A/N: I like Hiei. I do. It's just… ((shrugs shoulders helplessly)) this was bothering me for days on end, until I just had to write it up. ((sighs happily)) It's finally off my mind! W00t!
Dedication: To bishies who fight without shirts. Also dedicated to other bishies who latch onto those aforementioned bishies in rather possessive holds. Finally, dedicated to the really, really bad Self Insert stories in the YYH world. I don't think I've ever run across more – except maybe in Gundam Wing. ((pats the reader on the back)) But it's not your story, of course. It's the other ones.
Warnings: Slight shonen-ai. But just near the end. And is it Kurama/Hiei or Hiei/Kurama? Does it matter as long as they're making the fangirls happy?
Disclaimer: I am a self-proclaimed fangirl. Therefore, by the rules of physics, it is impossible for me to own any bishies. ((grumbles)) Something about ruining the natural order of creation, or some cheap reason like that…. XD
Title: Hiei's Humorously Crappy Day (AKA: My brain wasn't working at this hour and pulled something out of midair!)
Hiei, spunkiest little fire demon in the three worlds, slept contentedly on a tall oak in the human world.
He snored – just slightly.
A few seconds passed before a springtime robin delicately perched on his fire-shaped hair, chirping innocently to greet the sunrise. The movement disturbed previously undisturbed air currents and Hiei woke with a snort and a start, his hand already lunging for his precious, precious shiny sword to chop apart the … threat.
A metre away to his left, the window suddenly opened, startling the robin away. A redhead poked his immaculately groomed head out, a smile lighting his face to shine brighter than the sun itself. (Though, admittedly, this was not as astounding as it sounded because, as previously hinted, the sun was certainly not all that prominent at that time of the morning.)
"Hiei!" the flame-coloured-hair bishonen called out. "Good morning!"
"Hn."
"Would you like to come in for breakfast? I've made some poached eggs."
"Hn."
… Well, it's certainly obvious that Hiei doesn't exactly make up for his short stature with witty repartee, isn't it? Nonetheless, despite his shortcomings (pun definitely intended) – such as his willy-nilly disregard towards his body in trying to do consecutive summonings of a certain dark, demonic dragon in under two hours, or cutting off his arm to kill someone else, or even to somehow pay no heed to the advances of a certain plant-master bishie-youkai which you just know are there - … where was I? Oh, right. Despite Hiei's many, many flaws, he did have an amazing fighting technique. In addition to his stubborn pigheaded determination that everlastedly fuelled his fighting spirit, Hiei would do something that would create pause in even the most advanced fighting masters – in fact, especially in the most advanced fighting masters.
He would… Smirk. Not just a regular smirk, but a full-blown, ought-to-be-copyrighted Smirk of such promise that those on its receiving end shivered unconsciously for fear of their lives.
"Hiei?" Kurama was still talking, disregarding the narrative backflow and the plot's obvious foreshadowing. "Did you want to come in?"
Hiei favoured Kurama with a bored glare. "No."
"But mother's away and I always like to eat breakfast with someone."
Hiei snorted and looked away. "Hn." Briefly, he wondered if he should perhaps point out that he was not the Kitsune's mother (and therefore not subject to similar obligations), but the last time he'd done that, he'd wound up nearly naked – all so Kurama could "study his anatomy." Mentally, he rolled his eyes. Sometimes the Fox could be so dumb. Wasn't it obvious that he was a guy? Maybe it was his black robe…
Kurama smiled engagingly, "I'll give you some ice cream…" he promised.
Hiei perked up. Well, that was more like it! He smirked automatically, turning back to face the fox. He opened his mouth to accept … and froze in confusion at Kurama's expression.
The fox was equally frozen, though his look showed complete surprise at something… before it melted into what Hiei had mentally classed as the "fangirl expression" – usually worn by the silly human girls that followed in Kurama's wake.
What…?
He pursed his lips. "What?" he questioned gruffly.
The brusque noise seemed to jar Kurama out of whatever random weirdness he'd partaken in. With a shiver and a shake, the former master thief returned from wherever he'd been. "…huh? Oh! Oh, Hiei! I – I mean…" Temporarily thrown, emerald eyes blinked lustrous confusion. "What?"
"What?"
"What?"
A tumbleweed blew slowly by on the ground below as the two bishonen stared at each other in never-openly-admitted confusion. Finally, Kurama shrugged and moved aside. "Do you want to come in?"
"Hn."
Entrance was gained and breakfast was eaten without further incident. It was only when Hiei had started shifting "discreetly" towards the door… errr, window, that Kurama frowned consideratingly. Something about Hiei's expression from before was bothering him. He'd always hoped that such an expression could exist, but that Hiei would reveal it so easily…
"Hiei? About before…"
Hiei looked away. "Drop it, fox." Whatever had happened before was of no importance. Besides, it didn't involve Yukina or personal threat, and so Hiei didn't care.
Kurama smiled persuasively. "Humour an old fox, then. Come here for a minute?"
Ignoring the request (as was his wont), the "petite demon" (1) furrowed his eyebrows and shot Kurama a look. "You're not that old. Certainly not older than me."
"Aren't I?" Kurama replied. With that enigmatic statement, the topic was dropped – all for the best, really, because the age issue of these two has ever been unclear in the author's mind, and she couldn't have properly portrayed anything resembling an In-Character answer if she'd continued that particular banter. ((sheepish grin))
"You startled me this morning," Kurama continued, once again ignoring (or overriding) the backtone of the story.
Hiei's inner self recoiled in shock: Kurama? Startled? Such occurrences were about as often as a blue moon! Outwardly, he merely blinked. "Hn."
"If you could smile again like this morning…?" Kurama prodded. His emerald-laden eyes shimmered in anticipation.
"Why should I?"
Kurama pouted, his luscious lower lip filling out even more; subsequently, the overall irresistibility of his person skyrocketed exponentially. Even Hiei (who was about as hormone-charged as a rock) felt uncomfortable, as if he should feel ashamed that he was not doing something to that lip…
He rolled his eyes instead, and acquiesced. The resulting disappointment from the shonen-ai readers of the story lessened somewhat when Hiei Smirked. Kurama gasped again, one hand fluttering up to cover his mouth (which was wide enough to let in a whole swarm of bees and their hive), then he blindly grasped for a nearby mirror.
"Hiei! Look!" he exclaimed – and suddenly Hiei was face to face with his own reflection. He automatically flinched; his nature as Forbidden Child (a cool name in itself) had made him unwilling to see himself in any reflecting surface. After all, what pride did he have to take in his appearance? All his vaguely worthy qualities came from within – his strength, the energy to summon his overfried dinosaur (2), his skill with a sword…
But! None of Hiei's internal angst mattered because this is a humour story! More importantly, though, was something critically wrong with Hiei's Smirk! Oh, the plot-intensifying drama!
