AN: To the tune of "King of Spain" by Moxy Fruvous. I used the live performance uploaded onto YouTube by 'Steve Micallef' as a reference. I put up a color version on Archive Of Our Own under the username 'ShayMcSudonim', if you prefer more contrast between the characters' 'voices'.
Key:
CC: Feferi Peixes
TT: Dirk Strider
TG: Dave Strider
CG: Karkat Vantas
SC: Strider Chorus (Dave and Dirk Strider)
Witc) ( of Life
CC: Once I was t) (e Witc) ( of Life!
TG: wait are we really gonna sing?
TT: broadway or the highway, dude.
CC: O) (... my belov'd protegé, Jane Crocker!
TT: dave, get the turntables.
TG: on it.
CC: I'm telling you I was t) (e Witc) ( of Life!
TG: the one true Batterwitch, ladies and gents.
CC: And now I'm V.P. at Betty Crocker!
TT: one
TT: two
TT: three.
SC: Chorus: [Ironically terrible beatboxing by Dirk and Dave Strider]
CC: Royalty! Glub, it looked good on me!
CC: Jamming pale feels wit) ( my ) (ig) (blood moirail
CC: Or dragging w) (ales t) (roug) ( t) (e sea!
CC: Or playing Sgurb, you know,
CC: Wit) ( t) (e Princes of ) (eart and ) (ope,
CC: Glubbing in dreams wit) ( t) (e ) (orrorterrors,
CC: Searc) (ing for treasure as a g) (ost.
CC: Once I was t) (e Witc) ( of Life!
SC: [Now I swim safer tides]
CC: A gigantic fis) (bowl, t) (at was my ) (ive!
SC: [Now I swim safer tides]
CC: I'm telling you I was t) (e Witc) ( of Life!
SC: [Now I swim safer tides]
CC: And now I maintain t) (e Cookbook Arc) (ives.
SC: [Once she was the Witch of Life!]
SC: Chorus
CC: I'm alrig) (t!
CC: I'm part of a ) (ybrid sprite!
CC: My friends all say,
CC: "Fef, ) (oww are you such a genius?"
CC: "T) (ere's a dream bubble sea!"
CC: "And cool narw) (als to ride!"
CC: It's laissez faire.
CC: I just t) (ink it's nice to s) (are!
CC: Make t) (e ) (emospectrum illegal,
CC: and find all mutant wrigglers a lusus w) (o cares!
CC: Once I was t) (e Witc) ( of Life!
SC: [Now I swim safer tides]
CC: ) (ey -Empress, ) (ey –Englis) (! Got problems?
CC: You troll me!
SC: [Now I swim safer tides]
CC: I'm telling you I was t) (e Witc) ( of Life!
SC: [Now I swim safer tides]
CC: And now Jo) (n calls me up to say I'm un) (oly. 38(
SC: [Once she was the Witch of Life!]
CC: Ladies and Gentlemen, I introduce to you:
CC: Sweet Bro and ) (ella Jeff t) (e Band!
SC: Chorus
CC: Now some of you are probably wondering
CC: 'Okay, if t) (is troll was t) (e Witc) ( of Life,
CC: W) (at on Alternia is s) (e doing on –Eart) (?'
TG: how did it happen fef?
TT: the cool guy wants to know, fef.
CC: Very t) (oug) (tful question, cool guy.
CC: Do you want to know?
CG: NO
CC: Do you want to know?
CG: HELL NO
CC: Do you want to know?
CG: HELL FUCKING NO
CC: S) (ell I tell t) (em, t) (en, guys?
SC: [Tell us, Fef!]
CC: You see late, one nig) (t
CC: W) (ale my consorts were asleep
CC: Out of my glass-lit castle
CC: And onto my lawnring I creep.
CC: T) (en I plug t) (is finestrated wall
CC: In so it can sink wit) ( its matc) (.
CC: At w) (ich point my grimdark friend
CC: W) (o ) (as ) (ig) (blood eyes
CC: Arrives and we start a Scratc) (!
CC: Witc) ( and Seer
CC: Dead and God Tier
CC: Switc) (ed our portals: I grew up ) (ere.
CC: Under my own volfis) (ion
CC: I took a c) (ange of position.
CC: So next time, you fret in the grocery line
CC: Remember, armageddon's my lusus,
CC: AND TH-E WITC) ( OF LIF-E N-EV-ER RUS) (-ES! 38D
CC: Once I was t) (e Witc) ( of Life!
SC: [Now I swim safer tides]
CC: I was looking for small ways to make t) (e word brig) (ter.
SC: [Now I swim safer tides]
CC: I'm telling you I was t) (e Witc) ( of Life!
SC: [Now I swim safer tides]
CC: And now I jam wit) ( t) (e brot) (ers Strider.
SC: [Once she was the Witch of Life!]