In hindsight, yes: it had been a monumentally bad idea.
To be perfectly honest, Kon knew it was a bad idea from the moment the plan sprang into his head, but he had no intention of letting that stop him. A chance like this would probably never come up again, and damned if he was going to let it slip through his felt fingers.
Ichigo's insane father had dragged him and his sisters out of the house to go to the movies, and only a scant ten minutes later, Rukia-nee-san had been abruptly called away to dispatch a Hollow. In the final bit of miraculous good fortune, Rukia's excitable gikongan was currently being upgraded at Urahara's shop, so nee-san's gigai lay propped up in a corner of the closet, alone and unattended.
Kon approached the gigai with the deliberating air of a gourmand studying the menu of a five-star restaurant. Nee-san's body might not carry the same explosive oomph as Orihime-chan's or Rangiku-san's, but Kon was far from blind to her charms. Now, how to begin...
The gigai's legs just happened to have fallen (or possibly nee-san had had the presence of mind to arrange them so before she left) in such a way that, despite the short skirt of her high school uniform, not a glimpse of panty could be seen. A small noise of frustration escaped Kon's plush body, and he reached out a paw to shove a leg aside. His arm stopped, however, before he met his goal, and he groaned, surprised that he seemed to be thwarted by a case of his own morals. It just didn't seem right, touching nee-san's body like this when there was no one in it. Besides, all he really wanted to do was look; it wasn't as if he could even really feel anything in this plush body, even if he'd wanted to--
And here, of course, is where the bad idea rounded a corner and became a horrible one.
It was simple enough to scale the stack of futons the gigai was resting against, and from there, Kon positioned himself so his mouth hovered just millimeters about the faux body's slightly parted lips. He took a moment to squeeze his eyes shut tight and imagine he was stealing nee-san's first kiss, and then with his free arm, he smacked the back of his head with all the strength he could muster.
The small, round pill that held all of Kon's essence popped from the mouth of the now-limp lion plushie, and into Rukia's gigai.
Kon fluttered open the gigai's eyelids, imagining them batting prettily just for him. Realizing the plan was a success, he cackled in delight at his genius, and paused in wonder at how light and feminine his laughter sounded coming from nee-san's lips. He stretched, getting a feel for the unfamiliar body, and as he did so, looked down in wonder at the slight outward thrust of Rukia's modest bosom. Kon gave a contented sigh. Forget that bastard Ichigo's body; nee-san was a delicate flower and he intended to enjoy every moment in her gigai. Although...this bow at the collar of Rukia's uniform blouse felt a bit constricting... Kon loosened it and began to undo the top few blouse buttons just for good measure.
"Rukia!" The voice was a harsh hiss, unmistakably Ichigo's. Shit! What was that bastard doing back already? "Rukia," Ichigo continued, a bit louder, "you here?" Kon froze, fingers at the newly-explosed flesh just below Rukia's throat. He could hear Ichigo pounding up the stairs, and winced as the footsteps entered the bedroom.
As far as Kon could see, he was dead. If Ichigo knew what he was up to, he'd grind Kon's soul pill into a fine dust under the heel of one of his ridiculous shoes--or worse, that bastard would tell nee-san, and then Kon would really be dead.
Naturally, Kon did what anyone with even the slightest bit of a self-preservation instinct would do in that particular situation. He took a deep breath, swallowed, and prepared to give the performance of his life. "Ichigo!" he said in his best imitation of the exasperated tone nee-san so often took with the orange-haired idiot. "What are you doing back?" Kon leaned forward and rocked up onto the gigai's heels, jumping from the closet in an easy motion.
"I told Dad I just remembered I had a report to finish for school," Ichigo said, looking far cockier than he should have for coming up with such a feeble-minded excuse. Then his eyebrows furrowed even more deeply than usual (if Kon hadn't been witness to such a happening at least twelve times a day, he would never have believed that feat to be possible) as he gave Rukia a confused look. "What the hell are you doing in my closet again, anyway?"
Kon turned away quickly and flapped a hand. "Nostalgia. You wouldn't understand."
