Adventures Time Wants to Forget

(Complete with a RANDOMLYINSERTED!Volcano)

Disclaimer: No, I don't own POTC. Seriously. But I do own the sparkly shoes and the volcano. And your soul. You can get it back if you read the story.

Warning: Pickles.

Captain Jack Sparrow stared quite purposefully into the sun and decided that he needed new eyes because the ones currently occupying his head were starting to bleed. Captain Sparrow then decided to glare pointedly at his pointy-toed pirate boots. Mr. Gibbs stood a little behind him staring at the captain for he had decided, not two seconds ago, that his captain was possibly the most awesome captain that he knew of.

Considering that Gibbs had just gotten heartily beaten by a giant roller-skating rabbit not seven minutes ago, then pulled through a brain purifier masquerading as a water purifier, his opinion was subject to suspicion.

Will was sitting below decks trying to get his fat cat, Bogo to frown. He had tried eating pecan pie, shutting his fingers repeatedly in a metal door that he'd found while trying to make a wig out of hair from his toes, and he'd even tried killing himself by stabbing his foot with a vicious looking carrot stick- all to no avail. None of his methods had worked and so he sat and thought and watched Bogo. William Turner was no fool and so he waited patiently. He knew Bogo was also waiting, watching for any sign of inattention.

Then Bogo would turn into Superman.

Captain Jack Sparrow's problems were a little bit less problematic and had something to do with the pink glitter sprinkled along his badass piratey boots that at present were staring to look a lot less piratey and more and more…sparkly. This upset the eccentric pirate captain to no end and he demonstrated how very grieved and/or depressed he was by taking off his…sparkly shoe and giving it one pistol with one shot, and tipping it overboard.

The rest of the crew was in shambles, constantly wailing and moaning about…sparkly. Jack developed a tic that had members of his crew quite bemused and relatively frightened. At one point Elizabeth stood up and said, "Jack, stop doing that!" The result was that

A SUDDEN RANDOM VOLCANO ERUPTED!! It caused mountains to move and hills to stare confused until they were forced to move by the much bigger mountains. Oceans were forced to splash and take out small villages. The very earth was reduced to rubble.

And then, terror of terrors…the Pink…Panther picked up the world's smallest violin and began to play very, very badly triggering an apocalypse so encompassing that even the mole people that subsisted entirely on tropical oranges were affected.

"What the bloody hells are mole people- who subsist largely on tropical oranges- doing on my ship!" Captain Jack Sparrow yelled, while his eye twitched and Will tried to get the Pink Panther's attention by hula dancing and reciting the 'Pepto Bismol' jingle. The Pink Panther hit Will on the head with the small violin and Will instantly crumpled, the light touch to his cranium exactly enough to put him under. Jack bent down beside Will's still body and proceeded to tie his new tennis shoes.

Elizabeth approached and slapped Jack with a harsh smack that echoed in the captain's enclosed quarters. Then she died because although she can fight and played really good role in Pride and Prejudice, smacking Jack is just not cool. Unless it's the Monkey!Jack, that's being slapped. Then that's just animal abuse and she gets carted off to animal abuser's jail where monkey's that look just like Jack proceed to throw poo at her and laugh high, cackling monkey laughs.

Will roused momentarily to stare at the disembodied authoress, then started to paint a picture of a butterfly because he thought they were pretty. Jack shrugged noncommittally and ate a pickle from a mysterious looking bag on a desk that mysteriously appeared surrounded by a mysterious aura.

Suddenly a…well, something really STRANGE happened that made everything all swirly and Jack fell on his bum and Elizabeth (who was dead) got sucked into a randomly inserted wormhole.

When Jack woke up there were people standing over him. STRANGE people. Jack frowned and took another bite out of his pickle. After a satisfying round of crunching and swallowing and repeating it rather successfully the STRANGE people began to slowly back away from the new arrival. Jack lovingly swallowed the last bite of pickle then stood up.

Jack then took out his lucky bottle of rum and proceeded to drink it much to the astonishment of his STRANGE onlookers.

"Oy, what are you lookin' at?" Jack asked. The STRANGE people merely stared at him.

Jack stared back at them.

The STRANGE people stared at him some more.

Jack stared at them some more.

The STRANGE people wondered just when they would be identified and given an actual name instead of STRANGE people which was actually a pretty rude thing to call people, especially when they weren't even all that STRANGE.

Jack saw Elizabeth lying dead on the ground by his feet and picked her up. "I've got a corpse and I'm not afraid to use it," Jack hollered. The…people merely stared at him.

Jack, realizing something had to be done and also having experience with savages of every bit and sort, ran.

The people watched him go for a second before the elder stepped forward.

"What a strange looking tomato."

His people nodded their agreement then went back to their respective houses quite mystified.

Jack ran and screamed (manly piratey screams). He did this successfully for about two minutes until he ran into something- something suspiciously hairy and fat.

"HO! HO! HO!" It laughed, deep belly laughs that made It's stomach jiggle ominously.

Jack cringed away, terrified at the terrible mass of hair, red, and jiggly bits. "AHHHHH!" Jack screamed and hit It on the head with a watermelon he'd been saving for hitting someone on the head with. The figure did not crumple however. Instead it grabbed hold of Jack's wrist and wrenched it hard to the left making him drop the watermelon.

"Crap."

Then It grinned at him, malevolent green eyes and pristine white teeth. "I know you've been naughty, Captain Sparrow. Or should I say…Jackie!" Jack gasped and kicked It in it's bowl-of-jelly-like stomach. It howled in pain and Jack took the opportunity to run away.

"EEEK! A hairy, red, tubby thing is trying to kill me!"

"Come here, Jackie! Let Santa give you your presents!"

Jack stopped. "Presents?" Santa nodded, malevolent eyes glinting speculatively and his grin broadening. Jack bounced back happily.

"Gimme my presents, hurry it up, Satan." Santa frowned.

"The name's Santa," he said and Jack nodded impatiently.

"What do I get? Rum? Cookies? Rum? Wenches? Rum? Potatoes? Rum? A puppy?"

Santa glared at him and heaved a sigh. "You're kinda stupid, you know that?" Jack held out his hands ready to receive presents (read: rum). "I'm evil, okay. I'm supposed to try to kill you and stuff." At Jack's eye roll Santa sighed again. "I. Don't. Have. Presents. I. Am. Going. To. Kill. You. And. Stuff."

Jack's brilliant and analytical mind processed this information.

"Don't get it. Want rum and wenches."

Santa got out a chainsaw and cut down a tree. "See. Evil." When Santa turned back around Jack was gone and so was his bag of evil toys and WORLD-ALTERING KANGAROOS!

Santa grappled at his waist for a moment then produced a red and green razr. He pressed a button and tapped a booted foot.

"Rudolph, call him. Jackie got away."

(Meant to post this yesterday. IT'S NOT CHRISTMAS ANYMORE!!! –weeps uncontrollably-)

To Be Continued. Seriously. Like, any day now- it's the truth.