The Trick is To Keep Breathing
Song (by the same title) was originally sung by Garbage. I don't own the song or the Gundam Wing characters! ;_;
Shes not the kind of girl
Who likes to tell the world
About the
way she feels about herself
She stared at the reflection in the mirror, barely recognizing the person
she saw. The face, once milky white and beautiful, was now blue with bruises.
The hair, once luxuriously thick and silky, was now nothing more than a tattered
mess upon her shoulders. And the eyes, once glistening with the hope of a bright
and joyful future, were now two gray voids of vacant glass.
The man walked
into the room, glancing at her as he passed. His dark blue eyes studying her
features easily, even in such a short moment of vision. He was like that. He had
memorized every part of her face. She looked down as he kept walking, now used
to him simply passing her by as she remained at the mirror, desparately trying
to figure out what went wrong.
Before walking out onto the balcony, he
turned to her. "Relena, you know I didn't mean for that to happen."
"Just
like you never mean for it to happen?" Relena asked, her voice low and broken.
He took a long look at her, then walked on outside. Relena sat silently, not
even flinching at the cold sound of the door closing. The ring of the phone
jolted her slightly. Phone calls were rare.
She reached over and picked it
up with a soft "Hello?"
"Relena? How's it been?"
"Hilde? God, it's been
forever. I'm... fine."
".... You hesitated. He didn't hit you again, did he?
If he did, so help me, I'll kill him!"
"No, no! He stopped all that! We just
argued a bit this afternoon. That's all."
"Relena, are you sure? Do you
promise me that he didn't hit you again?"
"I promise! So how are you and Duo
fairing?"
"Oh we're great! Hey Relena, do you think we could get together
for Christmas?"
Relena paused, then gave some excuse before telling Hilde
that she had to go. She hung up the phone. God, hanging it up felt like signing
away her life. She sighed, standing up and walking into the bathroom to clean
herself up.
She takes a little time
In making up her mind
She doesn't want to
fight against the tide
Relena walked out of the bathroom, Heero cathching her eye. He sat on the
couch, staring at her as if she had just killed his best friend. She felt like
asking him what his problem was, demanding that he stop looking at her like
that, but she knew better. She could still remember the burn of his fist against
her cheek, the sting of his strong hands jerking her hair. They were practicall
normal feelings now though.
"Hilde called." she said simply, sitting down in
the chair next to the couch.
"Oh? And what did she have to say?"
"Nothing much. She and Duo are doing well. She invited us to go somewhere
with them for Christmas."
"Do you want to?"
Relena was silent for a
moment, mentally weighing out the pros and cons of the choices. She hadn't been
out with friends in such a long time. Being with Hilde and Duo brought back
memories of a time when she was happy, and when Heero was still calm and
mannerable. It was nostalgia at it's best.
Then she imagined the terrifying
looks Heero always flashed her when she did or said something he didn't approve
of, the knowledge that when they got home, she'd receive her punishment with a
vengence. She didn't feel like walking on eggshells in front of Hilde and Duo,
and having to fight even harder to keep Hilde from finding out that Heero had
never stopped beating her.
"Not really." came her answer.
Heero
shrugged. "All right then. We'll stay home for Christmas."
And lately I'm not the only one
I say never trust anyone
Heero watched Relena get up from the chair and walk solemnly to their
bedroom. His eyes never left her until the door was shut. He had always been
quiet and moody, but Relena wasn't like that. He wasn't sure how to react to her
new personality. They had been married for two years, and only a year ago he had
hit her for the first time. He could still remember exactly why. They had gotten
into a huge argument, and Relena had commented on the fact that since the war
was over, he really had no purpose or reason to even be alive. Sure, it came
from the heat of her anger, but Heero was a bit stunned. He'd been trying to
deal with his newfound feelings of worthlessness since the war had ended, but
had not succeded.
The sound of her head smacking against the floor as she
fell back from his blow was a sound he'd never in his life forget. Maybe it was
so hard to forget because he now heard it quite often. He remembered falling to
his knees beside her and cradleing her in his arms, screaming out desparate
apologies.
Relena had merely smiled and said she forgave him. Now, Relena
had lost her cheerfulness. The stars in her eyes had been stolen, ripped from
them by his own hands. He stood up, taking a step towards their bedroom. He
stopped suddenly when he realized that he had no idea what he could say to her.
He could he possibly make up for what he's done?
He collapsed back onto the
couch. He couldn't tell her how sorry he was, how he wanted to die each time he
hurt her. He couldn't bare his heart to her, no matter how badly he wanted to.
He had done too much dammage. She'd reject his feelings and soon enough leave
him.
Always the one who has to drag her down
Maybe you'll get what you want
this time around
He remembered all the times he'd promised to stop hurting her, and the
hope that was returned to her eyes. Then he remembered the pain in her
expression when he began hurting her again. He had been so cruel to her. There
was no way in hell she'd forgive him.
