Disclaimer: Harry Potter, his friends, enemies and all respective items and characters (beasts or beings) from the novels and novellas of J. K. Rowling are hers by moral right and legal copyright.
Summary: COMPLETED The day after Harry Potter defeats Voldemort. A one shot parody of all the fan fics I have read recently and mine as well. Warning mention of adult themes and bad language.
Just A Normal Day
Albus Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, sat in his office contemplating the recent fall of the Dark Lord. Severus Snape strode into the headmasters presence looking even more manic than usual.
"Severus, would you care for a lemon drop?" the Headmaster asked.
"No Albus I would not." Snape said in his usual tone of distain. "What I would like… What I insist on having is…"
"Headmaster!" Hermione Granger shrieked as she and Ronald Weasley ran into the office. "Madam Promfrey told us to tell you that Harry will be released in a few minutes. Isn't it great that he has recovered completely so quickly."
"Miss Granger," Snape sneered, "it is not polite to interrupt your superiors. One hundred and seventeen points from Gryffindor. Now Headmaster what I insist on is having…"
"Headmaster," Mrs Weasley said barging into the office, "Where's Harry? We have got to tell him…"
"Madam!" Snape yelled, "Kindly wait until I have finished speaking with the Headmaster. Now Headmaster as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted…"
Gin Weasley ran into the room shrieking excitedly. Unfortunately the young teenagers soprano voice sounded like a thousand fingernails being dragged across a blackboard. The others in the office tried to cover their ears to keep the sound out but it was all-pervasive.
"GIN!" Ron yelled, "Pack it in for Merlin's sake."
"Sorry everyone." Gin said as she continued to bounce around the office. "I just so excited about Harry. I finally get to tell him…"
"Where's Potter?" Draco Malfoy asked loudly as he entered, "I'm a Veela and Potter is my…"
"SURPRISE!" Sirius Black yelled as he jumped through the doors, "I'm not dead after all, you see it is a bit of a funny story. After I fell through the veil…"
"Black if you can't die properly at least shut up until I tell the Headmaster…" Snape yelled.
"Guess who I have with me." Remus Lupin yelled as he too barged into the room. Following him where two people who were suppose to be dead.
"Lily? James? Is that you?" Sirius screamed as he recognised them.
"Yup Padfoot its us." James said.
"No! It can't be." Snape stammered.
"I missed you too Snivellus." James Potter said smiling savagely.
"James, leave Severus alone." Lily Potter rebuked her husband.
"Yes dear. Now where is my son?" James asked aloud.
"He'll be here in a moment." Hermione Granger said.
"I thought you were dead." Ron Weasley stated shocked.
"No, we just let everyone think that." James Potter replied.
"Now see here Dumbledore," Cornelius Fudge ranted as he came into the office followed by four Aurors. "The boy is under arrest."
"You can't arrest Harry." Mr Weasley yelled, "We are adopting him. He's our new son."
"I can arrest him." Cornelius Fudge replied pompously, "He J-walked across the street last time he visited Hogsmead. We can't let that sort of behaviour go unpunished. I'm throwing him into Azkaban for life without a trial."
"Life in Azkaban for J-walking? Are you mad?" Sirius yelled.
"Special circumstances." Fudge replied.
"What special circumstances?" Sirius demanded.
"I don't like him. He makes me look incompetent." Fudge replied, "Don't I know you?"
"Ah! No! No! Never met. Prongs help me out here." Sirius said backing away from the Minister and his Aurors quickly. He was after all still wanted for things even worse than J-walking.
"Minister, I'm James Potter, Harry's dad. I am sure we can work this out. Harry will be coming with his mum and me back to our new home. We missed out on having him as a baby so we will be force regressing him by making him wear diapers and baby clothes for the next few years till he adjusts to being our baby boy again."
"ENOUGH!" Snape yelled, "Harry Potter owes me several life debts. So he is going to be coming with me. I intend to take every decision away from him and make his life an absolute hell. I might even force him to marry me and bear my children. I haven't decided yet."
"No!" Draco Malfoy yelled, "I'm a Veela and he's my life mate. He's coming with me. I am keeping him chained to the bed so I can have sex with him constantly."
"He's mine!" Ginny Weasley yelled, "I never really got over him and we'll be together forever. We'll have twelve children and live in a house with a white picket fence."
"No." Hermione Granger said stamping her foot, "I have secretly loved him for years. He is going to be with me. Sorry Ron I know you fancy me but I am Harry's true love."
