Why Me?

I never actually thought that someone could love me. It still is a foreign concept that I am struggling to understand. How could he love me? How could he offer me so much grace and forgiveness for my past? How could he make me feel like the most important person in the world? Did I do the same? I could only wonder how someone so amazing could love someone as broken as me.

Christmas was the best time of the year in my personal opinion. The lights were so gentle and gave such a feeling of warmth in the cold that surrounded me. People were kinder and the world just seemed right. I felt at ease as I wrapped up my Christmas gift for Sam excited to share it with him. I loved giving gifts, but my absolute favorite part of Christmas was that it was the time when everyone came together.

Sam and I had spent a lot of time fighting the last few weeks and it mostly had to do with my best friend at work, Noah Puckerman. Every fight we seemed to have stemmed from me being near him and I couldn't help but wish that this campus was bigger. For once though, we set everything aside and decided to start over. The funny thing about that is, you can't really start over.

I heard a knock on the door and ran to answer it, Sam was standing there in a goofy Christmas sweater which we had agreed to wear while we cuddled up on the couch and watched movies together. He hugged me and kissed me on the forehead as he came in. "Hey." He smiled, "How are you?"

"I'm good. I just put the pizza in the oven and I have a few movies cued up!" I smiled brightly bouncing on my toes.

He kissed me softly, "I'm excited. What movie is it?"

"I was thinking a classic, miracle on 34th street."

He paused as he slipped off his shoes, "I like it, but I have a better idea." He reached into a bag I didn't realize he was carrying and pulled out a DVD. "Cinderella. Your favorite."

I couldn't help but smile, "You are amazing!"

We sat down on the couch and he started the movie for us. As she started to sing 'A dream is a Wish Your heart makes' I sang along, but Sam reached out of his pocket and pulled out a small box, inside was a pandora charm with a heart inscribed with those words. My eyes welled up with tears, "Wow... thank you. This is amazing" I fully expected that to be the extent of my gifts but then as the fairy godmother created the carriage, he gave me a charm shaped like a carriage with a gold piece on the top and then as the movie ended he gave me one last charm that was plain but in cinderella blue. "I got you the whole collection and I wanted to make it special by giving each one to you at a special part of the movie. I really hope you like it. The lady at the store said that was the whole collection."

Tears rolled down my cheeks, "Thank you. I really wasn't expecting this." my heart felt heavy, I knew that he had spent entirely more than he needed to and he had gone out of his way to make this special, but I couldn't ignore the sinking feeling that this reminded me that everything was not okay between us. I pushed the feeling away and reached behind me for my gift, "It's my turn. I know mine isn't as special but I know you've been wanting one so I just thought... well nevermind what I thought, Just open it." I laughed.

I had gotten him an apple watch with a handwritten letter about how much I cared about us and wanted to start over and move forward and for once everything felt like it would be okay.

It was the last week before Christmas and I was working in the library on campus putting away the last few books before we left to go home. I felt a light tap on my shoulder and I jumped. I turned to see Noah smiling at me, "Hey. I just wanted to see if you were doing anything after work today."

I looked at my watch, "Hmm... I guess I have a little time."

He rolled his eyes, "I just have something to give you. I know it's dumb but I got you a little Christmas present for being such an awesome boss all year."

I laughed, "Yeah okay well I appreciate it but you didn't have to but I'm kinda glad you did because I got you something too because you're my best friend and keep me sane and I appreciate you."

"Well I know that."

I rolled my eyes and pushed him lightly, "You know you're pretty cocky."

"Eh... sometimes I guess." He stepped a little closer to me, "You know, when you roll your eyes one of them kinda twitches a little and it's really funny."

I scrunched up my nose, "I don't believe you also that's weird that you pay so much attention to me."

He laughed and ran a hand through his hair, "Yeah I only noticed it cause you're always rolling your eyes at me." he paused, "Speaking of Christmas presents, what did Sam get you?"

I paused and lifted up my sleeve to show him the charms on my bracelet, "He got me these cinderella pandora charms and gave them to me at different parts of the movie. It was really sweet. I think it's like the whole collection or something."

It seemed like a frown crossed his face but I didn't have much time to think about it before he started to move around the office. "Okay well lets go finish putting up the rest of these books so that we can actually go home tonight." he pushed a cart towards me and we both split up to opposite ends of the library.

