Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy: the Vampire Slayer. End of story.
Summary: I was the leader now, the one everybody else looked up to, respected and followed. I had everything I had ever wanted. I had never been more terrified, or wanted it less.

RELUCTANT SUCCESSOR

Sometimes, I wished more than anything that I knew what it was like to have friends.

And sometimes, I gave thanks to a god I didn't even believe in that I had never known what it was like to have friends.

Seeing the look of betrayal on Buffy's face when all of those she trusted the most turned on her, was definitely one of the times that I was glad to be alone. At least if you're alone, nobody can hurt you.

Sure, I was still a bit pissed at Buffy for punching me when I took the Potentials out to de-stress a bit, but I never intended anything like this.

Buffy was the 'Good' Slayer, and that made sense. After all, she had parents who taught her the difference between right and wrong, a nice home, and friends. The worst thing that happened was having her parents split and being forced to lie about things when she was Called as the Slayer. She even had Angel, possibly the only person in the world who could love her and make a relationship work, without Buffy fearing for his life any more than regular boyfriends and girlfriends worry about each other.

Me, I grew up in the slums of Boston, with a mother who spent more time passed out than she spent awake and coherent. I was four when my father was arrested for murder, and life never improved.

Buffy had people who taught her morals. My experiences taught me that far too often, you had to choose between morals and survival. I had no-one to step in and stand up for me, no one to rely on, so far too often, I chose survival.

When I was Called as a Slayer, it felt like my life was finally looking up. My watcher cared about me in a way that no one, not even my parents, ever had. Like she gave a damn whether I lived or died. In the few months we had together, she tried to teach me not only how to fight beyond brawling, but also a basic understanding of right and wrong.

I didn't listen as much as I should have. I was the Slayer, the one Chosen to stand against the Darkness. I was Special, with a purpose that mattered. Surely that gave me a bit of wiggle-room in how far I could go.

In hindsight I know I was wrong. I'm a Slayer, so I can't be just as good as anyone else. I have to be better, because I'm held up as example of what a woman should be. Strong. Willing to protect. Fighting because I have to, not for the adrenaline, or for my own pleasure.

But for a few months, I was happy, and had actual goals, and was loved.

Until Kakistos came. He killed my Watcher, and I marked him, and I ran. I marked him, and he came after me, and Buffy and I killed him.

But the only person I knew for a fact cared about me was gone.

Giles did his best, but one Slayer is a handful for anyone, never mind two, and he already had Buffy, had been her guide and guardian for three years, and wasn't prepared to deal with someone like me. At least Buffy actually listened to him, rather than me defying authority on principle. Ms Post pretended to care, but she only wanted to use me. Was it so unbelievable that we were, that I was, reluctant to trust Wesley when he showed up? Wesley did his best, but he had no experience, a scholar among warriors.

Buffy and I understood each other. We knew what it was like to be alone, what it was like to make impossible choices, to live a lie because others couldn't stand the truth. We knew what it was like to have to be strong, because no one else could equal us, and what it was like to fall from grace. I went from being a blessing on my parents, to being a burden. When Angel went evil, everyone blamed Buffy, even though it wasn't totally her fault. We both knew what it was like to feel at war with ourselves, the struggle to rise above, so that we didn't become the very things we were born to fight.

Buffy finally had someone she could talk to about the things that she couldn't tell the others, because they couldn't deal with it. I had someone to trust, an example to look up to, someone who accepted me as I was. It felt too good to be true, so I was constantly testing her, to see if this time, I would go too far, and she would stop caring about me.

I tested, and tested, and tested, and laughed off attempts to reign me in. I was in a bad place when I killed the Deputy Mayor, and Buffy, the person I had come to rely on and thought would understand, was too shaken to help me.

The Watcher's Council tried to arrest me, or even kill me, so I went to the one person I thought could protect me. He might have been evil, but the Mayor did love me, like the father I should have had. He treated me like a daughter, and if the price for that love was being a bit morally ambiguous, so what? I was loved and valued for who I was. The Mayor indulged me, gave me anything I wanted, everything I needed and deserved, with a stern frown and occasionally a mild reprimand if I pushed too far.

I was loved for me, and the rest of the world could screw themselves.

It took a long time for me to face up to what I had become, and longer to reconcile with the ones I had hurt. Buffy and I were just starting to become almost friends again, when everything went to Hell in a hand basket.

The Vineyard was a disaster, but that wasn't totally Buffy's fault. Everyone was harping on her to do something, and the woman isn't perfect, after all.

Maybe she was relying on Spike too much, but he was there for her when things were tough, and after the two of us, he was the next strongest, and knew what the Darkness held.

Maybe she was a bit bitchy, and never sat down and talked with the Potentials, but she had so much else to do, working and making sure the bills were paid, on top of research and training.

When everyone ganged up on her, I didn't mean to go along with them; I just chose a bad time to speak my mind. Buffy was teetering on the edge, and a few sharp words from be had always brought her back before. I thought she needed to back off a bit, take a nap, come back fresh.

I never expected the others to turn on her.

When Buffy walked out of the door, I ran after her. I had betrayed her before, and I needed to tell her that this time I hadn't. Buffy was my big sister, the one I could poke, and annoy, and fight with, but who would never give up, because deep down, we were connected. I turned my back on her once, pushed too far because I had never known limits, but I would never do so again.

I tried to stammer out an explanation, tell Buffy that I wanted her to stay, but she cut me off. Don't be afraid to lead them. Whether you wanted it or not, their lives are yours. It's only going to get harder. Protect them. Lead them.

The ultimate expression of Buffy's trust. I saw the pain in her eyes, the despair, and the disbelief that he friends and family would betray her so completely. But beyond that, I saw the Truth.

She knew that she couldn't lead or protect them when they refused to be protected or led, so she trusted me to do it in her place. She trusted me to act in her place, didn't even consider the possibility that I might fail, because she believed in me.

I was the leader now. I had to make the plans, do the research, and keep things going. I held everyone's lives in my hands, and they would stand or fall depending on the choices I made. Everything I thought I wanted.

Buffy had given me the ultimate expression of her trust, and I had never felt so proud, or so terrified.

From the moment I walked back inside, as Buffy walked out into the Night, I was scared and unsure. I wanted my big sister back, so I could hide behind her while she made everything better.

But I couldn't.

I tore a strip out of them, and went upstairs, to plan what to do next.

Buffy had trusted me with this responsibility, trusted me to me her successor, and I had no intention of disappointing my sister.

btvs

btvs

btvs

btvs

A/N: Don't you hate those plot bunnies that come to you just when you're about to go to sleep? Since I have to be up again in four hours, I know that I do.

Anyway, this just popped into my head, and refused to get out again until I wrote it down. It's not as long as 'Betrayal', but I hope I didn't do too badly.

Good or bad, constructive criticism is appreciated. A well-rounded review is the best reward a writer can receive.

Thanks, Nat.