Hiei's eyes widened. His Smirk… had become… a smile. It wasn't just any smile, either, but one that beamed trustingly out at the world. It seemed to come straight from Hiei's singular happy moment of childhood (you know, before there was that huge fight and he got tossed off the cliff). It was even more stunning than Kurama's smexy, true-youkai self, because it looked breathtakingly, gloriously, simply, heartfelt.
And it happened every time Hiei smirked.
Two Hours Later
Hiei had taken to glaring furious embers at anyone who so much as glanced in his direction. His face was twisted in a furious snarl and his fingers kept spasmodically twitching in the direction of his sword. Ignoring the tic in his eye that was worsening by the second, Hiei focussed all of his attention on the group in the centre of the room. If he heard so much as even a chuckle, he swore to himself that they would all die. He would cut them into itty-bitty pieces (even smaller than himself!) with his shiny, shiny sword. He was not to be made a laughingstock of!
If he'd had his way, Hiei would have solved this mystery by himself. But Kurama had insisted (and then, when that hadn't worked, he'd pouted. Kurama's pout was more persuasive than a sword at the throat) on involving the Detective and that fool Kuwabara. Hiei snorted. Kuwabaka was more like it.
And so here he was, fuming darkly in a corner, while Kurama took the liberty of explaining Hiei's "condition" (aka: life crisis) to the others. (Doesn't that make him sound like he's pregnant? Ewww.) After a second's thought, Hiei opened his Jagan eye. If he saw even a hint of humour in their auras…
Hiei planned their screaming deaths in his mind. When he reached Kuwabara's, he smirked at the thought.
At that moment, Botan and Yukina chose to saunter through the door, back from whatever event-unrelated-to-the-plot they'd just engaged in. As they moved to greet the assembled men, their eyes fell on the superficially adorable "smirking" Hiei.
"Hiei…?" Botan whispered, shocked.
The demon in question shot her a glance, still absorbed in plotting the eventual death of his team. His smirk slipped a bit as the new presence in the room distracted him briefly.
Suddenly confronted with a sweetly smiling, innocent looking Hiei (and completely missing the hard rage in his eyes), the two simply … fainted dead away.
Kuwabara freaked accordingly, while Yusuke started snickering. Kurama merely looked thoughtful at this aftermath, placing a hand on his chin in his consideration. "Oh, my. Maybe we could put duct tape over his mouth?"
Yusuke grinned. "To stop the use of such an ultimate weapon! Feel the fear of Hiei's trusting smile!"
He probably would have said something more, but was interrupted by a dark smoke that began billowing throughout the room. A quick glance confirmed his suspicions: Hiei had the bandages half-unwrapped already, and that black scary-cool smoke was surging upwards and outwards from his arm.
Yusuke threw up his hands in surrender. "Dude! Chill! Sorry!"
Hiei continued to seethe, but calmed down rapidly when Kurama hastily offered a chocolate-mint triple cone. Mollified, Hiei grabbed it, then indulged himself as he relaxed. For a few minutes, there was nothing but the softly slurping sounds as Hiei licked enthusiastically at his treat. Kurama and Yusuke shared a significant glance as they took in the chaos around them. Smoke still wafted through the air, making Yukina's nose itch at its noxious odour, as she lay comatose in Kuwabara's arms. Kuwabara hovered anxiously, but any minute now he was going to start yelling at Hiei. Hiei would feel guilty but offended, effectively straining team relations even further than they normally were.
Resolve filtered into Yusuke and Kurama's eyes simultaneously. They had to get Hiei's Smirk back! They just had to! If not for the sake of the world, then for the sake of the plot! Who knew what would happen if Hiei's trusting smile took the place of his Smirk!
Yusuke had a vision:
"Your full demon's strength will become mine!" The lumbering, evil-looking demon screamed. His long black hair flew dramatically around him as he lunged forwards. "I've got you now!" (3)
Hiei dodged the initial attacks, then faced him almost casually. "Do you now?" he asked ominously, his arm already whipping his diamond blade around in an intricate dance of death. Assured of victory, he let (what he thought was) his smirk travel across his face.
The black-haired evil bishie paused as he was hit with a trusting, blinding smile. Overwhelmed, he dropped his guard and stopped in his tracks. "Oh! Aren't you cute?" he gushed. "I'm going to pet you and feed you and call you George!" (4)
Hiei lunged and sliced the half-demon in… well, half… but the damage to his dignity had already been done…
Yusuke shuddered. "And then he'd get nicknames like 'Babyface' Hiei," he cried. "He'd never live that down, and would end up killing everyone in the three worlds to overcompensate for lost masculine dignity!"
Kurama indulged in a brief smirk of his own. "Although with a name like 'Babyface Hiei,' who could blame him?"
Across the room, Hiei stilled in shock. He'd been interrupted from frozen delicacy-related bliss by a sudden flare in humour in Yusuke and Kurama's auras. Instantly on the alert, he shot a suspicious glance over at the two – only to see Kurama's smirk.
The ice cream dropped to the floor, unheeded, as Hiei darted across the room in fury. "You!" he shouted, jumping up to grab Kurama's collar menacingly. "You stole my Smirk! Give it back!"
Futilely, Kurama attempted to bat away the fingers that were scrabbling around his mouth. "What are you talking about?" he shouted, annoyed – and turned on by Hiei's warm body pressed suddenly so closely against his. Annoyed desire, Kurama reflected abstractly, wasn't a very fun mixture. He cursed the sex-fiend part of his youko self. (5)
Their auras flared and mixed as they continued to battle it out on the floor. Yusuke watched all this in shock for half a second, then waded in to the fray.
"Stop it, you two! Cut it out!" Knowing Hiei wouldn't stop except by force, he blasted a rei-gun a foot above them. Kurama and Hiei froze in tableau, both eyes snapping towards him in shock. Hiei sat on Kurama's chest, one hand in the act of drawing out his sword, the other hand clenched around Kurama's jaw. Kurama, on the other hand, had one arm pushing Hiei back, the other was grabbing for his rose whip. His legs jerked to a stop, in the middle of performing a move that would have flung Hiei across the room.
Yusuke put his hands on his hips. "How could Kurama have stolen your Smirk anyway?"
Hiei glared, defiant. "He was a thief," he muttered sullenly. "He could steal anything."
Kurama looked nonplussed, despite his undignified posture on the floor. "You may have noticed I haven't stolen anything in two decades. Mother wouldn't approve." He sniffed, offended.
Yusuke blinked in shock at Kurama's answer. "… riight…" he managed. "Besides, Hiei," he gathered himself, "you know we're all on the same side."
Kurama nodded emphatically. "It had to have been done by someone else." He pursed his lips in thought. "Probably someone with a lot of magic. How else would you steal a facial expression?"
Through all this, Hiei continued his hold on Kurama. A minute or two later, he snorted and rose. "Hn. Don't copy my expression, fox." He snorted again (because you can never snort too much!) and looked away.
Kurama smiled tolerantly. "It's alright, Hiei. I forgive you."
The plot would have probably plodded along further at this point, but the author suddenly realized she had been neglecting Kuwabara. Whoops. Let's fix that, shall we?
