The Following Trailer Is Rated NFM For No F##king Mercy!
From the author that can stretch out a crappy story like a piece of over chewed bubblegum, comes the latest installment to the Twilight Saga, which actually managed to be the most boring and unnecessary addition yet.
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse!
After two movies of nonstop mouth breathing and navel gazing, prepare for yet another full length feature film of the same.
Bella told Jacob to go suck a lemon in the last movie. You heard it, I heard it. But Lionsgate Entertainment has two hours to kill, so we're going to regress back to square one and do the whole damn thing all over again.
Bella and Edward have continued their relationship and are even beginning to consider marriage. Then, Bella develops feeling for Jacob right the f##k out of nowhere. So around and around we go, until Bella finally decides, again, that it is her destiny to spend an eternity with shovelface. So she tells Jacob to stuff it for a second time, and begins constructing a superweapon with the ability to destroy the minds of millions, AKA, her wedding.
Oh, and there was something about an old enemy returning with an army to exact vengeance... ah screw it, we have angsty teen commitment issues to focus on!
So prepare for a film that used its trailer to draw people in with a exciting premise about a Bladesque style alliance between vampires and werewolves in order to defeat a mutual enemy; but revealed itself to be nothing more than a marriage proposal between the two most boring people on planet earth stretched out into a two and a half hour movie that managed to gross over half a billion dollars at the box office. And witness Kristin Steward confirm once and for all that she can't act, show emotion, or close her goddamn mouth. Seriously, her teeth get more screen time than the entire Cullen family combined.
Starring:
Footface- Edward
Could use some Lockjaw- Bella
Third Wheel- Jacob
Wasted Effort- Victoria
Dead Potential- Riley Biers
The Ab Club- The Wolf Pack
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse of Creativity!
Did you know that this movie actually has an extended edition that is six minutes longer than the original cut? WTF did they need six extra minutes for?!