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Excerpts from Mihren's Journal: From Origins to Inquisition
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9:29 Dragon
Entry One
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Found this shit ugly journal on the body of the guy I straight up just looted. It had, like, weird ass squiggles on the first few pages that meant zero sense to me so I just ripped those out. The papers are now inside the mouth of the dead guy. He's dead. He won't complain. He also can't get cold, so I stripped him of all his clothes as well (not as sexy as it sounds, there was minimal participation on his part, selfish asshole made me do all the work.)
New thing I learned today: dead people smell rank.
Also, gigantic fucking sword that I can mysteriously pick up? Never miss arm day. You just never know when an insane blood mage will decide to pierce the veil of not one, not two, but in fact three worlds to drag an unsuspecting high schooler straight into hell. She couldn't settle for summoning some truly horrific thing from the Fade.
No. This chick was of the 'go big or go home' mentality, couldn't settle for less.
I still maintain that she could be exercised some sanity and left me the hell alone but. Whatever. Despite the fact that I literally need to have Gigantor the Sword snapping my back in half if I want to live up to my eighteenth birthday, things aren't, like, terrible, I guess.
Lie. I'm calling out my own bullshit now since I'm totally and completely alone. Things are worse than terrible. They're fucking terrible. Things have never been so terrible in my entire life and that's saying something because I'm not a straight white boy from the suburbs. 'Fucking terrible' just took an enormous dump on my life and made me swim downstream in it with my mouth open.
Christ, what a truly heinous metaphor.
Accurate, though. Very… very accurate.
Anyway, decided to write this shit down since I doubt this weird ass country ("Thedas" which sounds fake but okay) has fucking. What are they called? Shrinks? Therapists? Thedapists? Ha! Yeah, let's go with Thedapists. This hole of a country has twinkle-fingers and these creatures that are, like, crossed between LOTR orcs and Satan's asshole, but I have yet to meet someone who has anything remotely close to sanity.
So, no therapists, but yes to writing down your feelings.
Might as well start in the beginning. Not the beginning-beginning though because that's just me suffering through school and walking home from the bus stop as I fucked around on my phone and there isn't enough 'constantly-waiting-for-death' vibes in that. We'll start at the real beginning.
Or as I like to call it:
Blood Mages Can All Suck A Bag Of Dicks, The Pricks: The Musical
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When I came to, I was strapped to a stone table and surrounded by freshly-lit black candles. Considering the last memory I had was of walking home from school, fully clothed, something was clearly amiss.
But as I was now—naked, disoriented, strapped down—was not anything that I actually should be. I was also freaked out but that comes with the territory. Naked and afraid. Christ, I hated that show, but damn if it wasn't relevant.
The room was dimly-lit — not accounting the weird voodoo candles — and a quick glance around told me jack shit about where I was. My entire body felt like a gigantic bruise, bones weighing in like steel and eyesight frustratingly blurry for someone with 20/20 eyesight. When I tested my restraints, I could tell they were the real deal. Considering that I had the body strength of a wet noodle, and any sort of restraints let alone efficient ones were major obstacles, the whole leather-and-buckles wasn't exactly… welcome news.
Where the fuck was I?
Feeling myself start to panic, I strained against the restraints. The futility of the thing didn't really matter by the third unsuccessful attempt. I kept at it anyway, until my shoulders ached and my wrists and ankles chafed and sweat gathered uncomfortably at the base of my neck. By the time it finally sunk in that willpower would not weaken the straps, I gave one last, aggressive, frantic attempt — all desperation and no finesse.
Shittin' shite.
A door out of my sight creaked open. Light footsteps pattered towards me. I could feel my heartbeat in his teeth as I waited for my— kidnapper? to step into my line of sight. No matter what they looked like, I knew instinctively that I wouldn't like them. I was afraid already— keenly frightened, and not the least bit confused.
"Hey! Hey, w-what the hell, man? What's this about? Let me g-go!"
"Silence, demon." A cold voice rung out, and then there was an unexpected sharp bite of a blade at my ankles that had me screaming in pain. Yeah. No theatrics at all. Just 'hey there, how would you like to not walk on your feet? SNIP'.
"I know what you are. You need not attempt to lull me into a false sense of security, it will not work."
Demon? I trembled, managing a weak sneer. "The fuck are you on about with this 'demon' shite, yeah? You some kind of racist? It's twenty-sixteen, get with the times — mmmmotherFUCKER — !"
"I said silence!"
"Jesus, okay, okay! J-Just quit it, man, stop with the fuckin' pain—"
"Swear to me!" The woman snarled, and all of a sudden my sight was filled with a crazy white lady. Her eyes were bloodshot and wild, and her face was sallow and sunken, like a drug addict going through a shit withdrawal. If I even had the capability for it, I would have been pissed off — all of this because someone couldn't get their fix? Was this a cosmic joke?
There was little time to contemplate it. Crazy lady went off again, and soon, I was writhing and trying my hardest to minimize the threat to my life. So when she started screaming, I said anything to placate her.
"Swear to me your obedience, demon! Swear that you will not harm me!"
"Wha—shit, yeah, okay! I swear I won't hurt you! I swear!"
