing to admit… but we can deal with that tomorrow." Aaron said in a hope it would but Spencer at ease.
"Okay…" As much as it hurt to admit it, he knew things could never be 'normal' between them, even if they came out to the team, their boss, their families, they would never be a normal couple, but in time Spencer could deal with that. He'd kept himself together all these years, he was pretty sure he could do it again, but this time with a reason that meant more to him than the job.
People often tell you to keep it together in situations where you could easily lose focus, say something you're not meant to, or simply show some emotion. Keep it together is something you tell yourself when you're trying not to cry or when you're trying to take someone seriously. Keeping it together is hard because the only thing you want to do, is the one thing you know you probably shouldn't.
Truth be told, you can only 'keep it together' for so long before it all becomes too much, but sometimes and only sometimes, when you do eventually let go when you give up trying to hold yourself together for whatever reason, the outcome can be amazing…
I hope you enjoyed it and decide to review!
I am always looking for ideas and ways to improve!
Thank you for reading!
Bethanyy!