Distorted Fairytales

By SevieIsCute

Summary: A Naruto inspired creative and totally perverted look at famous fairytales! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. Yaoi.

Warnings: Crude Language, Adult Situations, Total Chaos

Chapter 1 – Snow White – Sand Yellow

Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there lived a king and queen. The king, King Yondaime and his wife, Queen Yukino were a very happy couple, but sadly, they were childless.

Everyday, the queen would say the same thing. "I wish I had a child, with lips as red as a rose, hair as black as ebony, and skin as white as snow."

Yet, something was special about that night, for a magical being was listening and decided to grant them their wish. In other words, they did the bad thing and the queen got pregnant.

The day of the birth, a demon attacked the kingdom, and the king had to go vanquish it. He left the queen to go fight, and was never seen again.

The queen was in labor for 16 hours and the whole time, was cussing at the people and king. She yelled and threatened to cut off the king's precious. Today, people still speculate that that was what made the King run away, and that the demon was a hoax.

Anyways, after, the queen was holding a tiny little baby boy with lips as pink as strawberry ice cream, hair as yellow as the sun, and skin as tan as yellow sand.

"This wasn't what I ordered, cause I was going to call her Snow White, and circumstances tell me I should name him Yellow Sand, but I like Naruto." So thus, he was named Naruto.

Now, the next in line to the throne was a vindictive bitch named Mai, who was the King's sister, and was quite obsessed with power and beauty.

But, the queen was still weak from labor and soon died. Just like that. Now Mai had been the only one to see Naruto yet, because the servants had mysteriously vanished, so she decided to dress him up like a girl, so that he couldn't take the throne from her.

Sixteen Years Later:

The Queen looked out of her window at the beautiful young girl that Naruto had become and was deathly jealous. Her plan had backfired, for now, everyone thought that Naruto was prettier then her.

She turned around and walked to her magic mirror, because today was Naruto's sixteenth birthday, the day where his beauty was to be judged against hers. Why she waited, no one knows.

"Mirror mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?" she asked.

"Male or female?" asked the bewildered Mirror.

"Female, but include Naruto."

"Why?"

"Because I said so, now do it!"

"Famed is your beauty your majesty, but hold, a lovelyCOUGH maid I see. Rags cannot hideCOUGH her gentle grace. Alas, she is more fair than thee. So there, HA!" said the Mirror.

"Who's that?"

"As if you didn't already know."

"Tell me!"

"Gosh, keep your pants on, I'm serious, always keep them on. Anyways, they have lips as pink as strawberry ice cream, hair as yellow as the sun, and skin as tan as yellow sand."

"Huh?"

"For the love of all things holy! It's Naruto!"

"Ah, so now I must kill him."

"I must remind you, you didn't include other boys, and so, there just might be a whole lot better then you."

"Quiet, I must get rid of all female competition."

"Reminder: Naruto is a boy, and I never said you were second prettiest."

Click, the Queen turned off the digital mirror.

Outside:

Prince Sasuke was riding along on his horse, all alone, for some reason, suddenly heard a voice.

He had nothing better to do, so he easily climbed the wall and immediately saw a blonde girl running around the courtyard.

"Hahaha Fuckers! You'll never catch me!" yelled the girl as she ran by and was followed my many chefs.

Sasuke sweat dropped, and would have fallen if he wasn't Prince Sasuke.

He saw the girl run by again, and this time, she was hiding behind the bushes that Sasuke was above.

"Dobe."

"What the hell?" the girl said as she looked up. "Who the hell are you?"

"None of your business baka."

"Why you…." Said the girl, then leaped up and tackled him so that they both fell on the other side of the wall.

Now the two were rolling around and wrestling on the other side of the wall. Punches and kicks flying everywhere until a voice from far away called out, "NARUTO! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE." And for some reason, the girl obeyed, but before she left, she hissed, "This isn't over yet!" Sasuke, on instinct, pulled Naruto back for a short kiss.

Naruto was very shocked to say the least, he didn't know what to say, so he turned around and left.

Sasuke was still sitting on the floor as he smirked that sexy smirk up at Naruto as he left and yelled "My names Sasuke by the way!"

'A boy huh, that makes it much better.' He thought. He knew Naruto was a boy because the horny bastard had groped a feel when they were wrestling. He got back on his horse and rode away, knowing that he would see this Naruto again.

Swap to Queen:

"Take hi…her, out into the forest where h…she can pick flowers or terrorize animals, same thing, and then, kill hi…her." Said the Queen to her guard.

"Gladly your majesty, we can finally get rid of that miniature beast."

"Don't fail me Mizuki."