So! As the three contrived a method to tack down the true culprit, Kuwabara stared forlornly at the unconscious ice maiden in his arms. Her frailty touched his heart yet firmed his strength. He had failed to protect her before from the onslaught (of Hiei's adorably winning smile, but let's ignore that part). He vowed, on his honour as a man, that he would not fail her again.
As his hands shook with suppressed emotion, Yukina slowly regained consciousness. "Ku… Kuwabara…?" she murmured, her eyes fluttering.
Cue the sparkly, bubbly, romantic background.
"Yu-Yukina!" Kuwabara exclaimed. "You're ok? I'm so glad!"
Yukina offered a tiny smile. "I'm never in any danger when you're around," she whispered, blushing prettily.
Kuwabara's heart swelled to the size of a cow. He opened his mouth to stammer out something – but we don't care anymore because it's time to switch to the fight scene! Dun dun duuuun!
… Well, almost.
The four males walked in unison over to a rural park.
"And this is where the demon lives?"
Hiei nodded, silent in fury.
Kuwabara looked confused, so Kurama explained. "That's where Hiei's Jagan picked up enormous magical waves."
Kuwabara firmed his jaw. "So what do we know about this monster?"
"That he's about to die," Hiei seethed from between clenched teeth.
Yusuke grinned. "You think?"
Hiei began to growl as his rage rattled his vocal cords.
Kurama turned the corner, and the time for talk was over. "We're here," he said succinctly, proving the author's "no talk" statement erroneous. (The big meanie.)
In the centre of the park, a robin cheeped innocently at them, then started to flutter away when it caught sight of their expressions.
Kurama narrowed his eyes. "Masking your form won't save you!" he shouted. "Rose Whip!" The thorny vine slashed the birdie in two with ease, and the two halves dropped limply to the ground.
A silent moment passed.
Finally, Kuwabara coughed nervously. "Ah, Kurama? Do you suppose that might have just been a regular robin?"
Kurama frowned. "But I was so sure…" he murmured.
"Wa ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha!" A mechanical laugh started up to their right. "You fell for my trap!" The brushes rustled as a figure stepped smoothly from behind them.
… Or tried to. Kurama wasn't impressed in the slightest, and was silently encouraging the branches to grow thorns and tangle themselves around the figure. After several moments of muttered cursing and painful wincing, the figure clumsily stumbled into view.
It had to be one of the oddest creatures in the three worlds. Its head was box-like, while its body was pink and sludge-like. Instead of arms, hands, and fingers, it had two thick tentacles, which sprouted off into many ends, resembling swarms of pink eels. It didn't have feet, as such, but instead glided around on (if Yusuke didn't know better) what looked like a skateboard. Its chin was covered in spoke-like gills, which fluttered in the dramatic breeze that had suddenly sprung up.
Whoosh.
The only thing it wore was a long white tank-top with letters on it. The message these proclaimed, however, shifted every few seconds and remained constantly blurry. If Yusuke squinted, he could just make out the current sign, which went along the lines of "KxH 3 4-3/4h!" (6) which made no sense.
It wobbled forwards a bit. "Gloop!" it proclaimed. "I am the androgynous Plot Contrivance monster!" To a chorus of confused snorts/grunts, it continued, "It was I who stole the petite demon's Smirk! Reclaim it if you dare!" Then, to Hiei's utter horror, the Plot Contrivance monster Smirked – using his Smirk!
Hiei growled and started forwards, only to be restrained by Kurama's outstretched arm.
"Wait, Hiei!" Kurama murmured intensely. "I've heard of this monster! It can manipulate the immediate world around it to change events!"
Hiei glared. "So can I, fox. It's called killing it."
During this revealing interaction between the two (which obviously demonstrated how Kurama and Hiei were made for each other), Kuwabara lunged forwards. "Yaaargh!" he yelled, bravely.
The monster only cackled and waved its tentacles. The air around it shimmered and suddenly it was on the other side of the clearing. Kuwabara stumbled to a stop at the loss of his target and looked about in confusion. "I didn't even see it move!" he exclaimed in that manner that heroes have of talking out loud about their thoughts.
"Of course you didn't, you fool!" the monster cackled some more. "And now… for my attack!" It wheezed a bit, and then suddenly Kurama felt himself growing faint. With only a slight cough, the normally (near) indestructible bishonen fell to the muddy ground with an inelegant thump.
"Kurama!" Yusuke yelled.
"Fox?" Hiei questioned softly (not because he was horrified or anything, but because Kurama was right beside him and there wasn't any real point in raising his voice). With his foot, he gently nudged the normally vibrant kitsune over. His skin had gone pasty white, while his lips were blue. He was shivering, but he was burning up.
"Ha! Ha! Ha!" the monster cackled. "Kurama's caught a severe bout of the flu! Looks like you have to nurse him back to health, Hiei, which will result in an outflow of emotions for him that you never realized you had!oneone?eleventyfive!"
Hiei raised an eyebrow, impressed despite himself at the monster's grammatical expressiveness. "What are you talking about? Kurama will manage just fine."
The monster gaped in shock for a split second, then dug into a fleshy fold of its body and pulled out a loose collection of papers. "No, no, no," it gurgled. "It says right here that you have to pick Kurama up and tenderly nurse him back to health."
Hiei raised a Very Sceptical eyebrow and looked down at the fox who lay a-quivering on the ground. Despite his belief that Kurama was more than capable of taking care of himself, Hiei suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to do just that.
Several metres away, Yusuke looked on in horror as Hiei's face adopted a blank expression and he bent down. Couldn't he see the pink bubbles around him? That could in no way be natural! With a shout of warning, Yusuke held his breath and lunged for his two demon team-mates. He collided with Hiei roughly, knocking them both out of the circle. Hiei coughed once, then glared. Wordlessly, Yusuke jerked a thumb at the now-dissipating cloud of pink fluffiness.
Hiei's eyes widened, then narrowed ominously at the monster. How dare it resort to such sneak tactics? He started to growl, his eyes scanning swiftly over it for any obvious weak points.
Beside him, Kurama coughed again and slowly, yet steadily, got to his feet. His face was pale, but set in that expression that promised defeat of the foe. Painful defeat.
The monster watched in horror as its attack was broken by the interfering human. Grumpily, it crossed its tentacles. "You weren't supposed to come in," it glorped sulkily. "Just for that, I'm giving you all… sprained ankles!" The air shimmered again and Yusuke, Kurama, Hiei, and the recovering Kurama found themselves all with shooting pain in their feet.
The pain only further resolved Hiei. He grinned ferally (and, because it wasn't his Smirk, he was saved from the humiliation of beaming innocently at his sworn opponent) and advanced steadily. "You really think," he hissed, "that this would stop me?" With a cry of sheer rage, Hiei's form blurred and vanished, only to appear a half-split second later in front of the Plot Contrivance Monster. It shrieked pathetically and vanished again. Hiei's face jerked around like a homicidal, drugged-out bird as he tracked its movements with his Evil Eye. "There!" he cried, lunging again with his sword.