The woman leaned in until we were nose-to-nose. I tried to swallow my breaths so I wasn't hyperventilating all over her ugly face as her eyes flicked all over my face. Whatever she was looking for, Christ, but did I pray that she found it. And that whatever 'it' may be, it spelled out something like 'hey, could you perhaps stop hurting the school kid, maybe?' and also 'get help, you fucking weirdo'.
Just as my hopes cautiously started rising, a hideous sneer overcame her face, and she placed her hands on my bare chest. "You think me a fool, do you, sweetness? That I would believe such an obvious lie?" She snarled, voice dangerously soft despite the venom in it, and I futilely attempted to flinch away. There was nowhere for me to go. "I will bind you. To be certain, I will have to. It is my only option."
And as she went to crazy town, muttering under her breath about— oh, fucked if I knew, cult bullshit, that's what— I tested my restraints and found my efforts fruitless. I could hear nothing outside the room— no pipes creaking, no gas, no people. It was just me, the lady, the candles and the dank fucking room. It was at that moment that it sunk in.
My blood ran cold.
I was going to die, wasn't I?
… God, but I didn't want to die.
The crazy lady started a crazy ritual. I screwed my eyes shut and tried my damnedest not to be where I was. I thought of hunting in the bush with my father, of spray painting the principal's office. I began to think of literally everything except my impending de— my impending—
I didn't want to—
There was shit to do: homework, my job, I still had my ungrateful brat of a little sister to look after. I had— there was this game I was going to buy, and Malcom— we were going to chill out at the quarry, weren't we? Would Malcom look for me? Jesus, and my dad— my dad was going to kill himself out of worry, of course he would, he couldn't be trusted to look after himself that was why I was there—
The crazy lady shrieked, and then threw herself on top of me. Literally. Straddling my waist, she threw my shoulders back into the stone tablet and wheezed: "Why didn't it work?"
Before I could even comprehend the nonsense she was shouting at me, a motherfucking fire started in her palm, and she smothered it against my skin without any warning.
Except it didn't work out that way. An inch or so before it could touch me, the fireball completely vanished as if it wasn't there in the first place.
At that point, I was frozen in place. And this time, it wasn't just out of fear.
That didn't… but where did the fire… that didn't make any sense, she didn't have any— was this a circus cult full of drug addict magicians? What the holy hell?
The lady looked just as fucked up as I did about her magic not working as I did about the presence of magic at all. Her hands glowed blue then, and she sliced her palm down, sending a sharpened icicle directly at my heart.
Disintegrated.
She tried again.
Bzzzt, wrong.
Again.
No deal.
Eyes wild again, she summoned up fire, she conjured winds, she froze the air, she brought a goddamn rock fist down upon me.
Nothing came even remotely close to hitting me.
She seemed to throw everything she could at me, from elementals to literally waking the dead to trapping me in a crushing telekinetic prison that only served to trigger my claustrophobia but did nothing else, sliding off me when it got too close.
And as she tried in vain to inflict even the slightest bit of magic on me, I laid there, life in her hands, and stared the existence of something impossible right in the face, feeling the metaphorical world slide out from beneath me.
"Magic," she said softly, panting as though she had finished vigorous exercise, "it does not harm you. It does not — how is such a thing possible?" There was none of the crazy in her voice now. There was confusion, and a desire to know, which, I found, chilled me in a way the crazy couldn't. If I thought I knew what fear felt like before, it was nothing compared to the dread that pooled in my stomach at the glint in her eyes.
"I must have… you are not a demon, then, for the Fade to not influence you. I — it worked?" Wonder was in her voice. Wonder and pride. A crooked smile broke out on her face. "It worked! I thought— but no, of course, it should have been obvious from your attire, I have never seen such cloth in my life. You…"
She trailed off, staring at me with wide eyes.
I swallowed. "W-What?"
"You…" She breathed, and then grinned, sharp and fascinated and unhinged. "You are not from this world." She crawled off my body and stood vigilant at my side, consulting a heavy tome that belonged in a museum.
I shook my head, at first slightly and then frantically, so hard that I thought I might dislodge my head from my shoulders entirely. "Holy shit you must be insane if you really think that. You need help. You need to— to go to the nuthouse, okay, where professionals can help you! Or— or a goddamn prison, yeah? Rot behind the cells with other freak shows for the rest of your life, fuck, I don't know, just— just let me go, let me leave, I won't tell anyone what happened just let me go— "
"Oh, sweetness." The woman sighed, dropping the tome to the floor and brandishing her fancy knife again. It already had blood on it from when she sliced the back of my ankles. Just looking at it made bile rise in my throat. "Begging won't help your case. You know that. I know that. So save it, okay? And stay still like a good little otherworlder."
"W-What are you f-fucking doing?"
"I'm going to find out what makes you tick. I tore through the fabric of reality to drag you from a world without magic, I need to know what it is about you that makes you different. Is it physical? Mental? Spiritual? I can't know for certain unless I get my hands dirty, you understand." There was a slight furrow between her brows as she carefully examined my body. Her eyes stopped somewhere around my clavicle, and she leaned forward with her knife carefully poised. "Now, stay still, sweetness. You don't want me to cut something I shouldn't."
