A/N: So this is my take on a Jogan fic. It is based on CP Coulter's Daltonverse. So nothing belongs to me. I am just playing an idea out. Ever since Julian admitted his feelings I love the idea of the two of them together but of course there would be drama. Leave me a review if you liked it. :-)
"I don't fucking care what you think Derek." Julian shouted at his friend who was currently sitting on the top of his suitcase so he couldn't finish packing.
"I won't tell him. I'll just leave and that's it. He won't even notice that I am gone. Well, he might notice when he needs someone to scream at, but I won't be here for that." He had made up his mind. He would leave Dalton for good this time. Maybe it would get easier to get a certain blonde out of his head when he knew that he wouldn't return.
"I'm done with waiting," he murmured too low for Derek to hear.
"Of course he'll notice. You are as much his friend as I am. Why wouldn't he see that you are gone? Do you honestly think he won't start wondering where you are after the shoot for the movie is over? For once stand up for yourself and tell him everything. And I mean EVERYTHING!" Derek always knew that Julian was stubborn but this topped everything.
"What good would it do now, if I told him everything? It would only make it worse." Julian turned around and sat down on his now bare desk. "He is going to turn me down anyway. But if I simply leave without telling him he can't turn me down. It would make things so much easier."
"No it wouldn't. You'll always ask yourself what could have been." Halfway through Julian's argument he had stopped shouting so Derek answered in a low voice as well. The walls in Stuart were thin after all.
"Don't you get it, Derek? I can still pretend. Fucking pretend that maybe if I had told him he would pull me in for a kiss and everything could be alright. But I can't pretend after I see the rejection. It would be so much worse."
"But…." Derek was cut off my Julian.
"No, buts. This is what I want Derek. I have to let it go. It has been going on for far too long. Anyway the business doesn't like a bisexual actor all that much. My agent says that it is even better if I don't date at all, so all the girls can dream of being with me." He scoffed. "Like I would even want them. Well, maybe for a night but how weird would it be to date a fan girl? Most of them are so crazy and over the top."
"Okay Julian. If you don't want to tell him, that's your thing. I'll stop trying to convince you that it is wrong. You are way too stubborn to listen to anyone else. Do whatever you think is right. Just think about maybe telling him that you are leaving for good. He needs to know at least that and you owe it to him. You are friends and that's what friends do."
"I owe him nothing. For years I have tried patching him up break-up after a break-up. I try setting him up with the boys he likes, so that he can be happy. That's all I want."
Derek stood up from his spot on the suitcase and walked towards the door. With one hand on the doorknob he turned around to look back at Julian who hadn't moved at all.
"If you really want him to be happy then tell him that you are leaving. As a last kindness between friends or whatever it is you two are." With these words he opened the door and left.
Julian stood up and walked into the middle of the room; a couple of shirts clutched in his hand and stared at the closed door. Maybe Derek was right and he should tell Logan. It wasn't like they weren't friends.
Of course they fought a lot but that's just the way they work. It always has been like that. They were both people with temper and of course that would always lead to a shouting match. It had never mattered what it was about, they didn't need a reason to start shouting. Whenever Logan had felt like shouting and screaming he would pick a fight with Julian because he knew that the actor was the only one who would fight back hard enough so that Logan could get it out of his system. That was the way Logan worked. When something happened or he couldn't express something properly he would start a fight with Julian.
Julian always had a completely different reason for provoking Logan until they start shouting insults at each other. Those were the moments he cherished and hated at the same time.
When they started throwing hateful words at each other he had Logan's undivided attention.
Nothing could come between the two of them during their shouting matches. Derek had tried when they were younger but soon found that there was nothing he could do to keep them from shouting or stop them once they had started.
In these moments Julian was able to concentrate all his anger at the one person he hated and loved the most. All this pent up emotion that came along with falling for one of your best friends needed to get out at one point. He hated himself for using Logan as an outlet because Logan deserved so much more and he didn't even know about Julian's feelings. But since Logan started fights for no reason at all most of the times Julian didn't feel as guilty as he probably should.
They would stare at each other the whole time while flinging the worst words at each other. It didn't matter what was sad, it was the shouting that mattered. What mattered was the simple knowledge that whatever it was they were shouting at each other couldn't break them apart as friends. The most important thing was that those were the moments that Julian could stare at Logan without fearing that it's inappropriate. He loved how Logan's normally pale green eyes became so much more intense when the taller boy got angry. Those were the moments where Logan seemed real and not like the some freak on meds.