… It was like a seriously screwed up game of Tag.
Kurama watched with narrowed eyes for his moment of opportunity. Beside him, Yusuke did the same, wincing occasionally as his feet protested their use. Kuwabara hobbled over to them, his face pale and tight. "How do we beat this thing?" he asked. "Even Hiei can't catch him!"
"We'll beat him." Kurama gave that promise ominously, with no doubt in his voice. "No matter what he throws at us, we can top it."
The monster suddenly fell with a squish a half metre away from him as Hiei finally scored a hit, and the Rose Whip lashed out with terrifying accuracy.
"Die!"
There was another blur, and then Shiori appeared right in front of the monster. "Don't kill your mother, Shuichi!" The wheezing voice rang out from behind the confused woman.
"Shuichi?" she wondered.
"NO!" Kurama jerked his arm to the side just in time, yet Shiori was still grazed lightly on her cheek.
"Oh… so close, Kurama. Another inch and she'd have died!"
Kurama panicked. His mother… his precious mother was in danger. Direct danger… he could … he could kill the monster with the grass… but that would still reveal his demon identity.
"Nuuuu!" he wailed, dropping to his knees.
Yusuke shot Kurama a confused glance. "What's he talking about, Kurama?"
"And since when do you give up, fox?"
He looked up with shimmery, pretty eyes. "My mother's been taken hostage!" he wailed. "I have no choice but to submit to his evil wishes!" He cried some more, his forlorn wails creating mush inside even the firmest of hearts.
Hiei recoiled, then realized that Kurama was surrounded by that shimmering pink stuff again. He whipped around and pointed his sword at the pink monster. "Will you stop that?" he demanded. "Acknowledge me as your opponent!"
The Plot Contrivance monster attempted a pout (though it failed miserably, especially when compared to Kurama's refined Art of Pouting). "But it's so much fun to make him all girly! A simple illusion and some soft perfume makes him putty in my hands!"
"You mean tentacles," Yusuke corrected snidely. He was not in favour of these attacks. Head on attacks, fine. Sneak attacks, no problem. Physical attacks, mental attacks, spiritual attacks, hunky-dory. But subversive attacks…? Definitely not. His brain was racing at a mile a minute (or so it felt) to try and think of a way to defeat this thing.
Hiei glared some more at the monster, his face twisted into a disgusted sneer. Casually, he reached down and yanked on some of Kurama's red, red hair.
"Ow!"
"Wake up, fox."
"Wha--? Where's mother?" Kurama stood up again, then realized that he'd been tricked. Again. What was this? Payback for all the tricks he'd done as a demon? He sighed. This might take a while, then.
Hiei lunged at the monster again. It seemed so weak physically that if he could just get a few more hits in, it would die. And good riddance. "Give me back my Smirk!" he demanded furiously.
There was another intense fight scene, which the author will leave up to the gentle (or violent) reader's imagination, because she is of the current opinion that the mental imagery is way better than her inadequate writing. So yeah. Fight. A cool one. Bam.
After several cool, long minutes of one-on-one action, the monster managed to throw some more of its attacks. Various visions appeared in front of Hiei, from Yukina, to Mukuro, to (and Hiei was utterly confused at this one) a nearly nekkid Kurama. However, his Jagan had kicked into overdrive and saw through all these visions. Each one (except for that last one, of course) only served to make him more and more enraged. He was nearly shaking with anger, and it was only the countless years (who knows how many?) of training that firmed his hands and strengthened his deadly strokes.
The monster screeched as a rei gun came within a millimetre to blasting him to pieces. Shooting a wide, glubbering glance, it took in Yusuke's equally determined expression.
"I won't miss this time." Yusuke fired again.
The air shimmered again, and suddenly a tall, spiky-haired youth in leather appeared in front of him. "I play Yami, who plays…" the monster announced triumphantly, but was cut off by the slightly proud voice of this newcomer.
"I play Mirror Force, a trap card which returns all your attacks towards you!" The card he held suddenly grew to gigantic proportions, and hovered – like a hologram – in front of the monster long after the teen vanished. (7)
The most astounding thing was that this had taken less time to do than it took the rei-gun to reach the monster. With a screech of magic, the attack and the card collided, until the attack rebounded (how appropriate) to Yusuke. The teen in question yelped and dove for the ground, getting burn blasts along his back, but keeping most of his body intact. Joy!
Kuwabara scoffed. "What can a simple card going to do against physical attacks?" he announced to the world at large, before preparing to swing.
"No, wait!" Yusuke cried out, all dramatic-like. There were speed lines around him and everything! Naturally, then, he was listened to – because you just don't ignore the speed lines. It's just not done.
So Kuwabara skidded to a halt, and there was a brief whirlwind of activity as the two rivals intensely debated the pros and cons of attacking such an obvious evil trap. Hiei listened with half an ear, then shrugged off the silly human banter. Whatever. With a battle cry, he lunged once again forwards, ignoring the insistent throbbing creak in his ankles and calves.
Moooo.
Ahem. No. I mean, the stress of battling at top intensity with sprained ankles was finally taking its toll on the petite firebug. Despite the adrenalin coursing through his veins, the muscles were screaming for respite. He focused on the movement of his arms, as they raised the sword above his head and brought it down emphatically, in order to make a point. (Ooh, bad pun. Sorry!)
The sword met the card and held firm: real youkai-energy clashed against a powerful magic card. Another flurry of wind roared up and around the two figures who stared intensely at each other through the crackle of energy. For a while, as the others looked on and metaphorically bit their fingernails, the battle looked even, but slowly, slowly, slooowwwlllyy, Hiei's blade was wearing down the card. Several cracks appeared in the card's surface, before it suddenly blasted into fragments.
Hiei, not being an idiot, continued his downwards stroke and pursued his advantage like a cheetah after an African deer. The sword hit the rubbery pinkness and sliced deep. The liquid that oozed outwards was thick and dark red.
Kurama blinked. "Is it just me, or does that look like jam?"
"It's not just you," Yusuke grumbled. "And now I'm really hungry. Crap."
Meanwhile, the air shimmered furiously again. The Jaganshi found he couldn't move for a minute; it was as if his legs had turned to stone. Quickly, he glanced down. Gasp! They had turned to stone!
And when he looked up again, the monster was holding an onion.
"Wha-?" he expostulated, not even sure if that was the correct descriptive verb.
"Ha! Ha!" the monster blubbed. "For your fiendish stroke, I will play upon one of your weaknesses! Stop right there!" it yelled to the rest of team. "Stop if you don't want me to continue!"
The other three – who had been in the midst of rushing in to attack – stumbled to a halt. Yusuke and Kuwabara shifted impatiently from foot to foot, automatically debating whether Hiei could take care of himself. Kurama, who seemed to know everything, went stock-still with wide eyes.
The Plot Contrivance monster cackled some more. "Or maybe," it continued to glub out, "I'll just go ahead anyway!"