And then everything was a blur, and all I could do was scream.
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I don't remember much about what happened in that room. I'm sure if I tried really hard to, I could, but the fact of the matter was this: I didn't want to. Whatever happened there on that table, beneath her knife, was nothing I wanted to live with. I had the scars and the fear and the paranoia but I did not need the memory of it. Like, thanks but no thanks?
Maybe it was just me, but torture wasn't something that excited me.
So, if anyone asks, whatever happened before they met me is a mystery to the both of us. Strangely enough (or not so strange?), an amnesiac elf isn't that strange to humans; Christ, but that race operated under the belief that elves could do anything, from dancing in the moonlight to literally forgetting their entirely life prior to Darkspawn overdose, and it wouldn't trigger suspicion from them at all. Just a good old, 'Oh, there goes Bill again, forgetting his entire life! Oh, Bill, you silly blighter.'
The shit humans let themselves believe was confounding, you know. And I say that as someone who still considers themselves a human. Because that's what I fucking am, no matter what these pointy ears tell everybody else.
But my discovery of being an elf comes later. Post-torture and post-escape. Yeah, I escape. Wasn't easy, but nothing under that fucking weirdo's knife was exactly easy, and I dislocated my thumb getting myself off the table alone— it was about as fun as it sounds. Would rather not get into it with a book.
Let's just say that after losing more than half your toes and part of your ears, a dislocated thumb is nothing.
Took that fucking dagger and drove it right into her—
Nothing less than she dese—
Dry retched for ten minutes after—
Christ, the blood—
Ransacked her house (hut?) for shit like food, clothes, bandages, but all I found was books and knives and like, all the typical stuff you find in a serial killer's house. She had apples though which was cool and I inhaled those fuckers. Didn't know what hit them.
Anyway: books. Couldn't read half of them. Actually, couldn't read any of them except for a handful of super old 'Tevene' books and even then it was touch-and-go.
When I say touch-and-go, I mean 'the instinctive OW FUCK reaction you get when you put your bare hands into an open flame for no conceivable reason other than you don't really know what else to do'. But I did learn something from the random reading, so it wasn't all for nothing.
Let me explain—okay, no. There's too much. Let me sum up:
I'm not in Brooklyn anymore. Or America. Or… Earth at all. I saw the maps. Couldn't read what the fuck most of them said but I saw the maps and I didn't recognize any of it. The old books that I could read gave me the bare bones of shit. Enough to know that I'm kind of… desperately horribly lost.
Which, you know, cool. Whatever. It happens to the best of us.
Except I'm totally fucking freaking out?
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I need to look for a city or a town or something. Find a library. I need to figure out what's going on, and how I'm supposed to get home.
Oh, and figure out how to use Gigantor the Sword.
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9:29 Dragon
Entry 2
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Don't know what the name of this town is but I'm 98% sure a massive tsunami could wipe it off the face of the earth (Thedas?) and no one would be any wiser. It's that insignificant.
I think even the villagers themselves know how irrelevant they are. Their heads are fuckin' empty. And they're rude? It's like, "okay, don't tell me where to find the library is, you rude fuck", you know? And when they're not staring into space doing fuck all, they're scowling. Someone needs to introduce Thedas to manners or some shit. Whatever they have right now is appalling.
… Anyway, some not-nun directed me to a not-church when I went scurrying about begging for books. There was even a Sister there who figured out I couldn't read for shit and offered to be my real-life audiobook. Told me all about the months and the seasons and 'annums'. Even laid out some basic geography for me, that bloody blessing. It was pretty nice of her, until she inevitably started preaching, and then it was... (-interest) (+dislike) for the me.
All the books they have there are 'donated' books, which is bullshit because there was zero erotica and 100% "Praise the Maker! Andraste is the best! Fuck the Imperium!" Plain unrealistic. Everybody, humans or anything-other-than-human, had a weird fascination with erotica and a desire to share their weird kinks with the world. As if none of the donated books were smutty, you know? It's just. That's so fucking fake.
As I was saying! Chantry Sister, preaching! Should have seen that one coming but ashamed to say it completely blindsided me. I was out there having a good time and she suddenly started attacking me, bludgeoning me over the head with her faith. It was self-promo-ing at its finest. Honestly, it was sort of embarrassing in this wacko second-hand way. Like, you know? Chill out a bit? I don't care about your absentee Maker or the burning woman, I just want to know how to cross worlds.
Which was how I found about mages, actually.
It's... some pretty deep shit, dude. Templars, Circles, the laws surrounding mages entirely, the treatment Apostates get. I mean, the book was using big words so it was clear the book was trying not to seem like a dick, but the tone of the thing was understood, and it was being a dick. Undeniably so. Plus the Sister was ragging on about mages like they'd all lined up to kick her up the ass when she was a kid, so it wasn't really subtle.
Fact: Actual literal swords are treated better than mages. Sharpened steel literally invented to murder shit is treated better than people in this world. Sounded familiar.
And I was all like: "You guys seriously treat people like that?"
And she was all: "Blah blah blah we treat them with suspicion so that we who walk in the sight of the Maker can continue to lead full lives free of demonic influences mwahaha I eat babies for breakfast!"
