Secrets
He'd gone through the house a hundred times and documented each piece of evidence. It didn't matter that it was his house. It felt like a crime scene. His life had been taken and he wanted it back. He chose to follow reasoning rather than his heart. He told himself the evidence never lies. He'd told her that when he was the professor and she was his student.
He shook off the memory as he focused on the task.
Focus on the evidence.
The evidence doesn't lie.
Her shoes…
Those were her favorite running shoes. She ran every day in those shoes. They remained under the bed just where she hid them from Hank. Surely she would have taken them if she did not intend to come back
Her hat and jacket…
He remembered that day she wore them when he admitted he'd never become interested in beauty until her. It had shocked her and inwardly he was glad she still seemed interested in such a screwed up man as he. He remembered how he had wrapped that very scarf around her wrists pinning her against the counter in the kitchen as he made love to her. She said she never wanted to lose that scarf.
Her keepsakes…
She never really had much but that which she valued remained in the top of their closet. He pulled them down and memorized every piece. He especially loved the few photos of Sara as a child. Her face was always innocent looking but there was a haunting look in her eyes that told him she had already seen too much horror of the world in her youth. He'd looked into those eyes a thousand times and never tired of the soul looking back at him. He gulped back another wave of emotion.
Her book…
He'd given her a book of poetry that first year for Christmas. She had smiled when she saw that it was not another Entomology textbook. Her bookmark still remained where she had stopped reading and he could not for the life of him figure why she would leave it behind. It was something she cherished and kept by her bedside on sleepless nights when he had been working. He often would find it still tucked under her pillow when he turned in to sleep. He could still remember his exact words the moment she opened the Christmas gift.
"Some people say it better than others," he had whispered. "In case you forget…how I really feel."
He nodded as if he'd found the one piece of evidence that proved his theory. He pulled out the letter she had left months ago. The letter had been painful to read but in the end he knew she loved him. He also knew she had not wanted to leave and that she was not leaving him, but she left in order to help herself. She had later told him it had been the hardest thing she had ever done. She had left to avoid letting him see her self –destruct. It was a just a matter of days or weeks depending on the draw of the case. The cases had always seemed to dictate her life.
Self destruction would have been inevitable if she had stayed.
She just needed time and space…
She's coming back….
You'll see…
She's not really gone…
He patted Hank on the head.
It gave him little comfort as he rolled over to face another sleepless shift.
The unthinkable happened.
Warrick died.
It was death that drove her away and it was death that brought her back.
Neither was really good at death.
For two people who'd seen more death than anyone should, they hid from it, blocked it out by locking themselves in the bedroom for hours of lovemaking.
He'd pulled her into his arms and made love to her. It was desperate and needful but then they were each using the other as a means of coping with their friend's death.
He had been hopeful when she moved about the house as if she had never left while he struggled to maintain some kind of normalcy at work. When she talked of leaving he had taken his pain and lashed out at her through his words.
She had left without a word this time.
He'd sat there on their bed and swiped at his eyes.
He'd been fine until this goodbye.
He had just learned to live and now he realized that he didn't know how to live without Sara.
He told himself to look at the evidence once more and he would come to the same conclusion again.
She's not really gone…for good…
She had left her things just as before but his words had been damaging and somehow he thought she just might ask him to send them to her.
He wouldn't.
He'd make her come and get them.
He'd make her come back and face him but then he planned to beg her to stay.
He could do that.
He wasn't above begging but then something unexpected happened.
The video arrived.
He felt his heart shatter as he stood there listening to her video goodbye. He struggled to maintain his balance and found himself adrift with nothing to ground him. The others looked to him for guidance in their worst hour as the lab tried to move on with the loss of Warrick.
Warrick's death was felt every day.
Grissom set the example as he worked and worked.
What else could he do?
All sense of balance between living and working came to a screeching halt. He'd fumbled through the cases, not sure of his actions and wondered how he would ever get through her goodbye.
He couldn't.
He wouldn't.
He made up an excuse to ask Heather for her expertise on a case.
He didn't really need the advice.
He just needed Heather.
In truth, he needed to see someone who understood him.
She did.
In fact, she knew him probably more than Sara because there was no need to hide anything from Heather. He knew she would accept him just as he had accepted her.
With Sara, he feared that if he displayed all of his fallacies for her to see, she would not want him anymore.
When Heather summed up what he'd been feeling for weeks, he knew he'd come to the right person. He also knew that when she offered him a place to live, he would move in immediately because he did not know how to live alone anymore.
Sara had done that.
He'd curled up on Heather's guest bed and had even asked Heather to stay with him.
She had.
She had sat in a chair and pulled out a book she had been reading and quietly pretended to read as he cried softly.
He didn't know why he did not seem to find any difficulty in displaying his true feelings to her when he hid from everyone else.
He knew she was a safe place to fall apart and he did so for several hours as she remained by his side in silence. His hand reached out and grabbed hers. She let him take it. She even let him pull her into his arms. He cried Sara's name over and over until he had fallen asleep while Heather gently consoled him.
She can't be really gone…
When it was time for shift, Heather gently woke him. He was surprised when he found some of his things lying in a chair.