"You won't do anything!" Hiei yelled. His legs may have been frozen, but his upper body sure wasn't! Swifter than a speeding bullet, his arms brought his sparkly, sparkly sword to bear. It blurred into an attack that seemed to touch on every weak point on the monster's body.
Kuwabara thrilled with victory. "All right!"
"All wrong!" Kurama corrected. "Look!"
For, yea, verily, Hiei hadst not successfully smoteth yon gorbellied, fen-sucked, miscreant (8), but hadst, in fact, smoteth said onion. And, truly, the root of tears didst split into many, many silvery pieces, and the foul perfume released from the vile weapon didst cause much torment on the part of the ensnared champion. Black pearls spillethed out of ruby-red orbs of wisdom, blinding our hero to sight, but not to the injustice of the situation. (9)
In short, the cut onion made Hiei bawl like a baby.
"Hiei!" Kurama gasped, overwhelmed at the sight of Hiei's tears solidifying into priceless pearl gems and littering the ground. The infinite value of the gems made his youko side dance with glee, but the sight of Hiei crying (unwillingly, of course) made his human side ignore the jewels on the ground and concentrate instead on the jewel set in stone.
'Hiei…' his mind whispered. He could feel his arm reaching out in empathy, to provide a link of support to the lone, sole, singular fighter. Sympathy flooded him like an ocean flooded the tip of a beach, or like the sunlight flooded the Brazilian rainforest. Kurama paused. That last simile hadn't made too much sense – didn't the rainforest get a record amount of rain? Hmm…
Anyway. Poor Hiei. Poor, poor Hiei.
Kurama's intense sympathy firmed into even sharper resolve, and he lashed out abrasively with his Rose Whip. It collided with the Plot Contrivance's monster at the same time that Kuwabara and Yusuke lunged at it with their trademark knock-out punches. With a screech and a wail, it wobbled back and vanished. A brief second later, the air around them shimmered and things returned to normal. Hiei's legs were freed from the stone, he stopped bawling, and everyone's ankles returned to normal.
"Did… we get it?" Kuwabara panted. He looked cautiously optimistic, the fool, because it's a well-known rule that anytime someone asks that question, the bad guy makes a rebound.
And hey, far be it from the author to stray away from the cliché, right? Thus, with a wobble and a lurch, the pink monstrosity shimmered into existence again. It wheezed and cackled a bit, then waved its tentacles ominously. "Ha. Ha!" it yelled. "Even as we speak, I heal!" True enough, the oozing gashes in its jiggling slime were closing steadily.
The creature narrowed its eyes. "Still," it hissed, trying to sound dramatic, "you four are obviously worthy foes. There seems to be no choice but to finish you off painfully with my Ultimate Attack!"
"Oh no!" Yusuke yelled, ever aware of the situation. "Random capitalization! This is going to be bad, you guys!"
Kuwabara tensed in anticipation, while Kurama smiled promisingly and Hiei shifted impatiently.
"Without further ado," the Plot Contrivance thingy ground out, "I give you my most fearsome weapon!"
Wind whipped up around the clearing, and the brushes and trees seemed to shake with foreboding. The sky grew dark, and (because the author can't remember if this is taking place at night or not) then grew darker (just in case). The earth below and the skies above seemed to begin screaming, as if their horror alone would stop whatever travesty was occurring. The temperature dropped to below freezing, and lightning stabbed erratically amongst the group in the clearing, its booming echo resounding deeply through the entire city.
And then… when everything had been said and done… it was over.
The ozone left after the lightning began to dissipate in wafty wisps. Slowly (and oh-so-conveniently dramatically), a figure was revealed, swaying hypnotically after the summons. The four good guys tensed accordingly and tightened their grips on whatever their weapon of choice was.
"Isn't it beautiful?" the monster ground out. "With this, I can alter any actuality of the world around me! I can even change your very character and make you all my willing slaves! Through this, you will lose mastery of yourselves!"
Yusuke peered, his eyes seeking and intent, in order to get a glimpse of this powerful abomination. He was confident in his abilities but a built-up attack of this stature made his back sweat.
Kurama frowned in concentration, equally focussed on observing this evil new figure. As always, the youko side within him was tense and wary, ready to fight (or flee? No. Probably just fight) to survive. Youko flexed his claws. He was very determined to survive. Hadn't that shown already in staying within this femmy-boy form for the last two decades?
…The mists continued to part…
Continuing the author's rambling introspection, Kuwabara also looked into the obscure beyond, his manly face creased into manly concentration. The heat from his rei-sword was a comforting pulse against his arms, giving him reassurance as to his manly, manly strength.
As for Hiei… the minute the last lightning had flashed, his Jagan eye was working hard to determine what this threat was. His face was twisted into the familiar scowl/sneer, and his fingers clenched around the hilt of his trusty sword. Ice-cold rage had covered his mind with a white haze, until he was concentrated only on the overly-dramaticized figure ahead.
The shadow ahead straightened, its thin body looking even thinner as a result. When the mist had finally (finally) cleared, there stood…
A girl. Overly pretty, overly delicate, yet with large, searing eyes that told of a tragic and angsty story that no-one in their right mind would really care about. Her clothes were insert heavy, over-the-top description here and by the end of the description, the Spirit Hunters were having trouble staying awake. However, despite her fabulously done hair and oddly coloured, shifting eyes – amber and silver, perhaps – she wielded some cool, archaic weapon. Though she looked to be in her teens, the skill demonstrated in her posture (and no, even I'm not sure how that's supposed to work) hinted at many, many, many years of brutal experience.
"Behold!" the Plot Contrivance monster gushed. "My ultimate event-manipulator! The Mary Sue!" It raised its tentacles exultingly towards the sky. "Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!"
The Mary Sue creature stared blankly at the four fighters in front of her. They stared back, on the height of alert.
Hiei, in fact, had already finished "scanning" her with his Jagan, then reared back in shock. "Wha-?" he gasped, then peered again to double-check. "She has no attack power whatsoever!" Crimson orbs of narrowed doom mocked the Plot Contrivance monster. "Your ultimate attack will be destroyed within seconds!"
Hiei was filled with confidence and, in an act of unconceivable stupidity, moved his face muscles to Smirk—
"Hiei! NO!" Kurama shrieked, but it was too late –
-- because a radiant, trusting smile of effervescent beauty glimmered on the koorime's face. It was poised, yet timid, perching with all the delicacy of a baby robin on top of its nest. It was awe-inspiring as always, and even Yusuke found himself growing weak-kneed as he took in the hopeful expression on the little Forbidden Child's face.
The shifting eyes of Mary Sue stopped scanning and started focusing. "Oh!" she gasped in an unbelievably musical voice that triumphed over even the nightingale's trill. "You!"
Her hand reached out in an unbelievably tremulous gesture. "I… I empathize with you!" she cried. She beamed back at him. "Mine!"
