Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by
"I love you…Claire…" Steve Burnside's voice grew to just a whisper and faltered, taking in his last breath. He gazed lovingly at me one last time, then his eyes slowly began to close, finally embracing Death…
Three months have already passed, but I still can't forget about Steve. Everyday, when I open my eyes in the morning, the haunting memory plays over and over again in my mind, or maybe what was left of it. Guilt and self-pity were both eating away at my soul, leaving me numb, transforming me into a human puppet…I can't even think straight these days!
Why does this have to happen to him? To all of the people infected with the virus? Why do we have to see the horrors Umbrella had done? WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE US? These questions and a lot more remain unanswered in my head. I'm tired of looking for answers that seem so out of reach…I want to forget everything…Umbrella…Raccoon City…the Birkins…Leon…Rockfort Island…The Ashfords…and Steve.
I felt tears forming in my eyes. God, here we go again. How sensitive can I get? I reached for a tissue in the dark, knocking off a teddy bear Leon gave me in the process. It held a red heart with the words 'I Love You' in big bold letters. The words Steve had said before he died.
I've been searching deep down in my soulWords that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
I picked up the bear. Then his voice rang again in my ears.
"I love you…"No…not again. Not him…I'm sick of hearing those words over and over again. I glanced over at the bedside table. The digital clock read 11:36. It's not midnight yet. No need to panic if ever Steve's ghost comes passing through the door. I sighed and pulled the covers up to my chin. Then I drifted off to sleep…
I was standing in a void. A black empty place where I don't even see the floor. I only see…me. Like there was some light above fixed just on me. The silence around me was deafening. Then someone whispered. "I love you…Claire…" it sounded suspiciously like Steve."Steve? Steve, is that you?" I tried to feel for his body in the dark…for his soothing warmth…
"Steve, where are you?" Then I found him. He was illuminated too…I can see him clearly amidst the infinite darkness. He looked deathly pale. He smiled at me, then repeated what he said.
"I love you…" then he slowly closed his eyes. I knelt beside the limp figure and cradled his head in my arms.
"Steve…don't die on me…please…" I managed to say before I broke down in tears. Then his body disappeared as mysteriously as it came.
And I saidGoodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
"Nnnnnnnnooooooooo!!!"
Chris burst through the door and held me close.
"It's okay, Claire, it's okay. I'm here."
"It's Steve…he's dead…" I was in hysterics. It can't be okay. I can't be okay. I want to see Steve again…I want to say that I loved him too…but it's too late. He's dead…what's the point in living if what I consider worth living for is dead? I want to die…I want to rest and forget everything…
"Claire, everything will be alright. I promise."
Promises are made to be broken. Promises meant hoping for nothing…everything will never be the same again.
"You can't bring him back," I whispered. I want to go back in time…I want to save him…or at least say goodbye.
I didn't even say goodbye to him then…
And even in my dream, I lost the opportunity to say goodbye to him…again.
I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right
I breathed in the crisp autumn air and made myself comfortable on the bench. I rarely went out of the house since Antarctica…but after I poured out all of the pent-up emotions inside me to my brother last night, I felt a heavy load lift itself from my heart. And now, here I am, sitting at the park, still blaming myself over Steve's death. I closed my eyes and tried to remember his face. His eyes…they were as blue as the sea…maybe even bluer. I can't tell exactly. His lips…that rarely smiles…that I want to kiss. Then his hair…his reddish-brown hair that I wanted to touch…to brush away from his eyes…God, he was so perfect…and so dead.
My eyes flew open. Can't I even forget about him for a day? Can't I even live my life for a day without thinking about him?
"Claire? Is that really you?" a male voice made me jump.
"Leon?"
"The one and only…it's a surprise to see you here sitting like a normal person…like the Claire I used to know…"
"I'm still the Claire you know," I muttered.
"Are you really? You were strong. You never let these kinds of things bother you. You have a good brother, and you lived a good life. And yet it took just one person to ruin it all for you. Does this sound like Claire to you?" I didn't answer. He was right. I didn't sound like that now at all. I can't believe that I've changed for the worst, and I didn't even do something about it.
"No…" I felt tears sting my eyes. I bowed and blinked furiously to force it back all in. I can't let Leon see I'm becoming more of a crybaby everyday. No, sir. But he seemed to see it anyway. He sat down beside me and held me close. His warmth was so comforting that I felt somewhat safe in his arms. He sighed. Then he spoke up.
"Let him go, Claire. Let go of Steve."
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
"If he could see you now, he'd probably get mad at you for being so weak. Hey," he wiped the tears from my eyes and stroked my hair, "Crying won't do you any good. You think you're the only one affected by his death? He means as much to me as he does to you."
"How…you don't even know him. How can you say that?"
"He must be very special—one of a kind—for you to miss him even after he passed away three months ago."
I looked at him. Why does he have to be right always? My eyes wandered to his face. If you look at him at this range, he was unutterably handsome. His eyes have the deepest shade of blue imaginable. He also has this lopsided grin that I grew to love…and that I didn't see in Steve. He always keeps one eye hidden by his brown hair, and that gives him a rakish look that makes women go gaga over him…sometimes even me.
"You've tormented yourself long enough, Claire…isn't now the time for you to let him go?" he asked.
"H-huh?" Man, I can't believe I was looking at him like a lovesick puppy. I was still in high school when I was last like this. "Um…I don't know."
