Disclaimer: The characters and plotlines of CASTLE do not belong to me.
I Remember
Something inside her had snapped. That much he could discern. She was on edge and fidgety and she looked lost, something that Doctor Cameron wasn't used to seeing in a homicide detective. "I bet that you're not used to cops coming back once they've passed their psych eval," she whispered and Doctor Cameron wondered what it was that got Detective Kate Beckett so wound up.
"Everyone's different," he assured. "What's on your mind?"
Kate paused and shook her head slightly. "I don't even know where to start."
"Well, why don't we start with the shooting," he suggested. "Is any of it coming back to you?"
"I lied," Kate said after a pause, "Before,"
"What do you remember?" Doctor Cameron asked, figuring that whatever she remembered had everything to do with her agitated state now.
Kate took a couple deep, quick breaths and then said, with a hint of a smile on her lips, "I remember everything."
Doctor Cameron nodded his head, taking it all in. Right from the start he had wondered whether or not Kate was not telling him the truth, but even though he had had his suspicions there was no way to prove for sure whether or not she had been lying. Now, he knew that she had been.
"What is everything?" he asked.
Kate shook her head. "I don't want to talk about it."
"And yet you're here," he pointed out. "So what do you want to do?"
Doctor Charles Cameron watched the struggle play out on Kate's face. Kate's emotions were a tumult that she couldn't control. The last two months had been hard. Without her friends around, without HIM around she had begun to lose a little bit of herself. Then there was the biting fear that the shooter, whoever he or she was, was still out there with Kate in their crosshairs.
"Well?" Cameron prompted.
"I want to stop being afraid," she admitted, letting her guard down.
"What are you afraid of?" he asked.
"It seems like I'm afraid of everything lately," Kate said, hating herself that she had let herself come to this point.
"And what is everything?"
"What do you think?" Kate snapped, her agitation and worry turning into a hint of anger. "I'm afraid of the shooter coming after me again."
"You said that you remembered the shooting," Cameron pressed. "Tell me."
Kate's eyes fell to the ground. "I was standing on the podium, talking and the next thing I know is my name is being called, and I'm being tackled to the ground."
"So you didn't hear the gunshot?"
"I think I heard it," Kate admitted. "But I can't be sure. That's a little fuzzy."
Doctor Cameron nodded. "So you've been tackled, what next?"
"Castle," her voice almost broke on his name. "He was the one who tackled me and he was looking down at me…"
Kate trailed off and Cameron had to prompt her. "And…?"
"And he was talking," Kate continued in a whisper. "There was so much fear in his eyes, I've never seen him so afraid."
"What did he say?"
Kate gulped and looked up at Doctor Cameron. "He said that he loved me."
"And?"
"And what?" Kate asked.
"And how do you feel about him?"
Kate shook her head. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"It has to do with everything," he pointed out. "You say that you are afraid of being caught by your shooter, that is quite normal I assure you and we can work through that without a lot of difficulty. However, I sense that you're afraid of something else, something much more profound…"
Tears sprung to Kate's eyes and she blinked them away angrily. "I was so mean to him," she told the Doctor. "When I woke up, he came in with flowers and this look on his face and I… I couldn't deal. His admission of feelings were playing over and over in my head and I… I told him that I needed space. I told him that I would call him."
"And did you?"
"No," Kate admitted. "A couple days turned into a couple weeks and before I knew it my two months were up. I— I am talking to him now though. I got him back into the precinct, even though Captain Gates is against him being there and I— we're picking up from where we left off I guess."
"So you've talked about what he told you?"
Kate shook her head. "No. No I haven't told him that I know."
"So he's working with you under the assumption that you don't remember?"
Kate nodded, but said nothing.
"Then what is it that you're afraid of?"
Kate looked up. "What do you mean?"
"Well, I hope that I don't put words in your mouth but it seems to me that you're afraid of losing Castle. You deliberately pushed him away while you dealt with recovering and now you need to deal with his feelings, and yours."
"My feelings?"
"It doesn't take a genius to realize that you care deeply for this Richard Castle," Cameron pointed out. "Kate you have a wall within you, that needs to come down."
Kate shook her head. "Not until I know who shot me, and my mother…."
"You may never learn what happened, or who did it," he told her softly. "And it will kill you inside to have the burden of the cases paired with the feelings that you won't give into for him."
"Then what do you suggest?"
"I suggest that you tell him," Cameron stated simply. "Tell him that you know."
"And then what."
"Tell him how you feel."