Everyone in Stuart was used to their fights and no one cared. Whenever they heard the two of them shouting the inhabitants of Stuart would turn the volume on their stereos up or escape to the peaceful silence of the library. Nothing and no one was able to disturb the two hotheads during those fights.
So, maybe as a good friend he should tell Logan that he wouldn't come back.
But it wouldn't change anything. Logan probably wouldn't even care that he was leaving. He was too caught up in his personal Blaine/Kurt/Logan drama to even notice that he was gone. Once again Julian was left with the expectation of consoling his friend after he had once again fallen for the wrong guy. He was so sick of that.
He would leave and he wouldn't tell Logan that he won't be back. No way in hell.
With new found activeness Julian moved around fast in his room and threw all the things that he would take along now, the rest would be picked up by someone else in a couple of days, into his suitcase.
Not fifteen minutes later he had everything packed and already called a driver to pick him up. It was almost 9pm and most of Stuart house was calm. Maybe he could sneak out without seeing anyone. Another fifteen minutes later the driver called his cell phone to tell him that he was waiting in the parking lot.
Julian pulled his coat on and grabbed his suitcase, stepped into the hallway and closed the door behind him. Slowly he walked towards the large staircase to get down to the door. Thoughts were racing through his mind. On the one hand he knew that he had to leave and that it was for the best to finally leave Logan behind. The other more emotional part of him on the other hand wanted to stay despite all the heartache. Wasn't it better to be only friends with Logan than nothing at all? Maybe someday Logan would wake up and see…. No! He had to stop those thoughts and push them back. He was doing the right thing. He had to move on.
Just as he reached the front door he heard the voice he had feared.
"So you are leaving again?"
Julian turned around to look at Logan who was leaning against the wall next to the staircase. Logan smirked at him and pushed himself of the wall and walked towards Julian.
Julian groaned inwardly and dropped his suitcase.
"Yes, I have this new movie to shoot. So I have to go!" he said without really looking at Logan.
"I figured that out already, it's all over the news. But isn't it a bit soon to be leaving again? You just came back."
Julian felt the anger and frustration starting to bubble up in him. "It's not like I have to explain myself to you but this thing came up kind of unexpected and they want me there early so I am leaving. I didn't know that I had to ask your permission first."
Logan didn't answer right away; he simply stood there with a smug smile on his face. "No reason to get all bitchy, Julian."
"Oh, screw you Logan!" Julian bent down to pick up his suitcase. He turned to the door and put a hand on the door knob, hesitating for a second. He turned halfway back towards Logan to say goodbye. But Logan had taken a couple of steps towards him so that he was now standing directly in front of Julian.
"Oh…"Julian sighed and dropped his suitcase again. He couldn't break eye contact with Logan. They were standing too close for him to be able to simply look somewhere else.
"Why are you always running Julian?"
Julian was shocked. What did Logan mean? Of course he was running away but why would Logan suspect that? Had Derek said something after all? He must have. On the other hand Derek wouldn't go behind his back.
Straightening up he took a step back so that he was pressed against the door. But everything was better than standing so close to Logan while the taller boy was looking down at him with that smirk.
"Who says I am running? You know that I have this movie shoot. I always work and you know that. Why would I need to run?" Julian hissed.
Julian took a step back. "Hey calm down man, I didn't mean it like that. It's just…. I don't know. Something happens and then you have a movie shoot. I just kinda noticed. Stop trying to pick a fight with me when it's you who is walking away without telling anyone."
"Derek knows." Julian mumbled under his breath, looking down at his shoes and almost hoping that Logan didn't hear. But no such luck.
"So you tell Derek but you don't tell me? Is something wrong?"
"No!" Julian was a little bit too quick with his answer for it to sound truthful. Of course Logan had noticed and quirked an eyebrow.
"Okay… So what is going on? And don't try to tell me that nothing is wrong. I know you too well to believe the crap you tell everyone."
Now Julian was scared. His mind was racing to find an answer that would suffice. He couldn't tell him the truth. That was out of the question. But what else could he say? Maybe a half-truth could work.
"I just… I just need a fucking break from this place. Every time I come back it seems that it is getting worse. Just look at it from the outside. The war between Stuart and Windsor is getting worse and you are not innocent in all that. I just need a break from all this."
Julian hoped that this would be enough to get Logan of his case and get him to let him go. He hadn't exactly lied. He simply hadn't said how much this really had to do with Logan.