So I went: "I hear you, but that just sounds really racist. Like, be real with me here, be real with yourself, stop lyin'. It's like a world-wide asshole mentality and you know it is. Don't try to make excuses for that, that makes you seem even more asshole-y."
And then she went all squinty-eyed and was all snooty and went: "You know, Messere, I find it strange that you cannot read. It is a basic skill, every human I know is literate. I simply find it strange that you aren't."
Which, like, wow? Salty, yeah? So I was like, "Uh, I was never taught." because it was a lot more plausible than the truth. The truth, I also suspected, would have gotten me chained up and thrown to the Templars despite not being a mage.
Then she got suspicious-like and asked the weirdest fucking question anyone has ever asked me. So was like, "Messere, may I see your ears?" So me, being a good fucking person who trusted this preachy Sister, showed her my very average ears, if a bit mutilated because of that ABHORRENT BITCH who GOT ME STUCK HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE—
Anyway. I showed her my average ears only for her to point out how very not average they are. I figured it was the fact that parts of them were literally Not There until she starting harping on about trees and savages. So that's how I found out I am apparently an elf.
She got all hostile after that so I straight up left in the middle of her lecturing me about—something, can't remember. Not worth it.
Walking away from that irrelevant town, I found out what I needed to know (i.e: there were low-level bandits on the roads — and I'm talking level one bandits here — the main trade route to Lothering was all good for refugees, "oh my, that Greatsword looks terrifying, Messere!", and "what a handsome man it is attached to the sword!") ((last one is less true in terms of being-a-thing-that-was-actually-said-aloud, but it is also the one fact in this fucked up world so how about that)).
There are whispers about something called a 'Blight' (whatever the fuck that is huh) but figured if I stay out of its way then we wouldn't have any beef with each other.
I'm moving onto another town though. This one's full of jackasses. I'll figure out how to use Gigantor the Sword on the road, maybe hack at a tree, intimidate some plants into submission, that sort of thing.
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9:29 Dragon
Entry Three
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Mysterious sword that is mysterious big is mysteriously light considering I don't even lift bruh. Found this fascinating and mysterious information today being a fuckhead in the bushes. Cool, cool, cool.
Encountered BANDITS today. THAT'S JUST MY LIFE NOW. Not many, and I don't think they meant to encounter me in the first place, and certainly not while I was taking a piss, but hey, stranger things have happened. Little seven year old Ren would be sitting himself though. Actual bandits. A dream come true.
Bandit 1 was all, "Mwahaha give up all of your belongings if you want to live!" but that didn't work on me. I guess once you've been cut into and held captive by a psycho blood mage for fuck-knows-how-long you automatically gain balls of steel. And Bandit 1 was pretty intimidating looking, objectively speaking.
Instead of scaring me, he sort of... really pissed me off? I'm talking Bruce Banner levels of anger here, too.
But I kept a lid on my temper anyway, proving that I am, in fact, a saint!
… Until Bandit 2 opened his mouth. Things kind of went red after that. No more sainthood for me.
He didn't even say anything, like, sharp, you know? He didn't exactly roast me. Bandit 2 just went all sneery at me and was all, "Hur hur hur that Greatsword is as big as you I bet you can't even swing it hur hur hur" and then next thing I know I'm cutting his head off? Which, like, holy fuck disgusting I saw his spine and everything and the blood was fucking everywhere shit? Seriously though, complete accident. Do not know what happened. Complete blank-out.
I just went all rage-monster on the poor bastards.
Note: may need to attend anger management classes when I get back home?
Cut down Bandit 1 shortly after and stood over their dead bodies like a freak-o still high on that epic murder combo I just flawlessly executed so I started taking on the tree in an official spar to burn off the energy. Button-smashing in real life. It wasn't doing much for me except boring the shit out of me and making me angrier, so, whatever. I was about to dump myself in the lake when the rest of the bandits came looking for their friends and found a blood-soaked angry elf instead.
Needless to say, things went directly to hell. No stopping at Go, didn't collect $200. Just shit.
The more I hurt the stronger—
I was so angry—
All I wanted was pai—
Looked one of them in the eye as I—
Everything was red everything their blood their eyes my ha—
Keep hearing them scr—
I don't really know what I'm doing. It occurs to me that public Chantry's with their bullshit donated books aren't going to be helpful in explaining how the average person with anti-magic aura can transverse worlds, but I don't have any other leads. It's travel Thedas ransacking libraries or give up on the idea all together.
I'm not doing that. Shit needs doing, so I'm going to do. Who gives a shit what logic has to say about it, you know? Pigheaded determination should carry me through the worst of it, and then sheer dumb luck's going to push me over the finish line.
Prepare your shitty shelves, Chantry libraries. I'm about to demolish you.
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9:29 Dragon
Entry Seven
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Sprained my goddamn wrist holding Gigantor wrong. Embarrassing as fuck. Hope when I'm jumped next they're too intimidated by the idea of me to actually fight me otherwise I'm going to get motherfucking robbed and I won't be able to do jack shit about it.
Slightly less shitty news: I made my first friend!