"Of course not, would you like some proof of the murder?"

"No need, I can watch it after you return on my digital television/mirror."

"Ok, I'll take my leave."

Right outside the forest:

"So, what the hell are we supposed to be doing here?" asked Naruto.

"Picking flowers?"

"…"

"Talking to cute animals?"

"…"

"Terrorizing the wildlife?"

"Now that's what I'm talking about." Naruto said and turned around.

Mizuki took out a dagger and was about to plunge it into Naruto's back, when Naruto turned around.

"But why did you have to take me?"

"Cause it's your birthday?"

"Oh" Naruto said and turned back around. Mizuki pulled out the knife again, but Naruto turned around and he had to hide it. Now this happened a lot of times, so Mizuki was annoyed and decided to tackle Naruto, pin him down, and have his way, I mean, kill him.

Mizuki did this, but once he was on Naruto, Naruto yelled out "PERVERT!" and proceeded to kick the shit out of Mizuki.

Naruto didn't even know about the attempted murder until a little fox named Kyuubi told him right after. Naruto didn't know why he could understand the kit, but he didn't question.

Naruto decided to run away, so the kit led him deep into the forest, until they got to a cottage.

"That looks like a good place to get some shut eye and grub!" The fox gave a snort, but Naruto didn't pay any attention to it.

After busting the door open, Naruto could see a very clean living room with seven chairs around a table and seven beds.

"Gosh, they must be poor to have to share this shack with so many people."

Naruto didn't find any food, but he was tired so he went over to the beds.

He noticed little names carved into the wood.

"Lust, Wrath, Pride, Sloth, Envy, Gluttony, and Greed… what kind of names are those?"

Now, Naruto didn't care about who lived there, so he pushed the beds together and took a nap under the watchful eyes of the kit.

Outside the House:

Seven figures silently moved into the house. The light was on, so they knew someone was in the house.

They moved towards the source of noise, to see a girl snoring away on their beds.

Lust, or Kakashi as he liked to be called, looked hungrily at the girl, if you didn't know; you would've thought he was gluttony.

"Kakashi, no! Get your head out of the gutter!" yelled Wrath, better known as Iruka.

"But she's all in my bed and everything." Whined Kakashi.

"No is no."

"Then lucky she isn't a boy, then I'd go crazy." He said as he winked at Iruka who blushed.

"Why isn't she in my bed?" Said Envy, or Gaara.

"Forget it, just wake her up so we can make her pay for room and board." Said Greed, AKA Kiba.

"Wake her up so I can sleep." Said Sloth, AKA Shikamaru.

"Maybe she can cook!" said Gluttony, known as Chouji.

"I'll do it, fate has commanded that I do." Said Pride, or Neji.

When he tapped the girl on the shoulder, the loud snoring stopped and she shot up, hitting Neji on the chin.

Neji, his pride damaged, moved to the back of the group silently.

"What the hell? I was dreaming of ramen!" shrilled the girl.

"Who the hell are you!" screamed Iruka back, "I mean, who are you?" asked Iruka, more polite.

"My name's Naruto. I take it you live here."

"Yes, now get out of my bed so I can sleep." Yawned the pineapple haired boy.

'I wish I could sleep' thought Gaara.

"Ok, can I please crash here for a couple nights?" pleaded Naruto, in full pout and puppy dog eyed mode.

"I'm sorry, young girl, but we don't have any space and it wouldn't be proper for a girl to stay with us." Said Iruka.

The others, not caring anymore, moved to their own beds and went to sleep.

"Why? I don't need much, just a place to sleep and some food to eat." Pleaded Naruto. "Come on, you wouldn't push a girl into the forest on a dark and cold night like this. Would you?"

"I guess not, I just don't know where you can sleep."

"She can sleep in my bed!" yelled Kakashi.

"Baka!" yelled Iruka as he brought his fist down on Kakashi's head, proceeding to knock him out. His eyes flashed with anger and was that jealousy?

Then, Iruka pointed out the members of the makeshift family to Naruto, and then proceeded to tie Kakashi up.

After Iruka was done tying Kakashi up, he offered Kakashi's bed to Naruto who accepted and immediately fell back asleep.

Iruka was bewildered about this, she slept faster then Shikamaru! A cough brought him out of his thoughts.

"Oooo… I didn't know you were into bondage Iruka-chan!" said Kakashi from the floor.

A blush swept across Iruka's face. "Shut up, I did it so you wouldn't molest her in her sleep!"

"You know I'd only do that to you." Said Kakashi as he smirked behind his mask.

