AGAIN
Chapter One: Bottom Crash
Suze
Hell.
Back at the Mission, Sister Ernestine used to talk a lot about Hell… and Faith… back then I never thought twice about it. Silly me, I should have… back then I had Faith, and I guess faith is one of those things you don't really know you had until you lose it.
I know I've lost my faith. Why is that you ask? Because for the last five years I've been living in hell. And let me tell you something they always get wrong in stories, you know, biblical ones: There aren't flames all over, no one is standing anywhere with that giant-fork-thingy poking you around… it isn't even hot. Actually, is very cold, so cold that sometimes I think my blood has frozen in my veins. Oh, yeah, the Devil is here… in the shape of my husband Paul Slater… but other than that, Hell isn't like most people image it to be.
And the worst part is that I chose this particular hell… I willingly married Paul, the day after we graduated from high school. Not to say it wasn't all part of one of his evil schemes, because it was… only that I knew what I was doing… or I thought I did.
Paul said it was a fair deal, my life for Jesse's and I believed him… I still do, Jesse deserves happiness and he certainly deserves better than me. Paul said he would bring Jesse back to life if I married him… and so I did.
Jesse left me, of course.
Jesse thought I had cheated on him… I don't blame him.
Maybe I didn't cheat but I certainly lied to him.
Graduation night, our last night together… we had just made love and as I was laying there with him when I started to cry. Jesse asked what was wrong. I said everything was fine. Then -this part I remember so well- he cupped my chin and made me look at him and I know he saw in my eyes that I was lying but he didn't say anything, just kissed me softly.
Back then Jesse still had faith in me; he believed I would tell him when I was ready… Only that the next time I saw him after that night he was alive… and I was Paul's wife.
"Suze?" I hear Paul call from the bedroom. "Is that you in the bathroom?"
"Yes." I yelled back.
"Come to bed already. I have to wake up early in the morning, some of us have to work, you know."
'Like that's my fault' I wanted to yell, though I had gotten my psychology major at NoCal Paul didn't exactly let me get a job, he said I should stay at home since he was rich and could provide more than enough for both of us. My only responsibility was to bee a good Stepford Wife.
I wanted to yell that and so many other things… I just wanted to yell, cry out letting out all the despair I felt inside but I didn't. "I'll be right out." I answered.
I vaguely heard him utter a 'Whatever' and roll in bed… Paul always falls asleep right after sex… That's just as well with me… I always take a shower after having sex with him… though I know I might shower all I want; I'll never be clean again… not until I stop returning to bed right next to him.
Before I turn off the light I see myself in the mirror… I look like a ghost now… I have that haunted, empty look that ghosts get when they die all too suddenly. There is nothing left of happy, carefree Suze Simon… no, is Mrs. Slater now.
Funny how back when I was sixteen, Paul used to say that he had never intended to kill me… by leaving me up there in shadowland… well, Paul has been killing me slowly for the last five years… whereas he meant it or not. And the sad part is that I don't care enough like to run away. I know there is nothing he could do if I chose to divorce him, he could try to scare me into not divorce him but I think even he knows that there is nothing I've left to lose.
With Jesse gone I just don't see the point of getting out of this marriage… what for?
It's past midnight when the phone rings. Out of instinct I grab the phone before it rings again… better don't wake up Paul again… he gets cranky and that only means trouble for me.
"Hello?" I said, trying to sound normal… no one answers; all I can hear is the sound of steady breathing on the other side…
'Help' I want to say, 'Help me, please, help me. I'm so far into de dark that I don't even remember how light looks like. Help me."
"Hello?" I repeat… I can almost feel like the person on the other end of line is about to talk, to give me a cue so everything inside spills out and I try to hold my breath while I hear that steady breathing at the other end.
One heartbeat… Two…
And then busy signal…
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Jesse
"Hello?" Susannah's voice asked.
I can almost feel like she is going to talk, like she knows is me.
"Hello?" She repeats. Her voice isn't like I remember it… it sounds fake…
One heartbeat… Two…
I slammed the phone down.
I know I shouldn't have called, it's one in the morning and there was a big chance that bastardo picked up the phone. But I couldn't help myself.