He sighed again. "I know you can't forget him, and I'm not telling you to. But you have to let go. The person you loved the most is gone, yes, but that's not reason enough for the world to stop turning…for time to stop moving. You have your own life to live. And it's God's responsibility to manage all of us."
For the first time in three months, I smiled. "Are you planning to be a priest sometime?"
"Surely you jest…no, just being me."
"Your words of wisdom sure helped me…thank you." And I hugged him tightly to show my gratitude. He gave me that lopsided grin of his, and hugged me back.
And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time
"Hey, is this real gold?" Leon touched the gold lugers I got from Rockfort Island. He was in my room, just doing nothing a while ago, now meddling with my things.
"Put that down."
"Easy…geez, I was just touching it…"
"It belonged to Steve once. Now I don't know what to do with it…keep it, or bury it?" I glanced at him, waiting for an answer.
"So you mean, it has a sentimental value…I think you should keep it."
Then I finally came to a decision. I took the gold lugers from Leon and placed them neatly in my shoebox-sized jewelry box. I went to our garden and buried the box in the earth two feet deep, then I finally covered up the hole. I added a rose plant to it as an explanation for the turned-up earth (I don't want Chris to know). After all the tedious work with no help from Leon, the openmouthed guy that looked like a total idiot, I prayed silently to the mound.
'May this rose plant be your connection to me. Choose a man whom I should and shall love in time…I don't know how you do it, but do something. I did it too to remember you by…so I won't forget you even if I let go. I still love you…' I finally stopped. If I went on, I might unearth the whole thing up again. It's lost now…like Steve is. It feels like I'm not ready to let go yet…I'm afraid to let go. But I have to. I turned my back and looked up at the orange-, red-, and purple-tinted sky.
"Goodbye, Steve…Goodbye to you."
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
It's already Valentine's Day, yet I don't have a valentine to get mushy on to…eeewww, even if I did have a valentine, I'd have to be dead before you could see me get mushy straight on.
"Hey, look what you've got this Valentine's Day!" Leon cried excitedly as he barged through the front door.
"Came from the mail?" I asked as I looked at the items Leon handed me, completely puzzled.
"Nope. All of them gave those to me as I passed on my way to your house."
'All of them' referred to Jill, who gave me a photo album of guys that are available and willing to date; Sherry, who gave me a Valentine card; Rebecca, who sent a box full of heart-shaped cookies she baked herself; Carlos, who sent a heart-shaped box of chocolates; and Barry, who gave me a CD of love songs sung by various artists.
"Wow…I never knew they cared for me this deep…"
"What did your brother Chris give you?" Leon asked.
"A brotherly hug and some words of wisdom before he left for work…how about you?"
"Darn! I should have thought of that…well, anyway, here's my present…Happy Valentine's, Claire."
Leon handed me a bouquet of roses.
"Leon…you're so sweet. Thank you," I answered appreciatively.
"I bought some of that…the others I got from the garden…remember the rose that you planted?"
That made me look up at him suddenly. Unless I'm pretty much mistaken, he said something about the rose I planted months ago. Did Steve really hear my prayer?
"What?"
"The other roses in there were from the garden. I thought I should pluck out a few for you to remember Steve by…is it okay?"
I've never smiled this broadly before…nor have I hugged another person so tightly in months.
"Leon…thank you for everything."
And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star
"What do you think the stars have in store for us?" Leon asked me as we sat at the balcony to stargaze. We have already announced our love for each other, and presently, we're here just to be in each other's company.
"I thought you didn't believe in those…you said it was God's responsibility to manage all of us," I replied disbelievingly.
Leon chuckled. "Hey, I can't help it if I'm a bit primitive sometimes…besides, isn't it fun if we put our fate in the stars' hands for once?"
"No, it isn't…hey, that group of stars look vaguely like a giraffe," I pointed at the dark blue sky.
"You're right…I think that's called a Camelopardalis…yeah, I think that's the name."
"How do you know that?" Man, whenever I thought I finally figured him out, he surprises me again. I guess I just have to know him better.
"I've been stargazing long enough to know all the names of all the constellations…" There goes that lopsided grin again. If this goes on and on, I'd probably melt.
"Hey, look! It's a shooting star!" Leon cried out excitedly.
"Quick, make a wish!" I teased.
"I wish that Claire and I will be married someday," he prayed childishly, and then he laughed. "How about you?"
"I wish that Steve is happy…wherever he is now, and that everything will be in its place someday."
Leon pouted. "No wish for our marriage?"
I laughed. "We can wait for the next shooting star to pass," I suggested. Leon held me close and kissed my forehead.
"No need…as long as we believe in each other no matter what, miracles are bound to happen."
Author's Notes: Yay!!!!!! It's finally finished! After a week of writer's block…I have to start another songfic. Thanks to everyone (to Cezar/Ares and Abby, and to Strife-07 especially, for being my inspiration in this story, may her love life be my inspiration for others that are bound to come) and I'll be back again someday…hehehe. Sorry if there are a few mistakes (I'm not really that good in English…only good. I'm not an American, you see…just a Filipina) but I'll make it up next time. Thanks to all of you for inspiring me and reading this story up to this rubbish, may you be inspired to write a fanfic again (or write a fanfic, if you haven't written one yet) and…yeah, I have to go now. Once again, thanks to all!!!