It's a small thing, half-dead when I stumbled upon it cowering in a tree, but a good judge of character considering how quickly it took to me. I climbed into the tree and perched on a branch for a good half hour with my hand sticking out, waiting for it to accept me as it's Lord and savior. Took around forty minutes total and I keep rubbing my shoulder with my not-sprained because that position isn't kind but, hey! I have a cat now!
It's gonna kill my rep as a badass elf not to be trifled with but sacrifices have to be made sometimes.
No bandits today. Was... slightly boring, now that I think about it. Oh, and I ran out of psycho-lady-food-supply so I'll have to go hunting. However that is possible with only a malnourished kitten and Gigantor. I doubt the squirrels and rabbits are going to sit there all nice and pretty as I charge at them with my fucking ten foot tall cleaver.
Maybe if I'm lucky . . .
Guess I'll be acquainting myself with the plants?
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9:29 Dragon
Entry Ten
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[The page is full of small detailed drawings of plants. Written beside them are the names and qualities of the plants in messy handwriting. The words are not written in Common, or any other language known to Thedas. The language has similarities with Ancient Tevene. That's all that can be determined of it.]
Elfroot – typically six leaves, sturdy stem, healthy bullshit, chew on the leaves for good times (unrelated to deathroot 'good times'. elfroot 'good times' are actually good). always need more elfroot.
Royal Elfroot – literally same as normal Elfroot but bluer and harder to find
Deathroot – purple flowers, kind of pretty, poisonous as fuck, deathroot, baked as a cake tbh
Embrium – who even knows, smell good, skeletor keeps sneezing around them (?)
Black Lotus – NNNNOOOO! shit for days. do not eat this, motherfucker. don't you dare.
Spindleweed – ? ? ? does nothing ? ? ? ? ? ?
Rashvine – sneaky pricks only grow out of stone, weirdos, make u itch (poison ivy yeah ? ?), turned my skin grey, made weird red spots pop up, thought shit was gonna go down but chickened out at the last minute. probs don't touch this again, ren.
Prophet's Laurel – brewed it wrong the first time, knocked me out cold, sleep potion shit my guy
Andraste's Grace – perfume flower ? ? ? nice in tea, skeletor likes it. stock this shit.
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9:29 Dragon
Entry Fifteen
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Shouted "Hastag, bitchin'!" at my enemies as they ran away today. Totally worth it. Skeletor agrees.
Learning how to fight without flying into bloodthirsty rage but it's slow going. I'm actually looking for little shits to start fights with so they can beat into me. They think they're winning but when I get a second wind and drive into them like a motherfuckin' hurricane… Then… then they will realize…
Until the day when I figure out the proper stance that won't get me knocked on my ass or until I stop getting disarmed by literal fucking children (ironic, coming from a seventeen year old huh), then I'm gonna keep getting beat the fuck up.
I'll get it soon.
Reckon I'll get closer to a town soon. Signs of civilization all over the place. Actually ran into a merchant, if you could believe it. Bought a bow straight off the guy— dwarf, first time seeing one of them, was a fucking journey, lemme tell you. Hope I don't see any more because I'll lose my SHIT— and then sold all the bullshit plants I'd accidentally kept on finding. He was pretty impressed. Apparently royal elfroot plants are hard to find?
Anyway, I'm pretty rich right now. Now all I have to do is not get mugged.
Ha.
An elf traveling alone in Thedas, not getting mugged? Oh, Ren, surely you jest!
Nah though. I've never had so much Thedas money before in my life. If someone tries to make me poor again I'm going to fucking flip my shit I don't give a fuck about morality anymore. Skeletor is a growing kitten, little shit needs to eat cat food like a cat should.
Been brushing up on my archery. Still kind of shit at it but I reckon all I have to do is keep shooting until I stop missing and that's me for the rest of my life. Until I get back home, of course, which I will be. Soon.
Keep waiting, Chantry libraries. Soon.
Soon.
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9:29 Dragon
Entry Nineteen
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Closed my eyes and I was back in the room—
Kept hearing her laughter—
The back of my ankles are tingling, I keep thinking they're blee—
Lied down today, coulda sworn there was someone holding me down—
Couldn't breathe—
Skeletor's worried because I woke up screa—
Happened again—
Now I'm just getting pissed off at myself for being so weak—
Fuck fuck fuc k fuck fu ck—
She keeps smiling at me—
I can't sleep.
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9:29 Dragon
Entry Twenty
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It's been awhile since I saw the LOTR orcs-slash-Satan's-asshole creatures. Encountered them again for the second time.
Not fun! They're ugly motherfuckers, man. Like— the smell of them. I could smell them before I heard them, you know? It was like... if death had a smell, I guess? They just smell like old blood and rotting corpses. I thought I was dreaming it at first but Skeletor was making a mess of my bedroll, the bitch, so I can no choice but to buck up.
It was just a scout or two. Still terrifying. Jesus, the way they scream—
I screamed right back at them. Helped a bit. Made me feel less like I was about to shit my pants. Could have always blamed it on the Black Lotus but I don't carry those motherfucking plants with me anymore, not since I got them confused with Laurel's Prophet and fucked myself up for a week.
Anyway. Orcs.