Hiei watched in trepidation as her hands lengthened into grabby claws and her attack power skyrocketed higher than anything he'd ever encountered. He twitched and had a gut feeling that this was going to be really, really hard.
The protective bandages around his arm were loosened in the blink of an eye, and black fire spurted from his hand. The Jagan flashed foreshadowing heliotrope, which was the only warning before bursts of soul-devouring flames burst forward to envelop the Sue. He used his left hand for that attack, and in the canon universe, he could never use that hand for that attack again.
However, this isn't the canon universe, and so his hand is unaffected. In fact, the author can go further and ponder what will happen when Hiei has used all his other body parts to shoot deathful black flames and is reduced to using his nose. The author can then laugh because it appears to her to be as if Hiei is sneezing black, destructive flames and Kurama will inevitably offer a tissue afterwards. Muaha.
But no! The storyline does not have phlegmy flames, but rather cool destructive flames, which have enveloped the Sue! They are gone as fast as they appear, yet the Sue emerges from them unscathed.
"Ha! Ha! Ha!" the Plot Contrivance monster interjected conveniently. "Once Mary Sue has chosen her target, she is immune to any and all attacks! In fact, she absorbs the attacks she chooses and can turn them back on her victims!"
Hiei gritted his teeth and flashed away, circling the clearing several times in search of an opening. The Sue seemed to track him, despite the fact he was hurtling around faster than, like, a supersonic jet or something. And then, if that weren't insulting enough, she suddenly appeared in front of him, moving so fast even Hiei hadn't seen her move.
Kurama, stuck on the sidelines, gasped. "Gasp!" he breathed. "I've never seen anyone move faster than Hiei!"
Yusuke clenched his fists… impotently. (Hee hee. That's an awfully fun word to use. "Impotently," indeed.) "How can we stop it?" he snarled.
Meanwhile, the Sue had ensnared Hiei in her clawed hands. They wrapped themselves around his firm, muscular, droolworthy body, all so that the nails could dig into the skin. "You're mine."
Hiei shot the others a desperate glance. Already he could feel his character slipping away! He struggled a bit, then settled for glaring at her. He would never submit to her will. Never. His eyes spoke the volumes his mouth would not say.
"Oh, don't be like that," she cooed. "Come on. Let's share our feelings."
And Hiei… broke.
Kuwabara watched with horror as Hiei screamed in the most heartrending voice he'd heard. "That monster!" he cried.
Yusuke looked on with disgust as the Sue pouted, then wriggled her limp captive in her little cage. However, for all his brainwracking, he could think of nothing, nothing that would help their reluctant team-mate… or themselves. Was this it? Were they doomed!
Of course not! Because Kurama has had hundreds of years of experience in his youko form, and has met with all sorts of evil, grabby monsters. As the red-haired teen stared stoically at Hiei's shivering body, his hidden bishonen supplied a helpful index card for his memory. Youko Kurama had run into this Sue monster once before. And, miracle of all miracles, he'd managed to stop it.
The only question was if the team would survive the aftermath. Kurama debated that issue for all of half a moment, then firmed his shoulders. The four of them were strong. They would be able to shake off the after-effects of what was to come.
And besides, he didn't think he could bear to see his jaganshi friend ensnared one more second by that… female… dog. Ahem. Right. No swearing at all, here.
Taking a deep breath for courage, Kurama moved forwards. This was going to be tricky, even for him. From what youko was whispering into his mental ear, the Sue got very possessive of her target bishonen and would not accept anyone near them. But maybe, just maybe, Kurama could use that to his advantage.
Carefully, he arranged his facial features into the vapid sort of adoration that most girls usually looked at him with. With this expression, Kurama trotted towards the Sue. Ignoring the confused questions of the two behind him, he directed all his forces of persuasion colour his voice and fill his face. "Oh!" he gushed, "I can't believe how wonderful you are, Miss Sue!"
Sue turned to look at him, her face radiating guileless innocence. In accordance with her "sweet" nature, she naturally blushed. "Please, just call me Mary," she murmured demurely.
Her voice was at extreme odds with the brutal cage she'd woven around Hiei, and which shook with constant maliciousness. Kurama shot a glance at his trapped friend (and nothing more, of course, despite the numerous official pictures that had been displayed 'round the internet) and masked a wince as he took in the vacantly worshipful adulatory look developing on Hiei's face.
"Mary, then," Kurama quickly recovered smoothly. "I am honoured that you have given me such pleasure as to allow me to address you in such a cavalier manner. For, truly, your strength bespeaks of many battles and your demeanour is undoubtedly worthily proud." Kurama paused. "Forsooth," he added, just on the safe side.
A pretty, flowery speech and compliments to a character who had no right to be there. Kurama had her now.
Sue babbled some recalcitrant answer which was nonetheless softened by her naturally pure nature. Naturally. It most likely had something to do with being essential to the fates of various worlds, or her myriad abusive pasts, or being half-unicorn, half-goddess, and half-demon, which added up only through Sue-Logic. To be perfectly honest, neither Kurama, Yusuke, Kuwabara nor the author cared by this point. To be even more honest, the author had lost her train of thought entirely by this point, simply because she'd restarted this section of the story so many times because of her lost motivation.
"But, oh, you're right, Kurama-dono," the Sue continued, not heeding the self-reflective, meandering tone of the story and, in fact, furthering the downward spiral of the story through the introduction of irrelevant, improper usage of Random Fangirl Japanese. (Run for the hills!) "If I am wonderful, it is only because I wish to atone for my horrible, angsty, interminably-described past."
Kurama tuned back into the dialogue just in time to adopt a suitably puppy-dog expression. "Tragic!" he sniffled. "I am just so hopeful, then, that you can provide relief to Hiei's life."
Blink, blink went the freakishly coloured Sue-Eyes. "Re…relief?" she stammered.
In the background, Yusuke commented offhandedly how he spelled 'relief.' "R-o-l-a-i-d-s!"
But because he wasn't the Sue, he was efficiently ignored. Sucks, huh?
Anyway, Kurama was still leading the Sue down the road to self-mutilation. "Oh, yes. Hiei has, as you know, a horrible past, like you. Also like you, he is working so very hard to redeem his stained nature. I just know that you will be able to provide a supportive and nurturing environment to further the fragile child still trembling within his delicate, faint heart." Kurama smiled and blinked trustingly, three times.
Overwhelmed by the trusting blinks, not to mention the powerfully guilt-inducing speech, the Sue collapsed onto the ground. The cage that Hiei was crumpled within fell to the ground as well. The branchlike fingers squiggled under his skin, yet the koorime didn't seem to notice, so enraptured was he with staring at Sue's pristine, angst-ridden face. Crystal white tears coursed down her alabaster cheeks, ignoring the fact that tears are, in fact, supposed to be clear, and therefore leading the reader to believe the Sue is equally afflicted with some horrible eye disease – yay!