"I took the liberty of sending someone to pick up a few things for you," Heather said quietly.
"Thank you," he'd managed to say before slipping into the bathroom to shower.
When he stepped out, she was sitting in a chair waiting for him.
"Would you like for me to have your things delivered here?" she asked.
He took everything she offered.
She made things simple again.
Sara used to do that.
She had managed the most minute details but everything came to a screeching halt with her departure from his life and he needed to be cared for again.
"Thank you," he whispered.
Life for Gil Grissom was slowly returning to some semblance of the past before Sara Sidle had broken his heart.
Sara called.
Brass was surprised when she did.
He had managed to track her down a few months ago in San Francisco and had visited her.
It took her by surprise.
It took him by surprise.
Her secret had now been revealed and he found himself in an awkward situation.
He wanted to call Grissom but in the end she had managed to get a promise out of him which he was sure would end a twenty year friendship.
He decided it was worth the risk.
She had been distraught.
She had a right to be.
His friend had turned her away when they needed each other the most.
He had hoped she would stay but in the end she left without so much of a goodbye or a kiss.
Of course, she sent that video letting him know she was happy.
You don't have to worry about me anymore…
I'm happy…
I thought we could weather anything…
Neither had spoken to one another for months.
Brass sat there now holding her hand.
He had panicked when he received the phone call.
It was cryptic.
"Please come. I need you," she had whispered.
It was all that needed to be said.
He smiled when her eyes opened.
"Hey kiddo," Brass said softly.
"Sorry, I had to call you…there was no one else," she said.
"I'm here. I'm glad you called," he said.
"They insisted on having someone here," she said.
"Want to tell me what happened?" he asked.
"Car ran the red light," she said flinching slightly when she tried to sit up.
"Don't move," he said. "The nurse told me you should be still."
She tensed.
He felt it.
"Want me to get the nurse?" he asked.
She shook her head.
"Listen. I've been quiet for a long time," he said as he held her hand firmly. "We need to call him."
"No!"
"Sara, he needs to be here," said Brass.
"He doesn't care…anymore. I gave him a chance but he never bothered to…come to me."
"He would have come had he known about the baby."
"He should have come…but he chose her."
He moved in with Heather…
He ran to her and not me…
He became frightened when she squeezed his hand.
It hurt.
"Contraction?" he asked.
She nodded letting the fear show in her eyes.
He was up now getting a nurse.
He was shoved to the side as the nurse called in the doctor. He felt his blood pressure rise with each contraction and the looks on the other's faces.
It was too soon.
He slipped outside and pulled out his phone.
He cursed when he could not be reached with the first try.
He tried again.
He tried once more when more staff rushed into the room and now Sara was unconscious and they were wheeling her away with a nurse yelling that her pressure was dropping. He held his breath as he watched them work on her in the hallway and then they were rushing her into the elevator while he stood there with a phone in his hand listening to his voice mail once again.
He thought to throw the phone across the room when he heard a familiar voice.
He flipped it open immediately.
"You called," came Grissom's voice.
"I need you here now!" yelled Brass.
"What's happened?"
"It's Sara. You've got to come now…she needs you," said Brass.
"I'm on my way…where is she?" he asked nervously.
"Desert Palms Hospital…Gil, you need to get here immediately."
He heard his friend lose control for a moment.
"I'm on my way."
Brass sat there in the waiting room and began the long wait.
An hour passed and a physician hurried out.
"Mr. Brass?"
"Yes," he answered.
"Ms. Sidle is stable again. We're going to try to delay the delivery as much as possible."
"How is the baby?"
"He's in distress. We're watching his vitals. If they drop any further, we'll have no choice but to do an emergency delivery."
"What's the likelihood he'll survive?"
"It's not good. He's very premature. His lungs are not functioning…the longer we can delay the delivery, the better chance he'll have."
"Does she know this?"
"Yes. We told her since she didn't list the father on the emergency form."
"He's on his way."
"Good. I'm not sure how this is going to go. Ms. Sidle is refusing to let us treat her. She could be bleeding internally but she won't risk any harm to the baby."
"Could I see her?" he asked.
"In a few minutes," said the doctor.
He felt someone touch his arm and he turned to see a very tired Grissom standing there.
"How is she?" he asked.
"Is this the father?" asked the physician.
"Sara is my wife," announced Grissom.
Brass stared at his friend.
"I wasn't aware Ms. Sidle was married," said the physician as he looked at Brass.
"Sara is very private," said Brass.
"I can assure you we're married," said Grissom.
"Good. We'll have to ask you to make some difficult decisions," said the physician.
Grissom swallowed hard, "What decisions?"
"It may come down to Sara's life or the baby's."
Brass watched as all color left his friend's face.
A feather could have knocked him over at that moment.
Note from author:
Welcome everyone. To everyone new, my rules are rather simple. The story is already completed but just needs to be proofread by me. I will post a chapter every day and sometimes another chapter in the evenings. All I ask is for you to leave a review for each chapter. This is my alternate Universe so events will be quite different. I am currently working on a CSI story that I wish I could post now but it's just not finished….sigh…oh well. Due to requests, I have decided to go ahead and post this one while I finish the other. Enjoy.
Take care!