"Shut up, I'll let you sleep in my bed," said Iruka as Kakashi cheered in his head, "But, you'll still have to be tied up." Kakashi's face fell, that is, if you could see it.

Soon, everyone was in their respective beds and loud snoring shook the entire forest.

Next morning:

Naruto woke up to the smell of breakfast in the air, sleepily, he got out of bed and stumbled into the kitchen where everyone except Shikamaru was.

"Morning Naruto, go clean up in the bathroom over there," said Iruka, pointing with one hand while the other held a huge bowl of pancake batter.

Naruto, still being drowsy, walking into the miraculous bathroom with plumbing in the middle of the forest, and started to strip.

As said before, Naruto was drowsy, so he forgot to lock the door, and Kakashi, being as he was, had to slip past Iruka and peak into the bathroom.

Right when Kakashi's head was in the door, Naruto turned around.

"AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" was heard throughout the village as the inhabitants of the house all rushed over to the source to see what the problem was.

When they got their, they Naruto in a towel behind the shower curtain, and Kakashi in a pool of blood.

Iruka bent down to look, and confirmed that the blood did originate from Kakashi's nose.

They all then remembered that they were in a bathroom with a naked girl, so they all politely bowed their heads and left the room, dragging an unconscious Kakashi with them.

In the Kitchen:

As soon as they were away from the bathroom, Iruka got into one of his moods and started to slap Kakashi to cough wake him up.

After a couple a slaps and punches, Kakashi started to stir.

They all waited for him to be fully awake so he could fully feel them beating him up.

"She's a he" where the first words out of his mouth.

Curious, the group leaned closer and didn't start pounding him.

"What?" said Kiba.

"Naruto is a he, Naruto's a boy, and very fine boy indeed." A still semi-delirious Kakashi said.

Having got their answer, the group went to pound Kakashi.

Later, when Naruto had come out, they got the explanation from him. Turns out, Naruto didn't know the difference between a boy and a girl, but no one knew how or wanted to further educate him on what a girl looked like underneath the clothes.

This new revelation got Naruto thinking, and he thought hard until a very tough question popped up.

"So, I'm a boy, who do I love?"

"Boys of course!" shouted Kakashi as he was pounded on the head by Iruka.

"Naruto, you can love whoever you like." Said Iruka kindly, very different then how he was with Kakashi.

Naruto looked a bit troubled, and Gaara, being envious of whatever was on Naruto's mind, asked "Naruto, have you found someone?"

Naruto looked a little sheepish, but still answered. "Well, kind of, his name is Sasuke, and he's a bit of a bastard, but well…" Naruto started to blush. "He kissed me."

Iruka couldn't keep Kakashi quiet anymore, and he said, "Aww… was that Naru-Chan's first kiss?"

Naruto's blush told all.

Iruka, having enough, dragged Kakashi to the bedroom, and soon, Shikamaru came out, warning everyone about going in there.

With all the excitement over, they went to eat, just to find out that Chouji had eaten everything even if it wasn't cooked yet.

Not wanting to disturb Iruka, the rest of them settled for instant ramen, though Naruto had no problem with that. Over breakfast, she told the rest of them his story.

Soon, Iruka and Kakashi came out, looking much more disheveled then when they went in and only Naruto didn't know what had happened in there for Naruto was too innocent, only knowing to yell when something bad that you don't like happens.

Iruka declared that they were to head to work, and warned Naruto about the Queen, because for some reason, he heard the whole story.

Naruto waved goodbye alongside his fox to the guys.

"Guess it's just you and me Kyuubi." Naruto said as two identical fox grins broke out across their faces.

At the Castle:

The Queen, getting tired of waiting, had brought out here magic T.V/mirror.

"Mirror mirror on the wall, WHERE THE HELL IS MIZUKI!!!" screamed the Queen.

"Fine, quit your yapping, I was napping. Hey I rhymed, I don't do that much of the time. I guess I was a poet, and I didn't know it!" the mirror chuckled.

"Shut the hell up and tell me what I want to know!"

"Fine, don't get your knickers in a twist. Let me show you, it'll be faster that way." Said the mirror as the contents seemed to swirl.

The Queen leaned forward in her throne. She saw Mizuki saying something to Naruto, then leaning over him, from the point of view, she couldn't see much, but she saw Naruto beat up on Mizuki, talk to a fox, and take off into the woods.

"Shit, if you want something done, you do it yourself." She said as she got up and glided over to her cabinet. She opened it and started pulling whole bottles of red, blue, purple, all color liquids.

End of the First Chapter

AN: Hey Everyone! This is an experimentation fic. I just wanted to try it out. If there is enough feedback, I'll continue, if not, I'll just delete it.