The Sue wailed. "I… I must admit to the truth! I cannot give him what he so gloriously deserves! For, you see, even at this very moment, I am being chased by the fiends of the darkest dimension – the likes of which you have never seen! There is none who can stand against them, not even myself!" She burst into some more sobby tears. "I would rather kill myself than to inflict their horror upon you!"
'Yes!' his youko side exulted. However, careful to show nothing but sorrow and a brave face to show the world, Kurama offered her a conveniently grown sword, sprung from a blade of grass. (10) "We will miss you!" With great effort, he dredged up a few tears of sorrow – mainly by thinking of how much he missed his mother. He hoped she was all right.
She took the blade bravely, her eyes shining determinedly. "There is, unfortunately, no other way. Oh, happy death! Thus, with this dagger, rust and let me die!" She solemnly plunged the sword into her ample (some might say overly so) bosom, successfully misquoting the famed dagger scene from Romeo and Juliet, Act 5, scene 3, lines 169-170.
And then she died. Any sorrow that might have been felt at such a brave death was instantly banished, and there was much rejoicing throughout the land. Yaysies! Certainly, the battle-worn comrades on the field did more than fair share of cheering. The bane of their existence – mercifully brief though it had been – was No MORE! Oh, thank heavens!
A screech of drooling horror made the recovering team aware that all was not well in their newfound paradise. As Kurama looked up from his assessment of Hiei's condition, he joined Yusuke and Kuwabara in taking in the appearance of the Plot Contrivance monster: its tentacles thrashed about wildly, and drool spewed out of its mouth. The wheels on its transportation spun uncontrollably while the beast's belly jiggled like a bowlful of jelly.
Yusuke took centre stage, stepping forwards with a promising glow to his right fist. He waved the other one insolently, smiling in a particularly nasty way. "Hi," was all he said.
"Wait! Wait!" blurbled the creature, desperate for a few more seconds. "I must know! How… how did you defeat my creation? She was indestructible!"
Yusuke snorted. "Well, obviously it wasn't," he commented, outwardly snide, yet inwardly equally curious.
"It's rather simple, really," Kurama remarked succinctly with a mysterious smile. "I've encountered one before, and they seem to be prone to overdramatizations, clichés and self-centred displays of shallow emotion. And they always are their worst enemy."
Everyone present gaped, including Hiei, who was just waking up with a killer headache and the sensation of creepy pins all over his magically half-nekkid body.
"Now, Yusuke?" Kurama suggested insistently. His vines had already sprung into action, holding the fiendish creature in place for an oncoming attack.
Yusuke didn't need to be told twice and set about the relatively quick task of "powering up" for his (hopefully!) final attack. After all, this story had been dragging on for, what, something like 18 pages or so? Beside Yusuke, Kuwabara set his rei-sword a-flarin'.
A sudden flash of blindingly white light made everyone tense in anticipation. Refusing to even consider the possibility of The Return of the Sue (which was good because the author didn't think she could find it within herself to tackle that kind of monstrosity again), Hiei laid a pre-emptive hand on the hilt of his sword.
Instead of anything earth-shattering, however, when the light faded nothing had changed. Oh, perhaps Kurama had a familiar looking expression on his face, but nothing more. Yusuke let out a frustrated cry and let loose with his attack, only to see it wither and fade to nothingness as it approached its target.
"Ha! Ha! Ha!" it cackled, as only a true fiend can. "Your attacks are ultimately useless! For I am the Plot Contrivance monster, and so capable of causing events that make no sense!"
"It wouldn't make sense if you were to randomly die from inhaling too much smog-infested Tokyo air, would it?" Kuwabara ventured hopefully.
The monster twitched.
Yusuke picked up on his rival/friend's unwitting plan. "It wouldn't make sense for you to win either, would it? I mean, it's obvious that you're the bad guy here. You're bound to lose sooner or later." He grinned that famous insolent grin of his.
In response, the monster twitched some more, increasing the speed until it resembled a quickly undulating pile of gelatine. Kurama gave in to the urge to make it jiggle some more, and gently poked it.
The Plot Contrivance creature (and hey, this might be just me, but if you abbreviate that, then it becomes the "PC monster" – which is the really infamous term for "Political Correctness." Whoopsie. I really should have thought that one through, shouldn't I?) did its flashy "switch places" trick. Five nanoseconds later, the Plot Contrivance creature rose three metres into the sky. It looked down at them, as if realizing for the first time that these four beings were not going to give up until it was dead.
"You cannot defeat me!" it cried defiantly. "I am immortal! Wherever there is a desperate writer, or an unsatisfactory scene, or even a lack of creativity, I will be there! I cannot be—!"
But whatever it had been about to say was cut off abruptly by a sear of black fire and an eruption of spikes.
"You," Kurama panted after that apparently great effort, "have had more than enough screen time."
Yusuke grinned and mimed a shooting finger at the collapsed goo. "Show's over!"
Even as they watched warily, the formless goo was dissolving with sparkly, showy effects. With a display like that (and coupled with the fact that the author wanted to get rid of the Plot Contrivance monster – how's that for meta-fictional irony?), there was no doubt that the monster had been defeated.
Finally. (No kiddin', huh?)
The surviving four scanned the scene before them with pride and equanimity. Yusuke grinned some more, and gave a thumbs up to an equally radiant Kuwabara (who'd had not nearly enough screen time, darnit!). Kurama sighed with relief – or was it disappointment?
And Hiei, convinced that things were at last back to normal, Smirked in triumph.
But what's this!
As the radiant, trusting, honest, sincere, enlightening smile made the surrounding members weak-kneed, they came into sudden realization of horror: Hiei's Smirk hadn't been returned! Tragedy!
Simultaneously, the image of a "Babyface Hiei" flashed through Yusuke and Kurama's mind. Though the situation was disastrous, even Kurama couldn't restrain a small smile of amusement. How fortunate it was, though, because lo and behold, the Smirk appeared on his face!
Somehow, the Plot Contrivance monster had moved the Smirk from his face to Kurama's. Had it been anticipating its defeat, and had wanted to foil them in any way possible? Or was this, irony of ironies, simply a convenient plot contrivance by some untouchable manipulator of Fate? (Hi, guys! Whahahaaa!)
((Several long, thoughtful minutes later))
"OK. So here's an idea."
"Hn."
"Yes?"
"Well, you've got the Smirk. And Hiei wants the Smirk. Short of killing Kurama – which isn't even worth debating soHieidon'tgrabyoursword! Thank you. As I was saying, we've got to find a way to somehow move the Smirk from Kurama to Hiei!"
"Hn."
"I have agree with Hiei, Yusuke. That was a rather dumb thing to say. Isn't it obvious?"
"But how? Hoooowwwwww?" Yusuke drew this last word out as he pondered the complex problem. Tapping on his lip – he was that deep in thought! – he meandered his way around the two demons who were currently standing aimlessly.
Kuwabara frowned, all manly-like. "What if we treated it like a disease?"
Hiei seethed. "My Smirk isn't a disease."
"No, but that idea might work!" Kurama brightened. He certainly didn't want to return home to mother with a Smirk instead of a smile. He'd scare her to death!