Kate nodded. "And then?"
"And then live your life with no regrets."
Castle had just told his daughter that what he had with Kate made him happy and that it was enough for now. He was prepared to be nothing but her friend. He was prepared to work by her side, protecting her from those who wanted to kill her and from herself in most cases. Castle wasn't about to lose her again, and even though in the back of him mind he knew that if Kate ever found out that he was going through such extremes to protect her, she'd probably lose it on him— he hoped that he could get their relationship to such a place that it would come as a blow, but not a devastating blow.
His mother had gone out for the night, and Alexis had followed just behind. Castle was thinking on working on the outline for his new novel, when he tore himself away from the case board that he had set up for Kate when there was a knock at the door.
Castle went to open it and saw Kate standing there. "Hello," he greeted warmly, glad that he had shut down the computer before he came to the door. "Uh, want to come in for a drink."
"No thanks Castle," she said almost sharply as she came into the apartment.
"Then, what can I do for you?"
"You know you were right," she said, talking and walking at the same time. Castle could see that she was agitated, but he couldn't figure out why. "This case pulled me in so deep that I didn't realize how lost I was getting. And after the shooting I just needed to get away from everything… and I'm sorry that it included you too."
"I've already forgiven you for—"
"Castle you don't understand," Kate interjected. "I lied to you."
"What?"
"I lied to everyone," she continued. "About my memory, about what I remembered. When I woke up I had all these thoughts coursing through my head and I just couldn't deal with them. I couldn't deal with the sound of the gunshot, or the pain that followed I couldn't…" she paused and stopped dead, turning to face Castle squarely. "I couldn't deal with what I had heard."
"And… what did you hear?" Castle asked, feeling as though they were coming to the point of no return in their relationship and wondering if Kate was ready to cross the line that he had crossed months ago.
"I heard you," Kate answered in a broken whisper. "I heard what you said."
Castle's eyes widened. "Then why—?"
"I'm sorry," Kate apologized. "I really am. I shouldn't have treated you like that and I shouldn't have come here."
"Wait," Castle said, grabbing her hand to stop her from storming past him. "You said that you heard me?" he asked, whirling Kate around to face him. "You said that you heard what I said?"
Kate nodded but couldn't speak.
"Do you—er—are you sorry that I said…what I said."
Kate shook her head; still not able to find the words she wanted to say.
"So you're alright with me being in love with you?" Castle asked point blank.
Kate nodded. "I am," she said quietly. "I am very okay with it."
"You don't think—"
"How can it make things awkward between us when I love you too?" Kate asked, not only answering his unasked question but also telling him what she had wanted to tell him since before the shooting. Kate looked into Castle's eyes and saw the shock there. "That's right," she continued with a hint of a smile on her face. "I. Love. You. Bet you never thought that I'd say it."
"No," Castle confirmed with a smile of his own. "I didn't."
Kate smiled and gave Castle another gentle kiss. "I love you," she whispered when she pulled back. "I'm sorry for not being honest with you before."
Castle shook his head. "There's no need to apologize," he assured as he led her to sit down on the couch, deciding that if he was going to start a relationship with her, he was going to be one hundred percent honest. "Actually, I haven't been totally honest with you."
"Oh?" Kate asked. "What's going on?"
And so Castle explained. How he had received the call, how he had been told that so long as Kate kept her nose out of her mother's death and her own shooting then she'd be protected and while he explained it to her, he could see the anger and fury racing across her face. Yet when Castle was done, she had clamped down on her emotions and he had a hard time reading her.
"Please don't be mad," he begged. "I only didn't tell you.. I only thought that I wouldn't tell you because I didn't want to lose you again. You've got to believe me how much I wanted to tell you Kate. I just couldn't— I can't lose you."
Kate sat there, still as stone for a couple long seconds before she finally nodded and gave Castle's hand a tight grip. "I understand," she said quietly. "I don't like it, and it infuriates me to no end but… I understand."
"You do?"
"I do," Kate assured. "And what's more… I agree. While I need to figure this out, I need to be alive to do it and to truly be alive I need to live…" she paused and looked into Castle's eyes gratefully. "Just promise me that one day, one day when we hold all the cards we'll go after the bastards."
"I swear," Castle assured. "I want to put those bastards away."
"I'll hold you to that,"
"I'll never forget,"
Kate smiled and placed a hand on Castle's face. "I'll always remember."
END
Author's Note: So I liked the premiere, but I wanted her to tell him how he felt. This was my answer. I hope you liked it. Please review!