"I see." Logan's gaze was still on his face and that made him nervous. He hoped that the blonde boy couldn't see right through him.
"Yeah! Logan I really need to go. My driver is waiting." Julian bent down once again to pick his suitcase back up.
"When are you coming back?" Logan's eyes had dropped and Julian had never seen him like that. Maybe the whole Kurt-thing bothered him more that he had let on. Was Julian a bad friend in simply walking away from everything for good?
For the first time since he had known Logan he thought that he could see right through him. See the way that the drama with Blaine and now the drama with Kurt hurt him. See how confused Logan was, how broken.
Guilt washed over him. Could he really leave him alone with everything? Every second he stood there with Logan his decision to leave wavered. Friends helped each other right? And it was obvious that Logan was having a harder time now to get over things.
No! Although Julian wanted to help his best friend and the person he loved, he needed to think about himself. Logan would be back to his bitchy, confident self in no time and there would be a new guy and Julian would regret not leaving when he could.
He looked back up at Logan who was still staring intently at the floor.
"I-I-I- ummm" he couldn't say it. He didn't want to fight right now with Logan. He simply wanted to burn this picture of the 'real' Logan into his mind and go. There was only one thing he wanted to do.
The moment he dropped his suitcase one more time and stepped forward he knew that he would regret it later but seeing Logan like this clouded his ability to think clearly.
Logan didn't look up, not even when Julian stood directly in front of him, their chests almost touching. He lifted one hand to Logan's chin and tilted it upwards. For a split second he hesitated and looked deep into Logan's pale green eyes. Julian could see the confusion and something else that he couldn't quite put his finger on.
Before he could lose the nerve to go through with this he leaned forward and pressed his lips to Logan's. It was an almost chaste kiss put to Julian it felt like the world around them stopped spinning.
Way too soon for his liking he pulled back and took a step away from Logan; Embarrassed and unsure whether he had officially screwed everything up or not. All he wanted to do was leave.
Something else was now visible in Logan's eyes. Shock, wonder and still so much confusion. But before Julian could turn around and leave Logan crossed the space between them and pushed Julian against the door capturing his lips in a passionate kiss.
For a split second Julian was too surprised to respond but when he felt one of Logan's hand hold on to his hips the whole situation became real and he melted into the kiss. He reached one of his hands up to Logan's neck and caressed the soft hair there while the other on was splayed on the small of Logan's back and tried to pull him even closer.
Their lips were moving against each other and Logan's tongue stroked along Julian's bottom lip. The smaller boy parted his lips and Logan was quick to slip his tongue into Julian's mouth. Their tongues were battling for dominance but although they were kissing fiercely it felt completely right in this moment. This was what Julian had dreamed of for far too long. The feel of Logan's breath against his mouth and the feel of his hands holding him against the door was everything he had ever hoped for.
When both boys had to come up for air Logan looked down at Julian and stepped a little bit back but he still had one hand on his hip.
Reality came crashing down on Julian. He had just kissed Logan. After all those years his dream had come true. But not only had he kissed him but Logan had kissed him back. So many thoughts were racing through his mind at once. Did this mean that Logan returned some of his feelings after all? No! Maybe he was simply caught up in the moment and needed someone to hold on to.
Neither one of the boys said anything. Both were panting heavily and simply looking at each other.
Julian came around first. He knew that he couldn't stay. This kiss didn't mean the same to Logan as it did to him. He had to go to try and sort this out. Maybe with what happened it would be easier to leave Logan behind.
He cleared his throat. "Logan, I have to go." Once again he bent down to pick up his suitcase and turned around to open the door, hoping to get away before Logan said something that would change his mind. But he wasn't fast enough.
"Julian", Logan said before Julian could step outside. "When are you coming back?"
This was the question he had dreaded. He couldn't lie. Not after what happened.
He turned his head to look back at the taller boy. "I won't!" He whispered just loud enough for Logan to hear and quickly slipped out of the door and shut it behind him.
Julian didn't look back as he walked over to where his driver was waiting for him. He couldn't bear the thought of Logan standing in the door maybe trying to get to him and ask him to stay. But it would be worse to look back and not see the other boy trying. It didn't matter now. He got into the car and put his sunglasses on despite it being night to cover up the tears shimmering in his eyes.
As the car pulled out of the gates of Dalton he felt his heart break a little bit, but something also felt so right in this moment. He knew that this was the right thing to do. He wouldn't go back.
He was leaving for good.