Out of the corner of the gigai's eye, Kon saw Ichigo shake his head in disbelief. "Fine. Whatever. ...So." He reached a hand behind his head to scratch the back of his neck. When he spoke again, his voice was softer. "Um. Is Kon around?"
Kon barely managed to swallow a squeak of fear. He spoke quickly, and in the sweetest and--he hoped--most sincere voice he could muster. "No! He's...I haven't seen him all day. It's just you and me. Completely alone in an empty house!" He turned back to face Ichigo, to see if he was buying it, and found Rukia's gigai abruptly and completely enfolded in Ichigo's arms.
"Good." Ichigo's voice was low and smiling, and he began to bend over, his lips pressed softly together with just the slightest hint of a pucker, and--oh god!
Kon pistoned out the gigai's arms and tried to free himself from Ichigo's amorous embrace. "No-! W-waaait a minute, you bastard!"
Ichigo's breath came out in a harsh whuff as Kon's reaction caught him full in the chest. "Ow! Rukia! What the hell-?"
No no no nonono! This wasn't happening. Kon took the gigai's head in his hands, moaning in horror. This meant that nee-san and Ichigo must be--how dare they sneak around like that! --And, worse, right now he, Kon, was supposed to be Rukia! Kon felt the faux body's stomach turn at the thought.
Ichigo was eyeing him suspiciously. Shit! Kon did some hasty calculations; which was worse: certain death, or the prospect of making out with Ichigo? Damn it. This was a toughie.
In the end, he was forced into a decision by Ichigo. The surly substitute shinigami drew back, crossing his arms, and Kon swore he could see the gears turning somewhere behind those furrowed eyebrows. Before Ichigo could put two and two together, Kon launched Rukia at him and hugged him tightly around the waist, suppressing a shudder. "I'm sorry!" he lilted in what he hoped was the sort of voice nee-san would use in such a situation. "You just surprised me."
The bastard still looked doubtful, and in desperation, Kon jumped up and wrapped the gigai's arms behind Ichigo's neck, pulling him down for what would likely be a...kiss. Kon only hoped he could manage to keep from gagging.
Kon registered a look of pleasant surprise from Ichigo--well, nee-san probably wasn't this aggressive normally; not if it was only Ichigo she had to play tonsil hockey with--and then their faces were too close and all Kon could see was a big blur of orange and scowling eyebrows. He closed the Rukia's eyes, hoping it would be easier to bear that way, and Ichigo's lips came into contact with his.
Pretend it's nee-san, pretend it's nee-san, pretend it's nee-san, Kon repeated to himself, until he remembered again that for all intents and purposes, he was nee-san right now. Pretend it's Orihime-chan, pretend it's Orihime-chan, pretend it's Orihime-chan,he amended. Actually, that wasn't a half-bad mental picture. Nee-san and Orihime-chan made a pretty pair together. And, of course, why stop there when you can add Rangiku-san to the mix?
Without meaning to, Kon let out a breathy moan. Ichigo seemed to take that as encouragement, sliding his tongue into the slightly parted lips of Rukia's gigai. Okay, this was just too weird. Kon froze, though Ichigo didn't seem to notice at all. He finally came up for air and let one of his hands slide to the exposed skin at Rukia's collar bone, slowing working his fingers beneath the half-undone blouse. Kon risked cracking open an eye, and, at the sight that greeted him from beneath Ichigo's armpit, realized he had just kissed that bastard for nothing and was still, in fact, about to die.
"Ichigo! What the hell are you doing with my gigai?"
Ichigo's hands were off of the gigai instantly, as if it were suddenly boiling hot. He whirled toward his bedroom window. "Ruki--what the fuck?!"
Kon, now resigned to the fact of his untimely death, decided he might as well go out happy, and quickly tugged at the open collar of Rukia's school blouse. Buttons went flying everywhere as Kon clutched hands to the gigai's chest, sighing in pleasure at the soft, warm feel of nee-san's pert breasts.
All things considered, it was almost worth it.