"Well actually Hermione I only pretended to fancy you to hide my real feelings. I'm gay and I know Harry will be mine." Ron replied with a slight lisp to his voice. Hermione, Ginny, Mr and Mrs Weasley turned around to Ron and gaped.
"He's not the only one here queer for Harry, is he Lupin?" Lily Potter said staring with disgust at the werewolf.
What's that suppose to mean?" Remus asked shocked at her tone.
"Oh, come on. You are not going to stand there and tell me you are not interested in Harry. How old was he when you first met? Twelve, wasn't it? You know paedophilia is against the law too." Lily Potter replied mockingly.
"He can't have Harry." Ron lisped, "He's mine."
Draco screamed and physically attacked Ron Weasley. Ginny Weasley went to help her gay brother but was pulled back by her hair. Hermione Granger snapped, "He'll never be yours." As Ginny as she fell backwards, she kicked Hermione's legs out from under her and together on the floor the cat fight between them got vicious.
Meanwhile Severus Snape had attacked James Potter and they were slugging it out. Fudge and the Aurors, having realised who the dark haired stranger was, were trying to force there way through the mêlée to arrest Sirius Black. Lily Potter and Remus Lupin were insulting each other with words worthy of a scrabble championship.
Albus Dumbledore popped another lemon drop in his mouth with a sigh. He drew his wand and a load bang sounded shocking the occupants enough to get them to stop fighting and look at the aged Headmaster.
"There is only one person that will be deciding what happens to Harry now," Albus Dumbledore said calmly, "and that person is me. Now on Mondays through Wednesdays Severus you will be making his life hell. Thursdays and Fridays James and Lily will be forcing him to wear diapers again and be a baby. Saturdays you four young people will be sharing Harry as often as you like. Sunday mornings Lupin will be molesting him and in the afternoon Cornelius, you may have Dolorous Umbridge or whomever you like give him detentions with a blood quill. Now what do I do with Sunday Night?"
"Perhaps I could take him Dumbledore," Lucius Malfoy suggested as he swept into the room, "and introduce Mr Potter to the delights of sadomasochism. Pity the time is limited to a single night but perhaps my old friend Severus would permit me to continue it into his three days. I think you would enjoy having a collared, restrained and pieced Potter at your feet Severus. What do you say?"
"I might be persuaded to permit it so long as Harry Potter is in suitable condition for my own intentions." Snape sneered.
"But tell me Headmaster," Lucius asked, "why are you the one to always decide what happens to Harry Potter?"
"I just like fucking with him." Albus Dumbledore shrugged.
Unseen by the occupants of the Headmasters Office a strange looking beetle flew from the windowsill where it had been listening to the entire argument about Harry Potter. The beetle flew away from Hogwarts and out over Hogsmead village when it spotted a messy haired youth in tight leather pants and jacket climbing onto a muggle motorbike. The beetle made for the boy and landed on the ground next to him. The beetle transformed back to its human form.
"Hi Rita!" Harry said seeing the reporter.
"Harry, I think I should warn you about what's happening in the Headmaster's office at the moment." Rita said with a unusually concerned voice.
"Don't care, Rita." Harry said as he smiled.
"But Harry…" Rita started but Harry held up his hand to stop her.
"Let me guess, there's some huge conspiracy to screw with my life." Harry stated smiling.
"Well, there are a number of conspiracies actually. They are all being combined into one big one though." Rita told him.
Harry nodded, "Good thing I snuck out of the castle then isn't it?" Harry replied with a wry smile. "I'm off now Rita." Harry kicked started the bike and revved the engine. He grabbed the helmet and pulled it onto his head. All Rita could now see were the emerald green eyes."
"How did you know Harry?" Rita asked.
"That's simple Rita. I never, never, ever have just a normal day. I figured that out a long time ago, so I prepared for this day many months ago. All my money has been hidden were only I can get at it and I'm leaving for good before anyone can spring their conspiracies on me. I'm off to find a normal boring day or two." Harry laughed and pulling the tinted faceplate down so even his eyes were hidden he waved to Rita Skinner as the bike moved forward into the street.
"Any last words for the wizarding world, Harry?" Rita yelled.
"Yeah," Harry yelled back, "Tell the wizarding world to kiss my arse!"
Rita smiled as she watched the bike gather speed quickly. As it approached the end of the village the bike reared into the air and flew above the trees and then disappeared from sight.
"Good luck, Harry Potter." Rita said quietly, "I hope you find your normal day soon. I hope you find a lot of them." Rita sighed and then turned to get to the Owl Postal Service office in the village. She had one hell of a story to file for tomorrow's newspaper. She couldn't wait to see the reaction it caused to the entire wizarding world.