Disclaimer: I own naught. Am simply joyously toiling in the fields of fandom. Tralalala!

Erised Pain by Nyu-sama

Chapter 1: Through the Looking Glass

Harry felt tired. It was a numbing sort of tired, the kind that made the world spin around you like a blur. Colours flashed by him, he heard voices call to him; but what he saw and what he heard didn't always register. Most days he lived through as a zombie. Not dead but not alive. He'd given up Quidditch; he didn't care to play anymore. He'd given up studying; his marks didn't matter anymore. His professors and the headmaster always looked at him with a prying concern, but they never said anything. There was nothing for them to say.

There wasn't much for anyone to say. Ron and Hermione looked after him; making sure he ate and dressed warm enough. If they didn't he probably would've starved or frozen to death already. He didn't notice things like that anymore. All he could feel was the pain inside. It ripped at him like daggers; the guilt. He was too weak, it was all his fault. Cedric's death, Sirius death, even his parents' deaths he blamed himself for. And all the deaths that were to come. It was all his fault.

These feelings pressed down upon him, smothering everything else. He didn't know what he wanted anymore. He didn't want to be a hero, he didn't know if he even wanted to be a wizard anymore, but he couldn't fathom being normal either. This bothered him; surely he should want something from life. He thought he wanted family. But now the idea of family scared him, it was just more people to lose.

What did he want? He couldn't think of one thing he wanted. Everything seemed futile. Bu this lack of desire haunted him. He knew it was unnatural. But how to fix it? He only knew one way.

So late one night armed with the marauders map and covered in his cloak of invisibility he stalked the halls of the castle. He would find it; he knew he would, though he had no idea where to look. He simply let his feet guide him all over the castle, until he opened a door and saw it there. Ominous and powerful it stood, the window to his subconscious, the Mirror of Erised.

He felt a bit of fear then. The fear that he would look into it and see nothing. But it drew him in, and he looked into the mirror. He saw his reflection. He felt defeated, but then he saw himself reach up and touch the mirror. He thought it strange. His desire was to touch the mirror? This didn't make much sense, but he didn't argue. He reached up and touched the mirror, his hand directly over the hand he saw in the mirror. But beneath his fingers the surface was not smooth, it felt like liquid. Before this anomaly could register in his mind, he felt himself falling. He plunged through water like a hurtling bullet. The cold pierced through him, ripping into his heart, washing it clean. He felt his feet touch ground, and opened his eyes. He saw the room he had just been in, but not quite. Everything was flipped here, like a mirrored reflection.

The mirror was in this room too, but now he could see that its surface was liquid by the way it waved. He though about walking back through it. But he felt a hand on his shoulder. He abruptly turned around and looked into the eyes of Draco Malfoy.

Yet was it really Draco Malfoy? Something was different, he was flipped as well. Left and right had switched places in this world. The world behind the mirror.

"What are you doing here Malfoy?" Harry's voice was hoarse and tired like the rest of him. Draco's voice however was light and teasing.

"You should know Potter. This is the world of your desires."

"My desires? Then what are you doing here?"

"Who would you rather have?"

Harry shrugged. Why Malfoy? Of course, why not Malfoy? Harry felt in odd sort of consolation with his presence. Malfoy would not try to comfort him. Malfoy would not patronize him. Malfoy would not give him sympathetic and concerned looks. Malfoy would not act like he was a hero and saviour of the world. Malfoy would treat him with indifference. Harry could not ask for more than that.

"No one." He answered finally.

Draco nodded smugly. "No one else is here. There is no Voldemort, there is no Dumbledore. It's just us."

Harry stood silent for a moment, thinking. Then he grabbed Draco and kissed him hard. Draco pulled back sharply and slapped Harry across the face. Pinpricks of blood trickled down where Draco's nails had contacted with flesh. Harry smiled, a bit giddy. He touched his cheeked and looked at the blood on his fingers, this made him feel alive.

"Hit me again." He said.

Draco looked nonplussed. "If you'd wanted me to beat you to a bloody pulp Potter, all you had to do was say so."

"Beat me to a bloody pulp."