I would not recommend them as life partners. Sliced one of their heads of but the second one was sneaky as fuck. Kept dancing around me with twin daggers. This would have been less concerned if I actually had armour but since all I have are the unwashed rags of the dead guy I looted them off months ago
—months ago—
being stabbed in the back had the potential to really fucking hurt.
Still, fucker was fast. Took me a bit. Took me a while.
Skeletor helped actually. Little shit pounced right onto the orc's face and clawed it half to death. Orc sent Skeletor flying— I paid it back for that. Made me feel a lot better.
Course, I thought Skeletor was dead or at least really hurt but that motherfucker landed on its feet right on top of my bedroll and was waiting all innocently when I sprinted over to check on it. What an asshole.
Still felt like it was a close call—
Dumbass cat needs to be careful—
It was pretty badass though. Skeletor earned its place of honor riding on my head. Proud of the idiot.
I hope I can find a way to bring it home with me. Dad would love it.
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9:29 Dragon
Entry Twenty Three
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[The page is full of sketchy drawings of what appear to be landmarks. A tree with gnarled roots, a rotting wheel half-buried in the road, the ruins of a castle, and a bridge. Next to all pictures are tally marks ranging into the twenties.]
I'm fucking lost.
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9:29 Dragon
Entry Twenty Four
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That merchant was a swell guy, got me on the right path and here I am! Checked out the library, had a lay sister read aloud to me. Found nothing, as per usual, but before I could scamper away to wallow in a dark corner, she offered to teach me how to read.
Yeah. I'm not even fucking with you. I'm half-sure she's in love with Skeletor — she kept dangling a string for Skeletor to fuck around with which I secretly dreaded the consequences of, now Skeletor was going to have expectations fuck — and that's why she offered. NOT that I'm complaining. I accepted the lessons because I hate having not-nun's pity me as they read basic shit aloud for me to understand.
It always surprises them when I bust out words with three-syllables. Not even joking. Their shock literally fuels me. It's their fault for assuming that I'm an idiot so fair's fair. So I can't read their bullshit language! Doesn't mean I'm braindead.
Whatever though. Point is: she wants to teach me. It is pretty cool. It means I'll have to stick around though and there are already... kind of a lot of refugees around here. Not so much that the place is bursting at the seams, but too much for me to be overly comfortable with. There are a few already eyeing Gigantor. I hope they're not planning on stealing him from me— me and Gigantor have a bond.
I have a duty to perform though so I told the sister I won't be staying long. Just long enough to learn the basics, I told her.
She has a fancy French accent so truthfully I barely understood what she replied with but she looked nice when she said it so it probably wasn't an insult.
And then as I was preparing to fuck off and find a nice tree to sleep under, she was all, "I'm sorry, but I didn't get your name. I am Sister Leliana."
I didn't even realize I didn't know her name, to be perfectly honest. I was like 'what the fuck even?' and then remembered that yeah, real humans (elves?) introduced themselves to strangers. I'm a dumbfuck. Been away from people too long, I'm a weirdo about it now.
"I'm Ren. It's short for Mihren. If you call me Mihren, I will have to disembowel you, and I really don't want to do that."
Smooth, Ren. She laughed though! Said I was charming. Bunch of bullshit, but still, nice that she's trying not to be disgusted with me. I smell rank. Wonder that she's putting up with me at all, let alone offering to teach me how to read.
I've decided not to be a complete asshole to her.
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9:29 Dragon
Entry Twenty Five
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Remember me resolution to not be an asshole to Leliana?
Yeah, well, I fucked that up.
It's... not worth going into details. Honestly I'm just going to apologize right now and forget it ever happened entirely. And then I'm going to crash into the merchant's store, stock up on everything and flee into the night. Who cares about reading anyway?
Skeletor is sending me judgy looks. Literally fuck right off, cat-who-snacks-on-GRASS.
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9:29 Dragon
Entry Twenty Six
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Met a dog today! Apparently called "mabaris" and they're the ugliest dogs I have EVER ENCOUNTERED! Too muscly and they smell even worse than DarkspawnDarkspawn.
I thought it would help if I breathed through my mouth but I ended up tasting the smell instead, which was undeniably the worst idea I've ever had since I decided to sleep with Gigantor sleeping next to me and I accidentally rolled on top of him, cutting myself right open.
I met the owner of the little monster too. Damn thing was harassing Skeletor. Or Skeletor was harassing the damn thing. Either way, I had to scoop my cat up to save the dumb thing from being swallowed whole. Ugly as the thing was, the mabari had muscle. I was worried it was going to beat me up to be fucking honest.
No thanks.
Anyway, owner! Guy a year or two younger than me called Carver. Bit of an asshole. Actually, huge, gaping asshole. Farm boy, had an objectively hilarious tan, and he had white boy lips. Too skinny, though. Which was rich coming from me but I didn't have to check myself out. He was my only option and not even a very good one.
He kept looking at Gigantor and then me and then Gigantor and then me with this 'haha really?' snide look on his face that made me want to go for his throat. Before I could exercise my idiocy, however, the asshole's twin sister sidled up to us. Asshole's twin sister is less of an asshole.
She was really excited about Skeletor too. "What's her name?" Twin Sister asked, scratching Skeletor under it's chin. Mabari looked jealous as she did it. It gave me a thrill of pleasure. That's right, mutt. You are inferior.