The youko side of him cackled in wicked anticipation.
"Anyway," Kurama shook his head to clear the bad thoughts away, "if it is like a disease, then obviously we need to pass it on to Hiei."
"To Hiei's mouth, preferably," Kuwabara added, revelling in having the (hot!) little shrimp depend on him, for a change. "The transfer might not work otherwise."
"Hm. Good thinking." Kurama resisted a smile of encouragement. Smirking would only exacerbate this situation. Then, minutely, he froze as he realized what this would mean.
A minute later, the other two humans caught on – though it had Kuwabara wrinkling his face up in ill-hid amusement and Yusuke snickering like he'd eaten a kilogram worth of … Snickers (11), or something.
Hiei frowned menacingly as he looked between the three of them, sensing something was amiss. Wasn't he a smart little demon? Well, no, actually, because he still didn't know what was going on.
Kurama took a deep breath and mentally ordered his youko side to the inner dog compound. "All right, then. Come here, Hiei."
Hiei frowned further as he advanced a few paces, then dug his heels in. "Why are you two laughing?" he asked bluntly. The sword he held in his hand, though, was far from blunt; it did a very nice job of shutting the two up.
"Dude!" Yusuke exclaimed. "You've got to kiss!"
Hiei's nose wrinkled and a look of distaste widened his eyes. "WHAT?"
"Go on!" Kuwaubara sniggered. "Make it 'happily ever after'!"
Kurama sighed. This wasn't helping the situation at all. "Really, you two. You're not any good here. Get lost." His own eyes widened as he heard himself speak. Obviously his youko side wasn't as repressed as he would have liked.
Still, the point had been made. Yusuke and Kuwabara hesitated, then started for the park's end. "Um… call us if it doesn't work?" Yusuke offered.
"Of course."
Hiei snarled, his eyes darting around for an escape that he couldn't afford to take.
Placidly, Kurama advanced on the Forbidden Child, his hands outstretched soothingly. He checked how he was feeling and sighed as he felt the youko side emerge in full, all tails wagging at maximum velocity. Nothing he could do now but hope to curb the tide.
"This won't take but a minute, all right?"
And – as Hiei sighed to the inevitable and the moon glistened overhead – Kurama Smirked as he closed in.
---- EPILOGUE ---
"Hiei! Good morning!"
"Hn."
Once again, the morning sun's rays were dancing their way over the rooftops. Beside a certain residence in a certainly familiar tree, an even more familiar spunky little demon pretended to ignore a flame-haired youkai whom he'd nonetheless stuck around to talk to.
"Would you like to come in?"
"No."
Ahhh, the fabulously familiar nature of banter.
"But …"
"And don't bother telling me your mother isn't here, fox. I can smell her stench from the room downstairs."
"Of course my mum's here. It's just that she gave me more than I'd like to eat this morning. Could I offer you some?"
"Hn." He snorted and, as was his nature, looked away scornfully.
"Still, if you don't want this chocolate swirl ice cream…?"
Hiei swivelled shortly, full-blown Smirk firmly in place. "Hn!" he snorted; this one translated into something along the lines of 'Sweet snow is always good! Wherewherewhere is it?'
Within a flit's time, he was in Kurama's room, nonchalantly leaning against the wall. His eyes, though, belied the inaction; they darted about the room eagerly in search of the desired sweet snow. A second later, though, the crimson orbs lowered in disappointment. "Where is it?"
Kurama's face was the epitome of innocence. "Well, actually, since you didn't seem to want any, I ate it already. Sorry." He grinned, a regular ol' grin that only had a trace of the sex-fiend youko. Muaha. I like youko.
"Hn. What a waste of time." Hiei, deprived of his ice cream, saw no reason to stay here any longer – not with Kurama's pointlessly delicious scent. It just wasn't worth it… what was the fox doing?
Never one to remain confuzzled, Hiei glared. "What are you doing?"
Kurama paused in the midst of lowering his face to Hiei's own. "I'm sharing, naturally." He tilted his head, bright green eyes shimmering enticingly. "Don't you want some?" The double meaning of the sentence was not lost on Hiei, who was nonetheless momentarily distracted by the lower lip sliding out in an alluring pout.
There was a tense moment as he debated this. Then, with a snort for the fox's stupidity, he grabbed one of those sections of the uselessly dangling hairs. "Stupid fox."
Kurama's eyes brightened even more before closing in anticipation. Hiei moved closer, watching as Kurama sighed happily.
And then it was Hiei's turn to Smirk.
OWARI!
Footnotes:
1 – I read that line somewhere in relation to Hiei and fell in love with it. How else could you describe Hiei and encompass his demonic nature and teeny-tiny stature? Wheee! If I read that off a story of yours, then I thank you for the inspiration!
2 – It's black and a dragon that Hiei gets to summon. You think I'd give a cool thing like that any respect? Ha!
3- Yes. This is Naraku. I was watching Inu Yasha #80 the other day, and felt the overpowering urge to kill the annoying-evil-guy-who-will-not-die. Grr. And … so, yeah.
4- Vaguely inside joke. Lady Gal, that was for you!
5 – ((sighs)) Every single fic I've read about Youko Kurama seems to be convinced that he was rather… loose. And liked to be loose. ((coughs, embarrassed)) And hey, it fits with my plot, after all, and when in Rome…
6 – My attempt at 133t-speak! Thank you MegaTokyo! ((uber-wide grin)) It reads "KuramaxHiei love forever!"
7- Yes, it's Yami from Yu-gi-oh. I felt bad enough for procrastinating on Night of Souls to give him a cameo in this one, okay?
8- The last three terms are taken directly from the "Shakespearian Insult Generator." Visit! It's fun! http/ www. petelevin. com/ shakespeare. htm
9- Bad Olde English. Fun, but so hard to write. Hee!
10 – I got this part out of the Shonen Jump magazine, which featured the ORIGINAL MEETING between Kurama and Hiei – "Two Shot"! Oh, yeah. ((boogies)) Basically, Hiei attacks Kurama, who fights back with a blade of grass which grows into a sword. And then other stuff happens which leads to Hiei being half-naked on Kurama's bed. ((purrs)) Wasn't that conveniently innuendo-ish? Muaha.
11 – Continued disclaimer. I don't own Snickers, either. Nya.
A/N: ((sighs)) And no matter what I do, the pointless humour turns into romance. Every. Single. Bloody. Time. ((cries piteously)) I can't help it, though! The two just fling themselves at each other!
… Well, they should. Good thing there are writers who can correct that situation, ne? Wheee! Character manipulation!
((thwaps head)) Right! Review? (Almost forgot!) Tell me what you think of the style, the content, the idea, the weather where you live, your fav part of the YYH series in general, or even your fav colour! I'm dying for feedback!And I always make sure I respond (in e-mail form, for oneshots such as this) to reviews before I do any further postings, so there's your reward for being virtuous and Feeding The Author!
((bows)) Thank you for taking the time.