~Autumns Monologue
I rolled out of bed and I throw up. Hangovers aren't new to me, but i rarely throw up. how much DID I drink last night? I don't remember. After the fourth Valium and my tenth shot, I tend to lose count. My day starts off with a martini. After my martini I get dressed, do my hair, have another martini, pop a pill or three and go to breakfast, where I don't eat.
After all of this gets over (usually around 10-11), I go to work. Some would say I have the easiest job in the world. I mean, I show up late everyday. I don't use a computer, or the phone (unless Stan calls or I have to make an appointment with Pharmacist), and I can sleep. Easy, right? Wrong.
Because every time she walks in, I crumble.
Karen Walker? Crumble? Yeah, I know its a stretch, trust me, it took me some time getting used to it but I can't help it.
She walks in and says her sweet monotonous, "hello," and I smile and do the same.
But inside it feels like my organs are being melted with acid. My stomach does somersaults.
She doesn't notice. I mean, how could she? Its all going on deep inside of me. I wouldn't notice either. Its not like I'm obvious or anything.
Well, there were a few slip ups, a few kisses, but that can all be put down to my aforementioned alcohol and narcotic abuse, can't it? She'll never notice. Thank God.
I'll just continue to drink and to pop pills and do a line or two when I'm sure no one's looking. I'll be fine. I mean, I'm already fourfitwenyone years old, its not like I'm protecting this useless body for anything worthwhile. I have no kids to leave behind and my husband doesn't notice I'm there, he certainly won't notice when I'm gone.
You see, the problem is, I don't think I can go on like this much longer.
Its a viscous cycle. Wake up, puke, go to work, get torn up over Grace, go home and drink until I can't feel feelings. Wake up puke, go to work...and so on and so forth.
So what could I possibly do to change this? Run away? Find a new girl to follow around hopelessly? No, that would never work. I'd never forget her face, her smile, the way her hair falls on her face when she's bent over a sketch. That impossible to forget, trust me, I've tried. I even ran off to an island for a few months but Will was there, and you can't have a Will without a Grace and you can't run away from your problems because they always always ALWAYS have a way of catching up with you.
So I drank. I don't think I had one sober moment on that damn island, (not like that's any different from New York.)
So I came back.
A few times I thought about quitting Grace Adler Designs but that would ruin our friendship. I couldn't stand Grace being mad at me. Even if it did mean I'd never see her again I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing I hurt her. So i stay.
I know this is completely messed up but sometimes I pray for a car accident. I'm not suicidal, I just want a big semi to rear into my line putting me into a coma for life.
No more consciousness, no more pain, and that's why the drugs work so well. If i don't remember hurting, how do I know it ever hurt? I don't. I can only assume that the giant hole in my soul is from something other than the trivial toils of an average life. I'll sense its so much greater than anything a person should have to endure in one life-time.
This love is so much more real then anything I've ever experienced and its a blessing and a curse. Mostly a curse.
If she ever had me, just once, just one time...then I'd be okay. I'd know one way or the other. I'd know there was definitely no chance in hell (which is more realistic) or that maybe, just maybe there could be something between, us, something more.
THIS is what keeps me up at night. Not the not having her, but the not knowing if I have a chance.
That's what burns up my insides and makes my stomach flip.
And I don't think that with what I have left of my intestines, that I'll ever have to guts to ask her.
I'll just come to work everyday and torture myself.
I mean, the pain isn't too bad when your on horse tranquilizers.
Its just a dull throbbing that never wants to go away.
Even when I'm sleeping, I'm aware of the ever present hurt.
So what should I do? What could I do? Tell her? And then what? Live happily ever after? No. No, things are so much more complex than that. Nothing is simple when it comes to love. Especially when the other person is completely oblivious.
I'm just not sure if I can do this for the rest of my life. I really don't know.
Maybe the only way she'll ever know is if she finds this. But thats not possible.
If it is, I love you, Grace, I always have. But you don't see me. No, you don't. I'm there right in front of you every day, waiting to hold you, to love you and you don't see me. But here I am. Just open your eyes.
Karen Walker sighed. She put her words inside of an envelope that she entitled Grace and she threw it out off of her balcony. Little did she know, Grace Adler was coming to her door at that exact moment. She bent down and picked it up off of the dirty street. She noticed it said her name on the cover and as she walked into her best friend's house, she opened it...