Skeletor was my cat's name. I didn't want to explain that though because like what the fuck right? So I went: "Elle. It's name is Elle." Never mind that I didn't know my cat was a girl in the first place. My cat didn't have a gender. My cat was an agender spawn of Satan, you know? "I just call it 'asshole', really."
I didn't realize I'd said it until I realized they were both staring at me. Twin Sister laughed first but Asshole was clearly judging me. I made a face at him. He looked so affronted it made my relapse into childishness so worth it.
"That's my older brother's mabari, we're taking him for a walk. His name is— uh, Apawstate," At my look, she gravely said, "Seriously."
I turned to Skeletor and said, "Why didn't I think of that?" Skeletor disapproved. "How about Tempurr? Is it too late to rename you?" Skeletor greatly disapproved. I made a face back at it. "No, you're right, Templars are assholes. They aren't worthy."
"You don't like Templars?" Twin Sister asked. Asshole yanked on her hair. Rude.
"Nah," I answered. "They're dicks from what I've heard of them. Why? Are you going to, like, report me for that? Because that's... going to kind of inconvenience me a little bit, and I'd rather not be inconvenienced."
"No! No, of course we won't tell. It's just—"
"Bethany!"
"Maker, Carver, calm down! I wasn't going to—" She shot me a look. "We're just used to Templar apologists, I guess. It's a bit rare to find someone who doesn't agree with their principles."
"I mean in general I tend to think that the Chantry's greatest accomplishment is convincing the entirety of Thedas that it isn't a global superpower designed to oppress the minority. There are people who don't know that the Chantry shamelessly strong-arms anyone with the slightest ability to completely overrun them into fearing the Maker's disapproval to avoid opposition."
"Plus there's the whole 'manipulating the masses into turning the cheek when they massively fuck up' — which is kind of shitty — but I mean that could just be me."
They were silent.
Well.
"It's probably just me. Not really one for religion, me."
Still nothing. Asshole's face looked a bit stormy and troubled and Twin Sister's face looked like she'd been bonked over the head with something sturdy and painful. Even the mabari was kind of gaping at me by that point.
I was outies. Made my excuses, said goodbye to Apawstate (by which I mean I glared at him, Skeletor hissed, and Apawstate barked happily and wagged his tail), and hightailed it away from them. I was avoiding the Chantry after being a dick to Sister Leliana so I just went straight to my camp-set-up thing and settled in.
Am settled in.
Sitting here right now under the shade scrawling in this bullshit journal.
Still no closer to getting ho—
Starting to lose my patience but whate—
I know I should remain optimistic but that's never been m—
I hate waiting for results—
Actually, I reckon I'll just turn in for the night.
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9:30 Dragon
Entry Thirty Three
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[This entry is well-loved.]
I know the basics so I told Sister Leliana that I'm skedaddling ASAP. She seemed a bit disappointed — unfair, she is objectively attractive and I'm not gay enough that it's impacted my eyesight; pouting makes it hard for anyone to walk away, okay? — but ultimately wished me luck on my pursuits.
On my way outside the gates when I ran into Asshole, Twin Sister and Older Brother. As I mentioned last entry — sike! I've mentioned this in every entry because I'm trash! — Older Brother is super fucking hot and it makes me uncomfortable how attracted I am to that guy's beard. I didn't realize I had a thing for beards or gigantic fucking men who more closely resemble a bear more than they do a human but, I mean, okay.
The anti-Templar family caught me as I was fleeing in the night (actually sundown but technicalities) with my shit and my cat. No, I'm giving the humans too much credit. It was the dog who caught me. Beast bull-charged me so I had no choice but to stand my ground and catch the fucking slab of stink when he sought to annihilate me. I let it happen despite knowing the smell would take weeks to wash out without soap.
And Twin Sister was all, "Oh, Ren, you're here! I'll tell mother! She'll be happy to set a seat for you!"
And I was like, "That's awkward and unnecessary because I'm actually leaving forever and I don't plan to see you again in my entire life!"
She got all teary-eyed and wobbly-voiced and I regretted exactly everything that lead me to making Bethany Hawke cry. It's not a nice experience, you know? It's not— I didn't pat myself on the fucking back for it. It wasn't on purpose.
Asshole had no right to stomp out and glare at me like my purpose was to crush Twin Sister's entire world. Also, he hardly had a leg to stand on. Didn't he nail her braids to the bed?
He was all gruff and tryna be tough and it was kind of hilarious. Like, "Hurhur what did you say to Bethany you punk?!" Shut up, Carver. No one cares.
So I, a man of integrity, didn't even hesitate to tell the truth because that's the type of honorable dude I am, right? "I'm going to disappear out of your lives forever you won't see me ever again!" I was expecting High School Musical levels of enthusiasm here, because he's an Asshole Who Hates Me.
Except, not? Uh, whoops?
He just looked all wide-eyed and surprised and then he looked all personally betrayed, like an angry version of Twin Sister, which — uncalled for.
So I went, "You know, the Sister who spent the last two months teaching me how to read took this news better than you guys," which didn't seem to help at all. Surprise.