So Draco advanced. At first Harry stood still, taking the beating. Then he felt his inner resolve strengthen, and began to fight back. When both boys were too bloody and exhausted to continue, they lied down next to each other on the stone floor.

Neither spoke for a while.

An hour later Harry sat up. "It doesn't hurt anymore."

"Are you sure? I thought I'd broken your nose for sure."

"I think you did too," Harry gingerly touched the misshapen lump in the centre of his face. "But that wasn't what I meant. Inside. Inside it doesn't hurt."

"Oh, I see. You've finally let your rage out then."

"I think so. I guess I could go back through now."

Draco frowned. "Why would you want to? You go back out there and you'll just have to face it all again. Here none of it matters. Here you're safe."

"You think I should stay here? With just you, in a place that isn't real?"

"If you wanted other people they would be here. And this place is better than reality. Do you really want to leave?"

Harry shrugged, Draco continued. "There's nothing to worry about here, no responsibilities."

Harry let out a long ragged sigh, "but I still have responsibilities back there."

"Do you want those responsibilities?"

"No, but not wanting them doesn't make them go away."

"Here it does."

Harry shrugged again, and then turned towards the mirror. It still rippled like water, but when he reached out to touch it the surface turned hard. Harry whirled back around to Draco and looked at him accusingly. "How do I get out?"

"You can't"

"Why can't I?"

"Because you don't really want to. You're acting out of obligation not desire, until you actually desire to leave you won't be able to."

There was nothing Harry could say to this. So he just lay back down by Draco. If he couldn't leave no one could blame him for staying. He let out a pent up sigh and smiled.

Harry's absence did not go unnoticed. The mysterious disappearance of Harry Potter was the most common topic for conversation around the school. When Draco Malfoy heard of this he simply shrugged, gave a sarcastic remark and smirked.

Some of the teachers and students were frantic though. Especially Ron and Hermione, they were devastatingly worried. Dumbledore however, seemed nonchalant, as if students disappeared all the time without a word goodbye. "Harry will come back to us when he's ready." Was all he would say. The newspapers were having a heyday with the story and various speculations about Harry sneaking off to defeat Voldemort in secret. They would've been highly disappointed if they'd known Harry was lying by the lake in his mirror world, sipping pumpkin juice and bantering with a faux Draco Malfoy.

Harry didn't know how long he'd been trapped in the mirror. But he didn't really care; he was enjoying himself way too much. He felt no burdens weighing upon him, no guilt either. For the first time in what seemed like ages, Harry was happy.

He'd taken up flying again; racing with Draco for hours, tossing the quaffle back and forth, and also hunting for the ever-elusive snitch. He'd forgotten how much he loved the simple pleasures of flying. It was these small things that made life worth living, he realized. He looked for these tiny pleasures now; swimming, watching cloud formations, gazing at the stars, eating chocolate, and teasing Draco. He especially liked teasing Draco. He found it odd the way he felt his feelings towards Draco changing. And he started to think that maybe his desire for Draco to be the only person here was more than just a want to be treated with the indifference Draco's company afforded him.

One morning Harry wandered down to the dungeons to test this theory. He banged on the door of the Slytherin portrait hole. "Oi, Malfoy! Are you up and dressed yet, you vain git!" Moments later Draco opened the portrait looking miffed, toothbrush in hand. "What do you want Potter?" he said dryly.

"I had a question."

"It couldn't wait until after breakfast?"

"Mmmm, no. Not as such."

"Really? Such urgency, I suppose it's important then. Oh well, you'll have to wait till I've finished brushing my teeth. So sorry." And with that he shut the portrait door in Harry's face. Harry smiled; he'd actually grown to enjoy the altercations they had. It really was a lot of fun. Why hadn't he let it be fun before? He couldn't remember, that life in the other Hogwarts seemed so long ago.

When Draco finally emerged fully ready to face the day, he saw Harry leaning against the wall waiting for him. "Honestly Draco, it shouldn't take half the morning to dress."

"I don't know what you're talking about Harry. It's only eight. Really, some people need specific amounts of beauty sleep. But I suppose you wouldn't know anything about that now would you?"

