I knew that going to that party with Brooke was a bad idea. That morning, when she asked me if I'd go, I had a feeling that I shouldn't. If I had said no to her, then this wouldn't have happened. I wouldn't have gotten raped.
No one knows and I don't plan on telling anybody. Not even Lucas, my boyfriend. He has enough things to worry about. I'm not going to tell him. If I did tell him, I wonder what his reaction would be...He'd probably be pissed. He'd want to find out who did it to me so he could punch his face in. The truth is, I don't want to tell anyone because I don't want people to feel sorry for me. If people started saying how sorry they are, I'd start bawling and I probably would never stop.
Anyways, I just wanted to to get it out in the open, so that when I go and see Luke, I won't be tempted to tell him anything. I'm going to go and see him right now. So I'll leave you with one of my most favorite quotes. My best friend Brooke told me this after we were attacked by this guy pretending to me my half-brother.
"There is one day that you'll realize you're not just a survivor, you're a warrior."
I want to paint my face
and pretend that I am someone else.
Sometimes I get so fed up
I don't even want to look at myself.
Peyton got up from her place in front of her computer. She walked over to her bed and grabbed her Emily The Strange sweatshirt and walked out of her room, down the stairs, and outside. She was nervous, she was going to see Lucas, the love of her life and she didn't want to have a mental breakdown.
But people have problems that are worse than mine.
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time.
And I hate the way you look at me I have to say
I wish I could start over.
She arrived at Lucas's house at about quarter past one in the afternoon. As she slowly walked towards his bedroom door, she started having second thoughts. She turned around and right when she was halfway down the walkway she heard his door open.
"Hey Blondie." He smiled at her as she turned back to face him. Lucas immediately got worried. He could see that her skin was paler than usual and she was shaking, badly.
Peyton just stood there, looking at him. Tears started to form. C'mon Peyton, get your ass out of there before you say something, she thought to herself. Too late. She ran into Lucas's arms. He wrapped his arms around her, and stroked her hair, trying to calm her down.
I am slowly falling apart.
I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start.
You might think it's easy being me.
You just stand still, look pretty.
"Shh...It's okay, sweetie. I'm here." He whispered, setting his chin on the top of her head, rubbing her back. He guided Peyton into his room. They sat down on his bed and he pulled her into his lap, her head against his chest.
After she calmed down a little and wasn't crying hard anymore, he started asking her questions. He tilted her head up with his hand and smiled sadly at her.
"Tell me what's wrong?" He whispered. Peyton thought for a second. There was no way of getting out of this one. Finally she nodded slowly.
Sometimes I find myself shaking
in the middle of the night
and then it hits me and I can't
even believe this is my life.
"You remember that party Brooke and I went to in Charlotte?" She asked hoarsely. He nodded. "Well, after we were there for a while, I noticed this guy staring at me." She paused and took a breath. Lucas could feel her body tense up against his. He rubbed circles on her back and she relaxed a little. "Brooke had just gone to the bathroom and I walked out to the car, I didn't know that he was following me." She started crying again and Lucas pulled her close to him and kissed her forehead.
"It's okay. Shh..." He started rocking her back and forth.
"He grabbed me from behind and started ripping my clothes off." She sobbed. Lucas was now fuming. He kissed her forehead again.
"It's okay, I'm here." He said softly. "I'm here. He's not going to get you again. I promise. I'll protect you." Peyton smiled sadly. She was glad that she had him. He understood her so well, and he was always there for her, no matter what. She continued on with the story.
"I tried to push him off, but he was too strong. He raped me, Luke." She laid her head on his shoulder and he wrapped his arms protectively around her.
Lucas couldn't believe that this was happening. Why would someone want to do something like this to someone? Especially someone as special as Peyton. His Peyton. "Shh... It's okay. I'm here. Nothing is going to happen to you." He whispered in her ear.
"No Luke, it's not okay." She looked up at her, tears streaming down her cheeks. "My dad's gone on a trip, he's gonna be gone for a couple months. I can't be alone there, I just can't." She started crying again.
"Hey, it's okay. You can stay here. I'll talk to my mom. I'm sure she'll be fine with it. Besides, you practically live here anyways." He smiled. "Just relax and get some sleep. We'll deal with all of this later." Peyton shook her head.
"I can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes I see him." Luke smiled.
"Sweetie, he's not going to come back. Especially with me with you." Peyton smiled and he wiped a tear that was sliding down her face. "I can be your knight in shining armor." Peyton laughed and buried her face in his shoulder.
"I love you Lucas Scott."
"I love you too, Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer, more than you'll ever know."
He sung to her softly, trying to get her to relax and go to sleep. She smiled as she listened to her favorite person sing her favorite song.
To make a mountain of your life is just a choice
but I've never learned enough to
listen to the voice that told me
always love
hate will get you every time
always love
don't wait til the finish line