It got to be around 10 at night when we both finally reached the middle. I was finishing up the last bit of paperwork when I saw him starting to walk back towards the office. There was an open section where students could return their books and as he walked by I took a note that I had scribbled and threw it. It hit him right on the head and he laughed as he leaned over to pick it up. He unraveled it and looked at me and shook his head. "Hi Quinn" he replied back to my note which simply said 'Hi Noah'. He put the note in his pocket and I gave him a look, "What?" He asked.

"You put it in your pocket, you gonna keep it or something?" I teased.

"No of course not. I was just saving it to throw it out in trash later." He walked away quickly, walking himself and the library cart back into the room with me, "Well, all of the really old dusty books are away so can we go home now?"

"Yes! I just finished the last report so we can head home for the holidays."

As we walked out into the cold parking lot Noah led me towards his truck and we both climbed inside. I opened up my backpack and pulled out a glittery, perfectly wrapped present with a bow. "Oh man... now I'm gonna have glitter all over my truck."

"Well I have glitter all over my backpack so it's only fair. Now open it." I demanded.

He tore off the wrapping paper and opened it up, "A nike sweatshirt. Wow! Thank you. I really love it."

"Well you always wear a nike sweatshirt" I laughed pointing out that he was wearing one right now.

He rolled his eyes, "Now who's paying too much attention?" He put the sweatshirt in the backseat and then looked at me, "Okay, you have to close your eyes. I'll go ahead and apologize because it isn't wrapped."

I closed my eyes and held out my hands, I felt a box get placed into it. I opened my eyes and slowly opened up the box. Inside was a charm with a blue jeweled shoe meant to be the glass slipper in Cinderella. My eyes filled up with tears.

"Do you like it." He smiled just a little.

I looked up at him as tears rolled down my cheeks, "Noah... I- I can't accept this."

"What? Why not?!" He sat back in his chair.

"It's too much... you know I can't take this. If Sam saw it he would freak out. How do I explain this?"

"I don't know tell him your mom sent it or something. Please take it. I got it especially for you."

I couldn't seem to swallow the lump in my throat, "Noah, you have to return this."

"No."

"No?" I repeated.

"No. I'm not doing it. I'm telling you that I care about you. Please take it." He begged. I could start to see the tears well up in his eyes. "Why won't you take it?"

"I can't take it. I can't its not right."

"What's not right?!" He shouted back, "It's a gift. I got it for you. I care about you. Please Quinn let me do this."

I sighed, "I can't do this Noah. I don't want to have this fight over this, please just take it back." I whispered shoving it back to him.

"This isn't a fight. Quinn-"

"Just stop Noah! I love you!" I shouted. There was a silence that seemed to go on far too long, "As a friend... I love you... and I don't want to lose you. I have to go." I got out of the car and took off in a jog towards my own, leaving the box behind.

The next day at work things were awkward to say the least. I spent almost the entire day alone. I didn't know if it was the fact that Noah was ignoring me, or if it was just the idea that I felt like I had really lost the best friend I had ever had. It was probably both.

I watched him go around the library putting books away, anything to avoid being in this office with me. I missed throwing paper balls at one another while we studied and checked books in. Just one day without it and I was already missing it.

As the day ended he finally came in and I had hoped that he would say something to me. Anything.

He didn't.

Instead he picked up his bag and walked out of the door. I watched him leave and tears started to fill my eyes. I picked up my own things and walked out of the library expecting to see Noah's truck gone. Instead I saw him leaning against it.

"Hey Q... Can we talk?" He asked digging the toe of his shoe into the ground.

I paused surprised, "Um... yeah, yeah we can talk." I replied walking closer to him.

"Not here, lets go off campus and grab something to eat and we can talk." He clarified and opened the passenger side door for me. I took a look around the parking lot and climbed into the car.

The drive was silent and finally we arrived at a diner and walked in together. When we sat down we both opened our mouths to speak and laughed, we were always so in sync. "You go first" we both stated together.

I laughed, "You asked me here so you can go first."

He rolled his eyes and smiled, "Well first, I'm sorry for today. I really just needed time to think about everything. I wasn't expecting for you to say what you did."

"Well Noah, I meant what I said. I do love you, as a friend. You're my best friend."

His face fell a little. "Yeah I know, and I shouldn't have pushed you so much. I love you too... as a friend."

It was silent for a little longer as both of us just picked at our food. Where do you go from here? How do you come back from sharing those feelings with each other? We both said just friends but it was easy to wonder... was it really just friends?