Older Brother trotted out eventually wanting to know what was wrong. Like there was something wrong at ALL. I wish he hadn't come at all. His arms are, like, always bare and the boy's ripped, son. There was most likely drooling on my end, as there always was whenever I saw the man-turned-bear-turned-man-again.
And he was all, "Hey, Ren!" [Insert extremely annoying noogie here that makes me want to kill everyone in this town and then myself] "It's cold out, come inside! Mother's preparing dinner, I'm sure she wouldn't mind if you joined us tonight! There's more than enough!"
So I broke the news to him. And he went all doe-eyed as well. (WHY.)
"You sure?"
"What do you mean, am I— yes, Garrett, I'm sure. I got shit to do, you know? Books to read. Gotta travel outside of Lothering to get the shit I need to do the shit I need to do, you feel?"
"Half the stuff that comes out of your mouth doesn't make sense to me at all, even though almost every word you say is profanity," He said, always prepared to give me shit even when on the brink of manly tears, "But do you seriously have to go? You can't stow away somewhere? There's plenty of room under my bed. You're small, you'd fit."
Oh, charming. Thanks, Garrett. Prick.
Was I not speaking Common? Twin Sister was still trying (and failing, I'm ashamed to write) not to cry and Asshole was glaring daggers, or maybe even swords, at me. I didn't even realize they liked me so much that they were honestly upset about me leaving? I still don't get it. But at the time I mega-didn't-get-it.
"I didn't even know you guys liked me." I ended up blurting because apparently I am a fucktard. Bad idea. Maybe even my worst idea. All of them went doe-eyed, even Asshole, and he doesn't like me. "Forget I said that." That was the approximate moment Twin Sister gave up on composure and threw herself at me. Sort of an awkward angle because she's taller than me by a lot and I think she forgets that a lot but it was definitely a hug.
I stood there. "Fucking hell, Bethy." I eloquently said.
"Language." Said Garrett.
"Fucking heck, Bethy." I corrected myself.
Garrett looked annoyingly proud of me for that. And then got me into another headlock. So I got strangled twice tonight. Didn't even really mind. That's easily the most disconcerting part of the ideal. Asshole just stood there glowering at me. Unsurprising, because, you know, Asshole, but his siblings had given me expectations. Expectations that he wasn't meeting.
So yeah when Twin Sister stopped hugging me and Garrett stopped being a humongous-and-ripped-shithead, I was extra vindictive in dragging Asshole down into a hug. He screamed like a little bitch, immediately tried to wretch himself away from me, and struggled the entire time until I went all, "Carver I will stand here all night if you don't quit your fucking squirming, don't test me," and he just stood there stiffly and let me slowly strangle him.
Only when he pulled that stick outta his ass and went to hug back did I back the fuck out of there.
He actually doesn't smell too bad for a barbarian who doesn't bathe everyday with soap—
Anyway, so, I'm out of Lothering and it's just after Guardian.
Sort of miss the Hawkes—
Didn't even get to say goodbye to Dad Hawke—
Wonder what they told Leandra—
Is it weird that I don't want Leliana to forget about the rude elf she taught to read—
I'll set off at first daylight.
[In the margins of the page are three cartoonish drawings of Bethany Hawke, Carver Hawke and Garrett Hawke. Bethany has large, teary eyes and her hands clasped together in front of her chest. Carver is comically scowling and has steam-lines coming out of his forehead. Garrett is showcasing his over-exaggerated muscles, teeth shining as he grins at the reader. In the top left-corner is an indiscriminate Chantry Sister with bob-cut hair standing in front of a pointy-eared figure with a ruler in her hand. The caption says 'teacher' in Common. It is the first Common word to appear in the journal.]
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9:30 Dragon
Entry—
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Got fucking lost again so I have to stop by the nearest landmark and get my shit together, which happens to be Lake Calenhad, which sucks because I can see that dumbass Circle tower and it looks exactly like I thought it would. Generally pissed off at the world, don't know what's got me in such a fucking mood.
I'm getting sick of myself.
Think Skeletor's contemplating running away to live a life of feline solitude to stop me glaring at it whenever it breathes. That would just make me angry and sad so I hope the fucker doesn't do that. Seriously, I'll—
Shit no wait I can hear something—
No, it's nothing. Yikes, twitchy much? I think I miss Sister Leliana and Bethy and Garrett and even that Asshole? Which is... humiliating to admit. I don't want to talk about it.
Never mind. Yes to writing down your feelings. I guess I'm maybe lonely? I'll get used to it. Maybe if I'm lucky the next town I squat in will have a family of suspicious anti-Templar twin siblings and a bear-man that'll immediately adopt me into their ranks.
I don't think anyone could replace Sister Leliana though. Something about her was just... different from other Sisters? If that makes any goddamn sense. Probably not. I'm a dumb fuc—
? ? ?
That smell—
I swear to God I can hear—
wait no i... i fuckni know that smell—
holy shit—
[There is a long line of charcoal cutting through the rest of the page, as though the writer was startled and jerked his hand. There is dirt stained on the parchment from when Mihren discarded the journey onto muddy grassy, along with bits of clumped charcoal. There is also spotted black blood that stains the top right-corners of the rest of the journal starting from this page.]
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