Harry laughed in response. Interestingly enough, Harry was finding himself less and less tired. Sleep seemed rather tedious now. There was so much he'd rather do.

"Now what did you want so urgently answered?" Draco questioned with a raised eyebrow.

"I decided it could wait until after breakfast. I got quite hungry waiting for you."

They made their way to the great hall continuing to banter.

After breakfast they sat on the grass outside enjoying one of Harry's new pastimes, cloud watching.

"That one looks a little like a bent up dragonfly, don't you think?"

"No, it rather reminds me of Trelawny."

"Well same thing then."

They chuckled together.

"So Harry, the question. Are you ever going to ask me?"

"Oh yes that. I was wondering what you'd do if I kissed you again."

"Kissed me? Hum, not sure actually. I might kick your ass, but then I don't fancy getting up. I'm quite comfortable just now."

"Well I suppose I'll have to test you then."

So he did. Draco responded eagerly to the kiss, and Harry was quite pleased. When they broke apart, Harry lay on his back. "Thought as much."

"Thought what?"

"I have a fancy for you."

Draco shrugged. "Not surprising really. I am ridiculously good looking, and with all your pent up raging you're sure to have stunted your sexual growth."

"Well that doesn't sound good."

"Oh well, you're catching up now. Realizing things and all. Before you know it you'll be all mature and well adjusted. Well as well adjusted as you could ever hope for."

Harry smiled, then frowned, thinking. "But why you Draco?"

"Mmmm?"

"Why do I fancy you, of all people?"

"Thin line between love and hate, Harry. I've probably managed more emotional responses from you then anyone. Always keeping you riled, tense, and flustered. Closest thing you ever got to feelings of sexual tension."

"It sounds so logical when you say it."

"Course it does. I'm me, aren't I?"

Harry grimaced. "No actually, you're not you. Not really anyway. Would the real Draco Malfoy just let me kiss him? Or give insight into my subconscious?"

Faux Draco just shrugged. "Who knows? Maybe he'll surprise you someday."

Harry shrugged in return. "Well, I sure as hell have surprised myself."

A good deal of days filled of bantering, flying, lying about, and kissing later. Harry became resolved. "I have to go Draco."

"Go? Where? Hogsmead for more chocolate?"

Harry shook his head sadly, "no, back out."

"On that again are we? Do you really think you can?"

Harry nodded, "I want to go back, Draco. I like being here with you, but I can face all that now. I really can. And for the first time I think I actually want to be their hero. I want to defeat Voldemort."

"You're kidding right?"

"No Draco. I'm dead serious."

"Dead is right. Do you realize what could happen if you go out there? Here you're safe and happy. Why leave for that shit."

"Destiny calls maybe?" Harry smiled, Draco frowned.

"So you're really going then."

Harry nodded. He turned away and found his way back to the room housing the mirror, Draco followed.

"Well good luck, you sodding ponce. God knows you'll need it." Draco drawled, hands in pockets.

"Thanks Draco. I'm really going to miss you out there. We've had fun haven't we?"

"If being stuck with only you for company can ever be considered fun."

Harry took Draco's sarcasm as positive affirmation. He embraced Draco for the last time, kissing him tenderly.

"Goodbye then." Harry approached the mirror and stepped through it. The faux Draco just watched looking slightly annoyed.

This time when Harry passed through he mirror, he felt himself shooting upward like a rocket. He felt alive with anticipation. When his feet hit the stone floor on the other side he noticed two things, his invisibility cloak was gone and having everything flipped right ways around really bothered him now. He brushed these aside, determined not to let this world ruin his newfound spirits. As he turned to leave the room and rejoin the real world, he looked back into the mirror and saw Draco looking at him with an expression that said 'so you're really going to go through with this?'

"Yes, I am." Harry said to himself and went outside.

No, this is not the end. Much more to come.

Can Harry really be happy in the real world?

And what about his fancy for Draco?

Chapter 2: A Jabberwocky of the Heart should be up soon.

Please review, it'd be muchly appreciated!

Ja!

-Nyu