I needed to tell her how sorry I was… she needed to know…
When Jack told me the truth a few months ago, I couldn't believe it… only that it was the only thing that made sense. And I wanted to say to Susannah how sorry I was for all the things I said five years ago… the last time I saw her, the first day of the rest of my life.
I had short called her a whore… told her she disgusted me and told her I would never forgive her for marring that Slater… Only that it turned out the only reason why she married him was so I could live again.
I was so blinded by my rage, and so hurt by all the love I felt for her that I couldn't see things for what they were. If I still loved her, I wasn't sure.
Five years had passed, I was different… if the sound of her voice was any indicative, she was different too.
But still… I had to right things up with Susannah… if not for love for friendship.
Long before she told me she loved me, Susannah told me I was the first real friend she had made in California... And she most definitely had been the first real friend I had had in a century and a half… And when it came down to it I didn't even let her explain… I jumped into conclusions and dishonored that friendship.
"Dr. De Silva?" I heard Caitlin, the head of nurses call at my back.
I snapped out of memory lane right away, I was at work, I had to stay focus.
"Yes?"
"The labs on your trauma patient are back…"
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Suze
Crying…
Crying was not an option… A couple of years ago, when Is till had tears left, and Paul had caught me crying he had made pretty clear I had no reason to cry… a couple of times he had even slapped me across the face so I would "Snap out of it already", as he put it.
He didn't hit me again after I stopped crying, sometimes he looked like he wanted to but it never went farter than he giving me a push or gripping my arm a little bit too hard… but that was before… back when I still had some fight in me.
I don't anymore. I'm Paul's little puppet and he knows it.
Somewhere during the past five years I stopped fighting… I stopped fighting when I realized it hurt less…
Words still hurt… but words have never broken bones… right?
Yeah, right. They had never broken bones… but the scars ran much more deeper.
"We are going to the charity ball at the Resort." Paul told me before he went to work. "See if you can look presentable. Last time my boss did mention you looked a bit sick."
"Okay." I answered stirring the coffee I knew I wouldn't drink.
"And eat a little would you?" He added from across the table. Mechanically I took a bite of the toast in front of me. Paul sighed angrily. "Suze, I'm not playing games and you know it." He said with a smile, but I could hear the menace in his voice.
I didn't answer; I just continued to chew on the toast. Paul stood up; his chair nearly fell backwards because of the sudden movement. Then he went out and slammed the door… I knew that when he got back home that afternoon I was going to get one hell of a trash talk…That's what he did sometimes… remind me how low… how little I was worth, not that I needed reminding… those thoughts rarely left my mind. But I guess he expected me to be grateful at him for keeping me even when I was worth nothing.
Why did Paul kept me I did not know…
I was thinking in that as I was cleaning the dishes after breakfast.
It wasn't the first time, you know. It had happened sometimes in the past… Suddenly I felt like I couldn't breathe… like a big hand was gripping my throat closing up my wind pipe. My heart started to beat fast, as if I were some frightened little rabbit in front of a wolf. All my senses went in alert mode, waiting… waiting… waiting…
Waiting till it was okay to run and hide… only that I never did run.
I was shaking all over… Indescribable panic running all through me…
If only I could breathe… Just breathe…
Here is what I remember before everything went black:
Cold… I was so cold. I couldn't breathe… at once everything hurt though I felt numb inside.
First the glass I was washing fell off my hand, shattering into a thousand pieces… I saw them catch the light - a thousand little sparkles of light- as I fell to the ground.
Everything went black…
'I must be dead' I told myself, 'Is so peaceful here, I must be dead. Please, let me stay here… whoever you are… if you're in charge let me stay here.'
Then I heard it… that little voice I never told anyone about… the one that, when I first landed on Carmel, told me to give Jesse time… that he would come around.
I don't know whose voice it was… it was neither masculine nor feminine, soft or over powering… it just… was…"You can stay here if you want to," the voice said. "But, is this the best ending you can give?" There was a pause.
"Have you loved enough?"
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End Of chapter One.
Notes (brought to you by Crazy, lovable, sweet, little me):
Okay, first of all this fic is kinda weird... but I want to dedicate it to jd cuz she ordered me to put any other bunny plot that came to me so here it is :)
Anyway, please leave any coments you might have
Much Love
CrazyClavie