He walked to the bedroom door slowly
and quietly. He peered in through the crack in the door. There sat Relena on the
bed, holding a cardboard box in her lap. He watched her remove objects from the
box and place them on the bed. And with each object, he felt as if a knife were
being thrown into his chest.
They were pictures, photos of she and him from
a time of happiness, long before that fateful night of the first bruise. She
made a circle of them around her and curled up into a ball on the bed. He
stepped away from the door as she began sobbing, her body convulsing with each
cry.
Suddenly it hit him. Why had he beaten her all those times? He'd never
really thought about why. He'd always just tried to think of excuses. He wanted
to hurt her, that's why. He wanted to punish her for doing things he didn't want
her to do. Now, as she lay crying on their bed, he realized that he had gotten
what he wanted. He had hurt her in the worst way possible. But somehow, he
couldn't enjoy this victory. Perhaps it was because he really did love her, and
making her suffer really didn't appeal to him as much as he previously thought.
Can't bear to face the truth
So sick he cannot move
And when it
hurts he takes it out on you
He stood shell-shock, listening to his wife's sobs. She was suffering all
right, and it was all because of him. He suddenly felt like vomitting. His
stomach twisted and turned. He wanted to move, to walk to the bathroom, but he
couldn't. He was frozen in place. His mind was reeling, his body becoming sick,
as if to punish him.
Memories were running through his mind. All the times
he had felt hurt or sick, he had always used her as a means of getting out all
of his anger. She was like a puncing bag. And now he was feeling the
repercussions of all that pain. And he couldn't handle it.
And lately I'm not the only one
I say never trust anyone
But could he really go to her now in his current state? Could her
persuade her to love him again? He stood there for long moments, comptemplating
his options. He couldn't do it. He just couldn't present his bleeding heart to
her now. She would throw it back into his face just as he had carelessly tossed
hers aside for the past year.
And anyway, it would just cause more pain. The
best thing he could do now was leave her life alltogether. He could just walk
away and leave her to live her own happy life. Or better yet, he could kill
himself, leaving his body behind as a testimate of just how horrible he felt
now.
Always the one who has to drag her down
Maybe you'll get what you want
this time around
That's it then. He decided to just kill himself. As Relena had said on
that horrible night one year ago, he really didn't have a purpose. He walked to
the kitchen and opened a droor. He chose a nice shiny butcher knife and
gracefully sliced the cold metal through the flesh of his wrists. He stumbled to
the floor, feeling his life force flowing out in the form of a crimson river.
At that moment, Relena walked through the hallway, drying her eyes. She saw
Heero crouched on teh floor, blood pouring from his wrists. "Heero!" she cried,
dashing towards him. "What have you done?!"
"Relena, this is the only way I
know.... to make ammends."
"My God, Heero! This isn't the way! You didn't
have to do this! I'll still love you! No matter what you did to me, I still
loved you with all my heart! Please, please don't leave me now!"
"You still
love me? After all I've done to you..... after all the pain?"
She held him
close, tears strolling down her face. "Of course, Heero. I never stopped."
Heero grabbed hold of one wrist, trying to stop the blood flow. He had to
live now. He just had to.
The trick is to keep breathing
He was gasping for air now, as the blood continued to pour freely. Relena
grabbed a dish towel, the first thing she could possibly find, and wrapped it
around his other wrist. "Please.... please..." she kept whispering in a
monotonous, feverish plea.
Heero tried to speak. "I'm sorry, Relena. It's
too late now."
Relena burried her face in his chest. "Heero! Please.... just
don't leave me...."
The trick is to keep breathing
Heero's eyes slid shut. His breaths came few and far between. Relena felt
her heart sink. The man she had loved for years was slipping from her life, and
there wasn't a thing she could do to stop it. She felt like she was grasping for
straws. "Heero... please... don't die!"
Heero's chest stopped moving. His
heart stopped beating, but Relena's tears couldn't stop flowing.
She knows the human heart
And how to read the stars
Now
everythings about to fall apart
She eyed the knife, staring at it as if it were some long-lost friend.
She picked it up, fiddleing with it between her blood-stained fingers. Her eyes
were more vacant than they'd ever been. She felt guilt rising up in her heart.
Heero committed suicide because of her. She had never thought about how he felt.
She had never realized that it hurt him so bad. Perhaps it had hurt him more
than it had hurt her.
I won't be the one who's going to let you down
Maybe you'll get what
you want this time around
She held the knife against her own wrist, barely putting enough pressure
to cut through the skin. Suddenly blood splattered out and she drew in a quick
breath. She then quickly cut the other before she lost her nerve. "Heero... wait
for me..." she whispered.
I won't be the one who's going to let you down
Maybe you'll get what
you want this time around
As she fell onto Heero's body, she grasped his arm, holding on tightly as
she felt herself dying. She smiled, realising that this had been what she'd
wanted all along. She wanted to be with him, and at peace. Perhaps this was the
only way she could have both at the same time. She closed her eyes, after taking
one last look at his beautiful face. And as she took her last breath, she
whispered "I love you, Heero."
The trick is to keep breathing....