Disclaimer: We do not own anything in this fic, blah, blah, blah…
A/N: This is a fic me and my little brother Sean (although he said if he had an account on here, he'd be called Darkside Cypher) created together. It's just based off an idea we had when we found out the Colonel on MGS2: SOL is named Roy Campbell. Maybe I was just hyper, but I thought it was hilarious, and so did he, so maybe you will too. Please no flames (Sean's only 10, don't hurt his feelings, lol) but anything you have to say other than that is fine.
(Transmission begins. On the right screen is Raiden, and on the left is… a Campbell's soup can.)
Raiden: What are my orders?
Soup Can: …
Raiden: And the second one?
Soup Can: …
Raiden: ……. Interesting…
(Raiden sees his first enemy sentry.)
Raiden: Soup Can, I have sighted an enemy sentry, what do I do?
Soup Can: !!!
(Raiden keeps getting shot, and almost dies)
Raiden: Hey… Soup Can, what are you hiding from me?!
Soup Can: !?!
Raiden: Don't give me any of that!!!
(Raiden sits there and continues to get shot while waiting for a response from the soup can. Suddenly, Rose intercepts the transmission.)
Rose: Jack, what are you doing?! You're going to get yourself killed!
Raiden: Not now, I'm waiting to talk to the soup can!
Rose: …? Soup can? Jack, have you been puffing the magic dragon again?
Raiden: What?! No!! I quit days ago!! Now get out of here, the soup can is saying something to me!
Rose: But Jack --
(Raiden cuts out Rose.)
Soup Can: …
Raiden: Yes?
Soup Can: … … … …
Raiden: Uh huh…
Soup Can: …
Raiden: …?
Soup Can: …
Raiden: Okay then!
(Somehow, by the love of God and the "magic" of the soup can, Raiden lives long enough to get to Vamp.)
Raiden: Vamp! I've come here to destroy you once and for all!
Vamp: How did you find me? I was sure that parrot would entertain you for hours! You know, you could go back and forth repeating each other… It would be a blast for someone as stupid as you!
Raiden: Stupid?
Vamp: There you go repeating things again! Don't you have a mind of your own?
Raiden: Mind of my own?
Vamp: Argh!! Enough, let's fight!!
(Raiden and Vamp start fighting. Eventually, Raiden's bullets are gone and Vamp is still going strong. He only has one option left, to throw his last grenade.)
Raiden: Take this you blood-sucking freak!!
(Raiden throw the grenade… which is actually the soup can he'd been talking to. As soon as it touches Vamp, it explodes into a huge mushroom cloud. For some odd reason, Vamp has a mysterious nuclear reaction with Campbell's soup cans.)
Raiden: Soup Can!! NOO!!!
(Raiden races to the scene, where Chicken Noodle soup is covering the ground. Raiden starts crying and rubs his hands all in it.)
Raiden: No… Soupy… You were such a conversationalist… We used to talk for hours on end… And you were so smart. Way smarter than me anyway…
(As Raiden is sobbing over his misfortune, Snake walks up behind him.)
Snake: What… are you doing?
Raiden: Mourning over Colonel Campbell… sniffle
Snake: You do realize that's just was just a can of condensed soup. Colonel Campbell is back at the base, safe and sound.
Raiden: No he isn't!!
Snake: Yes he is! I can prove it to you. I'll call him on the Codec.
Raiden: Then explain this!!
(Raiden holds up part of the can label, which reads Campbell.)
Snake: shakes his head You are such a moron…
Raiden: Moron?
Snake: And stop repeating what I say! Stop repeating what everyone says! In fact… just shut up!!!
(Raiden sniffles some more and stands up, a lone noodle in his hand.)
Raiden: C'mon Colonel… I'll give you a proper burial…
Noodle: Hey Raiden, did you hear about the purple stuffed worm in flap jaw space?
(Raiden's eyes widen.)
Raiden: Oh my God, a talking noodle ghost!!!
(Raiden screams like a chick, throws the noodle, and runs off. Suddenly, the real Colonel Campbell comes out from behind a pile of boxes and approaches Snake, giving him a high five.)
Colonel: Hahahaha… that was a good one. I didn't think it would work, but you were
right. That Raiden is dumber than a sack of peanuts.
Snake: Yeah, I know… Too bad Rose isn't that stupid or else that naked ploy would've really come in handy…
Colonel: Yeah… She is one hot chick!!!
Snake: You wouldn't look twice at Rosemary… Would you?
Colonel: Who needs to look twice? Screw Raiden!!
Snake: …… I'm speechless…